Fool-Proof Recipes

Piercing a film lid is quite good fun and good for releasing pent up aggression.

A FRIED EGG SANDWICH!

Get a pan. Pour in a little puddle of oil. Put it on the thing that makes the pan hot, that would be called a HOB. Then go and get an EGG. If the oil isn't making funny noises, go and get out two slices of white bread! When it starts to make some sizzling noises actually it may be a bit too hot chiz. But give it 20 secs at least. THEN! Crack the egg on the side of the pan WOOSH! Open up the egg and let it FLOW into the PAN! When it goes solidly white it is cooked RAH then put it between the slices of BREAD num num num.

Oh you wanted something HEALTHY? Aahahahaha.

CHRIS'S LUVVERLY ONION TART:

Take 3 red onions and slice into thin half moons (you know what I mean) and put into a frying pan that has had a good knob of butter added accompanied by a dash of olive oil to stop the butter from burning. Chuck the onions in on a medium heat and stir occasionally (not too often or they won't caramelise, not too little or they'll burn) add a couple of cloves of garlic (crushed) after about five minutes along with salt, pepper and a teaspoon of sugar (which helps caramelisation. When I did this on New years day I left it abpout an hour! so they went good and juicy.

in a separate pan, simply fry a couple of leeks, sliced, in butter and oil for about ten minutes so they still have a little bite to them.

Put the leeks on to the pastry first, spread out then top with the onions (a nice addition here is some brie or camembert which makes the whole thing richer) a little more salt and pepper and put in an oven for about 15 minutes (or until the pastry is risen and crispy (egg wash will make it go golden). Oven should be around 200 degrees.

Chris (or anyone), have you got Carsmile Steve's phone number? Would you text him to say the email I sent him with v.important old lasy information has got bounced back saying his mailbox is ass?

Ingredients: one (1) stick BUTTER

Directions: Unwrap BUTTER. Serves one.

Crack two eggs into a SAUCEPANG. Wooh MY PRETTIES. Then get some milk! Pour some in! Not a lot though! For about two long seconds. Put it on the HEAT. Then get a WOODEN SPOONG, and perhaps it will not do much for a while but stir it about anyway it will make you look VIRTUOUS. Then some soild bits will happen! GOSH. Stir it more so the liquidy bits swoosh throughout the pan. THEN QUICK! PUT ON THE TOAST NOW! Woosh about more until it looks like scrambled eggs. TAKE IT OFF THE HEAT! Butter the toast! Quick quick! Then put the eggs on the toast MMMM nummy and then wash up the pan so it doesn't go mingy egg sticky. I AM A GENIUS. Oh yeah and in the pan you should add a sprinkle of pepper too but it is not bad if you forget under the pressure (I often do). You may add it afterwards.

TONIGHT I am making grilled peppers and onions and garlic and lemong with cous cous BWAHA ph34r me (and my email print off with instructions in "idiot proof" though I bet I will still fcuk something up yay).

David, my standby (OK, staple) is pasta and pesto. You can get pesto in a jar easily and you only need about a desertspoon of it - just stir in when pasta is cooked. Home made / deli pesto is much nicer if you afford it. If I can be bothered I might slowly fry a thinly sliced red onion in olive oil and add that too. Grate fresh parmesan over it. Num num.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm, food.

ALSO fried egg sammiches are yummu when you fry them in BUTTER instead of oil as RickyT has tort me HOORAY (I still cannot be arsed buying butter though as it is hard to spread on toast).

Brown sauce = egg sarnies, sossidge sarnies, ketchup = bacon sarnies.

What's the deal with "catsup"?

Absolutely Necessary Ingredients:
One medium yellow onion (chopped up small)
A couple little garlic clove things (also chopped up small - as many as you like but I find 3 is best)
Enough olive oil to coat the bottom of a medium saucepot (this isn't much, we're not talking deep frying, we're talking a small amount, like a teaspoon or two)
One 16-oz can of diced/crushed tomatoes (they make them with spicy fiesta mexican seasoning now, that makes it a little more spicy if you like that, otherwise regular is fine)
One 16-oz can of red beans
One little can of diced chili peppers (they're real small, I don't know the size but they're not large cans)
One packet of chili mix from the grocery store

Optional Ingredients That Make It Taste Even Better:
1 small can diced/sliced black olives
1 medium green or red pepper
1 chili pepper type thing (in addition to the canned one!)

