The Things You Learn From The METRO

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Here we chronicle the things we learn from The Metro free newspaper

I learnt today from the 2nd page of the metro in london that there is a BSE control of at what age older cattles are prevented from entering the food chain.

and it's called THE OTM RULE

more info here.
http://www.food.gov.uk/foodindustry/meat/otmreview/

LOL OTM

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:32 (twenty years ago)

I learnt that the plural of octopus is octopodes and that octopi is when Latin noobs get their Greek in a twist.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:38 (twenty years ago)

I haven't read the Metro and its astonishing ungrammatical headlines (HOSPITAL BED BOY DRAMA!!!) in ages. This makes me sad somehow.

― The Brocade Fire (kate), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:41 (twenty years ago)

They are the teletext news of papers.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:41 (twenty years ago)

Some of the Teletext headlines yesterday were classic - especially the ones about the Impaled Conker Boy

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:44 (twenty years ago)

What is Impaled Conker Boy? Is that as good as it sounds?

― The Brocade Fire (kate), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:53 (twenty years ago)

Some young shaver who shimmied up a tree to collected horse chestnuts (or "conkers" as these young fellows call them) and fell onto a fence, dying in the result - all very tragic but, unfortunately "conker" is an intrinsically funny word especially when combined with "impaled"

― Raymond Douglas Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:57 (twenty years ago)

"What is Impaled Conker Boy?"

Possibly a Flaming Lips b-side.

― Hello Sunshine (Hello Sunshine), Friday, 23 September 2005 09:58 (twenty years ago)

A week ago in the Metro I learned the name of an artist who made revolting rat sculptures. However, I have forgotten her name. Can anyone help?

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:01 (twenty years ago)

Lee "Army Of Lovers/What About The Elephants" Ryan thinks that 50 Cent should be singing about how lucky he is to be alive (p 19).

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:04 (twenty years ago)

What is Impaled Conker Boy? Is that as good as it sounds?

How good *does* it sound?

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:17 (twenty years ago)

it sounds like a comic book story. which is pretty good

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:21 (twenty years ago)

It involves a 12-year-old boy dying after falling onto railings.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:31 (twenty years ago)

yes, when i found that out it became less like a comic book story

(unless he then becomes radioactive)

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 10:32 (twenty years ago)

Nemi is a dick.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:15 (twenty years ago)

nemi is teh cuet, f00l.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:17 (twenty years ago)

ok, not really.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:17 (twenty years ago)

I'd like to see a photo of Claire Allfree.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:30 (twenty years ago)

I was just out at lunch, thinking about the Metro, when I saw a man with mad starey eyes shouting incoherently at passers by. In his hand he was waving a copy of today's Metro.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:44 (twenty years ago)

Your mental power alone called him into existance!!!

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:48 (twenty years ago)

he was trying to determine which passer-by didn't pass the OTM rule

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 11:50 (twenty years ago)

hospital bed boy TRAGEDY kate! wife cheat death quiz!

― emsk ( emsk), Friday, 23 September 2005 14:16 (twenty years ago)

also an entire page about why cheese and tomato sauce sandwiches go soggy and why pizza doesn't and how to stop your cheese and tomato sauce sandwich from going soggy.

also our russian works for LU and their internal magazine is called otm! i will steal one from our living room and bring it to you ken.

― emsk ( emsk), Friday, 23 September 2005 14:17 (twenty years ago)

yes please!

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 23 September 2005 14:27 (twenty years ago)

Mourinho is committed to the task at hand.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Friday, 23 September 2005 14:28 (twenty years ago)

I have learned that 'THIS LIFE' is the worst cartoon the world has to offer.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:22 (twenty years ago)

worse than the aformentioned Nemi? Love Is? The Daily Mail's 'I Don't Believe It'? George & Lynne? Doonesbury?

