Useless skills

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

I have perfected the art of interacting with women in such a way that other people think that we are either romantically involved or at least that the woman in question fancies me, when in fact neither is the case. This is a spectacularly useless skill.

What stupid things are you highly proficient at?

― N., Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Utterly pointless new answer.

― N., Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I AM GOOD AT SEEING ANIMALS IN THE DARK

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I can stare into space for hours. I try not to, though.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I've never thought that of you and - if you read the subtext of what you are saying - you have perfected the art of appearing third hand incredible attractive to women. Isn't that a bit arrogant (however you try and push this perception on tho other people).

Sarah thinks you are evil anyway, so I don't think she fancies you.

I have perfected the art of making countless spelling and typographical errors on ILE.

― Pete, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

According to Peter Miller on this spectacularly unpopular ILM thread of mine, perfecting pointless skills is itself ladymagnetic, so you're stuck in a bit of a vicious circle there, N..

― Edna Welthorpe, Mrs, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I realise now that what I have written could sound arrogant. In my defence I will say that it is a) not that true (or at least only based on two examples) and b) the point is that these women don't fancy me. But if I fancy them, then the fact that other people say things like 'oh, but you looked so good together' makes it all the more crappy for me. See?

― N., Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

i can tell you more then you need to know about art .

― anthony, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sarah thinks you are evil anyway, so I don't think she fancies you.

This is a complete non sequitur, btw. Not that I think Sarah fancies me. God, can I just shake off this ridiculous 'I think I'm it' badge that you seem to have pinned upon me. It's infecting my BRANE.

― N., Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

God, can I just shake off this ridiculous 'I think I'm it' badge that you seem to have pinned upon me.

Just undo it, Nick. Shaking like that is only going to put a hole in your jumper.

― Michael Jones, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I HAVE THE ABILITY TO READ NICK DASTOOR'S MIND, AND RIGHT NOW HE IS IMAGINING HIMSELF COVERD IN STRAWBERRIES WITH ELTON JOHN SINGING "YOUR SONG " TO HIM WHILE JERRY LEE LEWIS SCREAMS HELL SOUNDS AT VIRGINIA WOLF

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

My God - the scary part is he's not far wrong!

― N., Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

[except it's Naomi Woolf, not Virginia]

― N., Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

[thinks: if I leave if that spelling mistake uncorrected it might look like a coded reference to Hanle y's error rather than ignorance]

― N., Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I've got N.'s stupid skill but only about half the time, so it's not "perfected." I'm also excellent at chair-dancing.

― Maria, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I can make cigarettes disappear just by waving my hand. Getting them to APPEAR via same method would be infinitely more useful.

― Tracer Hand, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I SHALL DECIDE MY OWN SPELLLINGS, TYRANTE!

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I'm good at ripping my stockings and getting myself in situations that make me look crazy. I'm still not sure if these are useless though.

― Ally, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I thought that the "special talk" all the girls got in 6th grade was about how to rip your stockings five minutes before leaving the house.

― Dan Perry, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I ALWAY SRIP ME JERKINS BUT ITS BECAUSE OF ME GENDER; TAINT ROOMISH ENUFF FER THE MALE HAIR LEG IN THERE!

― Mike Hanle y, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

N., it's because you've got floppy hair and have a saucy smile. Therefore, if you're in the presence of a girl, and you just happen to be peeking from under your fringe while in the process of smiling, you look like you're the wuvviest wuvvikins on the planet.

― Mark C, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I also have N's skill. I can think of at least 5 times when people have assumed I am going out with people I am not. However the difference is that the girls fancy me in ALL cases. And the boys too. And their pets.

― Ally C, Tuesday, 29 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I can spin a ball on my fingertips, Harlem Globetrotters style.

― Peter Miller, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I can fix computers. By the way I'm not misunderstanding the question.

― maryann, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I can do Minesweeper on expert in under 200 seconds. I am a failure as a human being.

― misterjones, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Trust Hanle y to put the "ick" back in N. (© M. Lastnamewithheld 2002)

― Mitch Lastnamewithheld, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I can also do the expert level of minesweeper in under 200 seconds. I can remember most things I've heard. This is mainly crap song lyrics and conversations I've had with people. I bring up things they've said, they don't remember and then get scared (e.g. "But at his brithday party you said Tom's DJ-ing was like Steve Lawler crossed with Mr Scruff" "Anna - how do you do this? YOU ARE STALKING ME!)

I do not stalk anybody.

― Anna, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Sorry Nick, I am just trying out a new, aggressive persona (though you do think you're it, with your Ricky T and Cabbage matching Hennes tops).

