My girlfriend just died

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My girlfriend just died of coronary heart failure.

I know it's probably bad to post on an internet board. i know i don't post here much but i've lurked around for years and i have no-one with me, i just woke a friend up and he's going to come round but not fr a while.

Some people might know her, she was a*ymkins from sinister. I feel numb. my friend is here now, that's nice of him.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:18 (nineteen years ago)

*shocked*

My god.

Words are useless. Just: my deepest condolences.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:34 (nineteen years ago)

i think you used to frequent a stereolab board with her at some point ned. i remember her mentioining it once when i told her abt ilx, i may be confused though.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:38 (nineteen years ago)

alcohol seems good.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:39 (nineteen years ago)

Yes, a mailing list. Donut on these boards runs it.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:40 (nineteen years ago)

awful. thoughts are with you.

― Barnaby (Barnaby), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:40 (nineteen years ago)

oh no. it's good your friend is there, jeffrey. i'm so sorry.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:42 (nineteen years ago)

i'm sorry, jeffrey.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:42 (nineteen years ago)

Sorry for your loss, Jeffrey.

― This Field Left Blank (Dee the Lurker), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:48 (nineteen years ago)

Holy shit. I am so, so sorry. :(

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:48 (nineteen years ago)

I'm so sorry, Jeffrey. Be strong. Our thoughts are with you.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:53 (nineteen years ago)

I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. Keep your friends around you.

― MindInRewind (Barry Bruner), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:58 (nineteen years ago)

oh my god. RIP. be strong jeffrey. all my love.

― jed_ (jed), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:00 (nineteen years ago)

Oh you poor sweetie! I am so sorry!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:03 (nineteen years ago)

thanks everyone :/

she was at the hospital a week ago with really bad chest pains and they told her it was only acid reflux but not to worry, people get confused like that all the time but it was only acid reflux.

i can't get out my head telling her how good that was since acid reflux just involves a bland diet and some gaviscon every day. i kinda of want to kill the bastards at the hospital.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:05 (nineteen years ago)

They didn't give her an EKG?

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:08 (nineteen years ago)

This is terrible. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

― General Doinel (Charles McCain), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:12 (nineteen years ago)

Condolences, Jeffrey. No need to be apologetic about posting here. What a terrible thing to happen to anyone -- echo all the kind thoughts already said.

― salexander / sofia (salexander), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:13 (nineteen years ago)

Jesus...I am really sorry for your loss. Best wishes to you.

― William (Rock Hardy), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:24 (nineteen years ago)

God, I can't even imagine... I'm sorry. Take care.

― gypsy mothra (gypsy mothra), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:30 (nineteen years ago)

Really sorry about your loss. I hope you can find strength and direction in the near future.

But you're entitled to whatever you feel. Let it out.

― Dave2xxx (dave225.3), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:31 (nineteen years ago)

jeffrey:

my sincere condolences to you and her family.

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:40 (nineteen years ago)

No EKG. Just a quick diagnosis of acid reflux then sent straight home, make an appt. with yr doctor soon to talk it over.

we are a long distance apart, we were going to get married and she was going to move over next march though. i am flying over tommorow to be with her parents and other.

thanks for everyones kind words. they are greatly appreciated.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:42 (nineteen years ago)

jeffrey, my deepest condolences to you. I echo everyone else here in wishing you strength. Take care of yourself.

― Jaq (Jaq), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:48 (nineteen years ago)

I'm so sorry, Jeffrey. Take care of yourself.
(I've been on sinister for a long time. I'm shocked at this news.)

― rrrobyn (rrrobyn), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:48 (nineteen years ago)

How horrible, I'm sorry jeffrey.

― tokyo nursery school: afternoon session (rosemary), Thursday, 3 November 2005 03:13 (nineteen years ago)

holy shit. im so sorry jeffrey. was this amy l*ngc*re?!? im so sorry for your loss.

― Homosexual II (Homosexual II), Thursday, 3 November 2005 04:03 (nineteen years ago)

It was amy l*ngc*re.

