Have you ever had a same sex crush?

Would we find this scenario weird if it was a gay man vis a vis a woman? I don't think so somehow.

Not what I was getting at.

-- Euai Kapaui (tracerhan...), August 12th, 2006.

yeah, otm.

I disagree with this, somewhat. And sometimes. It seems to forget the amazing plastic sense of the world that a lot of hold as teenagers, as young and newly self-aware people. It forgets the exhilaration of experimentation, it forgets the thrill of border-crossing, it forgets the gleeful adolescent trying-on of a thousand different selves and the casting away of nine hundred and ninety nine of them. One of these selves – and a major trial period for most straight (American boys, which is all I can speak to) – is a same-sex dalliance; attraction. Indulged to a point of sexual behavior, or not. Statistically speaking, most of the time, most boys decide it's 'not for them' or not their primary relationship preference, or not something they're ever going to feel totally fulfilled by or comfortable with... this is kind of a honest, backdoor way (yuk, yuk) for some people to discover their native heterosexuality.* Because of the weight of the (often preliminary) decision about sexual identity and its (potential) lifelong significance, this period it can be oppressively preoccupying, all-consuming, and stressful. So the phase 'it's only a phase, you'll grow out of' can help diminish an event's significance, provide some comfort and reassurance, put a proverbial test-flight in its place, and remind labile teens that they'll figure out what's going on.

*This is by no means a way to privilege the discovery of heterosexuality over the discovery of homosexuality, bisexuality, whatever...

When I moved countries relatively recently he made me a heart out of cookie crumbs, wrote that I was the "only friend [he'd] ever missed" on a photo I took of him, and promised to do absolutely anything to come to the city i've moved to. I recently came out (after a couple of years as bi), and figuring out the situation depressed me enormously-- I feel like I have the emotional intimacy, and his girlfriend the physical intimacy. And I'm worried that this situation will continue in an open-ended way; not just for me, but also him and his girlfriend. How should I work this through? I kinda want to get with him, but don't want to confuse what's been a very supportive friendship...

Do you understand how that is a homophobic argument, though?

(I mean, not the worst one ever, by any means, but.)

But, to catagorically state that saying 'it's only a phase' (a half-truth maybe, but reassuring, and a useful assessment for a large body of people, AFAIK) indicates some homophobic sensibility is, I think, overreaching.* This is an argument I'm making on observation and not any stated fact, mind you, but the teens I knew often overstretched their boundaries in the pursuit of (personal) novelty... gay teens trying out straight sex, straight teens trying out gay sex, everybody trying poppers, mr. popper trying the penguins, what-have-you, often to uncomfortable and self-scaring effect.

What I mean is, I think most of us have done at least one thing that is sexually awkward TO US, and against this have defined some piece of our own by-and-large preference. And the 'phase' we experience ... where we've gone too far down a path that isn't our own, personal as a thumbprint... this 'phase we'll grow out of' can be any type of experience. Often I've observed that this going-to-far-bit IS homosexual (for by-and-large heterosexuals) and I know at least two instances of a homosexual going-too-far by forcing themselves into straight sex.

Realizing that the overwhelming confusion, the mistiness of boundaries, the internal sexual weirdness is going to diminish into something liveable (different for each of us, natch… with boundaries that are always somewhat mutable, confused, and weird) and that the 'stage' or 'phase' of sex-finding preoccupation may be just part of a passing adolescent tempest is NOT in my mind, proof of homophobia (heterophobia, monagophobia, make up your own word) but part of growing up and accepting your own, gradually self-defining sexuality.

It seems to have settled down now I'm more content with my life, but there were quite a few years when I was subject to these sort of crushes.

The girlcrush article's weird to me because i'd heard the term 'mancrush' for a (assumedly straight) guy's wanting-to-be crush on another guy, but never a term for the female equivalent; so I kind of assumed 'girlcrush' as a term is a ref to the original 'mancrush'. I've had a few want-to-be crushes on men, they're kind of fun? You feel like a dumb stammering idiot but it's a lot less threatening, somehow.

I think this is what's known as the 'Brett Anderson' position (except I wouldn't describe myself as 'bisexual').

I guess that's where I'm confused. I don't understand how doing X can be uncomfortable or scary unless you are uncomfortable with or scared of becoming the sort of person who does X. Being uncomfortable or scared at the prospect of being gay is, you know, homophobic. It's not necessarily homophobic to the same extreme that queerbashing or voting for a gay marriage ban is, and I'm certainly not trying to suggest that anyone who went through that uncomfortable moment is a bad person (because I certainly had a bit of that when I was coming out) but it is, at the very least, indicative of a homophobic culture where heterosexuality is assumed until proven otherwise and where it's problematic to be gay.

Well, Vacillatrix was talking about people testing or exploring the boundaries of their sexuality. I can certainly picture people being uncomfortable or scared whilst doing that.

