ILE please tell me if my song sucks

Public Urination by C. Frame 2005

Left my message in the snow
Zip up my trousers and it’s time to go
Half way up the hill and I’m feeling relieved
Copper looks at me like I’m a dirty thief

Crabbon done a wee up against the wall
Finished off the job but that’s not all
Bright torch light shining on his face
“You’re nicked for urination in the market place”

Leaving your mark in a public place
Is a criminal offence with a lawsuit case
Even after hours when the bogs are closed
Never piss in public or you’ll or your name’ll be disclosed

Deep down in the alley when I was a little brock
Done a little wee and then I got a little shock
My hair stood on end, my pants were set on fire
“Son, you done pissed upon a live electric wire”

Peeing in the street is a criminal offence
And watch that you don’t wee upon a live electric fence
Best to hold it in until you get yourself home
Or do it in your boxers so the filth leave you alone

Out in the jungle, micturated in the river
Candiru little fishy put its head in my urethra
Doctor pulled it out and it hurt quite a lot
Stupid fucking fishy put its head inside my plot

Pissing in the wild gives you tropical diseases
Worse than STD’s or a bad case of the measles
Your lunn’ll swell up to over twice its size
Imagine that throbbing in between your thighs

Public urination is against the law
The cops think that they’ve one but we will win the war
So from now on when you feel the call of nature
Go out in the road and ask the questions later

I do have one little thing to say though. Singing quietly is an art, and not many people realize that. Almost everyone can sing loudly, but when forced to sing softly, vocals tend to do what I'm afraid I can't help noticing with yours: they drift in and out of tune a little.

Singing and playing out of tune all the time takes a tonedeaf genius like Will Oldham or Sonic Youth, and since you sing in tune most of the time I'm guessing it's not meant to be a little out of tune every now and then.

The reason? I'm not informed at all, but I'm guessing it's because you tend to focus on the mic that's there in front of you and you only think "quiet! softly! hush! acoustic voice!" all the time, so you lose a little control over the tone. The uninformed amateur advice I would give you: practice more with your quiet voice so you don't have to force yourself to sing softly next time you record.

Don't get me wrong: I haven't said you sing out of tune, I said the vocals drift in and slightly out of tune every now and then. Enough to notice the difference. You are able to sing in tune, because you do it most of the time, so it's probably this focus/attention thing I mentioned.

Or am I deaf and totally wrong about this? Please accept my apologies then. I just couldn't help thinking "is that 100% in tune?" sometimes.

this is a pretty song....i'd maybe echo the sentiment that it could probably be trimmed a bit, to be shorter, with still maintaining the good things about it....

one thing on the recording, i guess i don't know if this is demo or intended for an album or what, but was this recorded on a computer? it sounds sort of brittle and thin in the way that digital recordings done on cheaper, consumer type software tends to....obv. you are seem to be doing pretty straightforward acoustic stuff, so i doubt you're gaining much in terms of all the digital editing and tricks that can be acccomplished w/protools....have you ever considered trying recording analog? there's some sort of organic good things that happen pretty naturally w/a good mic, acoustics, and analog tape....just a suggestion, obv. that would be more expensive and probably somewhat more difficult, but from the recording you seem like a good guitar player who wouldn't have much problem nailing a take....obv. more expensive digital stuff can also sound much better as well...

http://archipelagorecordings.com/audio/isle001p-nkvd-saturday.mp3

My guitar playing prowess isn't that great but i would love to go into a studio are record something properly.

where do you live? are there some cheaper studios/engineers there?

Not sure about cheap studio time. It would have to be bankrolled by somebody because i'm very broke.

Hari is the most indie person in the world!