The funeral is on friday and they may be able to hold of till saturday at the latest so i'm not sure if i'll make it over in time. i really hope i can.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 04:19 (nineteen years ago)

That's horrible news, Jeffrey. I hope you can find the strength to get through this, man.

― Matthew C Perpetua (inca), Thursday, 3 November 2005 04:23 (nineteen years ago)

Condolences, Jeffrey. I hope you can make the funeral. I'm sure it will be comforting to her family to have you there if you can make it. If you're flying tomorrow, you should be able to, no?

― Maria :D (Maria D.), Thursday, 3 November 2005 04:33 (nineteen years ago)

Well i don't have plane tickets, the 'i am flying' was just an assumption. If i manage to get tickets tommorow i will certainly make it i just have no idea how easy they are to get so quickly.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 04:36 (nineteen years ago)

Make sure to explain the circumstances to any airlines.

― Super Cub (Debito), Thursday, 3 November 2005 04:38 (nineteen years ago)

I am very sorry to hear this, jeffrey. This is so horrible.

xpost

Yeah, Super Cub is right. If you explain why you're flying, you should get thru very quickly and cheaply.

― kingfish orange creamsicle (kingfish 2.0), Thursday, 3 November 2005 04:40 (nineteen years ago)

And sorry. This is truly tragic.

― Super Cub (Debito), Thursday, 3 November 2005 04:44 (nineteen years ago)

thanks again. i will make sure to do this.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 04:45 (nineteen years ago)

this is horrible and impossible. my best & only thoughts are with you, j.

― Gravel Puzzleworth (Gregory Henry), Thursday, 3 November 2005 05:21 (nineteen years ago)

I'm sorry, Jeffrey.

― ath (ath), Thursday, 3 November 2005 05:56 (nineteen years ago)

This is awful. You have my deepest sympathies; she was a lovely person, and I'll always remember meeting her.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Thursday, 3 November 2005 07:47 (nineteen years ago)

I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

― marianna lcl (marianna lcl), Thursday, 3 November 2005 08:51 (nineteen years ago)

OMG that's awful. My deepest sympathies.

― Panther Pink (Pinkpanther), Thursday, 3 November 2005 08:54 (nineteen years ago)

Condolences Jeffrey. Very sorry to hear.

― StrangeDays (StrangeDays), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:06 (nineteen years ago)

jeffrey, if you're talking about the peng list, i was the guy who moderated/ran it.

i feel absolutely horrible about this... i'm at a loss for words. i believe the list is no longer inactive, but if there's anything you would need to see -- like an archive or what not -- I'll see what I can do to find any. but this is entirely up to you. in the meantime, please find some time for peace and companionship with close friends if at all possible.

― iDonut B4 x86 (donut), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:21 (nineteen years ago)

So terrible, very sorry for your loss Jeffrey

― beanz (beanz), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:22 (nineteen years ago)

I am so terribly sorry to hear this. My deepest sympathies go out to you. *mykins was a very good friend was I was on S*n*ster and #s*n*ster a while ago.

― Madeleine (Madeleine), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:36 (nineteen years ago)

I'm so very sorry and shocked, jeffrey. Amy seemed like a fantastic person and I wish I'd had the chance to meet her in real life. I hope you're surrounded by friends right now. But anything that internet strangers can do, we'll do. x

― Archel (Archel), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:40 (nineteen years ago)

Jeffrey, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I don't know you - only from seeing your name on my computer screen - nor your girlfriend, but you're in my thoughts. I really can't understand they misdiagnosed this. Surely they should have done a heart test. Maybe they neglected to do this because she was young? I never know what to say because I always feel words can't ease the pain, certainly not from a stranger like me. Still, I am so terribly sorry. Cyber-hugs. :-((

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:48 (nineteen years ago)

Deepest sympathies.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:51 (nineteen years ago)

Oh god, my deepest condolences Jeffrey. No-one can really know how you're feeling right now and I wish you all the strength in the world. Concentrate on getting through each day. I can't tell you that the pain ever goes away - I think about Liz all the time and the horrible sense of loss and longing still comes back to me as raw as it was in July. Time and the support of friends and family has helped me at least to come to terms and continue to live my life. You can get through it with good people behind you.

