The state of the British Nation

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We're always hearing horror stories in the press about how the British populace is being suffocated by epidemics of heart disease and obesity. "Not like the Europeans," people say "the average Italian can expect live up to the age of 158. Round 'ere we're popping our clogs like Dutch can-can dancers. Probably cos they eat all them 'ma'oes and drink all that red wine innit - red wine's good for you of course". All that sun and sea and sex - 'course your gonna be healthier".
But woah there. Sure a Mediteranean holiday by the seaside can be nice and refreshing but that doesn't mean that everyone who lives in Europe starts their day with a garlic bruschetta and a fresh bottle of plonk, then goes to work via water-ski. People in Europe still have to stand around in dingy shops and sit on their arses in air conditioned offices all day. They still go to lunch at McDonalds or opt for a chip sandwich one day out of three. So what's the difference?

Take an average Friday evening. Mr Britain returns home from work. It's been a long day since he had to work through his lunchbreak, but at least now he can come home and relax for a moment. As soon as he's out of this traffic jam.
Bursting through the front door, Mr Britain notices the clock - 6:30pm, damn - he's going to be late.
"Evening darling, how was work?" asks Mrs Britain, herself still in her office jacket and skirt.
"Ah it was okay dear," replies Mr Britain, pecking her on the cheek whilst treading on his own feet in an attempt to take off his shoes without bending over "Terrible accident on my way home - traffic was backed up for miles!"
"Poor guy, must have been in a hurry to get home. Well I've made lasagne for us all tonight. It'll be ready in half an hour."
"Oh hun, it's Alan's leaving do!"
"Oh. Oh right sorry I completely forgot - what time does it start?"
"I've gotta be at the Rat and Squirrel for 8." Mr Britain grabs a piece of bread out the fridge and spreads it feebly with butter and jam.
"So I guess it's just me and the kids tonight for dinner then."
"You could come with me, I'm sure we can ask Janice to babysit?"
"I'm not sure. I've had such a long day - these shifts are killing me."
Mr Britain runs up the stairs, jammy crumbs round his lips. "You've gotta ask your both to cut you thum thlack".
"Dear, I wish you wouldn't speak with your mouthful!"
A slam of the bathroom door. Within 15 minutes, Mr Britain emerges from the house, wet haired and clean of shirt. Normally he'd walk to the pub but time is ticking away. He leaps into his car - got to get it fixed but the garage is only open for half the day on Saturdays. After three attempts, the engine starts. Mr Britain's Mondeo swings out the drive and towards town. Quick, park, park, park. Get money - £40, that should be more than enough for a big night out. He lights a cigarette.
Enter pub, 15 minutes late.
"Where you been you tosser?" asks Jim, demolishing his second pint of the night. "What's your poison?"
"Pint please Jim".
They proceed to drink an inhuman amount of alcohol. Two and a half hours and several trips to the toilet later, Mr Britain, Jim and Alan are sitting around in the half-light.
"I'm going to have to take your drinks away from you gents, if you don't finish them" threatens the barman.
"Aw come on" says Jim "It's not even 11.15 yet!"
They emerge from the pub. The people of the town are spilling onto the street in differing states of inebriation. A fight breaks out up the road.
"What do you wanna do now?" asks Alan.
"Dunno mate, I'm pretty pissed" replies Mr Britain, his body still becoming acquired to the third pint he drank, let alone the sixth. "I'm starving too. Haven't eaten all day."
"I've got some gear if you fancy a cheeky spliff?"
"How old are you, 16? Come on!"
They go to Bodrums and grab a kebab, then Mr Britain drives them home. Must get that gearbox fixed. Got to stop doing this. When he gets home, Mrs Britain is asleep in her work clothes on the sofa, getting prepared for the early Saturday shift.

