Vincent Gallo to jerk off, sell sperm [but not to darkies]

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http://www.vgmerchandise.com/misc.html

This dude sucks.

― Alex in Novosibirsk (ex machina), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:36 (nineteen years ago)

Vincent Gallo is "edgy."

― elmo (allocryptic), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:45 (nineteen years ago)

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.

― Last Of The Famous International Pfunkboys (Kerr), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:47 (nineteen years ago)

at the age of 43

dream on

― s1ocki (slutsky), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:48 (nineteen years ago)

Satisfied customers:

http://wizbangblog.com/images/2005/bushgirls_and_gallo.jpg

― walter kranz (walterkranz), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:49 (nineteen years ago)

*Tempted to post photo of coworker in "I fscked Vincent Gall0" shirt...*

― Alex in Novosibirsk (ex machina), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:52 (nineteen years ago)

walter kranz's broken image seems very apropos.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:58 (nineteen years ago)

There's such a shirt? I was at the Erewhon market in LA and somebody (Gallo obv) had carved that into one of the tables outside.
xpost

― walter kranz (walterkranz), Thursday, 3 November 2005 01:58 (nineteen years ago)

I feel bad for all the dark-complected ladies who were dying to have his babies.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:12 (nineteen years ago)

i'd put up a picture of pr833ian bloooo3 as mr. gallo's ideal match, but i don't want any white power morons to show up.

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:19 (nineteen years ago)

OMG hahahahaha. Will he also waive an insanity fee?

If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself.

---

To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

― salexander / sofia (salexander), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:28 (nineteen years ago)

"disease-free", shyeah

― jones (actual), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:31 (nineteen years ago)

"the purchase of Mr. Gallo's sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo?" Last I checked, you can name your kid anything you want. My kids are all grown up, but I think I'll change their names to Gallo Gallo 1 and 2 anyway.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Thursday, 3 November 2005 02:51 (nineteen years ago)

"disease-free", shyeah

I'm not sure that being an intolerable shit-stirring douchebag masquerading as an artist is technically considered a disease.

― Austin Still (Austin, Still), Thursday, 3 November 2005 05:00 (nineteen years ago)

ilx in reading-too-much-into-an-idiot's-bad-joke shocker

― discus (dr g), Thursday, 3 November 2005 05:01 (nineteen years ago)

I think the "reading in" has been very modestly scaled. We have read into this bad joke that the guy is an asshole and an attention whore. What part of that do you think is too much?

― Austin Still (Austin, Still), Thursday, 3 November 2005 05:08 (nineteen years ago)

any acknowledgement

― discus (dr g), Thursday, 3 November 2005 05:12 (nineteen years ago)

what did you guys think of Buffalo 66?

― deej.. (deej..), Thursday, 3 November 2005 07:12 (nineteen years ago)

i liked Buffalo 66

Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount.

Gallo is a cock tho.

― foxy boxer (stevie), Thursday, 3 November 2005 08:49 (nineteen years ago)

what a tool.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:31 (nineteen years ago)

That's hilarious.

― duke of marlboro (mickeygraft), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:42 (nineteen years ago)

Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free.

But apparently not ego-free. That said, I rrrreally loved Buffalo 66. I haven't seen the cocksucking BrownBunny film or whatever it was called.

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Thursday, 3 November 2005 09:59 (nineteen years ago)

I think the text was actually rather funny, and instead of being racist it seemed to be satirizing racism (the lines about German soldiers and Jews should've made that clear). If this would've be written by some progressive comedian it would've received quite different comments, I think.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 3 November 2005 10:07 (nineteen years ago)

ok, next time you "call out" a noise dude i know what i'll be copy+pasting.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Thursday, 3 November 2005 10:10 (nineteen years ago)

Tuomas, I don't think Vincent Gallo is being tongue in cheek here, he's most probably utterly serious. Isn't he a Republican? Yes, I know that doesn't mean anything.

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Thursday, 3 November 2005 10:13 (nineteen years ago)

gallo is as funny as getting one's nuts run over by a car, and i'm speaking as a fan of his records

― john p. irrelevant (electricsound), Thursday, 3 November 2005 10:16 (nineteen years ago)

Enrique, the difference is that linked text at least tries to do a thought-out satirical whole, whereas the noise dude idea of transgression is just writing offensive words in caps. I find it hard to believe it wouldn't have been written tongue-in-cheek, I mean it's both too stereotypical and too weird be for real. I don't know much about this Gallo dude, though, except for that Buffalo film.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 3 November 2005 13:49 (nineteen years ago)

Well, time to read some interviews. You'll soon discover he's a complete twat.

