On disowning my father

It sounds as though you're better off cutting off all ties with him. Simply do not acknowledge him in any way.

Unfortunately I won't be moving anytime soon. That would be the cleanest, easiest way to lose him.

Sometimes I think of him and cry. He looks so old but he's healthy and his mind is sharp.

I worry that I'd be just as bad as him if I dumped him.

That said, if he's a total asshole - and it sounds like he is - you don't need to put yourself through that. If you feel better with him totally out of the picture, cut him out. It might help to write down the reasons you made that decision and keep them in a drawer someplace. Then when you ask yourself later if it was the right decision, you can remind yourself why..

You don't want to write a response or explanation that will open up a dialogue, is the crucial thing. Because that just prolongs it.

I don't know; I tend towards the "treat others the way they treated you" - did he offer an explanation when he ran out on you and your mother? If he didn't, then why does he even *deserve* one? Perhaps you may want to treat him better than he treated you. I don't know.

Perhaps you could use his treatment of your parter as a final straw, and give him some ultimatum that you know he cannot meet? "Acknowledge my partner or you lose me!" then that puts the ball in his camp. I don't know; perhaps that's emotional blackmail but it seems like he's guilty of that kind of thing himself.

Sorry none of this is very helpful.

Absolutely not.

seriously. they are more trouble than they're worth. so he's your biological father: it's no big deal. he wasn't a father in any other way, and you don't need him in your life. cut him out, don't give him another thought, and don't, for the love of all that is decent in the world, assume that just because someone is related to you, they matter any more or any less than anyone else.

you've satisfied your curiosity. if you don't want him to mean anything to you, that's a positive and informed decision. you are your own person. let go, move on.

my grandfather died a few weeks back. he was in his nineties; he was also a fucking cunt, and my only emotion now is anger at the way his death has managed to cause yet more internecine feuds.

some people are just bastards. the fact they're related to you doesn't change that a jot.

http://andthistoo.blogspot.com/2005/10/when-last-we-met.html

on a very similar topic, the disowning of parents and family. Doesn't solve anything, but at least you know you're not alone.

Don't subject yourself to those feelings. You're worth more than that, and your father so plainly is not. He's so obviously making you very unhappy - just cut him out. Block his e-mails. If he sends you a letter and you're able to recognise his handwriting, destroy it without opening it or simply mark it "return to sender" and put it straight back in the postbox.

Some people are just not worth it, and the best thing to do is to move on.

I need to get out of this now. The worry and lack of sleep and guilt are beginning to take it out of me. My mum has never heard me cry so hard as when I called her asking "Why does he do it if he says he loves me? Why did he reply to that original letter?"

It's time to get back to just her and I. She deserves it.

I have no doubt what I would do, and I think that's what you should do - end all contact immediately. Delete all e-mails unread or change your e-mail address. End it.

This kind of approach of cutting off the worst parts to make life more perfect only leads to lots of cutting and less perfection.

Don't "treat others the way they treated you," but "treat others the way they would like to be treated" (the golden rule)

I know this must be hard emotionally for you and I would like to just go along and encourage you to end contact quickly and be over with it if it were that easy, but I think you would still be left feeling bad. Either way you will feel bad. So try not to think about your feelings as much. Think about someone elses, like your fathers.
(pulled no punches)

ken c i kiss you, on the ass even

i would like to be treated like a king, so hand over all your money. and your house.

jesus wept.

Nairn's job is to bring the Christian perspective

and by "Christian perspective" I do mean the "totally immune to reason" perspective

“Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I have not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to set a man against his father, and a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law. And a person's enemies will be those of his own household."

x-post

Apart from that, I don't agree with him, in this situation I would cut the dad off, definitely.

I've done it before myself, when I was 21. I didn't speak to my father for 3 years, until he phoned me when I was 24. We get on a lot better these days though, since my sister had a kid he started taking more of an interest in us.

he's got this book called To Serve Man and he keeps talking about how things are gonna be totally awesome on earth here after awhile

Well, yes, it would be nice if Nairn could leave his/her religion at the door and show a little sensitivity to the original poster. It might be an idea if he/she actually read what the original poster has said on this thread - tho, understanding is obviously too much to hope for.