The problem with Britain, and it's a topical one - the fact that we're rushing ALL THE TIME. We get up and rush at a breakneck speed to get to work. In fact the first couple of hours of the day are the most stressful - no matter what way you look at it. Shifts get longer and longer on either side of the day (and often in the middle too!), so we start before 8, work through lunch and onward till 6 - any less is just not team playing.
Of course the daily commute only adds to the time, stress and cost of our lifestyles. Britain has the longest working hours in Europe, and that's nothing to be proud about.
Not only do we have the longest working hours, but also some of the earliest closing times. By 11.15pm the British populace are expected to be at home and tucked up in bed. If you're up past midnight, you're a rebel or a ne'er do well or a druggist.
We rush to the pub with barely a scrap of food in our stomachs then proceed to cram as much alcohol down our necks within the measly amount of time between getting to the pub and closing time.
Our social lives suffer too. In Europe and America, people generally have time for a sit down dinner and a coffee before leisurely leaving to go out and enjoying their evenings (about this time exact time, we're rolling home pissed out our trees). Notice how families in Europe stick together? It's because they, believe it or not, talk to each other every day at the dinner table. This is sociable living.
In Britain we need pubs because they're the only places that will serve us enough alcohol in such a short time. In Europe I noticed that many people hardly ever visit the pub when they go out - they don't need to.
If we're lucky to get out of our work clothes before flopping down on the sofa, there's little point in dressing up. Perhaps this is why so many people opt for the tracksuit and t-shirt school of fashion in their leisuretime that the British are infamous for their lack of dress sense.
Also, if we're required to work till 6pm, then why do the shops close at 5pm?! What's up with that? Even in the smallest French towns the shops will stay open quite a bit longer than they do in the UK. To make up for these later hours, shop employees will get a longer lunch break or they will employ part time staff (more jobs for more people).
It just makes more sense. British people are expected to work futuristic hours in traditional medieval living conditions. All these twats in the Mail complaining that 24-hr "drinking" will mean that the "little people who must be controlled" will end up drowning themselves in booze. If anything, this is what we are already doing - pickling our livers with a short sharp shock of boozeflow.

Concentrated boozing + lack of anything to do = fighting and unruly behaviour.

Long working hours + Shorter opening hours = more rushing about and less social human contact (like eating dinner with one's family).

24-hour licensing laws are coming all too slowly. We need to snap out of clinging to stupid regulations that were invented during the war and start living a little. This is the 21st century and I'm tired of being treated like some kind of mechanoid baby that needs to be told when to go to bed despite having to work nigh-on round the clock.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 12:33 (twenty years ago)

Did you get that from somewhere, DL? Or did you write it yourself?

tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 13 October 2005 12:46 (twenty years ago)

Obviously we work longer hours than them because of all the mucking about we do on the interweb between 9am and 5pm.

Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Thursday, 13 October 2005 12:47 (twenty years ago)

Obviously we work longer hours than them because of all the mucking about we do on the interweb between 9am and 5pm.

tis why i won't leave work til 7.

not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 12:49 (twenty years ago)

I find it so annoying how British people like to separate themselves from Europe when Britain is one of the main countries who have defined what Europe is. Just because you live on an island it doesnt mean you're not part of the continent!

Lovelace (Lovelace), Thursday, 13 October 2005 12:55 (twenty years ago)

Notice how families in Europe stick together? It's because they, believe it or not, talk to each other every day at the dinner table. This is sociable living.

ha, ha

one eye white, one eye black (FE7), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:06 (twenty years ago)

I find it so annoying how British people like to separate themselves from Europe when Britain is one of the main countries who have defined what Europe is. Just because you live on an island it doesnt mean you're not part of the continent!
-- Lovelace (futilecrime...), October 13th, 2005.

we-ell, you know: protestant reformation/failure to have french revolution and conventional bourgeois democracy/failure to go over to fascism.

N_RQ, Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:09 (twenty years ago)

I find it so annoying how British people like to separate themselves from Europe when Britain is one of the main countries who have defined what Europe is. Just because you live on an island it doesnt mean you're not part of the continent!

If anything my rant is pro-Europe. I agree we are physically part of Europe but there are a lot of people in Britain who would like to think that this little mud slat in the middle of the Atlantic is a continent unto itself.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:16 (twenty years ago)

is turkey 'physically part of europe'?

N_RQ, Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:18 (twenty years ago)

I mean, you're supposed to drink 1 pint an hour max to save your liver. With only 3 hours between 8pm when you get to the pub (if you're lucky and you rush) and 11pm when they kick you out, that is three pints and I know that barely anyone'll do that.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:21 (twenty years ago)

I dunno.

Care!

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:24 (twenty years ago)

i go to pubs at 6pm

i knew this was a doglatin thread after about 3 paragraphs (and noticing how little my scroll bar has gone down)

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:29 (twenty years ago)

Spot on, dog latin.

chap who would dare to kill all the threads (chap), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:33 (twenty years ago)

i go to pubs at 6pm

do you work in the pub?