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Thursday, 3 November 2005 13:50 (nineteen years ago)

I haven't seen Brown Bunny, but I heard that was a stunt cock.

― J (Jay), Thursday, 3 November 2005 14:45 (nineteen years ago)

'stunted'

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Thursday, 3 November 2005 14:46 (nineteen years ago)

Tuomas, I know that arguing a bizarre point from a tenuous, unknowledgeable position is kind of your schtick these days but seriously, you've got to start picking your battles a little better.

― Dan (You Can't Be Serious) Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 3 November 2005 14:54 (nineteen years ago)

I can't see how arguing that the Gallo text is meant to be satirical - even if he is a republican - is "a bizarre point".

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 3 November 2005 14:58 (nineteen years ago)

Okay, never mind; schtick away!

― Dan (Hahahahahahahahaha) Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:01 (nineteen years ago)

well, when noise dudes do their thing, you want them banned and refuse to believe there's any humour in their schtick; when gallo, who is a known right-winger and dickcheese, says all sorts of racist, nazi shit far worse than anything on the noise board, you reckon it's satire.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:01 (nineteen years ago)

Tuomas, you can't picture some people being complete assholes?!? I mean, for fuck's sake, next you'll tell me you think Hitler was just being a funny haha man.

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:03 (nineteen years ago)

Is it not possible that Tuomas has just not come across Gallo's schtick before?

I suspect the text is more a case of garden-variety US conservative "liberal baiting".

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:06 (nineteen years ago)

It could very well be, but he can't picture it being a serious statement. Even if he's unaware of Gallo's thoughts and actions (in interviews,...), why can't he see that it could be a serious statement?

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:10 (nineteen years ago)

No, I believe noise dude are trying to be humorous, I just think their posts are less amusing than the Gallo article, whether it's for real or not. Also, while I think the noise dude way of using controversial language in a supposedly transgressive way gets very boring after a while, that's not my main argument against them, it was the personal attacks against other posters that made me mad. Also, I don't think I've ever asked for a single poster to be banned, I don't know where this idea of me wanting to ban the noise dudes comes from. What I wanted to get rid of was the anonymous offensive posts.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:10 (nineteen years ago)

Nathalie, I find it hard to imagine any real racist/antisemite writing this bit with a straight face:

In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:12 (nineteen years ago)

No, I believe noise dude are trying to be humorous, I just think their posts are less amusing than the Gallo article, whether it's for real or not.

ok, for reference then, unironic nazism is more amusing than people spelling shit badly in big caps.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:13 (nineteen years ago)

Nazism isn't amusing, but a Nazi selling his sperm with ridiculous qualifications can be.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:16 (nineteen years ago)

Tuomas, I know, but you're thinking from your own point of view, not Gallo's. You should really read some of his interviews.

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:17 (nineteen years ago)

ihttp://www.brianwhittaker.com/Kili-update/groupB/Brian-digging-v800.JPG

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:22 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.yle.fi/multifoorumi/kuvat/ah/020225_01_1040802A.jpg

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:23 (nineteen years ago)

I suspect the text is more a case of garden-variety US conservative "liberal baiting".

This is correct.

― giboyeux (skowly), Thursday, 3 November 2005 15:28 (nineteen years ago)

otm. this is spectacularly unfunny but if Access Hollywood gave him a regular slot for his psycho gossip columnist schtick i would watch that shit religiously.

― jones (actual), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:10 (nineteen years ago)

If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy. (8 inches if he's like his father.) I don't know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can't hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:15 (nineteen years ago)

Tuomas, I think a lot of people take issue with how you conflate "noise dudes" with the anonymous trolls.

― Alex in Novosibirsk (ex machina), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:18 (nineteen years ago)

Who would even want Vince Gallo's children, is the real question here, Nazis or no. I mean, look at him. Just look at him.

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:33 (nineteen years ago)

This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.

It's hard to take this as purely tongue-in-cheek coming from a guy who's clearly extremely bitter about the negative critical response to his films.

― Hurting (Hurting), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:41 (nineteen years ago)

Who would even want Vince Gallo's children, is the real question here, Nazis or no. I mean, look at him. Just look at him.

Yeah he is a bit of a state isn't he! Haha! That line from his b.s. ad which is basically "send me a photo and I'll fuck you for free if yr hot", as if he's hot like cary grant or something!

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:43 (nineteen years ago)

I know! I mean he's absolutely hideous, who exactly does he think he is that anyone--dark or light skinned--wants to pay to have sex with him? God, imagine having a child and it comes out with THAT face. Jesus.

