"Sexy" Things That Really Really Aren't

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As in things the creator things are sexy or in some way erotic or redolent of dangerous edgy passion maybe but actually make you never want to touch another human being again in your life.

― Tom, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Inspired by the guy from Puddle Of Mudd going "I like the way you slap my assssss". Ew.

― Tom, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I think this thread should be retitled "I thort it'd be ewotic", in tribute to the woman who brings out a tub of chocolate sauce in Alan Partridge's hotel room bed, much to his horror. "Good god woman, it looks like I've been involved in some kind of dirty protest!"

― N., Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Rod Stewart. Do You Think I'm Sexy - er - No.

― Pete, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Brenda, who has worked in the D3FR4 photocopying room for 35 years, would disagree with you there. A lot. She has lots of Rod Stewart posters which she gazes at between telling me about how cold her feet were on the bus this morning. She also has David Duchovny posters and lots of cut out bits from the Metro featuring cute animals AWWWW. She scares me.

― Sarah, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Banana suggestiveness.

― Nancy Drew, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sex cheques, ick. And Nelly Furtado's appallingly bad dancing.

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Also David Copperfield.

― Nancy Drew, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

There used to be a woman on the MVE staff called Phil. She was called Phil because she had changed her name to that of Phil Collins, whose image I seem to remember she carried in a locket around her neck. (though maybe the whole Phil thing was a put-on anyway).

― Tom, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The word "pleasuring".

― Nancy Drew, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

the words 'making love'. *shudder*

― nickie, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

the words "Carol Vordermann" *shudder*

― chris, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

However 'making luuuuurve' is fine as is 'making wuv' although this has a different meaning.

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I am not sure 'making wuv' is fine though it's not intentionally sexy so not within this thread's purview.

― Tom, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Thongs.

― N., Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

FOOD AND SEX. period. strippers in geneal and strippery activities, and breast implants, the tongue-flicking-air mock lesbian seen in a thousand "girls - GONE WILD!" commercials. anything that gets covered on HBOs "real sex", a show which will put you off sex for at least a year after viewing it.

― your null fame, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I still maintain that VPL is a trillion times less sexy than thongs could ever be.

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Barry White.

― Andrew L, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Though of course VPL isn't meant to be sexy.

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

food before and after sex, though is classic.

food during sex? stopping for elevenses. i love food.

things that aren't sexy: everything recommended by relationship experts. Hot Sex recommended putting cherries on your nips, and pineapple rings on your... erm.. ring. it was appalling. they interviewed the flushed and be-chocolate-spreaded couple afterwards, though, and they were thrilled with the results.

― nickie, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Pole dancing, lap dancing, dirty dancing.

― Edna Welthorpe, Mrs, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

can you explain that to my flatmate? he looked at me as if there was something very wrong with me when I told him I had no interest whatsoever in going to a lapdancing club with him and some of his mates the other day.

― chris, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Shaved body hair. For men, anyway.

― Michael Daddino, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

(d'you mean the body after shaving or the hair after shaving michael?)

not that i'm big on either obv, as mr salo (funfur remix)

― mark s, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

thongs^2. don't give a sod about VPL. oh look she's wearing pants. well then, that's a good thing.

― Alan Trewartha, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The problem with VPL is not just the visibleness of the pants but the fact that there is a LINE which tends to be caused by the coming together of lardy bulging bits and knicker elastic, it makes you look like you have a vast wobbly arse.

And why is wearing pants necessarily a good thing?

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Obviously this is based on watching other people rather than personal experience. Ahem.

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

"I like big butts and I cannot lie..." - I'm with Sir Mix-A-Lot on this one. In a more enlightened society arse-enhancing underwear would sell as well as boob-enhancing bras do (OK, in an even more enlightened society neither would sell well at all.)

― Tom, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

VPLs are sexier than thongs, but of course they're not meant to be -- we need a new thread, surely, things that shouldn't be sexy, but actually are. I would have more ideas for that than I would for this, even if I might be afraid to post them...

― alext, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The book I'm translating describes a young lady as having thighs like fidgety fish.

― Peter Miller, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Lingerie. Not only does it look stupid, but it makes it look like getting laid was the chick's idea. Don't women realise yet that the key to everything is letting the guy think that he controls the situation?

― dave q, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Alex T: start it then.

― Tom, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Surely 'no lingerie' would be a sign of greater forwardness, Dave? Perhaps you would be best served by a woman in greying, soiled underwear?

― N., Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Men in thongs or speedos - just wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I don't care how fit the person is, this always makes men look like sleazy ho-bags who wear gold chains.

― Nicole, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Tom there is a world of difference between breast-enhancing bras (presumably you mean Wonderbras and their ilk) and VPL. No-one thinks it's attractive if a woman squeezes her breasts into a bra that's too small causing that great 4-tits look so why should it be a good look to have 4 arse cheeks? Eh?

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

4 tits are better than 2 - as any fule kno.