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:37 (twenty years ago)

http://www.mgnet.karoo.net/imalanmainpic.jpg
this country.

g-kit (g-kit), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:38 (twenty years ago)

i just finish work at 17:45 and then go to the pub. welcome to london!

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:40 (twenty years ago)

i'm slow actually, tonight my work colleagues are getting there for 5pm. haha. alas i have work to finish so will only be able to drink 5 pints safely tonight before getting a decent night sleep before waking up well rested for work tomorrow.

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 13 October 2005 13:42 (twenty years ago)

I guess it's not so bad in London or in larger towns with decent clubs (here we go again) to go to - but it's precisely the smaller towns (the same ones that will be "destroyed" by 24-hour drinking licensing hours) that would benefit from somewhere for people to go later at night.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:18 (twenty years ago)

I personally can't wait for 24 licensing (my waking hours are more towards the 11am-2am range), although something about the idea of Cambridge students* partaking in this bothers me. Perhaps I am bitter.

*this is a lazy, sweeping generalisation. You know who I'm talking about, though.

tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:21 (twenty years ago)

you mean people from hitchin i think ;)

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:22 (twenty years ago)

My girlfriend is from Hitchin...

tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:22 (twenty years ago)

OMG IS IT DOGLATIN'S SISTER??????

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:23 (twenty years ago)

(don't tell sick mouthy!)

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:23 (twenty years ago)

tissp, really? I live in Hitchin.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:24 (twenty years ago)

Yes, really. I love her accent. She sounds pretty posh (to me), but occasionally slips into (what I presume to be) her Hitchin accent (e.g. lat-AH!), which cheers me up so much.

My experience of Hitchin is merely passing through it on the train. A lot of kids with skateboards, sez me.

tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:29 (twenty years ago)

I can't remember what she looks like.

Maybe DL could POST THE PICTURE AGAIN.

Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:32 (twenty years ago)

i think the course of this thread says everything about the state of the nation.

POST PIX KTHX

N_RQ, Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:35 (twenty years ago)

boring boring...

it's all like ingrained in british culture and drinking and fighting go back long long way shakespeare n all y'know and 24 hour drinking isn't going to make a blind bit of difference one way or another and all the towns that are going to get slightly more horrible were so horrible anyway so who gives a fck?

barbarian cities (jaybob3005), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:45 (twenty years ago)

I'm not sure I should post a pic of her really.

Tissp!, posh accents that suddenly go all cockney and skateboarding are exactly what make Hitchin what it is today.

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:53 (twenty years ago)

Tissp, if you care to reveal your gf's name just out of interest? Hitchin's pretty small and I might even know (or know of her).

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:53 (twenty years ago)

Maybe DL fucked her in the past, eh?

Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:56 (twenty years ago)

his sister? wtf? i knew hitchin was weird, but...

N_)RQ, Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:56 (twenty years ago)

Sent you an email, DL.

tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 13 October 2005 14:57 (twenty years ago)

By 11.15pm the British populace are expected to be at home and tucked up in bed. If you're up past midnight, you're a rebel or a ne'er do well or a druggist.

It might be like that in Hitchin, but it's very easy in London to find pubs open til 1 or 2 or 3am at the weekend. And there's always clubs open until stupid o'clock in the morning.

We rush to the pub with barely a scrap of food in our stomachs then proceed to cram as much alcohol down our necks within the measly amount of time between getting to the pub and closing time.

People only go to the pub early if it's midweek after work. Not many people would race down the pub at 5pm without food on a Saturday. And loads of pubs serve food nowadays. And people could always go to a restaurant and eat (and drink) there.

Our social lives suffer too. In Europe and America, people generally have time for a sit down dinner and a coffee before leisurely leaving to go out and enjoying their evenings (about this time exact time, we're rolling home pissed out our trees). Notice how families in Europe stick together? It's because they, believe it or not, talk to each other every day at the dinner table. This is sociable living.

This is a bit of an oversimplification. A lot of southern European countries are very socially conservative compared to Britain for various reasons (the power of the Catholic church, relatively recent urbanisation, facist dictatorships). Families don't just have meals together, they stick together forever. When I lived in Italy it wasn't considered remotely unusual for a 30-year-old man to still live with his parents, having never washed his clothes or cooked a meal in his life. Also, the bars are pretty much deserted until 10 or 11 at night - but what use is that on a week night if you've got work the next morning?

