Oh......so you WANT detention.

New you can tell I recently left school answers.

Our class hoodlum would always make sure he got his wisecracks in first. He'd say to our maths teacher (in a broad Jamaican accent), "Hallo Mrs Denton, give us a detention".

Funnily enough, she always did.

Boss Teacha at public school would summon you to his study, wait until you'd sat down and then without fail say either

"Well?"

or

"And?"

Absolutely no context given. With this fly-all-is-known technique he kept discipline without ever leaving his leather armchair the lazy fucker.

I always liked "If it's that funny, you can get up and tell the whole class." Then of course there was "It's your time you're wasting".

Primary school teachers often said "Hands on heads!" We duly complied. Why???

To prevent illicit masturbation?

I had a bitch teaching me business last year and there was a major personality clash going on to the extent that I had to sit on my own. So one day I start laughing about something or other and she gave it the "why don't you share it with the class" and I said "you have a bit of food stuck to your face". ho ho ho and she got all paranoid, then I got kicked out. it all explains why business was my worst result, a lowly c3. Actually that story made me come across as kind of mean, she was a bitch honest, it was her.

Funny you should say that, Ricky T... I recall a lesson when the teacher said to a kid "Take what you're playing with under the desk and put it out on the desk in front of you!"

(class laughs) Teacher: "...on second thoughts, you'd better not."

I liked the time e teacher was like 'WHy dont you go read your batman comic...IN THE HALL!" IO thought to myself, "IS this suposed to be a punishment? "

I do love teacher cliche because I'm the type to answer back.

Hall monitor lady to me and Nancy, writing band names on our lockers with Sharpies: "Do your parents let you do this at home?" (Us: "Well, yeah.")

Ms Storm, megalomaniac English teacher: "This is MY TIME!" (Me: "Actually, this time belongs to St Louis Park taxpayers like my mother.")

(Insert name of teacher here): "Whoever did this is ruining it for everyone else."

Ms Callahan, swim teacher: "Girls, it does stop when you go in the water."

I was sickeningly good in school. Aside from the threatened asskicking.

suzy, what "stops" when you go in the water?

menses

In my circle of friends, it's become a habit to transform the word "men" into "mens" or "menses" when being silly. The link to vaginal bleeding never occurred to me until just now.

I don't have very many good teacher cliches. I've had teachers say astoundingly stupid things to me, though, like the health teacher who informed us that a disease was any condition that adversely affected the normal functioning of the human body. "Um, isn't that a little... general?" I said. The teacher growled at me for daring to question the Almighty Health Book, which got my hackles up. "According to your definition, a broken arm is a disease," I said. The teacher, in full glare mode, repeated the asinine definition from The Almighty Health Book. I finally defaulted to, "Well, that's just stupid. 'Ooh, help me, I've fallen out of a tree and now I have broken arm disease,'" which got big laughs from the class and earned me a trip to the principal's office. I was told not to confuse the health teacher anymore.

You just bought yourself another Saturday, buddy!

My health teacher is apparently there to show alarming pictures and videos and serve as a confidant for kids (like anyone's going to go to the TEACHER with their drug problems). Her definition of "drug"-- no, the district's official one--is "anything you put into your body that changes its functioning." Gee, time to have some bread drugs, as I'd like that nice feeling of digestion in my crrently empty stomach.

Last year my friend and I sat on the side of the English classroom, read our own books, and made fun of the class (all we did was make posters for Lord of the Flies), and one day the teacher kept us after, got all mad, and said, "IF you're so smart why aren't you in the honors English class? Are you just lazy?" "There ISN'T an honors English class in this school." "oh....well, I guess you can read your books, then."

And that's ANOTHER SATURDAY! Want another?

If we're talking pre-college teachers, the only weird moment I can remember was in sixth grade... kids were all yapping and talking while our teacher, Mrs. Klaustermeyer (why do I remember all these teachers' names?) was growing more impatient. So she stormed over to the corner of the room where the piano was, and started BASHING ON THE PIANO making some loud cacophonous noise. All the kids quickly quieted.. not because they were scared, but they were just freaked out by the odd choice of, um, discipline.

There was my fourth grade teacher who was a very vocal communist who verbally insulted me and my grandmother in class before, but that's another story.

I think I have more weird professor stories than teacher stories, though.. where to begin.

But Brian, you forgot to mention your one pharmaceutically name- challenged teacher from your sweet youth. I really rather think scanning his photo with caption is a necessity.

RAGGETT, THAT'S ANOTHER SATURDAY!

Fuck. You win.

> In my circle of friends, it's become a habit to transform the > word "men" into "mens" or "menses"

Are they gronks?

a friend of mine had a teacher who used to take his students individually into a broom cupboard to give them their end of year report, and would emerge from cupboard pretending to do up his flies.

he also once leaned out of a window and called after said friend who had just refused to join some school committee or other: 'come on maureen, you know you want to!'.

not usual teacherly behaviour