things you have used to "wipe" in times when you were without toilet paper

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coffee filters

― gear, logged out (gear), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:29 (twenty-one years ago)

and once, while camping, leaves

― gear (gear), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:30 (twenty-one years ago)

another time while camping in Northern Minnesota, a copy of the Star-Tribune. i believe it was the business section.

― gear (gear), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Poor reviews of my work. The American flag. The Bible. A baby.

Just leaves I think. Paper towels and tissues don't count, I imagine.

― Rhodia (Rhodia), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:33 (twenty-one years ago)

Flatmate's flannel.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Tortilla

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:34 (twenty-one years ago)

saran wrap

― o. nate (onate), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I read an article in GQ (I think) in which the soldiers who guarded Saddam Hussein were interviewed. One talked about how Saddam didn't use toilet paper, but wiped with his hand and then washed the hand off with a hose.

― gear (gear), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Why is "wipe" in quotes. what are you really trying to say.

― Petroski (petroski), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Ah, yes! At least once I've been in this situation and looked down at the underwear I was wearing and thought "these underwear aren't looking so good anyway..." and used them one last time.

― Rhodia (Rhodia), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:36 (twenty-one years ago)

I assumed it was a euphemism for "masturbate into." That's why I said tortilla.

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:37 (twenty-one years ago)

DON'T HAVE THE BAJA FISH TACOS AT N/A'S HOUSE!!!

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:42 (twenty-one years ago)

--leaves (from an avocado tree)
--underwear (which I literally ripped off of my body due to my position and the angle of the slope)

― Lingbertt, Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:46 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.wv-generalstore.com/images/Product_Images/toiletpaper.jpg

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Let me just say that snow is the absolute worst.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Coffee filters are PREFERABLE to TP.

Wax paper and tin foil are not.

― andy --, Thursday, 29 September 2005 17:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Let me just say that snow is the absolute worst.

what if you're suffering from the dreaded flaming anus?

― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Thursday, 29 September 2005 18:32 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.sakida.com/sno_cone.jpg

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 29 September 2005 18:51 (twenty-one years ago)

question to the guys on this thread:

do you like peeing on ice?

because my male friends seem to love it

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Thursday, 29 September 2005 18:57 (twenty-one years ago)

there's a satisfaction to peeing on snow, but that's because of the geometric patterns you can make. i dont know about ice.

― AaronK (AaronK), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:03 (twenty-one years ago)

do you like peeing on ice?

How else am I supposed to get my truck out of the driveway?

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:07 (twenty-one years ago)

do you like peeing on ice?

Frank Zappa to thread

― Gerard (Gerard), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:13 (twenty-one years ago)

i was at a frat house in SC last year... everyone was pretty nice but that didn't stop me from using their handtowel when i saw there was a stack of playboys but no toilet paper. and yeah, i put it back.

― Peter Densmore (pbnmyj), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Frank Zappa to thread

He's dead, you insensitive prick.

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Menstrual towels.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:18 (twenty-one years ago)

there's this one bar in town where they put ice in the urinals - dunno why - but my male friends love peeing in it.

one of the dudes says if he were a millionaire he'd have ice in his toilet 24/7

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:23 (twenty-one years ago)

There's a certain aural pleasure to peeing into a urinal full of ice.

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe it's the pleasure of seeing the warm piss melt the ice... It's every guy's dream: your dick has become a magic wand that can turn matter from one form into another.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Alcockmist

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Also Classic: Urinals with discarded citrus fruit.
Not Classic: Having to remove discarded citrus fruit from urinal.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:34 (twenty-one years ago)

tuomas otm.

― Bryant Gumbo (kenan), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Maybe it's the pleasure of seeing the warm piss melt the ice...

PHEAR MY CORROSIVE URINE!

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 29 September 2005 19:53 (twenty-one years ago)

My concern is more over toilet paper habits. Usually those who have a difficult time flushing are the one's who treat the toilet paper roll like cats, batting at the thing with their claws non-stop until there's a mountain, then dropping it into the bowel.

Fold people, fold.

― Toilet Painter, Thursday, 29 September 2005 20:35 (twenty-one years ago)

I just got supremely skeeved out when I realized that the guys on this thread are referring to SHIT rags. Yes, I momentarily forgot guys don't have to wipe when they PEE. (I admit I was happier that way as far as this thread is concerned, anyway.)

