American Idol 5:

I'd like to see them let people play instruments on the show and maybe write their own songs. I mean, in a pop world with John Mayer and Jack Johnson in it, why can't an American Idol have some chops?

http://www.usanetwork.com/series/nashvillestar/

Contestants have to be able to sing, play an instrument, and write.

http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/americandreamz/
-- mark p (mark.p****...), January 6th, 2006 10:54 AM. (Mark P) (later) (link)

O. M. G.
Is that real? Why is it designed so badly? Seriously, I was excited because I thought it was going to be some horrible indie documentary about American Idol.

-Seacrest's t-shirt, vomit
-"contestants" whose greatest hope lies in pimping their drama in between-audition segments. what is there to possibly gain? a few seconds of documented evidence confirming that you are a nut cake?
-"i can sing three pitches, bass, medium, and semi-high" ???
- medley closer, man screaming "It's NIGEL!! It's NIGEL!!!" paula and simon visible fear; "that's an XTC song from back in the days" OMG
- simon: "can you just sing something normal" to Humpty Dance girl. Can't think of a single other song on earth besides Humpty Dance, gets attitudinal, gets dissed and dismissed.
-"beyond the sea"/"i would do anything for love" medley, simon very immediate about saying no.
-we've had ruben and we won't have another ruben.
-so sick of "system jammers" instead of genuinely bad people
-twins - Darryl and...TARRYL?! I frankly do not get twins auditioning together. You come into Idol alone and you leave the same way. Right?
-"you're so crusty today" Randy to Cowell
-Celine-singing asskisser, ok
-"Blue Moon". Why? Why do people do this?
-Mandisa. Really good singer, does Alicia Keys "I Keep on Fallin'" (which last year didn't Simon say he would blow his brains out if he heard once more or something?) Simon makes 1st fat joke of the season by asking if we were having a bigger stage this year.
-Kevin. Son, run a quick untuck. We've had Clay Aiken, right? Paula says some dumbass remark about him singing on Rugrats that is meant to be a compliment, and Simon really lays into her, for the next couple of contestants even. It is already on.
-Some guy who has auditioned 3 years running sings a song about American Idol including the lyrics "The American Idol is just what I want to be/to have a voice to sing a song (??)/You can't say no, I will not go" at which point Simon tells him he should become a female impersonator instead of trying out for Idol anymore. Paula lays into him and he tells her it is no worse than calling someone a rat.
-A cop in uniform, very poor showing of "I Shot the Sherriff" wherein he does the first 2 lines. 8 times. Randy gives us the first "dawg" of the season.
-Seacrest takes Derek ("it's nigel") on a BS exploitative trip around Chicago. Some passerby says "I love your show!" Seacrest: "Want to be on it?" Passerby: "not neccessarily"
-"Is this what you wear to prom...people in America?" - Simon. weak-voiced girl in bride gown. paula tells her to try in another city and simon informs her that she should save the airfare.
-What fresh hell -- "Blake from New York." Dressed as lady liberty, begins singing NYNY and only gets through "start spreading..." Simon says no and he just walks out aghast. Simon not having the kooks this year.
-Derek returns with...something. "Constance on the bathroom wall" is a lyric. He is singing in what appears to be semi-high range. Randy asks what the hell that was, Derek responds that he is not sure of the title.
-Threatening white trash grandmother of gay tenor states that if said boy does not go to Hollywood that she will "hurt Simon's body." He chooses to sing Daniel Beddingfield which Simon exclaims over how great that is, then the kid sucks ass. Simon states "you sing like an Auntie" which is the first resounding OTM of the season.
-Seacrest gets Simon involved in some to-do with the white trash grandma while the gay grandson looks on in embarassed horror
-Two sisters, not even twins, both get to go to Hollywood inexplicably
-Yvette Gomez, green chiffon penis, horrific
-"I'm in da mood for love", Paula's clit-on vote of the episode. If Constantine went to Abercrombie then got a crap haircut.
-dramarama blonde chick, requisite "i am better than anyone else hear" post-audition into-camera bitch fest, she is TRULY HORRIBLE and has sailor's mouth to boot, even saying "fuck" in her audition song...?
-best moment yet: girl in waiting room bitching hilariously about how there is no diversity in AI, especially in the top 32. Girl comes out with ticket to Hollywood, and original girl states that this is a prime example, she has heard this girl and she is not that good. They fight hilariously. I hope they both get to go and the drama continues.
-Seacrest does a recap calling Simon short.
-Guy who wants to be Sinatra. Amazingly, everyone but Paula says yes. She tells him his package is great and finally relents but makes the guy promise that he will learn how to "be...pop" while doing robot gestures.
-Simon disses a girl's horrible tan and she is too dumb to notice until he says it 4 or 5 times. She affects face-mic hand gesture and does lots of grunting and crap. She literally begs. Simon makes fun of her outfit and demands to meet her mother. She actually brings in the mother, who is dressed even younger than the girl herself. Simon dismisses them and the girl gets attitudinal.
-in the hall, Seacrest shockingly tells the girls to get over her superior attitude because American Idol was her dream and she blew it
-Are we really having a "hats" recap?
-A guy in traditional Assyrian clothing? Simon sarcastically declares his song catchy. Randy asks what the song was about. He says "a girl leaving me and i am begging her to stay." Randy: "were you wearing the outfit when she left?" Paula presumptuously asks if she can have the hat. He leaves briskly and without words.
-Ukrainian Rhapsody. This is apparently the "foreign people r funny" part of the episode.
-more twins. one or none, surely. nope, they both make it.
a guy called crazy dave who jumps instead of walking makes it to hollywood on the merit of randy thinking he will "talk to the animals for me." they honestly just go right ahead and let him through. phoning it in this year, guys
-"aint no mountain high enough" guy with circular arm motion surely this year's william hung if he gets enough exposure
-we close with "lady marmalade" medley which is fake but fantastic, closing with fake tan girl really going with gusto and simon telling her she is the worst human specimen ever

