When elderly relatives decline

My grandmother passed away last October. Her illness and decline happened rather quickly (she'd been hiding it). She died of esphogial(?) cancer only a few weeks after she was diagnosed.

The sudden illness and quick death were devasting to us. I lost the very stressful job I had at the time simply b/c I couldn't keep my mind on it. (I was still in a 6mth probation period so couldn't take leave). My aunt and my grandmother shared a large parcel of land, each with their own house. My grandmother left quite a bit of debt so my aunt chose to sell that house and half of the land to cover everything. This pissed my mother off (who had no say in it per the will) and they really aren't talking anymore.

Just this week my aunt managed to sell her own house and move to another city. Seeing other people in my grandmother's house was killing her.

Hmm, not very positive.

You'd be surprised, no matter what they say otherwise, how money and legal issues will divide family. In mine I think it was more an issue of pride/ego rather than actual money. (as in who was entrusted w/the estate). It's helpful if parents discuss this with their offspring before they get sick so no one's in for any surprises.

My grandmother was fairly young and lucky b/c my aunt always lived next to her and took care of her. My mother. . .not so much. I feel no sympathy for my mom being "cut out" and in fact her behavior has driven us further apart. This is not good b/c she has some fairly serious illnesses and may not make it to 60. I realize I have some emotional timebombs to come.

My aunt and I are basically the only ones trying to keep the family together. We put on Xmas, cooking all the things my grandmother did, and made everyone come. No one else seems to care. Stay close to those in your extended family, esp if you're an only child, because you will need each other in the future.

i had this exact situation. mail me if you like, presuming you know my mail address.

i'll try post something on here later, if not

The number one piece of advice that I can give you is to divide and conquer: This realm of the law is often fraught with emotions, some deeply-rooted and very old. Be her grandson, be your mother's son, and let someone that you trust deal with the legal end of it. Smart lawyers seldom handle their own family issues like this b/c of the high emotional content - the saying is "A person who represents themselves has a fool for a client."

As for supporting your mother, make sure that 1) you start saving right now if this is a real issue. Seriously. Start today. 2) Have a conversation asap with your mother about the reliquishment of any property that she might have, and get her to make out a will, a durable power of atty, an advanced medial directive, and, if applicable, a trust document to help deal with the passing of property b/t generations.

I have numerous opinions on the issue with your grandmother, as this related to the type of law that I want to practice, but I am hesitant to give advice without knowing more about the actual case, and without my having a license. Your uncle is very smart to talk with an attorney, however - the crossroads of medical care, elder law, and succession of property is a tricky field to navigate, and, as the one piece of advice I WILL give you, if this friend of your uncle doesn't practice this type of law, find someone who does.

For what its worth, and I know that you aren't looking for sympathy, the mere fact that you are asking these questions and that you are concerned should help aleviate your guilt.

Miss Misery, I am a bit wary of the legal issues affecting my mom and uncle's relationship--so far it seems to have brought them closer together, since my grandmother entrusted almost nothing to either of them and remains in deep denial of her situation, but I'm aware of how critical my mom can get (for example) when other people don't follow her instructions, and there's definitely potential for a schism there. Since my uncle's nearby, he's been the one handling the majority of all the issues, which my mom recognizes and is very grateful for, so perhaps that will help prevent future strife, fingers crossed. I admire you for working to keep your family together, it must be very hard.

Charlton, I used to know your address, but I don't think I do anymore. I'll try looking for it.

B.L.A.M, thanks for your advice. I don't know about the intricacies of the case legally, only that my uncle's friend (not sure if he specializes in this, or even if my uncle's paying for this advice) advises that the best option is to get my grandmother declared incompetent by the courts. This way there's a chance of saving the farm I think, though my mom and uncle will apparently still need to pay for her care up until that date (should it work) and will likely have to sell it anyway to do this.

After my mom returned from spending a traumatizing Xmas there, perhaps luckily for me she was adamant that she will sign over her property to me asap and plan to give me power of attorney in hopes that medicare can pay for nursing home care when she's older--she's at retirement age now but is still working and will have to keep working since she's got nothing set aside. It's good to know to bring up getting an advanced medical directive, trust document etc and I'm sure she and I will discuss plans next time I'm visiting.

My grandmother's tried any number of tactics to get my uncle to take her back home, the latest being to threaten suicide. Needless to say, this is upsetting to me, though my mom thinks this is a manipulative gesture on her part and that she's not really serious--we've all experienced even in happier times how she will pull out all the dramatic stops to get her way. Last week after more suicide threats she was transferred to a place specializing in elderly psychiatric care, so we hope this will help. I've had a big desire lately to go there to see her and stay for a few days, even if she's really out of it, since I think it's important in case it's my last chance to say goodbye. The only thing stopping me from going is lack of funds. I have no idea of the timeframe for these things if the farm were to be lost. It just seems like the loss is happening, or threatening, all at once!

Do whatever you can to go there and spend time with her. Later, you'll be glad you made the effort.

Totally. And, like I said above, take it one thing at a time, regardless of how intertwined the issues may seem.

Thanks again, guys. I'd go tomorrow but it may be a couple months before I'm able to get there. Hopefully things will be better by then.

charltonlido, I have emailed you, I think.

you got mail