― Je4nn3 ƒur¥ (Je4nne Fury), Thursday, 29 September 2005 20:38 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, I momentarily forgot guys don't have to wipe when they PEE.

That's okay. I often wipe my dick on leaves or flatemates flannel, etc.

Just for fun.

― PappaWheelie B.C., Thursday, 29 September 2005 20:41 (twenty-one years ago)

batting at the thing with their claws non-stop until there's a mountain, then dropping it into the bowel.

That's a helluva typo there.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 29 September 2005 20:42 (twenty-one years ago)

what's that fetish called, the one where guys create ice sculptures of hot viking women and then pee on them?

no i'm serious, seriously

― gear (gear), Thursday, 29 September 2005 21:49 (twenty-one years ago)

― Confounded (Confounded), Thursday, 29 September 2005 22:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Leaves, lots and lots of leaves. Advantage being that you don't have to pack them into wherever you're going, don't have to pack them out, either -- saves weight.

Isn't using a splash of water normal in some cultures? Apart from the bidet, I mean. I seem to remember reading something about someone being totally grossed out by toilet paper.

― Laurel, Thursday, 29 September 2005 22:41 (twenty-one years ago)

my hand and a lot of hot water and soap :(

― jimmy glass (electricsound), Thursday, 29 September 2005 23:35 (twenty-one years ago)

i've used a midget

― kyle (akmonday), Thursday, 29 September 2005 23:45 (twenty-one years ago)

AHHHHHHHH YES.............PUT IT IN MY EGG HOLE......THAT FEELS SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOD........

― CHIRPY, Thursday, 29 September 2005 23:58 (twenty-one years ago)

A page of Rolling Stone -- out of necessity, I swear, not out of any particular sentiments toward the magazine

― Joseph McCombs (Joseph McCombs), Friday, 30 September 2005 02:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Used tissues. Really cheap rough paper towels.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 30 September 2005 02:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Isn't using a splash of water normal in some cultures? Apart from the bidet, I mean. I seem to remember reading something about someone being totally grossed out by toilet paper.

Yeah, this is true in some Asian cultures at least, they think the Western way of using paper instead of water is gross.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 30 September 2005 03:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Three cheers for the Sears Roebuck catalogue.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 30 September 2005 03:54 (twenty-one years ago)

some times i like to smear my shit between two intact pieces of shit and create a shit sandwich

― kurt broder (dr g), Friday, 30 September 2005 04:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Is that a honeycomb dildo upthread?

― Eric H. (Eric H.), Friday, 30 September 2005 04:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I've used short ends of dental floss. And paint remover. And prayer.

― Eric H. (Eric H.), Friday, 30 September 2005 04:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Pantliners

― Rumpie, Friday, 30 September 2005 06:21 (twenty-one years ago)

A couple of slices of wholegrain bread. I was in Amsterdam.

― Penelope_111 (Penelope_111), Friday, 30 September 2005 07:20 (twenty-one years ago)

A discarded chip wrapper. God knows what it was doing out in the woods.

― Don King of the Mountain (noodle vague), Friday, 30 September 2005 07:30 (twenty-one years ago)

penthouse magazine

― bingo (Chris V), Friday, 30 September 2005 09:16 (twenty-one years ago)

GET ONE RABELAIS (and read ch.1 pt. VIII of Gargantua & Pantagruel)

"Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure.

But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon minehonour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains."

http://www.gutenberg.org/files/1200/1200.txt

― Tim (Tim), Friday, 30 September 2005 09:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Elvis and an admiring Liam Gallagher also endorse this tactic

― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Friday, 30 September 2005 09:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Wipe: left
Eat : right
Shake hands : depends on infidel status of other

― Sheikh Mahandhi, Friday, 30 September 2005 09:56 (twenty-one years ago)

a tayto packet

― DV (dirtyvicar), Friday, 30 September 2005 10:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I've used a copy of the Guardian when it was in the big format. I had a job flushing it though.

― Louie_Strychnine, Friday, 30 September 2005 11:36 (twenty-one years ago)

Must be difficult, using something that's already full of shit.

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 30 September 2005 11:51 (twenty-one years ago)

I heard a good one, someone I am acquainted with ran out of toilet paper and so wiped up with a towel, then dumped it in the washing machine on top of some other stuff. Must have been pretty messy, but the person who told me the story removed it and dumped (tee hee) the offending article. He has evaded questions about its wherabouts since.

