Getting Rid of Evil Missonarys

Can I just say that Anthony vs The Missionaries is one of ILE's gratest subplots? You could get a fantastic cartoon out of it - each week The Missionaries come up with a devious plan to get at Anthony and each week they are thwarted with magnificent flagrancy on Anthony's sometimes unwitting part.

There was my friend in boston and this, what else ?

There are missionaries in Bsoton?I saw a disturbing bumber sticker in the parking lot that said "Straight form vermont" and has interlocking male female signs. Oh no honey! They are letting gays marry! Whats next, rap music on the television!?!?!?

I want one of those stickers .

Some of the best bits of white teeth (see book thread) are about a Jehova's Witness called Hortense. Very believable seeing as that's just what Witnesses in north london are likely to be called. unfornutnatel I have no funny story about getting rid of witnesses because just offering to read a watchtower will normally send em packing.

i was accosted on a train from waterloo by one of these dudes, i was in an enclosed space, so no escape. he started off and for some reason i actually bothered to respond and we discussed like the bible and shit. the weird thing was, i won! you never beat biblebashers, but after about 10 mins he was stumped, there was silence for about another minute and then he said..."so whats it like in your job then?" he totally changed the subject, i couldn't believe it!

I was once unfarily attacked by biblers. They were these two sexy girls! HOw could I resist! It seemed ironic that they would seduce me into abstinence. THey talked to me about easter for so long.

I've never had the real chance to tell anyone off properly -- too polite for some reason! -- but here's the dialog my old housemate James got into one day:

JAMES (answering door, having just been woken up, crabby): "Yes...?"

MORG DRONES: "Hi, we'd like to talk to you about the Book of Mormon."

JAMES (coldly): "Go away, I have a body in the trunk of my car."

MORG DRONES: "Um..."

JAMES (flatly, but very loud): "I HAVE A BODY IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR!"

MORG DRONES wordlessly flee.

We haven't been troubled since, I think. This has deprived me of possibly following through on a scenario described in an old issue of Volume, of all things:

"Answer the door naked. Fiddle with yourself. Shout "SATAN!" at the appropriate moment."

My friend and I saw one coming once, and rather than answering the door we just threw on Iron Maiden's Number of the Beast and pumped the old volume up to 11. Unfortunately, I doubt that the dude was farmiliar with Maiden's catalog, so he probably just figured we were lost teenages who needed his help.

Even better though, we used to call up Pat Robertson's legions on the 700 Club help line and terrorize them. Man it only takes a few abortion stories to make the fundamentalists hang up on you.

having a dog is always a good way to get rid of them. when i was very wee indeed this jehovah's witness came to the door and both me and my younger brother were bawling our heads off and my mother informed the caller that no, she was really quite busy and frankly not in the mood to be converted. she was closing the door and the jehovah's witness put his foot in it to prevent her closing it! that was when Byron (crap name for a canine i know... he was a rescue dog, thus not named by us) flew to the door and delivered a timely nip to the offending foot. he had never bit anyone else in his life, and never did after that either.

My mum taught me this: easy way to beat missionaries — KNOW YR BIBLE!! They don't, usually. All I know about the Latterday Saints comes from Mikal Gilmore — but even this = not a bad start.

My dad just says "Not today, thank you." and shuts the door. The only time I've been properly harrased was in Covent Garden after a gig, and the poor man seemed a bit inept when trying to convert my friend Ravinder, who is a Sikh.

like i already told ya (fake "foreign" accent) - "HE NO LIVE HERE. NO SPEAK ENGLISH, YOU PISS OFF NOW, NO YES?" Yeah knowing yr Bleib is good too if you can be bothered or you like arguing (i don't) - 1 time my buddy Bill was at our house when they came round & he was going pretty much fucking completely insane at the time - 48 hr manic highs, 4- or 5-hour monologues, mostly about religion & the occult...he knows the fuckin book real well - I left 'em with him & went into town. came back maybe an hour later & they were still there. Ha ha they desperately wtd to get away from him.

Ed, the Witnesses bits are some of the best parts of White Teeth. Zadie was at friend's party and we got talking about same because one of my grannies was a Witness too (she is KOOL and is doing a SS for my next anthology project).

Telling Witnesses you are a Seventh Day Adventist who has left the church is one good way of making them beat a hasty if they are ever on your doorstep. I usually get lumbered with evangelicals on public transport. I tell them that I'd happily convert except Beelzebub my Master wouldn't approve.

