Help me sum up 20 months of America's news for a Mormon missionary

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Oh boy, guys, my brother's on a mission in Juarez, Mexico, and he wrote me a super nice e-mail today. My family normally doesn't even talk to me since I quit the church 6-7 years ago so it was awesome to hear from him. We were best buddies growing up.

He asks me to help him summarize news: "Tell me what's going on in politics. I'm dying to hear something about the US that's not Mexican biased. Everyone hates Bush here and no one understands what's going on in Iraq. It makes me made. I think Bush is a good guy. Sure, I've been out of the loop for over a year and a half but I think he's a good person and it was the right thing to do to go into Iraq. Sadahm was crazy. All that's left now is North Korea, Iran, Cuba and any -stan country. Remember, 20 months without news." [sic sic sic etc.]

I'm so flipped that he even wrote and I have such a bad memory---I can't recall what's happened since May 2004 when he left. Also anytime I talk about Bush I turn into a sailor. Can you help me reconstruct a gentle skeleton of what's been going on? The only word I can think of is "LIES."

― Abbott (Abbott), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 00:44 (nineteen years ago)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2004
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2005
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2006

― naus (Robert T), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 01:04 (nineteen years ago)

Just ask him why he's not asking himself why he thinks others are wrong.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 01:04 (nineteen years ago)

http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/2004
http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/2005
http://simple.wikipedia.org/wiki/2006

― naus (Robert T), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 01:05 (nineteen years ago)

Los Lies
Les Lies
Das Lies

― DAVE, for #1 Hits of yesterday and today! (dave225.3), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 01:10 (nineteen years ago)

Gracias.

― Abbott (Abbott), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 01:15 (nineteen years ago)

Just ask him why he's not asking himself why he thinks others are wrong.

He's on a mission, Ned. If he ever started with that line of thinking he probably wouldn't be doing indentured servitude for the church right now.

― Abbott (Abbott), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 01:18 (nineteen years ago)

I fully realize this.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 01:20 (nineteen years ago)

He may well be but that doesn't excuse phrases like "All that's left now is North Korea, Iran, Cuba and any -stan country.". Some christian.

Do you find it frustrating to discuss this stuff with him even though clearly you miss him and seem close? I have similar issues with my dad, I like to know how people handle such convos (I never do so very elegantly).

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 03:22 (nineteen years ago)

tell him hbo came out with this show with chloe sevigny so everyone's on to his little game now

― j blount (papa la bas), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 03:33 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, my brothers are the only people in my family who I can still talk to, and talking to Merrick (missionary bro) is like talking to a robot. Half of what he says disgusts me, stuff like what you quoted. It's a rotten substitute for when we were both kids and could just talk about Dragon Warrior or whatever and he wasn't under 24 hour surveillance by church overlords. I feel bad for missionaries, they aren't allowed to have minds of their own. What I don't want to face is that he feels this way independently. He does, though. We'll never be able to agree to disagree, never get along like we used to. He thinks i am eveil and always tells me he's praying for me. I find it insulting but neither of us wants to change. I try to compromise and end up getting hurt. I shouldn't have even brought this up on this board. I'm sorry everyone. I am getting all teary about this. It's my birthday and I get all excited hearing from my brother and then realize it'll never be the same. I feel so lame. I am going to go drink now.

Hahahahahaha xpost

― Abbott (Abbott), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 03:38 (nineteen years ago)

Best mood change ever!

But seriously for a moment, that does sound rather upsetting.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 03:40 (nineteen years ago)

aw, don't feel lame for loving your bro, do go drink, happy birthday:)

― estela (estela), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 03:41 (nineteen years ago)

Happy birthday indeed. Have a drink and a little cry -- but look towards the good things too. They're out there. :-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 03:43 (nineteen years ago)

I have similar feelings with regards to a few friends I grew up with. Depressing to think about.

― ALLAH FROG (Mingus Dew), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 03:43 (nineteen years ago)

They've given me a mission
I don't really know the game, yet I'm
Bent on submission
Religion is to blame...

― kingfish du lac (kingfish 2.0), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 04:51 (nineteen years ago)

Tell him how the Nation mourned the transition of Lindsey Lohan into the realm of "damaged goods"

and that that one dude who got famous for spelunking into Fiona Apple stuck himself into a water bubble and failed.

― kingfish du lac (kingfish 2.0), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 04:55 (nineteen years ago)

I think Bush is a good guy. Sure, I've been out of the loop for over a year and a half but I think he's a good person

haaaa these statements are probably related

― kingfish du lac (kingfish 2.0), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 04:59 (nineteen years ago)

tell him that I-rack elected a President and we got the chief terrorist bad guy and Utah is only one of 3 states where 50% or more of the people approve of Bush. the other states that fear God are Idaho and Wyoming.

tell him that a hurricane killed 1600 Americans and put a city under water. also tell him that Algore says that if we don't do something in the next 10 years about global warming there will be floods and plagues of biblical proportion.

also tell him that Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face after drinking a beer.

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 05:35 (nineteen years ago)

Screw chronology. Reverse the order and blow his mind.