In Britain we need pubs because they're the only places that will serve us enough alcohol in such a short time. In Europe I noticed that many people hardly ever visit the pub when they go out - they don't need to.

Different countries in Europe have different tastes / cultures. We like getting pissed. A lot.

Also, if we're required to work till 6pm, then why do the shops close at 5pm?! What's up with that? Even in the smallest French towns the shops will stay open quite a bit longer than they do in the UK. To make up for these later hours, shop employees will get a longer lunch break or they will employ part time staff (more jobs for more people).

Hmmmm. To use Italy as the example again, I found it incredibly frustrating. The shops would open at 9 or 9.30, once everyone was at work, they would then close for lunch from about 12.30-3 at precisely the time everyone had their lunchbreaks. They would then reopen just as everyone went back to work, and close again at 7 when everyone finished work. When I first went there (1998) this was true even for big supermarkets. At least in this country nothing closes for lunch, and things are open on Sundays, and there are 24 hour shops and garages.

Teh HoBB (the pirate king), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:19 (twenty years ago)

Britain is great!

Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:23 (twenty years ago)

Britain is mediocre!

tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:23 (twenty years ago)

That too.

Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:26 (twenty years ago)

Lager is great!

Teh HoBB (the pirate king), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:26 (twenty years ago)

Does great imply mediocre, too? Does one have to ascend through mediocrity to be great? Is one a subset of the other?

tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:27 (twenty years ago)

(I LOVE LAMP)

tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:27 (twenty years ago)

LAMP IS GREAT!

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:34 (twenty years ago)

in a mediocre way

ken c (ken c), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:34 (twenty years ago)

beer is a meady ochre

Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Thursday, 13 October 2005 15:37 (twenty years ago)

"In Europe and America, people generally have time for a sit down dinner and a coffee before leisurely leaving to go out and enjoying their evenings (about this time exact time, we're rolling home pissed out our trees)."

.........as an american, this statement baffles me. now, im a college student, so i try to do as little as possible, but growing up my family rarely even had a sit down dinner, even though i suppose there was time.

JD from CDepot, Thursday, 13 October 2005 16:02 (twenty years ago)

It might be like that in Hitchin, but it's very easy in London to find pubs open til 1 or 2 or 3am at the weekend. And there's always clubs open until stupid o'clock in the morning.

London, Schmondon. Sorry, but you can't talk about Britain and only refer to London. London's a cosmopolitan city and lives in its own microcosm.

People only go to the pub early if it's midweek after work. Not many people would race down the pub at 5pm without food on a Saturday. And loads of pubs serve food nowadays. And people could always go to a restaurant and eat (and drink) there.

But I'm talking about going to the pub at a reasonable time like 9pm (or even ten). English eating habits accomodate that many families eat their dinners as early as five in the afternoon. Growing up in England under a French upbringing we would hardly ever eat before 8pm and when I went to friends' houses I couldn't believe they ate so early on.
Don't you agree that it's a shame that you can't really go out for a meal and then go for a drink? You have to do one or the either and then home by 11.15?

This is a bit of an oversimplification. A lot of southern European countries are very socially conservative compared to Britain for various reasons (the power of the Catholic church, relatively recent urbanisation, facist dictatorships). Families don't just have meals together, they stick together forever. When I lived in Italy it wasn't considered remotely unusual for a 30-year-old man to still live with his parents, having never washed his clothes or cooked a meal in his life. Also, the bars are pretty much deserted until 10 or 11 at night - but what use is that on a week night if you've got work the next morning?

Yes this is mostly true, particularly in Catholic countries. Still even non-religious families in France tend to have one sit down meal a day. TV-dinners are a very British invention. And also, I may have work in the morning but I really don't like to think I HAVE to go home to bed at 11.15. I'm not talking about wanting to go home at 5am every night but it would be nice to have the choice.

Same as licensing laws that say we can't buy alcohol in shops before 11am - what the SHIT is that about then? Why the fuck not? If I want to drink for 24 hours straight then I could very easily, except I don't because, well I don't. And even the most hardened alcholic eventually leaves a pub.