I have a similar dustbin like brane to Anna and am especially good at remembering other peoples annecdotes and family trees.

― Pete, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I am highly skilled in the art of procrastination. Today, all I had to do was come to college and find out term dates and possibly visit a museum. I awoke at 11.30, stayed in bed reading until 1pm, got up and began my chores. Overall these chores should have taken me a round 3/4 of an hour. I left the house at 3pm. I returned at 3.30 having go to to the tube without my wallet. I got on a train at Vauxhall, and ended up in Richmond by accident, whence I had to find a bus to Roehampton. I arrived at college at 5pm. Now, much of this could be seen as bad luck, but I think it was my way of putting of something I don't want to do. I have taken it to another level. Now, at nearly 7pm I should be on a bus to Oxford, yet am not.

― alix, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I can look like I'm totally not paying attention, then be accused of such, then repeat the last eight sentences of conversation perfectly, inflection & all.

― Sterling Clover, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I just did Minesweeper in 160 seconds and I can see some excellent uses for Nick's special skill.

― dan, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Apparently I have scary ear for music and am like "hey is that Junior Cartier" coming in, and my mates are like "er......cant hear it" and then it comes in.

It's infuriating cos when we're in a pub with lots of noise i'll be like "hey thats band x......" and my mates (who like the band) will be like "can't hear anything".

This is countered by my shit eyesight.

― Ronan, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I forget EVERYTHING.

― Maria, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I have been quietly reading this thread yesterday and today, thinking up uses for your so-called useless skills.

Peter Miller's skill (in a roundabout way) made me have an interesting dream: that I was captain of a basketball team. We were sent to India to play in a big competition. In my dream I was concerned that my shortness would cause the team some problems, but actually the real problem turned out to be that the ball was a) flat and b) covered with water.
I sent for another ball and they brought a netball instead. That was good though, because I played netball at school, so I made the game into a netball/basketball hybrid and we won!

It's hard to call any skill useless, you can always find some activity where your expertise could be put to good use.

― rainy, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Ever since I got my cat last summer, I've been involuntarily meowing, and I've gotten good enough at it so people have to ask if it was the cat meowing or me.

― girls don't compose, Wednesday, 30 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I've done Minesweeper in under 100 seconds.

― rosemary, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I am completely useless at Minesweeper. I understand the basic principles but without fail I my careless streak kicks in and spoils everything before I can finish it. I am very glad it is not included in IQ tests.

― N., Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Kindred spirit with Alix and Anna. Flurries of manic activity and then prolonged lethargy during which I become even more bitter and apathetic about necessary task ahead. And can remember all manner of trivialities about people famous and non-famous alike, but can I recall the eleventh century church reform movement's significant.....movements? can I arse. Can I remember all the pressing concerns and 'to-do's at work lingering menancingly in my in- tray. Nope. Can, however, wiggle my ears, curl my lip and raise an eyebrow whilst simultaneously lowering the other.

― Wilfred the Beagle, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I can lose minesweeper by being one bomb off repeatedly!

― Maria, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

raise an eyebrow whilst simultaneously lowering the other.

Wilfred, you are "the Rock" from WWF and I claim my 5 pounds.

― chris, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I remember people's faces, frightening college-mates with "didn't we have a class together three years ago--we've never met but I remember you"-type stalkerism. Also am incapable of forgetting song lyrics, leading one New York pundit to praise my phonographic memory. These are not completely useless but not v useful in polite company. Fortunately I hardly know any of that.

― Pyth, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

Thinking of really funny things I could have said after I've finished speaking to someone.

― Graham, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

am not 'the Rock' and who said I was? Neither am I The Worm, before anyone starts that.

― Wilfred the Beagle, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I feel terribly sorry for Gavin who not only had a useless skill but now finds himself trounced at it by lots of other posters.

I can remember a lot more lyrics than I'm letting on on the lyrics thread. Other than that I'm almost completely skill-free.

― Tom, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

My minesweeper prowess is quite impressive, given I only ever play it when visting my mother in Wolverhampton (about 4 times a year, bad daughter that I am.) If I had it on my computer I would be blind and not able to use my right arm due to excessive mouse clicking.

Oh. My. God. I am getting competitive about minesweeper.

Nick's way of just admitting to being no good at it is best.

― Anna, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

I spent an hour and a half sitting here playing minesweeper and every time I came close to winning I missed the LAST bomb. Eventually I decided it was unhealthy and stopped. But...now...I am reminded...NO I WILL NOT!

― Maria, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

TRUST MITCH TO PUT THE ITCH BACK IN MITCH

― Mike Hanle y, Thursday, 31 January 2002 01:00 (twenty-four years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.