The Chill Felt All Across Iowa

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

First they came for the buffets, and I said nothing

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Sunday, 7 May 2006 23:59 (nineteen years ago)

next thing I knew they were telling me I didn't have a god-given right to drink 120 ounces of coke before breakfast

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 00:00 (nineteen years ago)

I say fuck the Dershems

― paulhw (paulhw), Monday, 8 May 2006 00:06 (nineteen years ago)

what kinda commie bastard are you, tellin' people they can't just throw plates of food away? they paid for it! it's political correctness gone mad I tell you

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 00:10 (nineteen years ago)

Oh SNAP. This story makes me happy all over.

― The Jazz Guide to Penguins on Compact Disc (Rock Hardy), Monday, 8 May 2006 00:15 (nineteen years ago)

Of course, none of you have bothered to consider the spring rolls' sides of the story. Typical ILX.

― DOQQUN (donut), Monday, 8 May 2006 00:28 (nineteen years ago)

if only the schools had explained to the kids that the crab rangoon doesn't really have so much crab in it, this tragedy might never have occurred

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 00:39 (nineteen years ago)

There's an implicit motherfucking contract at an all-you-can eat: you take what you think you might sorta reasonably eat. You know the restauranteurs' margins. I call those Dershems pick-fuckers.

― paulhw (paulhw), Monday, 8 May 2006 00:52 (nineteen years ago)

did they teach you to talk like that at FASCIST SCHOOL

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 01:00 (nineteen years ago)

"How DARE you tell me I'm supposed to teach my kids good manners and good behavior!?"

― The Jazz Guide to Penguins on Compact Disc (Rock Hardy), Monday, 8 May 2006 01:03 (nineteen years ago)

goddammit we live in a country of BOUNTY and we're just CELEBRATING THAT

― raw like sufjan (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 8 May 2006 01:06 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.gonemovies.com/WWW/MyWebFilms/Oorlog/ApocalypseKilgore1.jpg

FUCKING SAVAGES

― Jimmy Mod is a super idol of The MARS SPIRIT (The Famous Jimmy Mod), Monday, 8 May 2006 01:08 (nineteen years ago)

if somebody tries to stop me from shoveling hot moo goo gai pan directly from my plate into the trash I consider that a violation the free exercise of religion clause

I got lawyers

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 01:22 (nineteen years ago)

Why did they pay? If you're kicking me out, good luck getting me to pay the check.

― milo z (mlp), Monday, 8 May 2006 01:30 (nineteen years ago)

they paid in advance, no?

― electric sound of jim (and why not) (electricsound), Monday, 8 May 2006 01:33 (nineteen years ago)

I think the article was shooting for a nice narrative closure, but yeah, $5.95 buffet in Des Moines = if you didn't pay up front, then you probably snuck in through the kitchen

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 01:36 (nineteen years ago)

I used to eat in a place like that where you paid at the end, so not necessarily.

― milo z (mlp), Monday, 8 May 2006 01:50 (nineteen years ago)

I am the owner of the restaurant in Des Moines. It was pay-up-front. Now can we please get back to the roffles instead of discussing whether rude families pay up front or not. I had a stressful day and can really use the roffles. Thank you.

― Chinese Restaurant Owner Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 02:04 (nineteen years ago)

but what if the spring roll had been a human foetus or a baby seal, then what? Huh, HUH?!???

― timmy tannin (pompous), Monday, 8 May 2006 02:11 (nineteen years ago)

Man, this is too funny, especially since it seems like the owners were more throwing them out on principle than because they were actually losing that much money (I mean I don't think so -- they probably couldn't be losing that much on a few egg rolls).

― Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Monday, 8 May 2006 02:31 (nineteen years ago)

Have you seen American whiteys lately? It's the local habit to stack a plate (as is ritually required), try one of 'em, then dump the stack.

― paulhw (paulhw), Monday, 8 May 2006 03:13 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.mackron.com/random/chopstickskillliberty.jpg

― DOQQUN (donut), Monday, 8 May 2006 07:19 (nineteen years ago)

paulhw otm, watching ppl at the buffet is like watching two-year-olds at the pixie stick factory

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 10:19 (nineteen years ago)

I went to a buffet (american) yesterday with the inlaws and ye gods was it horrible. $9.50 a head and I couldn't find anything enjoyable beyond some fresh pineapple, which was pretty much all I had. My husband kept getting a plate of food and then eating like a third of it because it was just so shit, then repeat in a futile quest to find something edible. I felt bad about the food wasted but it was obviously grade z and couldn't have cost that much. This place was inexplicably doing booming business.

Not that that has any bearing on this story, obv this family were repeat customers and should know exactly what dishes they like and how much they could handle, wtf.

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 8 May 2006 11:55 (nineteen years ago)

Teeny, was this place called B4rnh!ll's?