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:30 (twenty years ago)

Much worse than Nemi. Love is and G&L have kitsch value. Doonesbury is apparently clever if you're into such things. I Don't Believe It I don't know.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:31 (twenty years ago)

There is no value to that sort of kitsch. I guess Lynne does have a nice arse though.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:34 (twenty years ago)

this life is utterly dreadful. all the bile for nemi should take into consideration the fact that it registers as an actual feature of the paper, where this life just seems to be white noise in newspaper form, a visaul teflon that the eye slides over without passing through any part of the brain

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:36 (twenty years ago)

I learnt from the Metro today that there is a dolphin that will hum the batman theme when shown a small plastic batman model.

― bidfurd__, Monday, 3 October 2005 14:40 (twenty years ago)

God I love dolphins.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:43 (twenty years ago)

they never impress me. monkeys tho - you can't go wrong with a monkey story

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:46 (twenty years ago)

I completely disagree. Monkeys were played out by the end of the last century.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:49 (twenty years ago)

Hippy.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:54 (twenty years ago)

we saw monkeys yesterday. I preferred the red river hog though.

― suckling pig at a rave (alix), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:55 (twenty years ago)

Oh give the boy a "Monkey Business" T-shirt from Burtons.

x-post

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:56 (twenty years ago)

yeah? well dolphins are so 80s

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Monday, 3 October 2005 14:58 (twenty years ago)

Yeah well the 80s are back, haven't you seen the Tight Fit reunion tour?

And at least you don't have to put up with at least five teams called dolphin something at every pub quiz you go to.

I'm more into otters, anyway.

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:06 (twenty years ago)

I always knew it! N is blokey out of "Ring Of Bright Water" and I claim my £5.

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:07 (twenty years ago)

of course they're all common otters after i've finished with them.

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:08 (twenty years ago)

What?

― Alba (Alba), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:09 (twenty years ago)

Wotwotwot?

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:11 (twenty years ago)

Incidentally, Stevem - do you work with Flash? (for some reason I seem to think that you do.) Could you possibly give some tech advice to a friend of mine?

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:17 (twenty years ago)

i hardly ever use it these days, but possibly...

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:25 (twenty years ago)

Can I give her your gmail address? She's very nice, runs a French disco.

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:26 (twenty years ago)

can i have her email too?

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:28 (twenty years ago)

Do you know Flash?

― Paranoid Spice (kate), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:30 (twenty years ago)

sure.

but really i'm just interested in french disco

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:31 (twenty years ago)

(and nice girls who run them)

― ken c (ken c), Monday, 3 October 2005 15:31 (twenty years ago)

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I have learned that human piss smells different than cat piss.

― CaptainLorax, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 22:53 (seventeen years ago)

that two faced pig is gonna have some serious self-esteem issues

― CaptainLorax, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 22:54 (seventeen years ago)

We should all create our own Em cartoons.

Badly drawn woman number one: Remember when we were students, we'd listen to Radiohead
Badly drawn woman number two: I am drinking wine
Badly drawn woman number one: Yes you are

This has to be much more verbose so the sheer amount of text cramming each panel causes the drawings to be rudely forced into the lower third.

― Raw Patrick, Tuesday, 20 November 2007 23:40 (seventeen years ago)

three months pass...

What a waste of oxygen Kelly Osbourne is (Metro, Fri). How ironic that someone with no musical talent is presenting music awards at the Brits and NME awards. Another spoiled brat from a privileged background with no manners at all.
Jimmy Case, Liverpool

― DJ Mencap, Monday, 3 March 2008 10:34 (seventeen years ago)

How ~~ironic~~apt that someone with no musical talent is presenting music awards at the Brits and NME awards

― ken c, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:25 (seventeen years ago)

How ironic that someone with no musical talent is ~~presenting music awards~~ at the ~~Brits and~~ NME ~~awards~~.