― Menelaus Darcy (Menelaus Darcy), Friday, 30 September 2005 13:04 (twenty-one years ago)

three years pass...

this thread is pretty informative.

― incomprehensible Kool-Aid swallower (sarahel), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 07:50 (seventeen years ago)

Menstrual pads. I'm not proud of this, but then again it was the apartment owner's fault for not having toilet paper available.

― Tuomas, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 07:57 (seventeen years ago)

― Peter Densmore (pbnmyj), Thursday, September 29, 2005 7:16 PM (3 years ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

THAT'LL TEACH 'EM!

― Matt Armstrong, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 08:41 (seventeen years ago)

left sock.

― 51 logins to SB Jol (darraghmac), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 09:24 (seventeen years ago)

i actually used the NME once, back when it was on newsprint.

tragically, i'd probably said more than once that i wouldn't even wipe my arse with it, but i guess i just swallowed my pride that day.

― #/.'#/'@ilikecats (g-kit), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 12:05 (seventeen years ago)

dock leaf.

― The Sorrows of Young Jeezy (jim), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 12:14 (seventeen years ago)

Pages from the phone book (it's almost fun because you can wipe your ass with specific people or businesses).

― she is writing about love (Jenny), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 12:15 (seventeen years ago)

you already said menstrual pads, tuomas

― caek, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 12:19 (seventeen years ago)

3 years pass...
Tuomas still rocking the menstrual pads

― snoball, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 12:29 (seventeen years ago)

Personally I only use toilet paper when there are no swan necks available.

― snoball, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 12:29 (seventeen years ago)

What I've done the most is tear up the cardboard roll, and then peel away thin sheets from it. It's extremely uncomfortable but at least it gets the job done.

― "lol" as frivolity (Stevie D), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 12:34 (seventeen years ago)

i was at this festival once and there were no toilets free but they were giving away loads of free condoms so i took loads of those and then stretched them all out and pooed into each one, then penetrated my own anus with the now plump condoms to wipe off the residuals. I'm not proud of this, but then again it was the festival's fault for not having enough toilets available

― ken "save-a-finn" c (ken c), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 12:48 (seventeen years ago)

pics or it didn't happen

― 51 logins to SB Jol (darraghmac), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 13:15 (seventeen years ago)

Dear god is this what last night's revives has resulted in? What have Tza and I done?

― \(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 14:03 (seventeen years ago)

"have"

― \(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 14:07 (seventeen years ago)

http://msrb.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/mushroom-cloud-hb.jpg

― her performance (ie, her pubes) stood out for me (HI DERE), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 14:07 (seventeen years ago)

ken u might enjoy spacedocking?

― cozwn, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 14:11 (seventeen years ago)

Cozwn, no! Don't encourage him.

― \(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 14:13 (seventeen years ago)

friend of mine had a video of spacedocking on his phone. Not good.

― The Sorrows of Young Jeezy (jim), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 14:21 (seventeen years ago)

(;_;)

― \(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Wednesday, 8 July 2009 14:26 (seventeen years ago)

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3643/3615955564_339b8d4cfb.jpg

― snoball, Wednesday, 8 July 2009 14:30 (seventeen years ago)

twelve years pass...

my brother used paper towels.

he didn't know they clogged the toilet.

he is 39 years old

― there's too much fucking shit on me (Neanderthal), Monday, 9 August 2021 16:43 (five years ago)

guess it's more like BROWNY huh

― Evan, Monday, 9 August 2021 16:53 (five years ago)

rocks

― Linda and Jodie Rocco (map), Monday, 9 August 2021 17:38 (five years ago)

Was this while hiking? I've heard of using smooth rocks for this purpose. (When I get the urge to go for a long walk, I lie down in a climate-controlled interior until the mood passes.)

― Infanta Terrible (j.lu), Monday, 9 August 2021 18:55 (five years ago)

I once used psionics to wipe the memory of my beshitted ass from everyone's minds, then strolled out the door.

― Carlos Santana & Mahavishnu Rob Thomas (PBKR), Monday, 9 August 2021 19:13 (five years ago)

Was this while hiking? I've heard of using smooth rocks for this purpose. (When I get the urge to go for a long walk, I lie down in a climate-controlled interior until the mood passes.)

― Infanta Terrible (j.lu), Monday, August 9, 2021 7:55 PM (twenty-one minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

doing trail runs in the desert

― Linda and Jodie Rocco (map), Monday, 9 August 2021 19:17 (five years ago)

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