The judges have made it clear that the gimmicky costumes don't cut it, yet people insist on doing them. I thought Simon did the right thing.

-Derek returns with...something. "Constance on the bathroom wall" is a lyric. He is singing in what appears to be semi-high range. Randy asks what the hell that was, Derek responds that he is not sure of the title.

This season's Mary Roach???

Her and her mother were both so dumb and disgusting.

This season's Mary Roach???

That's exactly what I was thinking. They are gonna exploit this guy to the fullest.

And God, don't get me wrong, I was thrilled that Simon dismissed the gimmicky kids with immediacy. I hate that shit.

http://adweek.blogs.com/photos/uncategorized/pop_tarts_2.jpg

A 16 year old guy decided to "sing the world" in 68 seconds for his audition in Norwegian Idol. Highly impressive!

It sure didn't help her though!

I don't know why her and her mother repulsed me so much, but it seemed like they were a good representation of everything wrong with the world.

"I'm too good for that in there."
"Oh, so you didn't want to be on American Idol?"
"No, it's not important to me."
"Well, why did you come here?"
etc

HE'S REAL, Y'ALL.

Also tansley tanno tannity tan could work in a "juice bar" when she turns 18 (not sure how strippy laws work in other states, but that's the case here in family-friendly Idaho). She said she loved "the entertainment world," Fuck, it's coming, right? Strippers are "entertainers." She's got the look down.

you guys are getting the show an hour earlier than yours truly.

Paula was even hinting at that when she talked to the Ukrainian girl, I thought -- "You ARE very sexy...you have that kind of appeal [at least]."

