I had this life I lived...

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...and now I hate it, I HATE it so goddamned much! Why can't I just enjoy the person I used to be, the tastes I used to have? (Oh fuck, now I'm crying...)

I can't sleep - I can't listen to any of my music because it's all associated with my time with her. It's been nearly five months since we broke up, but like a fucking boomerang, this just snuck up behind me when I thought I was alright, and hit me like a ton of bricks in the back of my head. Everything reminds me of her.

I get on fine when I have things to do, but whenever I have a prolonged period of many days with nothing to do, it's just me and the echo chamber...the last time was about a month after we broke up - I literally hadn't had any days off from jobs (I'm a freelancer) between when we broke up and then, so it was my first real time to let everything sink in deep. We hadn't been living in the same city for some time, so my day to day life was more or less the same all the way through.

I thought I had made my peace with all this and come to terms. I've even got a new girl now and I just know that I'm tiptoeing because I feel like everything's just destined to turn into shit sooner or later. I'm even getting repulsed by the idea of sex in general.

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

I just want this all to stop so that I can move on - how can I do that, right here this second, right now? I know that the answer is TIME, but what can I do right here today? How can I go on with my life right now so that I can eventually let time do its work?

Thanks for listening.

― Not Logged In, Friday, 4 November 2005 07:50 (twenty years ago)

I went through a period like this. Basically wasted all of 1993 and bits of 1994 feeling the same way. I have no advice other than to keep busy. It sounds negative, but maybe try concentrating on why you broke up (there must've been a good reason). Realilze that holding on (which is what you're doing) is preventing your own life from progressing. You need to put it behind you and move forward. I cringe when I think of the time and opportunities I wasted feeling bad about situation I'd been in. It will get better -- and when it does, don't be sentimental -- don't miss the pain you're feeling now. Forget it. Move on. She probably has. You need to too!

Good luck.

― Alex in NYC (vassifer), Friday, 4 November 2005 07:56 (twenty years ago)

I hope you're right. Thanks for answering.

Nothing to think about as far as the relationship going sour - it became long distance and ultimately we both had to choose careers or love. I don't regret the choice. Doesn't make it any less painful, though.

― Not Logged In, Friday, 4 November 2005 08:11 (twenty years ago)

I feel like everything's just destined to turn into shit sooner or later.

This could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Who says it'll turn shit sooner or later? You can't predict the future. Unless you act a certain way (and mess up the relation). It might, but it also might not. I think Alex is spot on when he says you have to focus on why you broke up. This way you know that the break-up was the best solution to the situation.

Also, I don't really see anything wrong with having a good cry. Of course not for a prolonged period but escaping pain is not always the best solution. I think you have to go through that to come out at the other end.

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Friday, 4 November 2005 08:26 (twenty years ago)

WHAT ABOUT PEOPLE WHO NEVER EVER HAD A DATE OR RELATIONSHIP HUH PAL

THEY HAVE A REASON TO WHINE

YOU DONT

STOP WHINING!!!

― ESTEBAN BUTTEZ~!!, Friday, 4 November 2005 12:00 (twenty years ago)

don't worry Esteban, your time will come one day!

― Sociah T Azzahole (blueski), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:02 (twenty years ago)

I think you may need to spend some time on your own & end things with the new girl.

― Panther Pink (Pinkpanther), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:02 (twenty years ago)

don't worry Esteban, your time will come one day!

what

i dont think you understand

― ESTEBAN BUTTEZ~!!, Friday, 4 November 2005 12:04 (twenty years ago)

Shit, did I get drunk and post this or something? Same timescales, same situations... blimey. Although I wouldn't choose to end things with the new girl. Being in another relationship is not necessarily a bad idea, as long as new girl is both aware and okay with how you feel--in fact, I've found it a great help to have someone there who cares about you.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:11 (twenty years ago)

tissp, wasn't it you who had had a strop out and then got ile to persuade you to call the girl, and it all ended well, though?

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:14 (twenty years ago)

OK, I've trying to stay off this thread because I thought it would make me cross.

It seems to me, in *my* experience that men (maybe women, too, but more often it's men) use one relationship to get over/as an emotional substitute for a previous relationship. They never seem to leave or allow enough time between relationships to get over the first before starting the second.

And that just seems to be like a bad idea, for both people involved. It seems highly unfair to girl number two, like she's just being used as an emotional prop, someone to be there for the bloke, rather than a person/relationship in her own right.

This is probably my own bitterness speaking. But I still don't think it's a good idea.

― Streatham's Paisley Princess (kate), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:16 (twenty years ago)

I mean, I'm sorry that that sounded so negative. But with regards to a breakup, I will always give the same advice to a person, regardless of gender. Sort out your own life, work through your grief and your own emotions, by all means, rely on your friends - but DO NOT drag another person into your emotional mess until you have enough distance from it to not act like a cnut to your next partner.