Please email me at rob underscore brennan at yahoo dot co dot uk if you ever want to talk about anything.

― robster (robster), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:53 (nineteen years ago)

I'm so sorry, Jeffrey. I remember her as one of the people on s*nister whose posts I'd watch out for and look forward to reading. It's terrible.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 3 November 2005 10:44 (nineteen years ago)

I'm so sorry. I can't claim to have known you or your girlfriend but my thoughts are with you.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 3 November 2005 10:47 (nineteen years ago)

Skipping 18 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

My condolences and sympathy, jeffrey, it's an awful shame.

― Tom (Groke), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:21 (nineteen years ago)

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. Although I haven't posted on S*n*st*r for a long long time, I do remember Amy with some affection as one of the good ones. I hope you can find the strength to get through this - I know you will have the support. as is evidenced by this thread alone. God bless xx

― ailsa (ailsa), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:34 (nineteen years ago)

I am so sorry to hear this

my best wishes, danny

― RJG (RJG), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:34 (nineteen years ago)

jeffrey my deepest sympathies. i was doing what you just described, i couldn't type anything.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:45 (nineteen years ago)

jeffrey, i am so truly sorry that you have to go through this. you'll manage the pain with strength and time, but for now everything you're feeling is 100% ok, no matter what it is.

― firstworldman (firstworldman), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:52 (nineteen years ago)

condolences

― ai lien (kold_krush), Thursday, 3 November 2005 17:25 (nineteen years ago)

My deepest sympathies.

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 3 November 2005 17:27 (nineteen years ago)

i can't imagine how sudden and heartbreaking this much be. i am so sorry for your loss.

― Juulia (julesbdules), Thursday, 3 November 2005 17:46 (nineteen years ago)

i just woke up from a nap really disoreintated from valium thinking something important had happened and i had to ring and let her know. Those few seconds when it kicked in were fucking horrific. I just wrote her a huge big email, i know she'll never read it but i don't know what else to do. I know some people really don't think emotions and stuff are for a messageboard i just really feel like i need to talk about it a little.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 18:11 (nineteen years ago)

awful news. i'm very sorry to hear this. :-(

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Thursday, 3 November 2005 18:14 (nineteen years ago)

I am so sorry. I can't imagine how it must feel for you right now. Take comfort how you can & embrace your family & friends for support.

― kelsey (kelstarry), Thursday, 3 November 2005 18:24 (nineteen years ago)

Let it out, jeffrey. Seriously. No one is going to think differently if you vent.

― iDonut B4 x86 (donut), Thursday, 3 November 2005 18:27 (nineteen years ago)

What donut said.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 3 November 2005 18:27 (nineteen years ago)

(much=must in my post, obv)

this is your thread, jeffrey. talk as much as you want on here--anything that helps you get through this as well as you can.

― Juulia (julesbdules), Thursday, 3 November 2005 18:45 (nineteen years ago)

I really enjoy your conversation on the Games board Jeffrey and am so sorry to hear about your loss. My deepest sympathies and best wishes.

― melton mowbray (adr), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:04 (nineteen years ago)

I know some people really don't think emotions and stuff are for a messageboard

They are wrong, and I will leave it at that.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:20 (nineteen years ago)

I am very sorry, jeffrey, but I'm glad you were able to get a ticket. It's important for you to be there with other people who knew and loved her.

― Kittens Licking Cakes (coco), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:34 (nineteen years ago)

Vent in all reasonable arenas. This definitely includes messageboards *and* people close to you -- and the intersection thereof, most importantly.

― iDonut B4 x86 (donut), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:38 (nineteen years ago)

I'm very sorry Jeffrey, my deepest condolences:(

― estela (estela), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:46 (nineteen years ago)

I leave for my flight in just under 6 hours and come back on tuesday.

