i want to send my cats to obedience school

i once tried to keep my cats off the table by shaking a pop can at them with coins inside. it worked a little, but unfortunately i got sick of hearing the loud noise before they did.

I was gone for two weeks and when I got home on Friday they immediately harwked up hairballs on the bed. Just a little welcome back gesture. Incestuous gay bastards, both of them.

http://static.flickr.com/75/167433678_da3251d5f8.jpg

"I'm a-gonna mess you up."

"Can I watch huh huh can I?"

http://usachev.alaris.ru/kuteev/guidedog.jpg

my cats are pretty nice. except when they wake me up - one meows while the other finds something (plastic bag, box end, door) to claw/bat for as long as it takes. fuckers.

Other cats sleep in shoeboxes, briefcases, pot plants, drawers, the washing machine (!!!), and of course the laundry which always has to be exactly the opposite colour of their fur.

http://matrix.millersamuel.com/wp-content/greatpumpkingimage.gif

http://static.flickr.com/93/211490501_74de1a28d7_o.jpg

What do my cats NOT do? I have seriously reached my wits end. Before I begin this tirade, let me iterate that I fucking LOVE these chumbles. They are beautiful, wonderful...my babies. Here they are:

Bernard, 1

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v136/primrosehill/brief.jpg

Pagoda, 4

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v136/primrosehill/pagodalaying.jpg

Wonderful. Love them. Cute, fuzzy bumpkins.

HOWEVER

They are fucking MALICIOUS. They do this shit ON PURPOSE. For example: Pagoda, while I am sleeping, or doing anything besides showering him with affection 24 fucking hours a day, will perch on a stupid shelf and PURPOSEFULLY knock everything off of it with a sweep of his paw, then affect a very proud stance, head in the air. RUDE!!!

He also has this terrible habit of kicking the litter around UNTIL THERE IS NONE LEFT IN THE LITTER PAN. WTF LITTLE MAN

And everything he does goes double for Bernard, because he trains him to be exactly like him.

I heard my cat, Ava playing on the bathroom counter this morning when I was in the shower and I peeked my head out just in time to see her send my glasses flying. Then she gave me a look that bespoke annoyance at being interrupted in the midst of such fun.

Surriously Roxy, have you tried the squirt bottle?

my other meowser, sindy, is a perfect angel though.

Leftmost cat in photo (Morrie) is a litter-kicker, but also prefers to do his business on smooth cool porcelan and/or tiled surfaces (bathtub and laundry room floor are current favorites). We excuse this behavior and count ourselves lucky because we have friends with a cat who USES THEIR POTS/PANS/CASSEROLE DISHES!!!! (We have issues eating at their house now that we know this...)

Same friends also have a beverage-tipping cat.

The biggest issue with Morrie and litter box is Drac (cat #2) attacks Morrie at random while he's taking care of business in there. We have two of the extra-deep Rubbermaid litter boxes in an attempt to cure this, but Drac enjoys pouncing on Morrie when he is most defenseless. So, Morrie associates the boxes with being attacked, though he is a cat of little brain, he does remember this. Keeping an inch of water in the bathtub is effective, but impractical for the laundry room.

lolx2

Morrie the cat up there looks like s/he is wearing a little pink hat! Too cute.

ha laugh all you want people but i am actually nervous about this!

Chestnut looks like an adorable, non-grouchy feline Oscar the Grouch.

When the Lamar vs Leroy War was at its height, I contemplated trading in Lamar for Leroy's sister. Of course, once I finally reached the breaking point and was ready to go through with it, she'd already been adopted. SHOCKING REVELATION: While they were still on the streets, Leroy got his sis pregnant. She had a litter of stillborns in the shelter.

you spray water on the cats

does he know you got a record-eating cat?

i've warned him.

he's seen the one crate of records i have that look like a scratching post.

awwww then you know it's luv

penelope, bell's cat, has stayed at my house before and not touched my records, so i am not soooooo worried.

still you may want to store those queensryche and foghat records on the bottom shelves initially

you must establish dominance over the cat

first, call her 'lopey'
then, when she is hungry, get a plate full of food. sit down in front of her & eat it all. then feed her.
next, when she wants to go out/leave a closed room, don't let her out until you want to go out. open the door, but make sure she FOLLOWS you.
finally, spray her with water.

that also works with women

good luck, ian!

internet advice lol

bottom shelf = sound effects & spoken word.

Here's an even better Chestnut pic:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2168/2406882968_4f0ce5a40b.jpg?v=0

ANd Rusty and Scooter from when Scooter was still feral and living outside:

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2156/2406882582_ee5c548d45.jpg?v=0

what's Rusty doing there? trying to move the screen so he can get in? scratching his head on it?

I meant Scooter, I think.

This looks like a cool cat harness, its a little jacket!

http://www.catwalkingjacket.com/resource/catjacket_gallery1.jpg

From here:
http://www.catwalkingjacket.com/home.php?page_id=1

I've moved into a house with a small back courtyard. Its fenced in, and I thought my kitty would be fine pootling out there as she always hung out on my old balcony and knew not to climb up over the railing.

This place? No chance. The second time I let her out in the yard she'd sussed out all the fence exit points, I turned my back for maybe 30 seconds, andshe was up over the fence.