How To Do It: Chop up all the stuff that needs to be chopped (garlic, onions, peppers if you're putting them in). Put a little olive oil in medium size pot and heat up. When it gots hot, put in the garlic and onions and cook for a few minutes, they should get tender and the onions will be a little translucent. Throw in tomatoes. Cook that for a minute, then throw in beans, canned chili and any option ingredients you want at this point. Simmer that up for a while, making sure you keep stirring so that nothing sticks to the bottom. This should go for like 5 minutes (I time it by smoking, to be honest). Then you put in the chili power and stir til the power is thoroughly mixed in, not grainy and nasty. This will make it thick. All in all, it takes about twenty minutes, including chop time.

Then you can throw on sour cream, cheese, salsa, eat with tortilla chips, etc. It's delicious AND fast!

Why not just replace all the ingredients with "One tin of chili from the grocery store" and then the recipe is "open tin, warm it up a bit"

Actually, you can substitute "chili mix" with seasoned salt, pepper, tumeric, paprika, cayanne pepper, crushed red pepper, and onion powder in whatever amounts you feel are appropriate. (I tend to go HEAVY on tumeric, cayanne pepper, and crushed red pepper, medium on seasoned salt and regular pepper, and light on paprika and onion powder.)

World's Easiest Chili Recipe: White Chicken Chili (all measurements approximate, change at will)

First broil or bake or brown up 4-6 chicken breasts, or use Boston Market leftovers or their UK equivalent. This is the only actual work required for the recipe so just come up with some cooked chicken, okay? Shred it into bite-sized pieces.

In a stewpot, dump about 48 oz of white beans (great northern beans?) *without* draining off liquid -- dump it all in. Add between 1/2 and whole jar of salsa of your choice, add 1 cup water, and chix. Heat until simmering. Toss in bunches of shredded Monterey Jack cheese and several cups of frozen corn. Season to taste; I add 1Tb cumin or chili powder. Heat & stir until all is melty and peachy colored and YUMMY. Eat with crusty bread and extra cheese until you are sucked into a beautiful FOOD COMA and must lie down for a nap.

And I was going to ask about that onion tart "pastry" thing - the description had me imagining myself biting into a cooked half-onion. That would not bring about any desired results.

right, all you need to do is buy pre-prepared puff pastry (chiller cabinet in supermarket) unravel this on to a floured baking tray and score a border an inch in all the way around, then prick the middle liberally with a fork. Job done on the pastry front.

Toast with peanut butter and honey: Put bread in toaster. Take out bread. Put on peanut butter and honey. Yum.

Ramen noodles with chili sauce: Come to my house. Steal chili sauce, or substitute pathetic storebought sort. Boil water and make Ramen noodles. Put chili sauce in microwave, then put on Ramen noodles.

Ramen noodles with the sauce made out of that little packet thing taht comes in the package: Boil water and make Ramen noodles. Put powder in packet on and put in a little bit of milk and stir. It smells funny but it is good.

Ramen noodles with cheese: Er, I bet you can figure this one out.

Ramen noodles with peanut butter sauce: Mix up peanut butter with garlic powder and water or milk on stove. Make ramen noodles. Put sauce on them.

I'm great at helping people to prepare something for cooking, but beyond that, I find myself pondering more than actually cooking.

Put noodles in bowl with 2/3 cup of water, microwave for 5 minutes, stir in orange powdery stuff, and you have a heavenly meal. Mmm.

Admittedly, my biggest problem in terms of cooking food is the lack of folks to partake of it with me. My roomy's tastes are quite pedestrian - his meals usually come out of either a mayonnaise jar or a freezer bag. Surely my lust for cooking would be satisfied were I cooking for more than 1. But, damn it, I can't wait no more!

Anyone w/ recipes for fish?

And yes, if you want to add meat,you throw it in when Dan says, after you sautee the onions and garlic. I am a vegetarian thus don't use it. HOWEVER if you are also vegetarian, you can throw in ground soy meat, which is also pretty good in this recipe. The key to using soy meat is to use it in really flavorful things, like chili or spaghetti sauce, and stew it for a while so that it soaks up flavor.

try this :

http://www.mit.edu/people/wchuang/cooking/Indian.html

or

http://www.mvspices.com/

or http://www.indolink.com/Recipe/

LEMON-MISO DRESSING

Blend 1 1/2 tablespoons of white/sweet/light/yellow miso and 1/4 cup of lemon juice (by hand or in a blender; if you like, you can just put them in a screw-top jar and shake hard for a while). Then blend in 3 tablespoons of extra virgin olive oil. Shake shake shake. You want to turn this into an emulsion.