― Dingbod Kesterson, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:37 (seventeen years ago)

http://classic.liverpoolway.co.uk/a-zofplayers/a-d/case.jpeg

Jimmy has OPINIONS 4U

― DJ Mencap, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:38 (seventeen years ago)

GODWIN'S!

― Dingbod Kesterson, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:47 (seventeen years ago)

"Think about it. If a photographer takes a whole motor-driven film of someone doing a wave, you will get a Nazi salute at the end of each arm-sweep. All you need is some dickhead at a music paper or whatever to make an issue out it."

― DJ Mencap, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:54 (seventeen years ago)

"Think about it. If a photographer takes ~~a whole motor-driven film of someone doing~~ a wave, you will get a Nazi ~~salute at the end of each arm-sweep. All you need is some~~ dickhead at a music paper ~~or whatever to make an issue out it~~."

― Dingbod Kesterson, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:56 (seventeen years ago)

http://www.mollygood.com/wp/docs/2008/02/dohblood2.jpg
"Tell me about it!"

― Mark G, Monday, 3 March 2008 12:58 (seventeen years ago)

one month passes...

I think this story is made up. I'm not sure how I feel about the caption.

― Alba, Thursday, 10 April 2008 09:54 (seventeen years ago)

"Police in Bologna arrested the victim for possessing a fake watch"?!?!?!

― ledge, Thursday, 10 April 2008 09:57 (seventeen years ago)

As I say...

― Alba, Thursday, 10 April 2008 10:16 (seventeen years ago)

one month passes...

Yesterday I learned (from Nemi) that there is a medical condition that involves vomiting faeces.

― Alba, Thursday, 29 May 2008 07:41 (seventeen years ago)

It's caused by reading Nemi.

― Raw Patrick, Thursday, 29 May 2008 08:22 (seventeen years ago)

LENGTHY UNRELATED POST REMOVED

― chaki, Thursday, 29 May 2008 09:47 (seventeen years ago)

congrats re: hot chick!!

― ken c, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:25 (seventeen years ago)

http://img.metro.co.uk/i/pix/cartoons/nemi/n605_600x194.gif

Hilarious

― Dom Passantino, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:27 (seventeen years ago)

^^^^ hot chick in Chaki's bed, waiting for him to finish on internet.

― Raw Patrick, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:39 (seventeen years ago)

http://lolrider.com/images/nemi.gif

― ken c, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:43 (seventeen years ago)

Nobody who has hot action waiting for them in bed stops at their computer terminal on their way to it to tell the interweb. Just sayin'.

― suzy, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:43 (seventeen years ago)

you obviously have never played bass in an awesome metal show.

― ken c, Thursday, 29 May 2008 10:47 (seventeen years ago)

If they're all as confrontational as Alexandra from Big Brother (Metro, Wed), it's no wonder south London youngsters are dropping like flies.
Sean Collingdridge, West Yorkshire

― DJ Mencap, Thursday, 12 June 2008 09:39 (seventeen years ago)

two months pass...

Today's 'This Life Cartoon'

Two black people sit under a sign saying 'EVENING CLASSES Rap music for people who aren't thick' as a white person walks away. !o_O!

― Drinking Island is inside every one of us (Ed), Thursday, 11 September 2008 08:40 (seventeen years ago)

I didn't understand that one. Can someone please explain?

― Our Friend The Atom (Masonic Boom), Thursday, 11 September 2008 09:02 (seventeen years ago)

TI called This Life "fucking shit" in a recently freestyle, it's a subliminal.

― The moment Carrie made cupcakes cool, Thursday, 11 September 2008 09:08 (seventeen years ago)

Ken C please repost your ChakiNemi cartoon please and thank you thx

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Thursday, 11 September 2008 09:45 (seventeen years ago)

Graham Bates of Leicester believes that "all illegal drugs should be banned". That is a thing I have learned today from the METRO

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Friday, 19 September 2008 10:41 (seventeen years ago)

He's talking nonce sense.