I spent a lot of the night with my family, they kept talking about things like wreaths and what kind of clothes i have to take with me. it just all seemed so unreal.

I keep getting this little tingle of excitement like i am going over to visit and stay with her again. I'm really hating my brain just now.

― jeffrey (johnson), Thursday, 3 November 2005 23:50 (nineteen years ago)

Death is a hard thing to wrap your brain around even if you've been expecting it, and right now you're at ground zero. The more people who loved her you see, the better. You can share your grief—suspend it between you. There's no way death can be rationally comprehended. All you can do is move forward through the days.
My father and brother died within a year of each other (years ago) and I remember that when people would ask me what I'd been doing, I'd just say, "my father and brother died." My bereavement defined who I was for a while. That's the way it is. You're being steamrolled by this thing right now.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Friday, 4 November 2005 00:02 (nineteen years ago)

Don't know what else to say than that I'm so sorry.

― Alba (Alba), Friday, 4 November 2005 00:47 (nineteen years ago)

I don't really have a lot to add here, though I've been thinking a lot lately about a friend I lost nearly 10 years ago. I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope that all the thoughts here are of some help. You're in a good place here.

― Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Friday, 4 November 2005 03:08 (nineteen years ago)

I'm so sorry, jeffrey.

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 4 November 2005 03:12 (nineteen years ago)

I can't imagine how i would feel in your shoes. my deepest sympathies go out to you. Good luck getting through this. anything you need to say on this board you should say. we'll be here to listen.

― Fetchboy (Felcher), Friday, 4 November 2005 03:24 (nineteen years ago)

So sorry.

― jim wentworth (wench), Friday, 4 November 2005 03:53 (nineteen years ago)

How absolutely devastating. I don't know anything to say except for I am so sorry.

― petullant (petullant), Friday, 4 November 2005 04:40 (nineteen years ago)

leaving now. take care everyone.

― jeffrey (johnson), Friday, 4 November 2005 05:58 (nineteen years ago)

jeffrey, i'm so sorry. please take care of yourself.

― maura (maura), Friday, 4 November 2005 06:03 (nineteen years ago)

Safe flight, and all our love.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 4 November 2005 06:04 (nineteen years ago)

I just had a fight with my girlfriend over something really insignificant. I feel terrible now after reading this thread. You have my deepest condolensces and I hope that you make it through this alright. Take care.

― J-rock (Julien Sandiford), Friday, 4 November 2005 06:42 (nineteen years ago)

i'm so sorry to hear this. i spoke to amy a lot on #s**ist*r a few years back. i don't really know what to say, except to take care of yourself. best wishes and lots of love.

lyns
xxx

― lynsey callaghan (lynsey), Saturday, 5 November 2005 00:25 (nineteen years ago)

so sorry to hear about this.

my thoughts are with you and her family

― Gavin Dunbar (kingofpartick), Saturday, 5 November 2005 00:27 (nineteen years ago)

that's really terrible/sad. my condolences.

― M@tt He1geson (Matt Helgeson), Saturday, 5 November 2005 01:25 (nineteen years ago)

Jeffrey - like I said to the Robster back in July - it's shit. It's fucking shit - you know what happened with me and Laura, I don't need to retell the story, it's been told enough times - but anyway - marcellocarlin@hotmail.com - there if you need it - hang on in there - god knows i've done my best these last four years and it was a long, horrible and painful haul but finally there is light at the end of my tunnel and there will be at yours - eventually - not tomorrow, but it will happen.

take care,
mc xx

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Saturday, 5 November 2005 10:17 (nineteen years ago)

my condolonces, jeffrey.

― weasel diesel (K1l14n), Saturday, 5 November 2005 13:32 (nineteen years ago)

I'm terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you are able to find peace.

― Sundar (sundar), Saturday, 5 November 2005 15:10 (nineteen years ago)

I am back home now. the service was really nice and a bunch of her friends i had hardly met said some beautiful things about her. It was incredibly christian though and amy certainly wasn't but most of the rest of her family is so there it went. It gave everyone so much comfort, believing in God and how she'd be in heaven just now. I am a heathen and don't understand why she isn't here anymore but i tried so so hard to believe.