This makes the flavor of EVERYTHING come to life, and a tiny bit goes a long way. Cook some rice, steam some vegetables, put a dribble of this on top, and be ridiculously healthy. Great on salads, too.

MISO-SQUASH SOUP

Chop up 2 cups' worth of winter squash (butternut, delicato, etc.) into cubes. (You can leave the peel on if you like.) Stick it in a pot with a chopped-up onion, 4 or 5 cups of water, and 2-4 pieces of wakame (you can get it at your local Asian market--trust me, this MAKES the soup). Bring it to a boil and then simmer it for 20 minutes or so, until the squash is soft. Dissolve 1 or 2 tablespoons of miso into the soup, simmer a minute more, and serve it with sliced scallions for garnish.

BLACK BEAN SOUP

Put two cups of dry black beans in a bowl with water to cover them by at least five inches. Leave them there overnight.

Drain the beans and cover them with fresh water in a pot. Add 4-6 sprigs of fresh cilantro, 2 bay leaves, and 4 cloves of garlic that you've peeled but left whole. Bring the whole thing to a boil, lower the heat and cover. Cook them until they're soft. It'll be at least an hour, maybe two, so go do something else for a while.

When the beans are beginning to get soft, saute a chopped-up onion and four chopped-up cloves of garlic in a big soup pan with a tablespoon or two of olive oil and a tablespoon of ground cumin. After a couple of minutes, sprinkle them with salt, add a chopped-up carrot or two and stir to coat them with the spice. Keep stirring for 5 or 10 minutes-- until the onion pieces are soft and translucent.

Then remove whatever strands of cilantro are obvious in the beans and put in the vegetables. Thin with water to whatever consistency you like, and cook for another 20 minutes to blend flavors. Serve with chopped parsley or scallions or sour cream or whatever you like.

CARROT/TOFU SCRAMBLE

Put some rice on to cook first (rice cookers are WONDERFUL THINGS).

Peel and coarsely grate a pound of carrots (food processors are ALSO WONDERFUL THINGS). In a big skillet or wok, heat a couple of tablespoons of oil over medium heat; put in the carrots and stir them a lot for 15 minutes. (It helps to have a Misfits record on in the background while you do this.) Then crumble in a pound of extra-firm tofu and stir it some more for five minutes.

Stir in 1/3 cup of soy sauce and 1/3 cup of sesame seeds. Cook one more minute. Stir in a teaspoon of sesame oil (a tiny bit goes a long way), turn off the heat, and serve it on top of the rice.

PS, Tracer: TUMERIC!

Brian MacDonald's Fucking Amazing (And Fucking Vegan) Potato Tacos (based loosely on a recipe originally by Stripey)

INGREDIENTS:

• Four medium YUKON GOLD potatoes
• A tablespoon of margarine
• water
• sugar (optional)
• Kosher salt
• Ground black pepper
• A package of SPICE HUNTER fajita seasoning
• Regular Tabasco sauce
• Paprika
• Turmeric (note the ACCURATE spelling)
• Tortillas/taco shells/taco type condiments of your choice

TOOLS:

• A modestly big ass boiling pot
• A modestly big ass bowl for potato mashing
• A potato masher
• A non-scraping spatula
• A large skillet
• A potato scrubber (optional... or if you're having a stressful day)

Directions:

Bonus eating jokes.

1. How do you get 500 babies into the trunk of a car? Blender. How do you get them out? Tostitos.

2. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

Sup

Mock Duck Pancakes for Vegetarians:

Can of mock duck from Chinatown of your choice. 10-20 Chinese pancakes.

One cucumber, cut into batons 2 inches by 1/4 inch long or so, lengthways.

Five spring onions cut into similar batons.

Hoisin sauce.

Garlic, sesame oil, sunflower oil.

