ROAD TRIP (now with 50% more hilarity)

what's the longest you've ever driven (esp. by yourself.) bonus stories of roadside antics (esp. in the heart of rural america/britain/austrailia/zimbabwae) greatly appreciated.

Longest I have driven by myself = double-length driving lesson around Epsom town centre.

Longest I have been driven - Northern France to Central Italy. Not too far in the US scale of things.

Too young to drive the family car (and of course haven't really driven anyway har har), but the whole family plus dog crossed the US twice in a Volvo station wagon. The Midwest is flat.

You do ot kow flat uti you take the drive from Empress to Regia , literally othing vaugely pointy for 250 300 klicks , and i was driven from Le Ronge thru Calgary to Edmonton once , that was v. long

Once a friend and I drove a 1967 Volvo GT from Jo'burg to Cape Town. We did it in a relaxed fashion - ie took 2 days over it. On the way we stopped to camp in a small town in the Karoo (desert) called Three Sisters. The campsite turned out to be the garden of a farmhouse. After we set up our tent, we realised that we had no torch and no stove and no fire, so were reduced to dining in pitch darkness on the contents of a hip-flask. After a bit, the guy who owned the farm came out and invited us in for a beer. We went into the house and the Castles were doled out. We were then invited to watch some television. There was nothing on except a deadly Robin Williams movie. I wouldn't have minded watching the news (or anything apart from Mr Williams) but according to the farmer this was a bad idea as the news was being read by a black man. On another channel there was a programme about nightclubs, but the farmer's family said that they had no desire to watch faggots in makeup. On returning to the Robin Williams film, the tangled plot proved itself to be beyond the farmer and he asked questions without ceasing ("Why is he going to school if he's an adult?"). After the intricacies of the narrative had been explained, I tried conversation ("What do you farm?" "Sheep." "Oh, right.") but soon lost all hope and we made our escape back to the hip-flask.

The next day we went into the house to pay. The bill came to 5 rand more than we had been previously told. I asked what it was for, and the answer was "The beers."

When I was young and on a family vacation, we once drove south as far as new Mexico. That's from Toronto so a long way. Drove straight south to Florida a couple of times as well. Recently it would be the drive east to Nova Scotia, around the northern tip of Cape Breton and back. That's 5000kms plus or something like that. We spent nearly eight days to do it though, so not so bad. Very scenic.

One time my dad drove us all cross country in a giant pink van. It was crazy. By "us all" I mean my scared-of-planes mom, my three sisters (who were all like 6 at the time), and like about 10 animals of the cat dog bird variety. In this giant pink van, listening the entire time to Bruce Springsteen's Born in the U.S.A.. We went from NYC to Seattle. The next summer it was Seattle to Arizona. The van got repossessed about two years later, and my mom let me beat the shit out of it, which was wicked. "They ahve to take it in any condition, let's fuck them over". I love that.

I JUST DROVE FROM BOSTON TO KANSAS CITY. I PUT ALL MY WORLDLY POSSESIONS IN A DODGE OMNI. IT WAS HAR DTO DO

I put all my bedroom furniture in an oldsmobile and made someone with a suspended licence drive it across the street for me. And now I'm going to have a dancer/bartender help me put it together. What do you think of that, Mr. Hanley?

TART