Hmmmm. To use Italy as the example again, I found it incredibly frustrating. The shops would open at 9 or 9.30, once everyone was at work, they would then close for lunch from about 12.30-3 at precisely the time everyone had their lunchbreaks. They would then reopen just as everyone went back to work, and close again at 7 when everyone finished work. When I first went there (1998) this was true even for big supermarkets. At least in this country nothing closes for lunch, and things are open on Sundays, and there are 24 hour shops and garages.

True, true but still the shops do close at 5.30 here and that's before anyone's out of work, innit? I'm not tlaking about closing the 24hr garages or anything like that, but surely it wouldn't hurt to extend shop licenses too?

dog latin (dog latin), Thursday, 13 October 2005 16:06 (twenty years ago)

I'm off down the pub now (on an empty stomach). Mmmmmmmm....beer.

Teh HoBB (the pirate king), Thursday, 13 October 2005 16:14 (twenty years ago)

Mmmmmmmm...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v284/jamiefake/Picture17.jpg

Teh HoBB (the pirate king), Thursday, 13 October 2005 21:17 (twenty years ago)

DL, there's a modicum of truth in what you say but fundamentally the biggest problem with yr mr britain is he's a drink-driving cunt and as such is lower than shit and deserves to die fucking horrifically. let's just hope he doesn't take anyone else with him, eh?

grimly fiendish (grimlord), Thursday, 13 October 2005 21:28 (twenty years ago)

DL, that was such a generalised rant. That little skit said very little to me about my life. I eat my dinner at the table, with my husband, and talk about our day. My life is relatively hassle free. If I want to drink after pub closing time (and incidentally, stop confusing "British"" licensing laws with English licensing laws - we have separate laws and longer opening hours up here in Scotland), then I come home and have a drink. Sometimes even, gosh, talking to my husband at the same time.

And yes, what Grimly said.

ailsa (ailsa), Thursday, 13 October 2005 21:59 (twenty years ago)

If I want to drink after hours I go to my local. Lock-in every night! Mwa-ha-ha.

ledge (ledge), Thursday, 13 October 2005 22:12 (twenty years ago)

These pubs that stay open later, will Mr. or Mrs. Britain be working the later, less convenient hours to keep them open?

richardk (Richard K), Thursday, 13 October 2005 22:14 (twenty years ago)

By the way I had a nice Thai meal and a chat with a friend and my wife. In the pub. Simple, really.

Teh HoBB (the pirate king), Friday, 14 October 2005 06:57 (twenty years ago)

I find it so annoying how British people like to separate themselves from Europe when Britain is one of the main countries who have defined what Europe is. Just because you live on an island it doesnt mean you're not part of the continent!

Well, to get geographical on your ass, we are separate from Europe, I find it rather annoying that other Europeans can't quite grasp the significance of this

Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 14 October 2005 07:57 (twenty years ago)

Do Irish or Icelandic people make as big a deal about being island nations though? Mind you, they never won LE TOURNOI...

Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Friday, 14 October 2005 08:01 (twenty years ago)

Neither did Britain. Oh, I think you'll find the Icelanders do make somewhat of a big deal about it. The Irish are happy in the knowledge that they're different from everyone on the planet.

Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 14 October 2005 08:05 (twenty years ago)

All I'm saying is, yes, English Europhobia is intensely stupid and irritating but obviously an "island race" is likely to feel somewhat alienated from the "mainlanders"

Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 14 October 2005 08:20 (twenty years ago)

thing is, we'll all be dead from bird 'flu before xmas, so does it really matter?

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 14 October 2005 08:23 (twenty years ago)

It's the Turkey's Revenge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dadaismus (Dada), Friday, 14 October 2005 08:25 (twenty years ago)

For not winning Eurovision two years ago!

Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Friday, 14 October 2005 08:26 (twenty years ago)

This thread has made me realise how happy I am to have a pub at the end of the road which has a lock in every night.

tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Friday, 14 October 2005 08:54 (twenty years ago)

If I want to drink for 24 hours straight then I could very easily

If I want to sit in and drink super tennants in the day I will,
no ones going to fucking tell me jack.

ken c (ken c), Friday, 14 October 2005 10:13 (twenty years ago)

you mean you don't do this all day every day already, ken?

grimly fiendish (grimlord), Friday, 14 October 2005 13:35 (twenty years ago)


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