Back in my teenaged suburban years me and my friend Nellie, who lived across the street, had a flowchart to follow should the dread LDS/ Watchtower doorstepping event occur. We would warn each other the Cavalry approacheth, leaving us enough time to put on a parent's crusty bathrobe, apply MUDD masque and shower cap/frost'n'tip cap and in my case, raid my mum's cigarettte supplies for a prop. The doorbell would go and I would swing the door open to find your average old lady or future BYU studes on the steps, and go 'WHHAAAAAAAAAT!?' in a paintstripping White Trash yowl. Then call the next kid on the street to devise further torture.

Best way to be rid of unwanted door-knockers is to say, "Hang on a minute," then find whoever else yr living w/ and tell 'em, "It's for you."

THE BEST WAY IS WEARING A SKIRT AND A SODOMIZER T SHIRT but only if you are a boy
As well you can tell them you were exd

It's been a long time since I've felt like getting into religious arguments, and I don't really want to exactly, but I would kind of like it if I could sucker a door-knocker into sitting down so I could talk philosophy at them for 4 hours. As a kind of repayment for all the people they torture. Haven't had any at my door for a long time though.

WHy not let them in ? Arent you lonely? I am. I give them snacks.

I have always lived in places with a doorphone and I screen, so I don't really get bothered by them. However, here are some of the best stories I've heard...

My brother, who loves when Mormons come by, so he can look over his glasses at them and announce "Ah, yessss... the SALAMANDER!" and talks to them at great length about the glasses that the Salamander gave Mr. Smith to read the Book of Moron. I think that's his equivalent of baiting DumperTroll.

My granny, a devout atheist, would invite them in for tea and try with equal dedication and furvor, to convert them all to atheism. They would usually give up.

But the best one was... my friend's father, who happened to be an Anglican Bishop. He would say nothing about his occupation, but simply invite them in, sit them down in his study, listen to them talk, and then see the abject look of panic and fear as they slowly looked around his study, saw all his accountements of Bishophood, and slowly noticed where they were and who they were talking to. For added effect, he'd even put his dogcollar on.

My Dad loves baiting Jehovah's Witnesses. After a five minute chat he will suddenly stop and go "Hold up, aren't you the lot that thought the world was going to end in 1914."

The best reply to this he ever got was "Well, it was a pretty bad year."

Why does a religion which believes that only 144,000 people will go to heaven recruit?

Me and some mates and several hundred other people coming back from a festival on Saturday nite were bothered by three Bible Bashers on the central line. In retrospect I admire their bravery in standing up to a whole carriage who wanted to punch them but couldn't get it together enough to do so. Mind you, they had Jesus on their side. I was loudly arguing against them (me? Argue? Loudly? Surely not.....) and it all nearly ended in a satanic ritual on the tube as a means of shutting them up (they were singing 'uplifting' songs). I had to get off at Holborn, so who knows - maybe those crazy kids went on ahead and did it?

I was just thinking the other day about how people often put their faith in God that they wont crash, drown, get bit etc etc and when they dont they attribute it to GOd, not probability. I wonder what happens when people pray but then are screwed. DO they immediately become athiest?

They just say 'God moves in mysterious ways'. It's a no-lose situation for Him that way.

I once asked some Jehovah's Witnesses about this 144,000 thing and they said that only the 144,000 are going to the top level heaven, whilst all the other Jehovah's Witnesses will get to hang out at some sort of Nationwide League heaven, which is great, just not as good as the 144,000's place.

You Know what you do when lds missonary come to your door tell them you got your own church and they will go away and never came back I know thats what I did then I meet a memeber and she taught me about the church then I talked to the missonarys and were like best friends and now I'm a member of the churuch and I never had so much fun or been so happy in my life.

Fuck You Serena

Anthony, that wasn't very nice.

they pickup nickles and dimes around my washer on the porch and leave them piled by the door on one of their little pamphlets, like I'm either stupid for letting money fall on my porch, or somebody might steal it, or that they are honest and didn't want me to think they took it, but mostly it seems like some lame-ass excuse to perpetuate guilt...again.

I think that Jews for Jesus should be thrown onto subway tracks, just to see if you really shouldn't touch the third rail. They also don't like it when you tell them that they're fake Jews. Or quote the Torah or the Kabbalah to them.

Anyway, there's a Jewish group that tails the J4J nowadays, handing out pamphlets telling people what a bunch of cultie fakes they are.

tad, i gotta say i don't think anyone is gonna back you up on this one.

The best, fastest, most convenient and easy to remember way to get rid of those freakin' thumpers that I've ever heard of is simple: You look the thumper square in the eye and ask them for their home address. They will ask why,... and when they do, you explain oh-so- sweetly that it's so you can come to THEIR home and convert THEIR family to your religion. This stops them dead in their tracks and they will beat a hasty retreat. Heh heh heh.

Tell A puritan he's going to hell and see their reaction.