― Pete, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Breast implants. EWWWWWW! GAH! GET THOSE THINGS AWAY FROM ME!

― Douglas, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Anything by Prince, especially "Lovesexy".

― Trevor, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Pete I think most straight men would rather the 4 tits were divided between 2 separate women rather than squished together on the one.

Anyway you only have 1 pair of hands.

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I concur with Mr. Rhubarb Cake.

― Colin Meeder, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Emma - you said that VPL makes a woman look as if she has a vast wobbly arse. And I am ready for that jelly. There was no mention in your original post of this bisecting fiasco.

― Tom, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I have tried to blank out The Horror of VPL and as a protective mechanism my brain only allows small snippets of The Horror through at a time. Next time I am slagging something off I will be sure to cover all aspects of Why It Is A Bad Thing.

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

oh curely you've seen this. it is amusing more than scary, horrific. not sexy that's for sure, still less irksome than jaunty bit of thong riding up over trouser top. in my world. let's hear it for PANTS! yay

― Alan Trewartha, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'm with Emma. I'm also starting to suspect that this thong-hatred amongst the men is a very British thing, as well, because I can't think of any American men I know who have huge problems with thongs (quite frankly, I can't think of any American men who give a rat's ass about what a girl's wearing underneath her clothes, as long as she's willing to show him, but that's another story). Most guys here seem crazy for thongs.

― Ally, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Hurray for American men and their superior taste in underwear. British men clearly have no sense of style.

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

The thing is, you'd think that the, ahem, booty luvvin' men around here would WANT thongs because, in general, the purpose of BIG HUGE PANTS is to hold all of it in, control tops, etc. Nowhere to hide in a thong, eh? It just means it doesn't have elastic digging into your backside all day. But you see much more arse in bed if the girl takes off her pants and has got on a thong.

Note: Men should not wear thongs, regardless of what I am saying about how great it is. No one wants to see hairy ass with a string in it.

― Ally, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Well ideally 'in bed' the thong would come off too.

I'm not against thongs really but on the hint vs flaunt continuum of undies they move a bit too far one way.

― Tom, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

And Ally that's exactly our problem with British women wearing thongs...

― Pete, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Wait, what's that mean?

― Ally, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

It's all very well for you blokes to chunter on about how marvellous VPL is but it's not a look I see any of you lot going for. What's sauce for the goose etc. etc.

(NB I don't actually want to see male VPL I am just trying to demonstrate how unappealing it is).

― Emma, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Skipping 48 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

the singer of the strokes can sit on my face anyday.

― di, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Arthur is a hippy!

― Tracer Hand, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

http://www.ringo.net.ru/bnr/ amazon.jpg

― ethan, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Edible underwear.

― electric sound of jim, Thursday, 17 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

did anyone mention mariah carey?

― your null fame, Friday, 18 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

leopard skin anything except leopard skin pillbox hats of course.

― goeff, Friday, 18 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Penny Smith on GMTV. She tries too hard.

― XStatic Peace, Friday, 18 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

ANYONE who tries too hard.

― Mark C, Wednesday, 23 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

visible hip bone, also known as the ass crack of 2002.

― maura, Wednesday, 23 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

mmm, yes maura. v. sexy. I also like arm veins.

― Samantha, Wednesday, 23 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

oh wait. . .i'm on the wrong thread. .

― Samantha, Wednesday, 23 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

If Sean Connery hadn't been mentioned, it'd be 'Sean Connery'. Plus indeed all those dreadful old geezers.

I disagree re. Mariah Carey. She's certainly way *attractive*. Perhaps the word 'sexy' is getting in the way here - and actually *belongs on this list itself*? Yes, I think so.

― the pinefox, Friday, 25 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I think there's a certain slutty element to Mariah Carey.

― Jonnie, Friday, 25 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sex & The City.

― JM, Friday, 25 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

two years pass...

Nipple rings. Bony girls in leather.

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 3 April 2004 16:26 (twenty-one years ago)

any "sexy" t-shirt slogan

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 16:27 (twenty-one years ago)

That's a good one.

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 3 April 2004 16:28 (twenty-one years ago)

"I'm a Virgin, (this is a very old t-shirt)"

UGH.

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 16:48 (twenty-one years ago)

Whatever, Ronan.

― Bad Girl! (Clarke B.), Saturday, 3 April 2004 16:51 (twenty-one years ago)

they might as well just say "FOOL" on them.

I want a t-shirt which says "if i'm an idiot, then why am I down here, on the beach, at midnight, looking for the skin of a woman, who is really a seal"

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 16:52 (twenty-one years ago)

That's so last season, Ro.

― N. (nickdastoor), Saturday, 3 April 2004 16:53 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm a traditionalist at heart.

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 16:57 (twenty-one years ago)

I almost forgot about ile's brief thong fascination. (yes, yes, - I see the pun)

The T-shirt thing is dead on. I always see these cringe-worthy girl shirts for sale that say things like "Angel" "Princess" "Daddy's Girl" "30% Available" "Party Girl". I mean, just die. Please.

