Help me write a letter to my brother

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

It's not as easy as it seems though.

We haven't spoken or contacted each other in eight years, mainly due to him taking sides with my parents during a messy time when I split up with my fiance (when my parents basically asked me to make a choice - her or them), who I then got back together with (a day later), and now we're happily married and hey we've even got a baby on the way. But somewhere along the line he seems to have got the idea that I insulted my family by getting back together with her with indecent haste, even though I loved her and still do, and we are quite obviously right for each other. He has never ever asked me for my side of the story, only ever heard my parents' side. He has refused contact with me since then and I don't even know why. My mother has now asked me to write a letter to him to break the ice. She has told me "I'm not going to tell you what to write" because I get the feeling I know what she wants me to write, and I'm not going to write it. As far as I'm concerned, bygones are bygones, eight years is a long time to be bitter, life's too bloody short, and that's what I'm going to say, whilst holding out the olive branch.

But how exactly do I word it? Serious, and non-serious, answers most welcome!

― Rob M (Rob M), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:29 (twenty years ago)

"Dude,

Let's go get smashed on cider and roll a car. Good times!

Signed, A Brother."

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:33 (twenty years ago)

What a sad situation to be in.

Maybe write the letter to him from the point of view of his unborn niece or nephew? "Hey, I can't wait to meet my uncle!"

― C J (C J), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:35 (twenty years ago)

Hmm, interesting idea that CJ. I'd not thought of that.

― Rob M (Rob M), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:37 (twenty years ago)

Dont.

― mark grout (mark grout), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:38 (twenty years ago)

Right, slightly longer answer now.

Don't write from someone else's point of view. It reads as manipulative. (I had one of those once, and while it's nothing like this scenario, something more straightforward would have been better).

By all means, write that you'd like him to see his nephew/niece and so on. Be as straightforward as possible. The advantage of a letter is that you can't get interrupted. You'll either get read or not read.

― mark grout (mark grout), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:41 (twenty years ago)

Don't write from someone else's point of view. It reads as manipulative.

It's also, dare I say, too cutesy.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:43 (twenty years ago)

Hmm... yes, you're right. I just hope he's not out there reading ILE and thinking "Bastard, couldn't he write it himself?"

― Rob M (Rob M), Monday, 5 December 2005 12:49 (twenty years ago)

it should read:

HEY FUCKWIT I AM GOING TO KILL MUM UNLESS YOU HANG OUT WITH ME AND WE GO BOWLING. AND JUST TO PROVE IT, HERE IS ONE OF MUM'S FINGER.

(don't worry, you wont have to cut off her finger!! just make it out of playdoh!!)

― ESTEBAN BUTTEZ~!!, Monday, 5 December 2005 13:09 (twenty years ago)

Tell him you miss him.

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:25 (twenty years ago)

But that would be a lie.

― Rob M (Rob M), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:30 (twenty years ago)

Tell him the truth then. None of us know that, only you.

― Sick Mouthy (Nick Southall), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:39 (twenty years ago)

x-post: in which case: you're really just doing it to keep your mum happy, yeh? hmm. i appreciate your dilemma. i would suggest something incredibly, incredibly short and simple:

dear xxx

it's been too long, and life's too short. let's meet. and talk.

with love
rob

or something. but - disclaimer - i'm an only child and really, really don't "get" the sibling relationship (see ILE threads passim).

either way, though: the letter should, like you say, be an icebreaker. if you make it too complex, or try to cover too much, you run the risk of accidentally re-opening old wounds before you've even had a chance to talk. these things are much, much better done face to face - that much I do know.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:41 (twenty years ago)

To be honest, I think a short letter would be better. I don't want to get into a slanging match, I certainly don't understand his point of view as he has never explained it to me, and me explaining mine would really only get him upset at this stage. It's a bloody odd situation to be in, and my wife seems to think I'm being a doormat by even writing, but I don't really want any bad blood within the family any longer. Once the letter is written (around Christmas) I'll let you know what the outcome is. The aim is to get my brother and I together in the same room by September, and I don't have a problem with that. It's up to him whether he wants it really.

― Rob M (Rob M), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:51 (twenty years ago)

I can understand your wife's point of view, but he's family and your mum wants to see things patched up. Also, maybe your brother may come around and your relationship may become much better than you expect it to be come.

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:58 (twenty years ago)

I agree that the short letter is best. If there are things to be said, it's better done in person, so you can see their reaction and judge what to say next, and how to say it. If you put it in writing, it's over to your brother and his interpretation of things and you don't get to say "no, no, that's not what I meant at all, it's like this etc."

― Mädchen (Madchen), Monday, 5 December 2005 13:59 (twenty years ago)

my wife seems to think I'm being a doormat by even writing

i can appreciate why she might think that, but i for one don't think you are. i think you should be proud of yourself for doing this. it's a very decent and admirable thing to do.

what you have to remember, though, is that you can't do anything to influence how your brother will react. approach the whole thing with an open mind: that's all you can do right now. and whatever happens - if it does open old wounds - don't blame yourself.

i'd like to think it'll have a positive outcome, though.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Monday, 5 December 2005 14:08 (twenty years ago)

I think this sound ok:

"As far as I'm concerned, bygones are bygones, eight years is a long time to be bitter, life's too bloody short...I'm...holding out the olive branch."

― isadora (isadora), Monday, 5 December 2005 19:48 (twenty years ago)

i fear that saying "i'm" doing anything could be interpreted wrongly.

i don't know rob's brother (or, er, rob) but: i know some people who might read that and go: "OH, RIGHT, YOU'RE HOLDING OUT THE OLIVE BRANCH, EH? FUCKER. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, WASN'T IT? YOU HAVE TO TAKE ALL THE GLORY FOR MAKING THE FIRST MOVE! WELL FUCK YOU!" etc.

draw yr own conclusions about my extended family from this :)

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Monday, 5 December 2005 20:22 (twenty years ago)

yeah, I'd keep it simple and er, neutral, like with no hints to the past - just that you'd like to hear from him and catch up - is there any common interest you shared?. I mean if you could have some sort of bond with your brother again, would not ever mentioning the drama/rift be an option?

― jel -- (jel), Monday, 5 December 2005 20:29 (twenty years ago)

don't write a letter.
call him on the phone.
don't get hung up about the past, just tell him your news about the new member of the family and say what you said up top about bygones and how life's too bloody short.
he's probably going to be relieved that you're letting him off the hook for being a dick for years. if he's still pissed after you've been nice, then let him stew. you've done your bit.

― Fritz Wollner (Fritz), Monday, 5 December 2005 20:31 (twenty years ago)

"We've been at odds for 8 years, I'm about to have a baby, and it reminds me that my family is important to me. I'd like to bury the hatchet and renew our relationship as you're the only brother I've got, and I feel that this has gone on long enough."

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 5 December 2005 20:32 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, luna is OTM as usual.

― Sincerely, (Paul in Santa Cruz), Tuesday, 6 December 2005 00:24 (twenty years ago)

Dearest Brother,

Hello. It is me, your brother. I was sitting on the john the other day and I decided to write you a letter.

― Your Intro, Tuesday, 6 December 2005 01:01 (twenty years ago)

DAEREST BROTHR

― Mädchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 6 December 2005 11:35 (twenty years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.