Her dad gave me an engagement ring to put in her casket since we never got round to anything like that. Our secular asses just never saw the point in declaring a bunch of things before God that we already knew were true, it was just something we were going to do to make immigration easier and because we never had anything against it just didn't really see a huge reason for it. It seems more important now.

Her friends and little brother were incredible, they took me to all the places we went together when i visited last year, just a bunch of cafes and country trails, and told me stories of amy in her younger years. I think i am going to go back in spring and and stay with her parents for a while, they were taking it really really badly and i was going to stay longer but i didn't have sick leave or money or anything so i told them i'd go back in spring.

Her death certificate said she died of arterial atherosclerosis which is basically hardening of the arteries. Normally that leads to something else like a heart attack but this time it was it was just the atherosclerosis itself. I still don't understand why they didn't diagnose it when she went in with chest pains a few days before and it makes me really fucking angry. i don't know if that's just because i need to be angry at something or if it's actually legitimate, i am still too upset to look it up in depth on the net to see how easy it is to detect and learn more about it.

this is only really relevant to s*nisiter people but i plan on putting up a website with photo's of her, mostly from her time with me, for her friends and family. If anyone wants to see just email me and i'll send you the website address when i've finished.

It feels too odd using my ilx name since she never knew me by it. Thanks again for your kind words and support.

― d@nny (johnson), Wednesday, 9 November 2005 14:14 (nineteen years ago)

Jeffrey, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. You are coping admirably. I hope that things seem more manageable soon. Hang in there.

― Kv_nol (Kv_nol), Wednesday, 9 November 2005 14:26 (nineteen years ago)

shit, i just found out about this last night. she was a good friend a while back but we had lost touch from internet driftings. wonderful girl. great poet. (of words of life of everything)

i'm so sorry.
m.

― msp (mspa), Monday, 14 November 2005 15:06 (nineteen years ago)

: (

thinking good thoughts for you

― cozen (Cozen), Monday, 14 November 2005 15:15 (nineteen years ago)

what a terrible thing to happen, I hope you can cope to the best of your ability danny, seems so unfair.

Ronan.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 14 November 2005 15:20 (nineteen years ago)

danny, I've just been writing a little about amy and reading back over old emails. Having things you've said perpetually frozen on the internet can often seem so strange but it's a comfort in a way when people are otherwise gone forever. Not much I suppose but something. I'm glad I have some of the poems and thoughts of Amy, and Liz, to look at. I hope you are finding your way through this. Take it one day at a time.

Anyway, I'm thinking of you.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 14 November 2005 15:29 (nineteen years ago)

like kv_nol says, you're dealing with this admirably. i don't know what else to say ... i just want you to know that a fellow ILX0r you've never met is thinking of you at this time.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Monday, 14 November 2005 15:30 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

I thought about Amy today while listening to a Stereolab tape of b-sides she sent me back in the 1990s. People who never had the fortune of having her in their lives are missing something, even if they're not aware of it.

I miss you, dots.

― Johnny Fever, Monday, 3 September 2007 07:04 (seventeen years ago)

:-( How hard it must be to go through life with such a loss.

― nathalie, Monday, 3 September 2007 08:25 (seventeen years ago)

yes.

― Surmounter, Monday, 3 September 2007 08:47 (seventeen years ago)

I often think of her when listening to the Velvet Underground.

― The Real Dirty Vicar, Monday, 3 September 2007 08:52 (seventeen years ago)

I think of her when listening to "Nothing Matters when you're Dancing" by the Magnetic Fields.

― Mark C, Monday, 3 September 2007 09:27 (seventeen years ago)

Like I said the first time, I simply don't know what to say, as I don't know how it feels and also because I realize that my words are so trivial and meaningless. :-(

― nathalie, Monday, 3 September 2007 09:32 (seventeen years ago)

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