An interesting theory, worth verifying in practice at Miss Whiplash's Domination Parlour.

wanting to fuck him just means you're horny, and I wouldn't read too much into it.

btw tony parker of the san antonio spurs, you are very pretty

Hi,

no.

Cheers...

Yes.

This is more common than not when you're 12 or 13, I would have thought.

As a decidedly hetero man I have often noticed which sorts of men strike me as especially appealing, handsome or attractive, but the level of that attraction is never visceral. A crush is pretty overwhelming for as long as it lasts, so I can def say I've never crushed on a man. I'd remember that. Oh, yes I would.

i also register when men are attractive, but my definition of "crush" involves being super nervous around a person to the point of not really being able to talk to them, and that has never happened to me with even the most handsome men.

Is this about same sex crushes or platonic crushes?

See, I would have said yes because I'm attracted to women and have crushed on many over the years but not necessarily in the same way I have on men which is more in line with "my definition of "crush" involves being super nervous around a person to the point of not really being able to talk to them". But I don't think that necessarily means that I didn't have crushes on them. It's just a different dynamic. Shit's complicated. Basically.

I think that crushing among 13 and 14 year old girls is more prevalent than among boys.

I've never had a crush on a guy. I crush on women too easily. Sometimes it feels like I don't even notice myself crushing.

Are we talking about "i want to be you" crush or "i want to bone you" crush
They're really different.

I think the kind of crushing I experience is somewhere in between those two, or a combination?

admiration/worship is way different than the bone thing. and way more common too.

it's hard for me to hear myself thinking something as crass as "I want to bone this person" without feeling immense shame.

admiration/worship is way different than the bone thing. and way more common too.

this is what i was getting at
no need to introduce boning into the equation when often it's enough to just feel like life has given you a gift even knowing the person -- that's a platonic crush w/o boning and it happens all the time. sometimes people accidentally think that it's about boning, but it's not.

I think crush has a much more specific meaning than the broad admiration yr outlining there ll tbh

that's fine -- i was only trying to clarify what everyone else was talking about
it was hard (for me) to know exactly what "same sex crush" is getting at
(aside from nervous admiration/worship)

crushing is about the butterflies.

I really miss being in love.

yeah it's a bit of a headfuck i don't think i know anybody irl who i could crush on right now

Hmmph

Str8 dude here, sometimes fancy dudes, have had dalliances w dudes, yet to full-blown crush on a dude. If the latter to happen it would be no more than the usual shitstorm crisis.

when i was around 20 and commuting to london on the train every day i'd see this guy regularly who seemed really good looking and attractive to me. i remember telling a friend about my "crush" on this guy, something i'd never really experienced before or since. after a while i didn't see him so much and never really thought about it again. then he was at a party i attended in southend and turned out to have a high-pitched david beckham voice.

Yep once, in college. (Oh Hi I am a Cliche!) Gorrrrrgeous asian lesbian named Shirley, who was dating my friend that lived across the hall in our dorms. She would always knock on my door to say hello, and would make a point of saying hi if she saw me on campus. Every time we talked I turned to complete jelly, because she had this amazing lazer focus with her eyes and guh she was incredible. I rode the elevator with her once and almost had a nervous breakdown, I was so overwhelmed by being near her.

Never acted on it. Regrets, I've had a few :)

answer to thread question is "well duh obv" but really i came here to say that adam driver, while i've never actually seen any of his acting, is astonishingly beautiful. he reminds me of a young james duval

Are we talking about "i want to be you" crush or "i want to bone you" crush
They're really different.

― free your spirit pig (La Lechera), Friday, June 14, 2013 2:00 PM (five years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this is true but sometimes they are the same

marcos good news we have an Adam Driver thread

ADAM DRIVER

oh goodness thank you

To answer the question: yes.

otm marcos

paterson was such a beautiful film - projected it on the wall with a friend, 2nd time watching it - fuck it was good

adam driver, while i've never actually seen any of his acting, is astonishingly beautiful. he reminds me of a young james duval

This is a weird way to put it (aside from the lack of resemblance), as Driver is 34, became somewhat famous (Girls) at 28, hence quite a bit older than James Duval's period as Gregg Araki's muse (age 20 to 25). Duval still works but not in much I've seen.

i aint talking about their films boy

b-b-but that's how we see them

This man is very beautiful while playing the piano

and very weird looking once he stands up for his bow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGXBudB_reM

Y'all have one hour to make out with me before I go out.

― Alfred, Lord Sotosyn (Alfred Soto), Saturday, August 12, 2006 7:20 PM

lol i have his haircut, except i go to cheap barbershops, and it never looks great because it's hard to fade longish hair on top down to say a #2 guard length on the sides

because my hair is fairly thick it winds up looking like a toupee when barbers try to do that dramatic long-to-short sort of fade on me

I also have a crush on Víkingur and his weird teeth