School assemblies & "KUMBAYA"

Kurupt has joined Suge Knight's Tha Row Records.

Thanks, "Alerts"! (i have been imbibing alcohol this evening)

please tell of how this works.

i give good assembly - some teachers agonize over them but not me - egotripper supreme

Somehow this is the funniest thing I've read in along while. I sneak back to this thread from time to time just for that. Brilliant! :)

Also, like Omar, I pissed myself at the "Phil Collins" thing.

Christian, dost thou see them
On the holy ground
How the troops of Midian
Prowl and prowl around

At primary school, we had more modern stuff in assembly, such as "If I had a hammer" and the complete works of Sydney Carter, including the truly dreadful "One more step along the world I go".

Best assembly moment = my mates performing the drum solo from Ultravox's "Monument" live album in front of whole school.

Visiting policemen giving road safety tips - classic or dud?

my favorite hymn = when a knight won his spurs, because it was about fighting and WAR!!!!!

Yes, Stephen Carr my lord, Stephen Carr - Oh lord, Stephen Carr. (get fit soon you fantastic shooting running Irish gypsy)

Visiting coppers = CLASSIK especially if they come bearing gifts and PRIZES. We all got reflective armbands and they were GRATE toys. No-one wore them outside of the playground tho, somewhot defeating the point.

Later it transpired that the keeper of Garbage Can had dated the woman who married my dad. As she is a fat omnivorous ho this makes perfect sense.

on a possibly related note, my sistah won the 1968 East Midlands Don't Talk to Strangers Colouring Competition, perhaps becuz she coloured in the paedo's face with ALL-RED crayon instead of LaYMoR pink...

I plunged my primary school into a paedo witch-hunt aged 5 when a couple of days after a dont-talk-to-strangers assembly I reported that a stranger had been beckoning me into his car. In fact the stranger in question was a teacher from the middle school and was signalling to me that he had stopped and it was now safe to cross the road in front of him (OR SO HE SAID hem hem). If only I'd got the road safety policeman instead!

We always replaced key words with other v funny words to make hilarious fall about helpless with giggles versions of songs you've done 10000 times.

I was cold, i was naked - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

...NOS HABEBIT HUUU-UUU-MUS NOS HABEBIT HUU-UU-MUS!

I was not at all surprised to hear that Alix's secondary school got visits from the filth...I used to pass it every day on my way to work and it's right next door to the Thames Valley Police headquarters!

Grant O most glorious Trinity, Father Son and Holy Spirit
That as this school was founded to Thy glory
So it may forever flourish to Thy perpetual praise
Who liveth and reigneth, our Light and our Salvation
God ever blessed, world without end. Amen.

"That song is incorrect, and don't let it fool you. Only winners win. Losers lose." He was - of course - a PE Teacher (as well as somewhat more worryingly the thickies English teacher).

Best assembly ever was the deep and meaningful given to us by the Welsh Woodwork teacher which was about prejudice, during which he told us his first name was Kimberley and he used to get a lot of shit about having a girls name when he was a kid. He left two months later after getting a lot of shit about having a girls name from us.

The first was a born-again Christian physics teacher who did a talk at lunchtime on religion, where he basically told a room of mixed denomination pupils (Catholic, Muslim, Jewish etc.) that his way was the only way, all other religions were invalid and all non-Christians were destined for the fiery coals.

The second was an anti-abortion video the whole year was forced to watch, showing an actual abortion in which the head of a foetus was crushed. It was graphic and unnecessary.

Fortunately our then form tutor was a closet atheist, and she allowed us to set up camp during assembly in an unused classroom which we dubbed "The Philosopher's Corner" and covered the walls with our own thoughts and observations. This went on for quite some time, until the head of religious studies took offence to a sign I put up on the wall which said "Lions:114, Christians:0".

However, rising through the years we get better stories. At my prep school (8-12) every assembly featured a couple of members of the school (a different year each day) would have to recite (or at a pinch, read) a piece of poetry to the whole school. Everyone had to read once a term. Much more bizarre, once a month or so after the scripture reading on Friday, the Headmaster, a 6'6" lanky old Welshman called Mr Trevor- Roberts or TR for short, would make the entire school sing some of the 'great choruses' from operas; Va Pensiero, The anvil chorus, the victory chorus from Aida etc. He4 acted out his every fantasy of being conductor and lead soloist all in one. Alone on stage waaving his baton, singining his heart out, while we substituted words to the songs.

Going to a great public school means religion 4 times a week, three in westminster abbey in english and one 'up school' in latin, complete with our own idiosyncratic pronounciation.

We did one about the Tower of Babel once

Reviving as I have just remembered that we actually had a kid playing GOD in that particular play, who later got to do the same IRL, as he became the team doctor at Bolton Wanderers and saved Fabrice Muamba's life.

There's a whole new generation of ilxors now...I'd like to hear about their school assembly experiences.