― Neil S, Friday, 19 September 2008 10:56 (seventeen years ago)

Why are they always called Graham as well?

― Marcello Carlin, Friday, 19 September 2008 11:05 (seventeen years ago)

"Good news at last: petrol drops by 3p per litre"

I'm reporting them to the Press Council Commission Council. They're not supposed to give opinions, except in the letters they write for the letters page.

― Marcello Carlin, Friday, 19 September 2008 11:07 (seventeen years ago)

Today the Metro informed me that Will Smith is not, in fact, a Scientologist.

― chap, Friday, 19 September 2008 14:57 (seventeen years ago)

The 'Star Date' section, that professes to matchmake celebrity odd couples, has paired Boy George and George Michael today as they are both "raving mincers"

― The Slash My Father Wrote (DJ Mencap), Friday, 26 September 2008 09:49 (seventeen years ago)

two months pass...

Congrats to the Metro for somehow coming up with an even worse redesign than the Independent.

― Peter "One Dart" Manley (The stickman from the hilarious 'xkcd' comics), Tuesday, 2 December 2008 12:28 (sixteen years ago)

one month passes...

Is it me or are policemen getting younger every day?
Toby, Hampshire

― I'm Throwing Small Arms Around Powys (DJ Mencap), Wednesday, 28 January 2009 10:16 (sixteen years ago)

Alzheimer's is no joke, son.

― Theo Wankcott (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 28 January 2009 10:20 (sixteen years ago)

Yesterday I learned that there's a big trend for people paying people to bundle them into the back of vans and but them through a pretend kidnapping ordeal. I didn't really understand what for, but it seemed to be evidence of the country going to the dogs.

― Alba, Thursday, 5 February 2009 13:32 (sixteen years ago)

"put them", not "but them"

― Alba, Thursday, 5 February 2009 13:33 (sixteen years ago)

A friend of a friend went on a stag-do to Slovakia where it was arranged with the actual Police that the groom would be kidnapped at gunpoint and held for a couple of hours. Broken bones for no extra money.

― chord simple (j.o.n.a), Thursday, 5 February 2009 14:12 (sixteen years ago)

i learnt from the metro today that TOM EWING of POP CULTURAL BLOG freaky trigger has been reviewing every single no 1 single ever

― o_O (ken c), Monday, 9 February 2009 11:52 (sixteen years ago)

i also learnt that so far he has failed as he is still apparently 25 years behind.

― o_O (ken c), Monday, 9 February 2009 11:53 (sixteen years ago)

but none of the married ones (xp)

― Bernard Braden Misreads Stephen Leacock (Marcello Carlin), Monday, 9 February 2009 11:53 (sixteen years ago)

one month passes...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7942017.stm

― FREE DOM AND ETHAN (special guest stars mark bronson), Monday, 16 March 2009 14:43 (sixteen years ago)

According to this research, called Urban Life, these people are "young and cool", "cash-rich and time-poor" and "love city-dwelling". They are also sensitive to trends, love their brands and are media-literate.

disgusting savages

― FREE DOM AND ETHAN (special guest stars mark bronson), Monday, 16 March 2009 14:45 (sixteen years ago)

Fashion spend: £55 a week

waht

― Hard House SugBanton (blueski), Monday, 16 March 2009 14:57 (sixteen years ago)

I spend that on cravats alone.

― Dom Cry For Me, Passantino (NickB), Monday, 16 March 2009 15:00 (sixteen years ago)

at least buy some underpants

― Hard House SugBanton (blueski), Monday, 16 March 2009 15:02 (sixteen years ago)

one month passes...

There is a dating service called Obama Singles Dating. Spotted in the classifieds. How odd.

― Alba, Tuesday, 12 May 2009 18:05 (sixteen years ago)

four years pass...

http://www.anorak.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/clarification.jpg

― when I was Ted Croker man I couldn't picture this (DJ Mencap), Wednesday, 30 October 2013 13:27 (twelve years ago)

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