boredom or failure (or another installment in jess's employment downward spiral #43567812349)?

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

so i've decided for my sanity that i need to leave my current job and find another, less intensive one for the last few months i'm in pa. it's something i probably should have done months ago. i've been slacking off something awful, out of terminal...it's not boredom (well, it is boredom of course, i'd much rather be writing or twiddling my thumbs for that matter)...but lack of focus. i dont -care- about this job, it's mind-numbing soul-draining bueracracy incarnate. which would be fine if i wasn't responsible for producing 1/4th of the store's profits. i dropped the ball, i let things get away from me, i reliquinished control for that *one* minute (well, one month-long minute) and it was already too late. the work i had done to recussitate the dead heart of a dying retail environment was reversed, and now the store seems even more in a shambles than when i got there. even if i stayed i'd basically be dodging a bullet until i was sacked for poor (or no) returns (financially.) now, there are other factors: a 25% drop in customer count, a lack of marketing/advertising, the store looks like ass, it's in a holding pattern until it's swallowed up by barnes or follett. but i can't help feeling like i failed as a growed up. nancy keeps telling me that the job was "beneath" me, but i can't shake that she's wrong. that i just wasn't responsible enough to hack the work involved. that i couldn't just buck up and bust ass.

― jess, Monday, 7 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

cue dave q to offer some pithy wisdom on why i was throwing my life away in managment anyway...

― jess, Monday, 7 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

gee jess i nevah bucked up and busted ass in my life: focus on what you want to do, not wasting energy beating yourself up for not enjoying what you just don't enjoy

...among his dependents he listed the entire independent retail sector...

― mark s, Monday, 7 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

it's not just enjoying it...it's a nagging feeling that i flubbed up because i just couldn't do it...i wasn't smart enough...whatever. fuck, it's all whining @ heart i know. i should just take up bonsai like i planned. my hands are probably too big tho...

― jess, Monday, 7 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

no they only look that way when you compare them with your tiny h...

pah it's no fun when you give me shots for free

― mark s, Monday, 7 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

did you want to do it, tho, really really? doesn't sound like it: just sounds like relationship mismatch...

trust your boredom jess: "boredom is profound and mysterious, " as erik satie said — i read once that es nevah evah changed his sheets, btw, and that on his death they were discovered to have gone absolutely black...

― mark s, Monday, 7 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i was worried this thread was going to be worthless and self-serving, but that satie revelation justifies it 10 times over.

― jess, Monday, 7 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

painful epiphany time:

(the reason that the job thing really bothers me so much is that its the clearest outside manifestation yet of the fact that i have no ability to macro/micro manage my life. my life - like that job - is generally one thread away from chaos, kept in check only by entropy. or luck. or outside intervention. i never, ever seem to have any idea whats going on in the day to day doings of my own life: bills, debt, appointments, projects. i just sorta putz along. and it's totally non-condusive to being a functioning adult. i can't figure out if this is a defect in my brain or just laziness. i think it might be both. i've never been seemingly able to override my own entropy/laziness/fear and actually Take Charge. live more than check to check, save and plan, keep track of bills and debt. it's just hammered this home. that i am -crap- as an adult. at this point. and it bothers me to no end. it extends to every aspect...keeping up with emails, packages owed, i am rubbish at -keeping up.-)

― jess, Monday, 7 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Well, arguably I have many of the same problems, Jess, but really, you work on things as you can. The novel exercise was an interesting revelation to me, for instance -- an incremental change but one that still happened. :-) So I wouldn't fret too much -- if you're already drawing up plans for a move and looking ahead towards future good life plans :-) then sounds like you have more of a focus than you realize.

― Ned Raggett, Monday, 7 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

leaving PA? you'd better come to the city before then!!

knowing what you don't want to do is just as, if not more, important as knowing what you do want to do.

― maura, Tuesday, 8 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

two years pass...

this thread feels like it was started by another person

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 16 January 2004 02:59 (twenty-two years ago)

the random button is a depressing thing

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 16 January 2004 03:01 (twenty-two years ago)

haha but then i get to my last post and it's like MEANWHILE TWO YEARS LATER

― fiddo centington (dubplatestyle), Friday, 16 January 2004 03:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh dear, I have a feeling my Cheery McFunFun advice wasn't worth much.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 16 January 2004 03:11 (twenty-two years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.