I disagree with his evaluation of the situation, but the poster asked for opinions, and that is his. I think it's far more disrespectful to start turning it all into a joke and making insulting "funny" comments.

So try not to think about your feelings as much. Think about someone elses, like your fathers.

I really must try to be more respectful in future

I'll turn the other cheek (the first one's about done)

If the orignal poster has some compassion and feeling for her father she will be hurt by cutting off contact. She needs to consider this.

I think colonel poo's post is reassuring. She could cut off contact now and in the future return to have a better relationship.

I've done it before myself, when I was 21. I didn't speak to my father for 3 years, until he phoned me when I was 24. We get on a lot better these days though, since my sister had a kid he started taking more of an interest in us.

I am not, as suggested above wanting to cut ties in order to 'punish' my father, just to restore peace and normality to my own life.

Every email he sends sets me on edge. I scan it immediately for underhand comments and 'woe is me' type rants. He is bringing his age into our correspondence much more, with veiled hints of what I might get in his will providing I give him the attention he wants.

I'm not interested in his will. (I'm sure my siblings think I am due to the age at which I contacted him) I WAS interested in starting afresh with the man with no reference to the past - it is not I who brought his past misdemeanors into our relationship but him and he is unwilling to let those things go and pursue a father/child relationship with me.

Oh, and Nairn - my father is a deeply religious man. One of his brothers is a minister and one of them is a canon no less.

My father CLAIMS to hold Christian ideals.

1) write a short, non attacking letter, saying you no longer feel like being in contact, and then tell him don't even try further contact, at all, and describe what steps you will take if he does up to and including reporting him to the police.

2) do not read any email or letter he sends. Have his emails blocked if possible and his letters returned.

3) if he tries to call on the phone or visit report it to the police.

4) don't bother about it again, it's perfectly reasonable.

I'll no look for fathers day cards that don't lie

I've been doing this for years! I bought my first Father's Day card at 24 years old knowing it would never be displayed with the others.

But I will say – you can’t choose your family, you get landed with them, we all do, all our families cause us pain as well as happiness. Obviously some to a much greater extent than others, but we don’t all disown them, we fall out, we drift apart, we cut off contact for a while – but the fact remains, he’s is your biological father and that’s a tie you cant cut (and yeah, I know he tried it and he's a c-nut). Apart from anything else, it’ll always be in your head while he’s still around, he’ll still be out there somewhere, so you’ll never be truly free of him.

And before you all jump on me, I’m just trying to put the other side across without taking the old b4st4rds side – I think the anon poster needs to hear both sides.

why? because society says so? bollocks. biology counts for jack shit. i mean ... take it back a few generations and we're all one big unhappy family.

I have five biological sisters. All I knew of them were their names - I didn't want to know anything else. I feel nothing for them. The two I met were pretty much forced upon me. I didn't scan their faces for traces of my own features.

I don't want to meet the other three either.

Nurture, not nature, but that's a different debate altogether.

a wanker, then. yes.

Also this is the biggest load of martyred bullshit I've read in a long time.

She sounded relieved. "Good for you," she told me.

Sure I may think of him, I may miss the times when we could talk and laugh together. I'll miss noticing my features in somebody else, and I'll always have pride in that side of my family, my aunts and uncles, some of whom have made huge differences in the countries they live in.

I've discovered where my stubborn streak comes from, my recklessness, my desire to travel, my bookishness.

I feel complete, and now know that my life did not lack anything for want of a father. I suspect that my life is all the better for being brought up by my mothers values alone and not touched by the cynicism and manipulation of my father.

I like to think I made this decision myself, but I thank you all for confirming that I am not a bad person in coming to he conclusion that I'll be better off without this man in my life.

Then yesterday - a Christmas card. 'To A Wonderful Daughter'.

Addressed to the pair of us.

I don't know what to do. I may send a small card in return, but certainly not a gushing personal one.

The guilt has resurfaced tenfold.

Guilt will pass, I'd say that if you could just put it out of your mind and get on with your normal christmas plans. He will anyway so why should you change to pander to his selfishness?