*We are in Denver, lots of crap about being a mile above sea-level, including an enormous crowd of people singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough".
*Simon makes fun of a girl on the way into the studio, they call her "Simon's fanclub", he asks her if she is auditioning and tells her she is through.
*A very sweet gay boy does "Fallin'" REALLY badly with lots of Mariah fingers. Simon apologizes, but tells him there is nothing they can do about his shitty voice. He says he came a long way, they ask from where, he says "from Denver", which is where we are.
*Karen O-sounding insano
*Some Hawaiian shirted, bandanaed acid casualty doing "Run With Me". Randy simply tells him "nah"
*A beautiful willowy 16 year old girl does "One Moment in Time" and is definitely the best singer so far that we have seen this season by a zillion miles. Judges tell her she is the best 16 year old they have EVER seen, and Simon says that he usually hates them.
*We have a recap of "special skills" being exhibited in the waiting room incuding gymnastics, some type of breakdancing, and GEOGRAPHY (some guy hand draws a map of America. Jesus Christ. FOr some reason I always feel like Seacrest is *in charge* of these segments, like comes up with them and everything instead of just presenting them.)
*A redheaded girl sings that "Can't Fight the Moonlight" song real badly and kind of stands there shaking her head back and forth in a bizarre way. Simon asks her to mark herself out of 10. She says "6", and he tells her to go ahead and subtract 5 and a half.
*Some Scott Stapp lookalike named Ace Young, breathy, tan and annoying shirt. Simon expresses great disbelief that Randy really likes his singing at all, tells him he is likeable enough as a human though. He gets to Hollywood.
*a group of people spell ROCHELLE ELAINE with their shirts, one letter on each shirt, and a cute girl says "that's me!" Then they spell it again without an H (accident I assume) so that it just says ROHELLE. She tells a Fantasia-esque story and then sings Chain of Fools (which has got to be one of the most overdone AI songs ever, right?). She is great.
*Seacrest talks about how Bo and Constantine opened the door for rockers and how it is a door that should have stayed closed.
*A montage of bad rock guys including a metalcore screaming guy in a My Chemical Romance shirt to whom Simon simply says "You are boring."
*A guy on crutches sings "Jump, Jive and Wail"
*A rock guy comes in to save the world of rock guys and there is a big buildup and backstory, a seemingly constantly tearful wife. He states that he was inspired by Bo last season. They let him sing his entire song and he says thank you. He actually has a really good voice, and everyone loves it but Simon tells him he has no personlity which was kinda true. It shows him leaving the audition area and joining his wife, empty handed at first but then producing the yellow paper from his cowboy hat as a surprise. Very cute.
*a girl does "Rush, Rush" horrendously and Simon states that it is rare that he hears a version so much better than the original. Paula beats him up and the girl is really confused.
*Bald guy in glasses and Fred Perry-esque shirt is bad, they look at him silently for what seems like hours until he finally says "Should I go?" They seemingly do not even answer him and he leaves.
*A family of cowboys introduces themselves in the waiting area, a young boy saying what sounds like "Elaine." Garrett, the one auditiong, can't think of name of song and is precious. They tell him its ok, to just sing and he states that he has only ever performed the song for a turkey. He sings "Can you feel the love tonight" and says "it's enough for this rel-eyed wanderer", confusion, Simon tells him there is a good voice in there somewhere in a gentle way. He tells him he could benefit from lessons. Garrett states "I need to sing for PEOPLE" and that this is the first time he has been out in public and only wanted to ride a plane (or something). Simon gives him the go-ahead to Hollywood based on this backstory (is this a 1st?) and tells him "seriously, though, get some lessons." His family nearly dies of excitement.
*I realize that the larger-than-life Ruben in the background looks like a giant Burl Ives looming over Randy.
*Day 2 begins. A freak show who calls himself "Flawless" parades 100 matching plaid outfits and spouts nonsense. Exploitation continues for a long ass time. He states he is an "entrepreteur" (yes, teur) and says he has a thing called Paradise Cleaners whose motto is "You come home with your home and your home and food it will smell like paradise." Nice.
*Some freak who says he doesn't like to discuss his intelligence because it intimidates people. Says he has 5 patents and shows us some dumb hovering coaster he has invented.
*Flawless sings "Your Song" real badly, natch, with cracking voice, and states "I am trying to bring TALENT in" as his explanation.
*the inventer asshole comes in and PUTS THE COASTER ON THE TABLE, URGING RANDY AND PAULA TO PUT THEIR GIANT COKE GLASSES ON IT. (btw, does the reflective table not make these cups look like bongs?) He sings "If i only had a brain" and then berates the judges for not letting him get to the good part. Simon: "You're a terrible singer, the invention isn't great, and that's it." Randy: "You should have invented something to help you sing, bro."
*A chubby girl in a cute outfit does Bjork's "It's Oh So Quiet" real cutely. They amazingly like it and send her to Hollywood where she will get ripped to shreds for being fat.
*A guy who looks exactly like a girl sings "Queen of the Night" horribly, they dismiss him and express surprise that he is a male, etc. He says they are racist and bigoted and don't want a guy who sings girl songs (uhhh, happen to catch Federov last season, bro??)
*more crap about Denver

That actually kinda pissed me off. Ooh, oh-so-bizarre, a kid looks and dresses like a girl.