― Kim (Kim), Saturday, 3 April 2004 17:23 (twenty-one years ago)

THONGS

― Lil' Won Jilliams (ex machina), Saturday, 3 April 2004 17:25 (twenty-one years ago)

thank you

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 17:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I saw a woman at Oxford Circus with a T-shirt that said 'Tits or face?' (might have been 'would you to cum on these?'. You get the idea). I nearly dropped my coffee.

Thongs and whips and chains all leave me cold.

― Dave B (daveb), Saturday, 3 April 2004 19:09 (twenty-one years ago)

i've never had a guy tell me my gstrings leave him cold. quite the opposite.

what about shirts that say "I fucked your girlfriend"

― Ask For Samantha (thatgirl), Saturday, 3 April 2004 19:11 (twenty-one years ago)

only good if worn by a guy at this point.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 3 April 2004 19:13 (twenty-one years ago)

All 'attitude' t-shirts should be thrown on a bonfire immediately. The clothing version of Calvin-peeing-on-a-Ford-logo.

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Saturday, 3 April 2004 19:14 (twenty-one years ago)

"SPOILED ROTTEN"

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 3 April 2004 19:15 (twenty-one years ago)

i hate the calvin stickers.

especially the one where he's praying at the cross.

― Ask For Samantha (thatgirl), Saturday, 3 April 2004 19:15 (twenty-one years ago)

"BURN IN HELL"

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 3 April 2004 19:15 (twenty-one years ago)

sometimes i wish iraq really DID have a(n aesthetically conscious) WMD that could be dropped on american college towns and instantly eradicate all traces of porn-lite "culture"

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 3 April 2004 19:18 (twenty-one years ago)

The one good thing about going to a conservative school is that people stick to the boring JC Penny fall fashions for teens.

― Lil' Won Jilliams (ex machina), Saturday, 3 April 2004 19:29 (twenty-one years ago)

somewhat related, this girl in a luxury SUV had "treat me like the princess I am" written on her car. curiously, it didn't make me want to treat her like royally, but instead made me want to pummel the living poo out of her.

― oops (Oops), Saturday, 3 April 2004 20:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Glittery high heel shoes.. or just any pedestal raising of shoes in general.

― donut bitch (donut), Saturday, 3 April 2004 20:30 (twenty-one years ago)

DB, you madman, you would have ruined a huge part of the appeal of the Sweet.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Saturday, 3 April 2004 20:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Belly chains x 10129129091201092
Those tops with the swooping neckline that usually expose the midriff on girls who have battleship tits

― Lil' Won Jilliams (ex machina), Saturday, 3 April 2004 20:33 (twenty-one years ago)

MY GOD I miss Graham.

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 3 April 2004 22:34 (twenty-one years ago)

Can we take the gigantic-breasted flatmate and run with her?

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 3 April 2004 22:35 (twenty-one years ago)

over the mountains, we will build a home. i'll get a job in the local store, it won't be much but it's honest. we'll be happy. on my deathbed I'll say "do you still love me" and she'll say "of course" as my romantic death rattle fills the cave with love

― poet for our times (Ronan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 22:40 (twenty-one years ago)

Ronan909: i really need a date!"
Ronan909: big breasted girl I LOVE YOU
Dubplatestyle: haha
Ronan909: THE OTHER WEEMEN, ZEY ARE LIKE GOATS TO ME

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 22:46 (twenty-one years ago)

will you marry me, Roney?

― Talcynuts (Bryan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 22:47 (twenty-one years ago)

my parents used to call me Roney.

yes, the other ilxors are like putrid goats to me now.

― Ronan (Ronan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 22:48 (twenty-one years ago)

always with the goats

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Saturday, 3 April 2004 22:48 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.sagewomanherbs.com/images/product_pics/thumbnails/aahornygoatsmall.jpg

― Talcynuts (Bryan), Saturday, 3 April 2004 22:52 (twenty-one years ago)

I go off to my concert with a surprising spring in my step!

― VengaDan Perry (Dan Perry), Saturday, 3 April 2004 23:22 (twenty-one years ago)

'I'm a virgin (this is a very old T-shirt)' - that is SOO FUNNY! But so was your other 'seal' T-shirt Ronan. I want to get a T-shirt that says 'Surfin' the net'. If anyone has one and they want to send it to me, write on this thread.

― a.r., Sunday, 4 April 2004 07:01 (twenty-one years ago)

Do you think this is funny?: change the front page of the book 'Chess for Dummies' so it says 'Chess *is* for dummies'. And then draw an arrow pointing to the picture of the 'dummy' and write 'This is you'.

― a.r., Sunday, 4 April 2004 07:03 (twenty-one years ago)

oh my god i had a crush on julian casablancas two years ago.

― The Lady Ms Lurex (lucylurex), Sunday, 4 April 2004 08:10 (twenty-one years ago)

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