Okay, in the pan you need to put in a mix of oils, enough to coat the pan. When the pan is hot enough, add the mock duck pieces, cut small and thin (I actually use a scissors). Add a few cloves of chopped garlic and a teaspoon of hoisin sauce, plus a shot glass full of water. When the water has cooked off, construct pancakes by spooning the mock duck mix onto a pancake as needed, adding cucumber and onion. Spoon more hoisin over the top and roll up. Eat. Repeat process until you are full.

Gosh I love my email address btw.

For no sesame oil instead sprinkle some soy sauce on the duckie after the garlic part but before the teaspoon of hoisin (plum sauce). You will definitely need the hoisin, though, so no cheating. It's also phenomenal on prawn crackers from the takeaway.

*droools*

Blimey theres a lot of it, innit. Gulp!

put some groundnut (or any flavourless oil - god i sound like Delia) in a small-ish pan. heat it up a bit and add (all measures are APPROXIMATE as usual)

1 tsp black mustard seeds 1/2 tsp cumin seeds 1/2 tsp fenugreek seeds 1 chopped dried chilli or 1/2 fresh chilli (don't bother deseeding it - you want it to be HOT! if you don't have dried or fresh chillies put a bit of chili powder in with the other spices later on in the method!)

and fry them till they go *pop* (about 30 secs - 1 min). then add i can of chickpeas and 1 clove crushed garlic. stir it all around. then add powdered spices to taste, i like:

1/2 tsp cumin 1/2 tsp garam masala 1/2 tsp turmeric, for lovely yellow colour, though if you like red chick peas you can have paprika instead) 1/2 tsp curry powder 1/2 tsp corriander

then just fy them for about 5 minutes more, letting the spices coat the chick peas. serve with bread or rice or if you are my boyfwiend salad cream.

hurrah for chick peas!!

*hides*.

The priority of these steps surely need to be reversed.

And think of the multiple uses as you and Hannibal Lecter face off in an Iron Chef episode -- BATTLE EMERIL!

Here's an easy recipe for practicing your knife technique :

1) clean three smallish carrots.

2) slice them as thin as possible -- length-wise, width-wise, diagonally, however you feel like it, just so long as all the pieces are thin and similarly sized.

3) cut a lemon in half and squeeze a little bit of lemon juice over the carrot slices. (do not use canned/bottled lemon juice it's too harsh)

4) taste a lemon-carrot

5) If it's too sour, you might want to add a bit of powdered sugar (just a tiny bit) or some rasins. Mix until the sugar dissolves into the juice.

6) try to cut only the top-most, yellow layer of the lemon peel off of the lemon -- without cutting off the white part beneath it. If you do cut some of the white part, try to scrape if off of the yellow peel. All you need is a little bit of the yellow peel -- maybe five little strips. Mix those in with the juice/carrots (+ optional sugar and/or rasins).

7)ta-da! You have a nifty little salad-snack. Eat. Yum.

Which reminds me. In terms of simple, fool-proof recipes, Ed Espe Brown's "Tassajara Cookbook" is one of the best. Most of his recipes are veggie-friendly, five ingredients or less, and minimal cooking. Check it out from your local public library. E-bay has a few copies, too.

"STEAMED BROCCOLI

Broccoli

Steam it."

My favorite recipe, from my Languages of Africa prof:

2 c orange lentils 1 t salt 1/4 c oil 1/4 c tomatoes (peeled and chopped) 1 large onion (chopped) 1 t fresh ginger (grated & chopped) 1 t garlic (crushed) 1 t ground coriander, turmeric, cumin seeds (pounded) & cardamon seed (pounded) 1 t chili pepper or 1/2 t cayenne pepper Boil water, add salt, cook lentils until tender. Drain. Fry onions in oil, add remaining ingredients. Simmer for a few minutes, then add lentils. Heat until thick and serve hot.

Very easy and very flavorful, especially if you tend to overshoot the spice recommendations in any given recipe... (I do.)

toast one side of bread under a hot grill.

put cheese on untoasted side of bread.

grill until cheese almost bubbles.

season to taste.

He's got that magic voodoo pimp touch. Take the keys to my Cadillac. Here, fuck my wife.

"Onions! Magic beyond compare. onion goes with almost anything including watermelon: picks up tired dishes, sweetens greens, beefs up sauces, zests salads. But consider who is being served. Raw onion in particularl does not suit everyone's taste".

How goes the cooking then Daver?