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:44 (nineteen years ago)

He's got you all talking about it: mission accomplished.

― shookout (shookout), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:49 (nineteen years ago)

oh that old argument

― gear (gear), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:51 (nineteen years ago)

Shookout I'll have probably forgotten about this by tomorrow!

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Thursday, 3 November 2005 16:54 (nineteen years ago)

It's like we're all Chloe Savigny now.

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Thursday, 3 November 2005 17:02 (nineteen years ago)

The only reason I read this thread was because someone told me to roffle @ Tuomas!!

― Allyzay must fight Zolton herself. (allyzay), Thursday, 3 November 2005 17:10 (nineteen years ago)

tuomas, when has any noise board poster needed to be anonymous to make fun of you?

― cutty (mcutt), Thursday, 3 November 2005 17:11 (nineteen years ago)

cutty is actually vincent gallo

― discus (dr g), Thursday, 3 November 2005 17:48 (nineteen years ago)

Wait, are you saying that it's NOT a stunt cock?

― J (Jay), Thursday, 3 November 2005 18:06 (nineteen years ago)

This is hilarious: http://www.vgmerchandise.com/art.html

http://www.vgmerchandise.com/img/product/13-lrg.jpg

I can't decide if I think Gallo's entire life is a satire, or if he is actually certifiable.

― recovering optimist (Royal Bed Bouncer), Thursday, 3 November 2005 18:57 (nineteen years ago)

What makes it even funnier is that it costs 650 dollars!

― melton mowbray (adr), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:08 (nineteen years ago)

But then, I suppose that's nothing compared to one and a half million for a shag.

― melton mowbray (adr), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:09 (nineteen years ago)

Can anyone think of a way to make a Geir Honrgro joke here? I'm desperate.

― giboyeux (skowly), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:14 (nineteen years ago)

Vincent Gallo was an editor in the rock mag Vice Dad.

― älänbänänä (alanbanana), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:19 (nineteen years ago)

"HERRO!!!!"

― Alex in Novosibirsk (ex machina), Thursday, 3 November 2005 19:19 (nineteen years ago)

Tuomas, I think a lot of people take issue with how you conflate "noise dudes" with the anonymous trolls.

I think you misinterpreted my point. I was answering to Enrique's accusation that I want to ban the noise dudes... What I said is that I've never asked for any named poster to be banned, including the noise dudes. The ones who I wanted to get rid of was the anonymous bullshit-talking trolls. Obviously I have little idea who they are. (However, didn't you yourself admit to doing this?)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 4 November 2005 09:39 (nineteen years ago)

well, for the 115th time you said ilx shd become a reg-only board, at which point a number of noise or para-noise dudes said, they'd rather bolt than go in for that, so you were kind of arguing for the exclusion of noise in favour of a 'nice, quiet beach community'.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Friday, 4 November 2005 09:50 (nineteen years ago)

Er, since the Noise board is already registered-only, why would they bolt rather than accept the same for ILE? The ones who threatened to leave were Anthony and Trife, not to my knowledge noise dudes.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 4 November 2005 10:43 (nineteen years ago)

But I don't wish to continue the debate about registration, it has been buried for the time being.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 4 November 2005 10:46 (nineteen years ago)

Man, that coat is fantastic. I'd pay a fiver for it.

I never used to like VG but I'm coming round to him:

Bottom hem reads "Vincent Gallo on the campaign trail fighting for the good of everyone." Front reads "USA".

Previously owned by Vincent Gallo, has some signs of wear.

Is he a friend of Momus?

― Steve.n. (sjkirk), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:22 (nineteen years ago)

figuratively, yes.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:23 (nineteen years ago)

He's a big participant in the Friends of Momus program, which provides activity partners and positive role models for underprivelaged Momuses across the globe.

― latebloomer (latebloomer), Friday, 4 November 2005 16:45 (nineteen years ago)

i'm sorry, but Gallo is not 5'11

― a vapšee pohhui (helterskelter), Saturday, 5 November 2005 16:50 (nineteen years ago)

I don't think he's 43 either.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Saturday, 5 November 2005 17:34 (nineteen years ago)

But according to IMDB he is so what do you know.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Saturday, 5 November 2005 17:36 (nineteen years ago)

imdb says i've been dead for nigh on 55 years

― john p. irrelevant (electricsound), Monday, 7 November 2005 00:20 (nineteen years ago)

Well, you do look a bit pale.

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Monday, 7 November 2005 00:28 (nineteen years ago)

Which makes you a perfect candidate for Gallo's spunk.