― The Jazz Guide to Penguins on Compact Disc (Rock Hardy), Monday, 8 May 2006 11:57 (nineteen years ago)

Teeny, I often resort to the fruit at hotel breakfast buffets, too. French toast that's been on a steam-table tray for three hours? Scrambled eggs going crusty at the edges? Nein, danke.
All-you-can-eat food is always awful, isn't it? I would think everybody would be dumping their full plates of food, not just the Dershams.
The Dershams are going to outlive us all by virtue of their healthy shunning of Omega-6 larded crap.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 8 May 2006 12:17 (nineteen years ago)

I avoid buffets like the plague, except Indian restaurant lunchtime buffet, that can be good

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 12:18 (nineteen years ago)

Oh yes!

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 8 May 2006 12:31 (nineteen years ago)

theres a pretty good brazilian buffet out on roswell road

― -+-+-+++- (ooo), Monday, 8 May 2006 12:33 (nineteen years ago)

and yeah i always clean my plate before getting another unless its something so inedibly nasty i cant stomach it (this rarely happens)

― -+-+-+++- (ooo), Monday, 8 May 2006 12:33 (nineteen years ago)

my favorite buffet of all time is still athens' sorely-missed down home cooking (RIP)

― -+-+-+++- (ooo), Monday, 8 May 2006 12:34 (nineteen years ago)

It was a Ryan's steakhouse.

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 8 May 2006 13:00 (nineteen years ago)

ryans is not so bad

― -+-+-+++- (ooo), Monday, 8 May 2006 13:02 (nineteen years ago)

I assure you it was. My husband did find the steak edible though, although this may say more for his preference in steak (extra well and drowned in ketchup).

― teeny (teeny), Monday, 8 May 2006 13:04 (nineteen years ago)

my friend told me a story about the soft serve machine at ryans having MAGGOTS in the ice cream!!!!

― -+-+-+++- (ooo), Monday, 8 May 2006 13:07 (nineteen years ago)

tho it happened to like his cousins boyfriends mom or some other weird foaf scenario i cant verify

― -+-+-+++- (ooo), Monday, 8 May 2006 13:08 (nineteen years ago)

"could I have the chili, only this time with not so much mouse"

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 13:27 (nineteen years ago)

john you live in nc now right? hows eats up there??

― -+-+-+++- (ooo), Monday, 8 May 2006 13:29 (nineteen years ago)

well I'm a vegetarian y'know - a LOT more options out here than in Iowa though. I do love being able to have grits whenever I like

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 14:47 (nineteen years ago)

I think I'll stick with the regular menu.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 8 May 2006 14:49 (nineteen years ago)

you can tell whether a person has a soul or not by how much he likes grits

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 14:54 (nineteen years ago)

and you can tell whether a person knows how to have fun if he or she uses uneaten grits of soulless person as a post-prandial frisbee

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 8 May 2006 14:58 (nineteen years ago)

buffets are the worst worst WORST

― Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Monday, 8 May 2006 15:01 (nineteen years ago)

i have looked into his soul, and i can see he likes grits

― -+-+-+++- (ooo), Monday, 8 May 2006 15:02 (nineteen years ago)

i like luby's a lot!

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 8 May 2006 15:03 (nineteen years ago)

i wonder when the last time was that gwb ate at a luby's.

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 8 May 2006 15:03 (nineteen years ago)

omg luby's is going upscale!!! - http://www.lubys.com/

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 8 May 2006 15:04 (nineteen years ago)

my only real rule about these places is that if the plates of lemon merengue pie are saran-wrapped, i do not go back

― Tracey Hand (tracerhand), Monday, 8 May 2006 15:07 (nineteen years ago)

i have looked into his soul, and i can see he likes grits

I have to admit that I would vote for a candidate who said this of someone

― Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Monday, 8 May 2006 15:28 (nineteen years ago)

Most of the grits I've eaten ever have been at Waffle Houses on a road trip in the past.

Should I have grit guilt?

― DOQQUN (donut), Monday, 8 May 2006 22:46 (nineteen years ago)

i have soul, but i hate fun

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Monday, 8 May 2006 23:07 (nineteen years ago)

theres a pretty good brazilian buffet out on roswell road

There was a Brazilian buffet here on Martha's Vineyard, too, but it's not all-you-can-eat, it's pay-by-the-pound. They weigh your plate, you eat it, get more, they weigh it again, etc. So you need to really clean your plate before getting seconds.
Thay have this yummy casserole, like a Brazilian chicken lasagna. And great grilled meat. The feijoada has way more pig's feet than I prefer—the Minas Gerais style. I like the Bahian feijoada, with carne seca.

― Beth Parker (Beth Parker), Monday, 8 May 2006 23:14 (nineteen years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.