Shmoos vs. Smurfs

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http://www.lil-abner.com/images/twoshmoos.jpg

vs.

http://www.english.uiuc.edu/maps/poets/m_r/moss/smurf1.jpg

I vote shmoos in that they are more practical:

According to Shmoo legend, the lovable creature laid eggs, gave milk and died of sheer esctasy when looked at with hunger. The Shmoo loved to be eaten and tasted like any food desired. Anything that delighted people delighted a Shmoo. Fry a Shmoo and it came out chicken. Broil it and it came out steak. Shmoo eyes made terrific suspender buttons. The hide of the Shmoo if cut thin made fine leather and if cut thick made the best lumber. Shmoo whiskers made splendid toothpicks. The Shmoo satisfied all the world's wants. You could never run out of Shmoon (plural of Shmoo) because they multiplied at such an incredible rate. The Shmoo believed that the only way to happiness was to bring happiness to others.

Smurfs, on the other hand, actively resisted being eaten by Gargamel instead of willingly going to their deaths, and their skins might only be good for the occasional bit of upholstery. So fuck 'em.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 9 September 2005 14:56 (twenty years ago)

Are you ok, Ned?

― Bryan (Bryan), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:03 (twenty years ago)

Like I was ever OK.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:04 (twenty years ago)

Here is what happened. Yesterday I re-read an old schmoo-centric Baffler piece about Al Capp's politics. This morning I made a pun on the word "internet" -- "that thar intern et his brekfuss" -- and signed it "Al Capp." Ned saw this and starting thinking about schmoos and got sexually aroused.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:06 (twenty years ago)

You lying bastard, Nabisco. I didn't need to think about shmoos to get sexually aroused when I had the rotting corpse of Al Capp instead.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:07 (twenty years ago)

Shmoo, OBVIOUSLY. My mother made a cinnamon roll receipt that was pale and when rolled out assumed a shmoo-like appearance. We still refer to those rolls as "shmoo bread".

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:08 (twenty years ago)

Shmoos = look like butt plugs
Smurfs = an unstoppable force
Put them together = non-stop anal reaming

― Bryan (Bryan), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:09 (twenty years ago)

I actually first heard of shmoos thanks to that cruddy cartoon from the late seventies/early eighties, which was one of eight million Scooby-Doo knockoffs. Then my parents gave me an old, coverless but still held-together copy of the original Shmoo story and I was enlightened.

x-post -- Bryan you are a man of vision.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:10 (twenty years ago)

No Ned, I'm a man who's been watching way too much porn.

― Bryan (Bryan), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:15 (twenty years ago)

I wish I could find this Baffler article online -- it puts a pretty good reaming to the idea that Capp started out as a populist and "became" a reactionary ass. (Best line is something about Li'l Abner "revolutionizing the minstrel show by disposing of the one thing assumed to be central to it -- black people.")

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:16 (twenty years ago)

Wait, there's a BOOK?! I'm only familiar with the cartoon from my toddler days.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:17 (twenty years ago)

Well, a book collected from a comic strip. Read the link in my first post! The Shmoo was a character from the Li'l Abner comic strip/series/thing.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:18 (twenty years ago)

Shmoos suck dude!

Smurfs are great!

― jel -- (jel), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:22 (twenty years ago)

No one's gonna throw down for Snorks, huh? Good.

― Austin Still (Austin, Still), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:24 (twenty years ago)

Papa looks like a bit of an old perv in that picture.

― jel -- (jel), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:26 (twenty years ago)

The shmoos were exterminated by J. Roarington Fatback, a pork magnate. I think. But it wasn't because he was an evil industrialist. The other evil industrialists, in fact, were super-excited to profit from the incredible new shmoo market. But Fatback killed them all, because even though they were a revolutionary new market opportunity, he just didn't like change.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:32 (twenty years ago)

The Smurfs, alternately, were exterminated by Soodolsky Pest Control of Fort Wayne, Indiana.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:33 (twenty years ago)

Are you making this up Nabisco?

― jel -- (jel), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:35 (twenty years ago)

No! The shmoos were seriously killed by a pork magnate! They stood to turn industry on its head! They laid eggs, gave milk, tasted like beef if grilled and chicken if boiled, would turn into wood if you chopped them and leather if you sliced them and silk if you peeled them, and so on. They were the natural resources of America, man.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:39 (twenty years ago)

I'm surprised there wasn't a part where you could have sex with them, too.

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:41 (twenty years ago)

i don't think we can have a truly honest & comprehensive discussion without involving:

Snorks:

http://www.wingnuttoons.com/snork1.jpg

AND!

Gleep & Gloop:

http://www.progressiveboink.com/b/images/hanna/gleep.jpg

Also, note the Snorks voice cast: Nancy Cartwright, Frank Welker, Edie McClurg...

― kingfish superman ice cream (kingfish 2.0), Friday, 9 September 2005 15:45 (twenty years ago)

Nabisco does not lie, that was the eventual shmoo fate.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 9 September 2005 16:00 (twenty years ago)

I always wondered if the snorks used those things on their head for sex. I'm sure the internet could shed some light on this query, but that's not really a question I want the internet to answer.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 9 September 2005 16:15 (twenty years ago)

(Best line is something about Li'l Abner "revolutionizing the minstrel show by disposing of the one thing assumed to be central to it -- black people.")