― Streatham's Paisley Princess (kate), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:20 (twenty years ago)

this is known as the rebound relationship, not only is it completely unfair the the other person but it does more damage than good.

maybe women

women are the worst for this...

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:26 (twenty years ago)

Not within my circle of friends and relations.

― Streatham's Paisley Princess (kate), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:27 (twenty years ago)

Whatever, your experience may vary. I pointed out that it was within my experience, so please don't generalise as both genders are equally capable of mistreating each other.

― Streatham's Paisley Princess (kate), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:28 (twenty years ago)

i agree. it's just you said "but more often it's men".

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:37 (twenty years ago)

But back on subject: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?

Nothing, you're human and healing.

― Nathalie, the Queen of Frock 'n' Fall (stevie nixed), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:40 (twenty years ago)

If you would read the whole quote, you'd find it says in *my* experience that men (maybe women, too, but more often it's men).

Anyway, I'm not continuing this debate as it makes me angry, and it's Friday afternoon and sunny.

― Streatham's Paisley Princess (kate), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:41 (twenty years ago)

alex is otm....this happened to me years ago. basically i kept a journal about the whole breakup and it helped me immensely.

― bingo (Chris V), Friday, 4 November 2005 12:44 (twenty years ago)

tissp, wasn't it you who had had a strop out and then got ile to persuade you to call the girl, and it all ended well, though?

Yes. ILX in genuinely helping a brother out shockah!

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Friday, 4 November 2005 14:07 (twenty years ago)

but now you're going off her anyway? all those precious advice posts lost, like tears in the rain...

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Friday, 4 November 2005 14:08 (twenty years ago)

Oh no, that's the original poster. I'm not going off her at all.

― tissp! (the impossible shortest specia), Friday, 4 November 2005 14:12 (twenty years ago)

oops, sorry i only ever read the first line of other people's posts --ie "Shit, did I get drunk and post this or something? Same timescales, same situations... blimey."

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Friday, 4 November 2005 14:13 (twenty years ago)

which is why cozen is my fave poster, obv.

― Theorry Henry (Enrique), Friday, 4 November 2005 14:14 (twenty years ago)

Sort out your own life, work through your grief and your own emotions, by all means, rely on your friends - but DO NOT drag another person into your emotional mess until you have enough distance from it to not act like a cnut to your next partner.
I hate this bit of textbook advice—you MUST spend time on your own blah blah blah. I'm in the 16th year of a fantastic marriage that I initially used as a CROWBAR to pry myself away from a troubled one. So there!!!
Beware of hard-and-fast rules!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Friday, 4 November 2005 14:14 (twenty years ago)

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG is that you are grieving. Grieving is not a rational process. Keep trying things. It helps if the things you try do not destroy your health. You may want it later on when you've stopped feeling so sad. Meanwhile, there aren't really any good ways to get around your emotions; the only foolproof way is to go right on through them.

― Aimless (Aimless), Friday, 4 November 2005 17:45 (twenty years ago)

For some reason, I thought this was going to be a static electricity thread, despite the capitalization.

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 4 November 2005 17:56 (twenty years ago)

it was a nice life.

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 4 November 2005 17:56 (twenty years ago)

i couldn't complain too much.

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 4 November 2005 17:56 (twenty years ago)

then i broke up with this girl.

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 4 November 2005 17:56 (twenty years ago)

And then...

― KSTFUNS (Ex Leon), Friday, 4 November 2005 18:00 (twenty years ago)

I don't know, I haven't really read the rest of this yet.

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 4 November 2005 18:01 (twenty years ago)

I thought you going to keep up the storytelling tradition, I'm disappointed now.

― KSTFUNS (Ex Leon), Friday, 4 November 2005 18:04 (twenty years ago)

I'm glad Beth said what I wanted to say. It may be that this new girl is just the person you need, what you need to do is talk to her, explain how you feel about your previous girlfriend - if she is willing to stick with you, then that's evidence that she is someone pretty good for you. If she feels all put upon, like a nurse mopping your tears and putting sticking plasters on your heart, she'll go away of her own accord soon enough. And she won't have been the perfect one for you anyway.

Like Beth, I am now married to someone who stuck by me after a trainwreck of a relationship, nursed me through some horrible times and generally stuck by me. He didn't feel put upon, he *wanted* to do it because he cared. I'd hate to think I'd have lost him because some voice in my head was saying "no you can't do this yet, you have to get over the last one ON YOUR OWN".

― ailsa (ailsa), Friday, 4 November 2005 18:35 (twenty years ago)

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