MY GF FREAKS THE F*CK OUT ABOUT MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS

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ok, problem: girlfriend i really like, have been together with for nearly a year, all is well and good and happy.. EXCEPT that i am still friends with a couple of my exes and she freaks the hell out whenever their name so much as comes up, let alone when i hang out with them. this is causing all sorts of havoc and i've responded by basically dropping my exes as friends, which also sucks because i like them. as a qualifier, there's really no reason for her to freak out -- these friendships are totally legit & platonic, and no weird shit has happened with us that should make her not trust me at all.

questions:

a) is it that crazy that i have managed / would like to be friends with my exes?

b) what to do to fix?

― hobocop, Wednesday, 21 September 2005 15:36 (twenty years ago)

After an impressive 1991 debut EP, Up & Crumbling, Gin Blossoms rocketed out of the college pop charts and into the mainstream with their 1993 hit single "Hey Jealousy." Combining the ringing guitar hooks of the Byrds and R.E.M. with a solid, rootsy drive, the band's breakthrough full-length album, New Miserable Experience (which had actually been released the previous year), was filled with songs equally as strong as "Hey Jealousy," including the second hit single, "Found Out About You."

― Confounded (Confounded), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 15:39 (twenty years ago)

Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield
Album: Working Class Dog
Date: 1981
U.S. Chart: 1

Springfield wrote this about a real situation. He was in love with a friend's girlfriend and couldn't do anything about it because they were both friends. He never revealed who Jessie or his girl really were. He considered giving her a copy of the song lyrics with a rose but chickened out.
This was Springfield's second Top 20 hit (the first being "Speak To The Sky" in 1971) and it was his only #1, where it stayed for 2 weeks in August, 1981. The popularity of the song and album that summer was bolstered by the fact that Springfield, also an actor, had landed the role of Dr. Noah Drake on the soap opera General Hospital earlier that spring. Springfield began acting in the mid-'70s when his music career had stalled and his then-girlfriend, actress Linda Blair, suggested he try it.

― andy, Wednesday, 21 September 2005 15:47 (twenty years ago)

Nicenick,
I recommened you talk to your girlfriend about HER exes. Does she still keep in touch with them? Why not? Explain that your situation is different. You're still friendly with these exes because you were friends with them before going out or you didn't have messy breakups or what-have-you. Tell her she has no need to feel jealous. If anything, having these women in your life remind you of how great a girlfriend she is in comparison.

That said, I couldn't stand it if my bf still hung out with his exes.

Good luck!

― Kittens Licking Cakes (coco), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 15:51 (twenty years ago)

And at least one of us does not understand your desire to hang out with an ex, let alone "a couple of" exes.

― Confounded (Confounded), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 15:57 (twenty years ago)

r u me?

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:01 (twenty years ago)

If anything, having these women in your life remind you of how great a girlfriend she is in comparison.

Oh, don't say that. Because then the rejoinder is, "If she's such a bitch, why are you still friends?"

I know plenty of people who have broken up with someone and remained friends.

I always think of myself as one of the people who can do this, but I'm in denial. I'll remain friends for a while, then one day I'll lose my shit and then we'll never speak again.

― Paunchy Stratego (kenan), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:03 (twenty years ago)

i have not found a solution to this

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:04 (twenty years ago)

i'm still friends with the majority of my exes, and while it crops up as an issue now and again when my gf's drunk or miserable, i've decided it's her problem to deal with, not mine. i'm fucked if i'm gonna jettison friends just cos she's unnecessarily insecure on occasion. as long as there's genuinely no subtext/funny business, just...deal, y'know?

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:08 (twenty years ago)

seriously, (although i don't think i ought to post this here), i've had similar "problems" here and i think it's down to a misunderstanding really. It's entirely reasonable to want to stay friends with an ex so long as you don't have "those" kind of feelings for them anymore. After all, you got on well as lovers so why not as friends? After all you don't hate each other so why pretend to ignore each other?
She must see it as "why would you want to be friends with her if you broke up? is there something i should know? might you get drunk with them one day and accidentally pull each other again?".

There is no easy answer. So long as you are sure you don't have feelings for your exes then there shouldn't be a problem. Stand your ground but make sure your gf feels ultimately secure with you.

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:09 (twenty years ago)

if she wants to be your lover, she has to get with your friends

― ken c (ken c), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:11 (twenty years ago)

if she wants to be your lover, she has to get off with your ex girlfriends.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:12 (twenty years ago)

This is probably not going to be a popular answer, but I'll be blunt. Mention that you don't like her jealousy, and that it isn't acceptable. If she keeps acting the way she is after that, get rid of her. I've had a few relationships of this sort, and they all ended BADLY. At which point, you then have to go and apologize/eat shit to the friends you've been ignoring.

Unfounded jealousy = lack of trust = bad news all around.

― John Justen (johnjusten), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:21 (twenty years ago)

hit it from the back

― JD from CDepot, Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:28 (twenty years ago)

I have unfounded jealousy, I don't believe it always correlated with lack of trust though.