Observers interested in contemporary manifestations of the Hillbilly as Substitute Black may wish to peruse the decor at this fine place:

http://www.famousdaves.com/

mmmm, barbeshmoo

― M. V. (M.V.), Friday, 9 September 2005 16:16 (twenty years ago)

These Schmoo things seem to have been invented by some cunning capitalist wizard. They're just waiting to be consumed! I'll stick with Smurfs. Our little blue comrades know how to collectively suffer. Plus, when was the last time that a Schmoo got their own television show into national syndication?

― Markovitz, Friday, 9 September 2005 17:28 (twenty years ago)

Results 1 - 10 of about 3,670 for "snork porn". (0.32 seconds)
(i didn't click any links)

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Friday, 9 September 2005 19:01 (twenty years ago)

Results 1 - 10 of about 3,670 for "snork porn". (0.32 seconds)
(i didn't click any links)

OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T!

― donut Get Behind Me Carbon Dioxide (donut), Friday, 9 September 2005 19:06 (twenty years ago)

The shmoo was not invented by capitalists, M! It mirrored the natural abundance of the New World! Early interpretations held that the shmoo heralded a post-capitalist people's paradise, and was therefore extinctified by the pork magnate in the interests of Big Business! But Capp may not have meant that at all! Capp may have just been a big jerk who hated everyone!

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 19:07 (twenty years ago)

I don't know why it was a pork magnate that did it, either! Shmoos tasted like beef one way and chicken the other! They could have turned pork into an exotic non-shmoomeat delight!

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 19:08 (twenty years ago)

Nabbo, take a deep breath and ease off the exclamation marks, my friend. :)

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 9 September 2005 19:12 (twenty years ago)

I was hoping it was a pork magnet.

― donut Get Behind Me Carbon Dioxide (donut), Friday, 9 September 2005 19:27 (twenty years ago)

Nabbo, take a deep breath and ease off the exclamation marks, my friend

but you can't ease off of them with such delightful prose as non-shmoomeat delight!

― kingfish superman ice cream (kingfish 2.0), Friday, 9 September 2005 19:47 (twenty years ago)

Okay Laurel! Will do! Super!

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 19:52 (twenty years ago)

No, Kingfish, you might be right. But I can imagine N. actually saying the above posts in conversation and I'm afraid he'll start hyperventilating -- xp SEE?!

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 9 September 2005 20:02 (twenty years ago)

Don't worry! I put a paper bag over my keyboard!

― nabisco (nabisco), Friday, 9 September 2005 20:11 (twenty years ago)

http://www.wingnuttoons.com/herc.jpg

Always thought Gloop and Gleep of the Herculoids (and if you don't remember them --- I weep for your joylous, hollow, empty life) were decidedly Shmooesque.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:19 (twenty years ago)

http://www.fortunecity.com/bennyhills/pun/190/herculoids15.jpg

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:19 (twenty years ago)

http://www.templelooters.com/sealab2021/images/gloops.gif

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:20 (twenty years ago)

herculoids is some twee kiddie shit that trembles before the might of thundarr.

― vahid (vahid), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:37 (twenty years ago)

and another vote for les schtroumpfs

― vahid (vahid), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:38 (twenty years ago)

Dude, that's like saying the Velvet Underground and nothing compared to the Verve Pipe.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:39 (twenty years ago)

Any love for Proty from the Legion of Super Pets?

― M. V. (M.V.), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:41 (twenty years ago)

ok fine dude, stick w/ your feeble sugarhill gang type old skool cartoons, some of us are living in the present.

― vahid (vahid), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:48 (twenty years ago)

A girl walks by wearing a UCLA shirt.
Guy: I didn't know you went to UCLA!
Girl: I dih-ennnt! My name's Ooklah!

― vahid (vahid), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:50 (twenty years ago)

Dude, that's like saying the Velvet Underground and nothing compared to the Verve Pipe.

-- Alex in NYC (vassife...), September 10th, 2005.

i thought you disliked the word "dude", alex?

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:52 (twenty years ago)

This thread is cracking my ass up, for the record.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Saturday, 10 September 2005 05:59 (twenty years ago)

I always wondered if the snorks used those things on their head for sex.

pardon me for thinking, uh, logically, but i think "those things" = built in snorkels. i mean, do you use snorkels for sex? wait, no... don't answer that.

― Kim (Kim), Saturday, 10 September 2005 15:26 (twenty years ago)

what use is a snorkel when you live your entire life at the bottom of the sea?

― fortunate hazel (f. hazel), Sunday, 11 September 2005 05:43 (twenty years ago)

for smoking seaweed

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Sunday, 11 September 2005 05:57 (twenty years ago)

I wouldn't want to be the cat that lifts it's own tail, but the truth about Smurfs (as well as Aliens, electro, and many other things) can be found here. (Read on, you'll get it in the end.) The backstory is available on this thread.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Sunday, 11 September 2005 15:12 (twenty years ago)

Tuomas, I'm especially taken by one of the posts in your first link, which goes,

For your sake and the sake of the people you are exposed to every day, I hope that post was a joke, because if it wasn't, the astonishing ignorance of that post says something really scary about you.

and which, in its distilled overdatop outrage (about Aliens and Predators!) qualifies as some sort of internet kenning or archetype or something.

http://images.darkhorse.com/covers/10/10334.jpg

― M. V. (M.V.), Sunday, 11 September 2005 15:32 (twenty years ago)

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