― Wolfcastleee (Leee), Monday, 7 November 2005 00:55 (nineteen years ago)

three months pass...

from http://www.contactmusic.com/new/xmlfeed.nsf/mndwebpages/ebay%20offers%20a%20night%20with%20vincent%20gallo_07_02_2006

EBAY OFFERS A NIGHT WITH VINCENT GALLO

Internet auction site eBay is offering one of its strangest celebrity sales ever - a night with actor/director VINCENT GALLO for $50,000 (GBP27,800).

The posting, which will remain on the site for another six days, is purported to have been made by Gallo himself, and includes a picture of him wearing a sailor's uniform while cupping his manhood through his trousers, alongside detailed instructions for potential clients.

The seller, claiming to be the 43-year-old BROWN BUNNY film-maker, writes, "Have you ever watched a movie and fallen in love with one of the actors? When I was very young I was madly in love with TUESDAY WELD and CHARLOTTE RAMPLING. I wished and wished and wished everyday that I could meet all these girls. So believe me, I know and understand what it's like to wish and dream about spending time with a movie star. Doing things that couples do. Couples in love.

"I, Vincent Gallo, star of such classics as BUFFALO 66 and The Brown Bunny have decided to make myself available to all women.

"For the modest fee of $50,000 plus expenses, I can fulfil the wish, dream, or fantasy of any naturally born female. Heavy set, older, red heads and even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill. No real female will be refused.

"However, I highly frown upon any male having even the slightest momentary thought or wish that they could ever become my client. However, female couples of the lesbian persuasion can enjoy a Vincent Gallo evening together for $100,000. $200,000 buys the lesbos a weekend."

'Gallo' adds, "Scanning for STD's is required as is bathing and grooming prior to our encounter. Detailed photos of potential clients also required prior."

He also warns clients about the size of Gallo's manhood - which he showed off in a sex scene with real-life ex-girlfriend CHLOE SEVIGNY in Brown Bunny, writing, "Potential clients are advised to screen the controversial scene from The Brown Bunny to be sure for themselves that they can fully accommodate all of me. Clients who have doubt may want to test themselves with an unusually thick and large prosthetic prior to meeting me."

Last year (05), Gallo caused controversy when he allegedly offered to sell his sperm to women for $1 million (GBP550,000).

No representative for the actor has been available for comment.

― mark p (Mark P), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:15 (nineteen years ago)

still my hero

― vahid (vahid), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:19 (nineteen years ago)

how long before he's in a Muppet movie?

― kingfish has gene rayburn's mic (kingfish 2.0), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:21 (nineteen years ago)

I call bullshit.

― Dan (I Leave A Message) Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:22 (nineteen years ago)

Is this dude's film career in the decline, or why does he crave for attention so desperately?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:24 (nineteen years ago)

Actor is a whore, yeah that's a surprise.

― Miss Misery xox (MissMiseryTX), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:27 (nineteen years ago)

this guy's a real card... like TOMBOT!

― ath (ath), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:31 (nineteen years ago)

TOMBOT's more expensive, though.

― My Psychic Friends Are Strangely Silent (Ex Leon), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:32 (nineteen years ago)

When was his film career in the incline? He's directed two movies and both have their fans and detractors. He never seemed like he was interested in acting in other peoples' movies, so I'm pretty sure he's right where he wants to be.

― polyphonic (polyphonic), Thursday, 9 February 2006 19:33 (nineteen years ago)

what does claire denis think of all this?

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:36 (nineteen years ago)

I chuckled.

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:40 (nineteen years ago)

OK Vincent Gallo

― Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyzay), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:42 (nineteen years ago)

TUESDAY WELD and CHARLOTTE RAMPLING

I can't get this out of my head.

― phil d. (Phil D.), Thursday, 9 February 2006 22:59 (nineteen years ago)

"Last year (05), Gallo caused controversy when he allegedly offered to sell his sperm to women for $1 million (GBP550,000)."

Uh what "controversy"? Does people noticing and shaking their heads at this dork's idiocy = controversy now? vAlso has anyone ever been prouder of less than Vincent Gallo is of his johnson (or at least whomever's dick was used in Brown Bunny)? The guy is not the second coming of Dick Rambone.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Thursday, 9 February 2006 23:48 (nineteen years ago)

I look at his career as an extended performance art piece - I'm always kinda fascinated by people who go out of their way to develop a public persona that is totally loathsome but that is also difficult to distinguish from the "real" person behind it (Woody Allen, Larry David, many others)

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 9 February 2006 23:51 (nineteen years ago)

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