― Jeff-PTTL (Jeff), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 16:30 (twenty years ago)

thanks for all the responses so far, and yeah, i feel like i've gone through all these different attempts to deal with it. to clarify: both of these exes are people i've known for ages, who i ended up dating (one admittedly for a long time, but that was ages ago), and each relationship quickly revealed itself to be essentially just a friendship (i.e. very little sex and lots of "hanging out" time). i have zero unresolved feelings about either of them, and i'm pretty sure current gf knows that and believes me. and anyways, one of them is now in a serious relationship and the other went back to being a lesbian anyways, so what the fuck?

xpost to john: yeah, i'm sorta thinking this way too, but man it would suck -- in every other respect i really really like this girl and to have it end because of past relationships seems pretty stooopid.

i have a feeling this is a problem without a solution and i'm just venting.... (sigh)

― hobocop, Wednesday, 21 September 2005 17:40 (twenty years ago)

Sorry, dog latin, I think hobocop is actually me. Scarily so.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 17:46 (twenty years ago)

Not that I've had problems with this, exactly, but it's a similar dating background.

― jaymc (jaymc), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 17:50 (twenty years ago)

oh yes, and about her exes, she only really had one serious boyf dude and he sounded like a bastard -- cheated on her and the like, though she's cagey with the details, but i think that's the gist of it. they had a sketchy relationship post breakup which included some hooking-up-while-he-was-with-new-girlfriend until i came along.

yes, i realize this is most likely part of the problem too....

― hobocop, Wednesday, 21 September 2005 17:50 (twenty years ago)

dump her, i mean, what's her fuxxing problem anyway?

(i kid)

― ai lien (kold_krush), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 17:52 (twenty years ago)

yes, i realize this is most likely part of the problem too....

Tell her that you understand her issues and sympathise with her but that you are not her ex-boyfriend and that you don't see why your friendships, even if they were once sexual or love affairs, must suffer because her ex-boyfriend hurt her.

― M. White (Miguelito), Wednesday, 21 September 2005 17:57 (twenty years ago)

OK if one of the girls is gay, and shes still jealous, shes an idiot.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 September 2005 00:20 (twenty years ago)

dump her

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 22 September 2005 00:40 (twenty years ago)

my outlook is that one shouldn't waste time on partners who have a fatal flaw.

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 22 September 2005 00:44 (twenty years ago)

my outlook is that one should not waste one's fatal flaws on unworthy partners.

― Orbit (Orbit), Thursday, 22 September 2005 00:45 (twenty years ago)

It sounds like you've got it figured out already -- you know you had a strong basis for friendship with each of the exs and it's to all of your credit that you stayed friends. Too bad the current gf can't grok this (especially considering both exes are totally unavailable for various reasons), but I think you should stick to your guns. It may be that your current isn't jealous of sexual tension but simply of the levels/complexities of the friendships, and maybe you should consider whether you and the current gal are doing enough non-romantic friends kinds of bonding.

I'm best friends with my first boyfriend -- we dated for 2 yrs in my 20s and eventually realized we were a terrible couple but perfectly tailored to be close friends, so we kept it that way. Has been trying at times but when I think of the richness of influence & thought that he's contributed, I know I simply wouldn't be the same person without. This did freak out my last boyfriend, but then he had inferiority issues to begin with (and he wasn't entirely wrong).

― Laurel, Thursday, 22 September 2005 00:51 (twenty years ago)

GRRLS ARE JEALUS

― Ian John50n (orion), Thursday, 22 September 2005 12:19 (twenty years ago)

I had issues of this nature for ages after I got together with my b/f. I just kept dwelling on the "what if he still wants her" side of it. It was nothing to do with lack of trust, but history between 2 ppl is a bitch when you're drunk!

― Panther Pink (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 22 September 2005 12:25 (twenty years ago)

Sometimes you have to spell it out to girls that it's them you like. That you're with them, not your exes.
I am unsure why I am writing this from the male perspective.

― suckling pig at a rave (alix), Thursday, 22 September 2005 12:40 (twenty years ago)

Does this thread exist in hope that someone will start a thread called "MY GF EATS THE F*CK OUT OF MY EX-GIRLFRIENDS"?

― Eric H. (Eric H.), Thursday, 22 September 2005 12:49 (twenty years ago)

I know what you're saying Lixi & I do agree with you, for me I just thought that the girl in question may have rejected my boy & subsequently he still liked her but had "moved on" as such. I really hated myself for feeling all jealous though, it's horrible.

― Panther Pink (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 22 September 2005 12:49 (twenty years ago)

If the friendships are important then giving them up because of your girlfriend's feelings is going to make you resent her in the end. Although compromise is vital, a relationship where one partner can't accept a truly important aspect of the other's life - whatever it is - is not destined to last.

She will probably get over it eventually if you just keep doing what you're doing. The more time passes with no funny business between you and an ex, the more reason she will have to trust you.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 22 September 2005 12:57 (twenty years ago)

ok, maybe rule out the lesbian, but you're keeping the other ex you like to 'hang out with' as safety, yes?