― Cunga (Cunga), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 05:42 (nineteen years ago)

20 months of America's news:

jessica simpson
lindsay lohan
angelina jolie
brad pitt
jennifer anniston
price of gas
new weight loss diet
new viagra alternative
davinci code

― nicky lo-fi (nicky lo-fi), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 05:46 (nineteen years ago)

and you forgot "terry shiavo"

― kingfish du lac (kingfish 2.0), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 05:49 (nineteen years ago)

(or whatever spelling you favor)

― kingfish du lac (kingfish 2.0), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 05:58 (nineteen years ago)

just tell him the things that have happened, dont put your spin on it.

― ∂ (duff), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 06:03 (nineteen years ago)

tell him that Rush Limbaugh settled a criminal fraud prosecution relating to prescription drug abuse, that Bill O'Reilly settled a sexual harassment suit brought against him by a former employee, and that Ann Coulter is being investigated for voter fraud. tell him Cheney's chief of staff was indicted for perjury, that Rove is under investigation for same, that one of the Republican leaders in Congress is under investigation for securities fraud, and that the other resigned after being indicted for criminal conspiracy.

tell him that in November 2004 the Democrats elected a Mormon as their leader in the Senate. tell him that one of the Republican candidates for President in 2008 is a Mormon, and that he's also the Governor of Massachusetts.

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 06:07 (nineteen years ago)

Tell him to give me 15% of his income and I will bestow upon him great wisdom.

― Steve Shasta (Steve Shasta), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 06:24 (nineteen years ago)

For 20%, he can get a glimpse of my tinfoil tablets.

― ALLAH FROG (Mingus Dew), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 06:27 (nineteen years ago)

Mormon Church is the ultimate pyramid scheme. I always want to ask him how many people he baptises until he gets the knife set, clock radio, beach towel set, etc. But I don't. How does one balance respect for their loved ones & respect for their corrupt, completely (& hilariously fabricated) made-up religion? It is impossible.

Gabbneb, your set-up sounds like Man In The High Tower II: Mormon Malarkey. Please expand into hilarious short-fiction, but don't bother researching the Mormon Church. You'd do better researching Boo-Bahs, at least they're entertainingly phallic. Steve Young and all. God, now I am drunque.

There is a song they teach to very little Mormon kids:
I hope they call me on a mission
When I have grown a foot or two
I hope to be a missionary
And teach and preach and learn like the missionaries do...
Like the missionaries do...

My dad asked me, at age 8, way before I had COGNIZANCE or anything like it, what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was reared on all the proper-ganda, of course I said a missionary. And of course I withdrew from the cult madness of it all. I wish I knew a point to this. Thanks Ned and Trayce et. al, thanks Anthiony Easton for being an aweomse and real and true conflicted exmo for all these years. Thanks Ethan for calling me Ceolocanth, I am such a geex I got 25 IRL miles from that shit, going back to Cali. et. al. I loved when you went to "photoshop school." Thanks Trayce, too. Good night, I will prolly regret this in the morning. Right now I'm watching the world cup and trying to forget Joseph Smith everr existed. Thank God for the internets. Heart heart heart, Abbie.

― Abbott (Abbott), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 07:01 (nineteen years ago)

Thx too J.D. Salmon, I am in Boise, POrtland II. Next time you play some F-Zero, think of me. I will post drunque pics so you will know. love, one sentimental female fool turning 23. God.

― Abbott (Abbott), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 07:03 (nineteen years ago)

I'm sorry, my child, but I am not your God.

That falls to Jesus Dan.

He will probably accept your offering of drunk pics, tho.

― kingfish du lac (kingfish 2.0), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 13:08 (nineteen years ago)

haha Abbott, when a Mormon former coworker and her friend met me on a visit ti NYC, I knew about the no-alcohol thing, so i figured, hey, let's go to a coffee shop! they were too polite to say anything.

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 13:28 (nineteen years ago)

That is darling.

― Abbott (Abbott), Tuesday, 13 June 2006 14:51 (nineteen years ago)

did they have coffee?

― anthony easton (anthony), Wednesday, 14 June 2006 07:18 (nineteen years ago)

I made a similar faux pas when taken to meet various Osmonds by my uncle when I was 12. However les Osmonds were not offended and just blinded me with their teeth.

― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 14 June 2006 07:22 (nineteen years ago)

Abbott, it actually sounds like your brother might be reachable -- that he chose to ask YOU to fill him in on what's going on in the US (when you are the evil one in the family/the one who dared to make up his own mind) indicates to me that he's bothered by what he's heard in the non-US media, and might be on the brink of developing an independent thought.

So resit any temptation to be snarky; tell him what you've observed, and mention your sadness and disappointment with US leaders rather than anger. Then let him decide what to do with it.

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Wednesday, 14 June 2006 07:50 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, the old Bush isn't godly, he's worldly argument also plays well in here.

― suzy (suzy), Wednesday, 14 June 2006 08:01 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

I miss my family so fucking much in so many ways.

― Abbott, Thursday, 24 January 2008 06:58 (eighteen years ago)

Holy shit @ me. Holy shit^10 at suzy name-dropping "various Osmonds"!!!!!!

― Abbott, Thursday, 24 January 2008 07:00 (eighteen years ago)

Blinded by the teeth
Wrapped up like a douche into the runner in the queef

― Abbott, Thursday, 24 January 2008 07:03 (eighteen years ago)

Stan

― M.V., Thursday, 24 January 2008 12:27 (eighteen years ago)

two years pass...

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