Anyway, it wasn't so much bizarre as it was confusing - he seemed insulted to be mistaken for a girl yet clearly chose to look/dress like one and singing "Queen of the Night", at that.

I think if he got a bit more confident, Rocker Dude could go far but otherwise, he's just a poor man's Bo Bice. 16-year-old babe will probably make top 5.

Also, an otm statement from TWOP:

Crystal Parizanski (16, Palatine IL) is the Paris Hilton-looking moron the color of fake walnut paneling who can't sing, but we spend 100 years on her and her disgusting mother anyway. Yuliya Matus (24, Ukraine via Naperville IL) does a Pussycat Dolls rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody," and then we basically fast-forward to when they find her bones in a shallow desert grave in Vegas or the Valley.

I'm STILL laughing about this guy and imagine that I won't be able to stop for years and years -- thet should stop the audition shows right now because nothing will top Flawless for sheer...whatever. Who the heck would hire a dude to clean their house when he can't even remember his own sales pitch? He'd come to your crib and just wander around in a stupor and when you got back 8 hours later he'd STILL be wandering and he'd say "Just give me a couple minutes and I'll get started."

Plaid "enterpreteur" guy was perhaps the most painful. I thought he might have been mildly, er, mentally challenged. I'm starting to wonder if this is the case with a lot of people. In the world. Not enough oxygen at birth, fell down a few flights of stairs at a young age, something, I don't know. The least we can do is take care of them by not letting them audition for AI.

The awesome 16 year old pretty girl (who they mentioned was written up in Variety, haha) is obv going far.

xpost

Yeah, Flawless was obviously of very low intelligence.

I didn't think Zachary was shocked that people thought he was a girl -- he said it happened all the time as his "interesting fact" about himself, and said it made him laugh!

Hopefully they won't be forced to sing shitty ballads like last year.

Matos was over to watch for the first time, so Tracer and I had to go back to earlier TiVo'd performances to prove they could sing well and the show could actually be good...
like Taylor performing "Trouble" (the Ray LaMontagne song) or Katharine on the Barry Manilow and Rod Stewart weeks.

though nothing could touch Jennifer Hudson's "Weekend In New England" which is still saved on my machine!

My wife and I just EXPLODED when we found out Taylor won, scared the dog silly

I'm glad Taylor won. Katharine was just too boring.

If FOX added an hour long show to its prime time line up called (with acknowledgement to Tracer) PICKLERRRRRRRRR! which consisted of nothing but Kellie Pickler being insulted, poked, prodded, harassed and tortured by B and C list celebrities, I think my Tivo would have a new #1 season pass.

Tonight on PICKLERRRRRRRRRRRR! Keenan and Kel poke Kellie with sharp sticks for 20 minutes, then Kellie interviews Henry Kissinger.

Yes, though Dulli's new album is horrendous.

Winner. I had to rewind the tape about five times to be sure I wasn't hallucinating.

Was anyone else dying to hear Katherine sing "Point of No Return" by Expose? No? Ok then...

Pickler will play a naive small-town Southern girl -- a character based on herself -- who discovers that her biological father is the state's well-respected governor. His presidential dreams are put in jeopardy, but the two form a father-daughter relationship that winds up helping his standing in the polls.

Twentieth Century Fox TV is behind the project, along with Watson Pond and "Idol" producer 19 Entertainment. Watson Pond's Brad Johnson and 19's Simon Fuller and Malcolm Young will executive produce.

Chris Peterson and Bryan Moore ("That '70s Show") will write and create the project, which has landed a script order.

Elvis week was like the greatest thing ever!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_yKG0M4Gx64

AND WHEN MY LIFE IS OVERRRRR, REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER (??? <the best part)

WTF IS KELLY'S FACE

http://nimg.sulekha.com/Others/original700/kellie-pickler-alison-brie-jennifer-love-hewitt-brittany-snow-2009-2-15-14-3-48.jpg

It's been pickled.

I just don't get why really young women get botox or do other weird things to their face that make them look older.