How to keep her from doing that? Grr. :/

I mean, some people would just let their cat go wander. Mine's been an indoor cat most her life. I'm concerned she'd get lost.

people who keep their cats indoors are not in tune with the cat spirit

Well, I get that; but my cat's never had fleas or any illness. So, yanno.

^^ Totally OTM.

I meant Scooter, I think.

Yeah, Scooter, she was the grey one outside. We discovered her as a kitten living in a sewer grate when we lived in a ground floor apartment. We started feeding her and eventually rescued her. She was very suspicious and would never let us approach her very closely, but LOVED Rusty. Every time we'd open the patio door she'd come over and rub all over it, then just sit there staring in at him. She still loves him -- follows him around the house like they're attached.

that is awesome. i regret now that i didn't get a guy and a girl rather than two dudes. i didn't plan on getting 2 in the first place, but I couldn't decide on Lamar or Leroy so I got both.

haha the cat isn't gonna get lost! my last cat got snapped up by a coyote most likely but he had a long free badass life wld raise again

a good friend of mine let his long-time indoor cat, Rizzo, experiment with outdoorness when (t)he(y) moved into a house.

within a few months his cat was road kill and we all learned our lesson the hard way.

yeah don't put an indoor-bred cat outside. even if you're no longer worried about the cat getting lost.

Our two have been indoor cats all their lives (due to the FeLV), but Drac escaped and disappeared during one of our many moves. No amount of calling/shaking the cat food bag turned him up. The next morning though, he was yowling pitifully under a bush in the corner of the back patio. When I opened the door, he made a mad dash for the litter box, because he'd held it all night.

that happened with pen once, she escaped through a faulty screen from a second story window of my parents' house. when i finally found her trotting back into the yard her eyes were like O_O and she was so mellow for about a month afterward.

I'd like for my cats to be indoor-outdoor cats, but I think they'd have trouble reaching the buzzer for my apartment.

Bell, that mellowness was totally masking severe Post-Traumatic Cat Disorder

Marmite should make a full recovery apparently

Marmite! Marmite will be staying indoors for awhile.

I might have to kill the neighbor who feeds the cats -raccoons -skunks etc. he's like 80 years old, so it's hard to argue with him about it - even mild conversations turn into long dialogues about his love for cats, all cats.
Seriously - he puts PANS of food out on his lawn - two bags of dry food a day - AND he feeds the cats wet food in PANS on his back porch. Around noon. Lunchtime.
Dr. fucking Doolittle. he's very sweet, but...it's a little weird. PLUS - nobody wants skunks traipsing around, waiting for their next meal to be served!
I have been taking pictures - I just have to figure out how to post them. And then you will all see how weird this is!

do you call racoons and skunks "cats" even though they're not felidae? is that common?

Did I write a bad sentence? The etc. wasn't proper, implying that all of the critters were from the same genus?

C'mon over, Thomas, and practice your skills at erudition whilst observing the skunks, squirrels, coons and cats et al. I'll pour you a cocktail and loan you a pen!

chill chill. I just wondered if it was a colloquialism to call all critters "cats" ...

cocktail would be lovely, but later... I have nits to pick and hairs to split.

Chill? I'm GLAD you pointed out bad writing on my part! I'm so overwraught because of this critter situation - plus "suddenly indoor" kitty is driving me crazy. So I sort of want to let him out, just to stop the yowling.
I think he's learned his lesson. Although I can't recall what lesson he was meant to learn - oh, yeah! That he lives with us and we provide him with his crunchies!
Except...he lives in crunchytown, where crunchies are available 24/7. AND wet food. I can't compete with Dr. Doolittle across the street!

This guy must be spending $200.00 a week on cat food.
So, in a way, I'm saving money!

We once had a cat who decided our house was a bit too quiet for her and moved in with the two GIANT! SCARY! Alsatians down the road.

it's sort of hilarious that indoorsy just cycles through yowling and then collapsing in a pissed off pile of fluff.
Now he's sleeping on top of every single piece of paper that's important.(Bills, contracts,etc.) Actually, not sleeping; scheming and stewing.

His evil yellow eyes are slightly open - and glaring.

There'd be catshit all over the record player by now if we'd tried that with Missy.

Monster can open the door - and I didn't lock it, so..he can let himself out at some point.
He has climbed, backwards, down the front of the building -three stories - to escape.

He's been in for six days - I think it's time to let him escape. he'll figure it out.

This cat needs to go to obedience school (after Cat Jail)
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7776450.stm

Adopted an adult cat from a shelter last year. All we know about him is that he was in the shelter for 14 months and was taken in off the streets. He likes people and we are pretty sure he had a nice home sometime before we took him in.

A couple of days ago, he started using the toilet. And flushing. WHO TEACHES THIS TO CATS???

Charles Mingus.

http://www.mingusmingusmingus.com/Mingus/cat_training.html

couple of days ago, he started using the toilet. And flushing. WHO TEACHES THIS TO CATS???

I don't know, but I wish I had a cat like that instead of a cat that uses any place in the laundry room as his toilet.

Mingus seems destined to be more remembered for that than any of the brilliant music he made.

Still, that sounds like an awesome cat.

He is very awesome. He's required a lot of love and patience to get through a lot of psychological trauma, but a year later he's the best cat ever.

this was the closest search for 'i hate my cats'

they are too bratty for obedience school though, more like military school, for cats