― N_RQ, Thursday, 22 September 2005 13:03 (twenty years ago)

I mean, there are probably people that I'm friends with that my husband would be slightly happier if I wasn't, and vice versa. But in the end we are the only two people in this relationship and we both know that. It's about trust, respecting the need for our own lives, and a sense of proportion.

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 22 September 2005 13:05 (twenty years ago)

Get the book "He's Just Not that into You"

Must be a lot of teenagers responding to your question. If you're really into your girlfriend, why do you need to hold on to ex girlfriends? Knowing you're hurting her and your realtionship by wanting to hang out with the exes isn't enough to stop?
AS one poster said "Safety"...sounds about right.
In your own words "she freaks the hell out" "Causing havoc" I think you did the right thing by stopping seeing the exes. Real men don't need their egos fed by exes. Unless you're not that into her.

What's wrong with starting out with a clean slate? I

― I don't buy it, Tuesday, 27 September 2005 14:52 (twenty years ago)

There are all sorts of friendships with exes, some good, some fueled by guilt and unfinished business.
The ex has to demonstate that she has no continuing love interest in the guy by establishing a friendship with the current girlfriend. She has to be as much of a friend, if not more of a friend, to the current girlfriend as she is to her ex. Otherwise there's going to be trouble, especially if the current girlfriend has some scar tissue from past "we're just friends" betrayals. It's a delicate situation and should be treated as such.
Jealousy can be intense at the beginning of a relationship, when you're not sure of your partner's level of committment. It doesn't necessarily mean this current girlfriend is crazy. Take a look at the nature of your relationships with the exes. Are they welcoming her? If not, get some distance.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 27 September 2005 15:22 (twenty years ago)

Beth does have a point here. Your new gf shouldn't have a right to make you ditch old friends but if these exes really are your friends and if you want to make a good-faith effort to make stuff work with the new gf, then you should tell the girls to play it cool for a while and to be friendly with the new lady, perhaps discretely alluding to issues that she has.

― M. White (Miguelito), Tuesday, 27 September 2005 15:29 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, but if you have to TELL them to be friendly to the current that's not good. And telling them that she's threatened by them would made her lose face in a big way. Then you'd really catch hell!
I have been this girlfriend.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Tuesday, 27 September 2005 15:34 (twenty years ago)

JYFIHP, man.

― ng-unit, Tuesday, 27 September 2005 15:40 (twenty years ago)

PLEASE no-one ever recommend that godforsaken "he's just not that into you" to ANYONE ever again -- i am convinced that book has ruined many a decent-and-could-evolve-into-something-awesome relationship before. i remember when i started dating this girl, her sister read that book and convinced gf that i was indeed "not that into her" which was a fucking nightmare for a bit since i *was* into her. ack.

back to subject at hand -- things have actually got better this week and i don't really know why but it all seems to be cooling over. and no, i'm not keeping either around as a "safety" -- i honestly have a decent and good friendship with someone i used to date. is that so hard to understand?

― hobocop, Tuesday, 27 September 2005 15:43 (twenty years ago)

I have tons of male friends who are not particularly pally with my husband, and if he wanted to get antsy about it, that would be his problem. I'm not going to force a disparate group of people to be friends just to ease off any worries my husband may have. If he chose not to trust me, then that's shit, but I'm not having anyone tell me who I can and can't be friends with.

(note, this has not happened, and is not likely to happen given that he, you know, TRUSTS me, but if he were to be a grade one arsehole about it, I'm not going to stop being friends with people, some of whom I knew before I knew him).

― ailsa (ailsa), Tuesday, 27 September 2005 15:51 (twenty years ago)

I've only had one serious relationship, and I've lost touch with her, but I know LOADS of exes who have stayed perfectly good friends, no problem. Seriously, in my experience it happens all the time and should be nothing to get jealous about.

― chap who would dare to thwart the revolution (chap), Tuesday, 27 September 2005 15:56 (twenty years ago)

My mother's first husband and his 2nd wife were two of my parents' best friends. When he (the 1st husband) died last year, both of my parents were broken up over it. My mother had to tread a fairly fine line between being there for her good friend (the widow) and withdrawing after a respectful period, as the previous wife.

― Rock Hardy (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 27 September 2005 16:05 (twenty years ago)

I'm lucky in that all my exs are totally off the immediate vicinity, and only one is even nearby, but they are 'reasonably cool'...

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 28 September 2005 08:06 (twenty years ago)

From my previous posts you must think I disapprove of being friend with an ex. I don't. I LOVE some of my husband's exes. Mine are not in communication for the most part, not out of hostility, though. They drifted away.
But I stand by my statement that the ex can't exclude the current partner. If they do—if the current partner feels shut out—that's usually a sign of unresolved issues in the past relationship. And those issues may NEVER be resolved. There's a reason the relationship foundered.
Of course members of a couple are going to have some friends they don't share with their spouse. They're fellow stamp-collectors or whatever. But past lovers? It's too loaded. Unless they're both in the chess club.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Wednesday, 28 September 2005 12:54 (twenty years ago)

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