Five years

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Five years ago I felt I had lost everything.

Four years ago I had slowly and painfully begun to retrieve a few of these things, but the going was hard and the terrain unforgiving.

Three years ago it still hurt, but I was making good progress and there was something resembling a happy ending in sight.

Two years ago that “happy ending” had proved to be a false dawn and I had been knocked back down to the bottom rung, too weak and hurt to do anything about it.

One year ago, after several wake-up calls/kicks up the backside, I decided that to survive I had to force myself to work my way back, slowly and steadily. But this time it was easier and another, infinitely more real happy ending unveiled itself before my clearing eyes, which had been too clouded to notice that her eyes, her whole, lovely, generous being, had been watching over me with infinite patience and kindness since 2003, eight thousand miles away.

Then my strength and confidence gradually seeped back into me, or perhaps I just unlocked my mind’s gate and let them back in. The relationship moved into a new and deeper phase. By October of last year I knew I loved her, wanted her and needed her, and knew that she felt exactly the same way. And I felt that, at long last, I was ready.

So I restarted The Church of Me for her. I wrote to her every day, and she to me, hundreds, sometimes thousands of words. And every day the feelings grew mutually stronger, more intense, more passionate.

And now, in August 2006, it has happened. She came here last week and everything has changed. We knew pretty well instantly that we were meant, made for each other. We fit so perfectly together that it’s uncanny. She is everything I wanted and more…and she feels the same way about me…it is incredible and beautiful.

Her name is Lena Friesen, she lives in Toronto, and last Tuesday I proposed to her over lunch at the Marine Ices restaurant in Chalk Farm. She, amazed but blissfully happy, said yes, yes, YES.

So we are engaged to be married. This will happen as soon as everything else is sorted out. We are going to do everything humanly possible so that we can live together for good sooner rather than later. There are many things to sort out – citizenship, immigration, work permits, all the rest of it – but it’s going to happen, there is not the slightest question about that. This love is so strong, so perfect, and there is no going back. Whatever it takes; she told me that she now regards London as her home and wants to come here to live with me, but we can live together anywhere if necessary.

We know things can’t happen overnight. She flew back to Toronto yesterday morning (Monday) and yes, it was wrenching, but we both know it’s only a very temporary separation, and in any case, I have changed as a person because of her, and particularly this last week. I feel it. Even my flat looks different now; I walk into it and the air is special and better – I feel her presence here, and in London in general, so strongly.

After five years as a ghost, crouching in the darkest corner, I now feel like a man again.

Yes, she has given my life back to me. And I in turn will give everything I am to her.

So yes, I am to get my happy ending. It is miraculous and I still get dazed thinking about it. And yes, I cry, but with joy rather than sorrow – because she is a wonder and she is my goddess, my angel, and soon she will be my wife.

On Friday we visited Laura’s grave up at Headington. It was a very moving and symbolic experience. Finally I have said goodbye to Laura – yes, she will always have a place in my heart, how could she not? – but I love Lena and Lena loves me and she is my world and my life and I want to spend the rest of my days with her, and she with me.

So this will be the last commemorative thread. I have done full service to Laura’s memory. I have returned to the world. I know in my bones that I am a different person to the one I was even a week ago. Now I walk back to life, gladly and passionately.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 07:03 (nineteen years ago)

Beautiful. Congratulations!

― StanM (StanM), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 07:06 (nineteen years ago)

Congratulations Marcello, wish the both of you every happiness going forward.

― JohnFoxxsJuno (JohnFoxxsJuno), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 07:08 (nineteen years ago)

I'm very happy for you marcello. Congratulations.

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 07:34 (nineteen years ago)

Congratulations, you deserve every happiness.

― beanz (beanz), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 07:59 (nineteen years ago)

That was so beautifully written, Marcello. I really hope you and Lena have everything you wish for.

― ailsa (ailsa), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 08:19 (nineteen years ago)

:-) Congratulations Marcello

― wogan lenin (dog latin), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 08:32 (nineteen years ago)

Congratulations, Marcello. Here's to gladness and passion.

― Pier Paolo Semolina (noodle vague), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 08:43 (nineteen years ago)

Nice going big fella!

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 08:44 (nineteen years ago)

Congratulations Marcello.

― leigh (leigh), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 09:06 (nineteen years ago)

here's to a wonderful future, marcello! congratulations.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 09:15 (nineteen years ago)

Oh man, I wanna say so much. I start a sentence, delete it and then start again. So what do I want to say? Congratulations. Words can't express how happy I am for you! :-)

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 09:18 (nineteen years ago)

Also, the fact that you're both so open about it all (The Church Of Me and her diaryland) is extremely wonderful.

― StanM (StanM), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 09:25 (nineteen years ago)

YES, I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY CONTACT LENS. Go back to work, collegue.

― StanM (StanM), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 09:27 (nineteen years ago)

Marcello, this is completely wonderful. Congratulations!

― surfer_stone_rosa (surfer_stone_rosa), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 09:28 (nineteen years ago)

This is fantastic news, congratulations!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 09:34 (nineteen years ago)

This thread makes me very happy indeed. Well done, Marcello.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 09:43 (nineteen years ago)

Congrats M.

― xyzzzz__ (jdesouza), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 09:46 (nineteen years ago)

Congratulations, and best wishes for the future to both of you!

― alext (alext), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:18 (nineteen years ago)

Beautiful, just lovely to hear this. I remember you talking a while ago about doing up a blog for just one person, this must have been Lena. The very best for you both Marcello, I'm so pleased that this has happened for you.

― Kv_nol (Kv_nol), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:25 (nineteen years ago)

well done mate! marine ices, good choice of venue :)

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:26 (nineteen years ago)

yay marcello and lena!!

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:29 (nineteen years ago)

**Even my flat looks different now; I walk into it and the air is special and better**

So she persuaded you to chuck out that old jacket then?

SORRY! This is the greatest of news - many, many congrats and love to both of you.

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:33 (nineteen years ago)

Yet again the power of this ILXthing amazes me. Here I am feeling uplifted by some news from a man I have never met but seem to know so well, just from the excellence of his writing

Congratulations to both of you, Marcello, I am truly happy for you.

― Guilty Boksen (Bro_Danielson), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:35 (nineteen years ago)

wonderful stuff. much happiness to you!

― Britain's Obtusest Shepherd (Alan), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:36 (nineteen years ago)

congratulations!

― i'll mitya halfway (mitya), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:37 (nineteen years ago)

I think all of ILX wanted to read something like this, some day - congrats and best wishes, Marcello

― Ward Fowler (Ward Fowler), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:42 (nineteen years ago)

Great news, congratulations M.

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:43 (nineteen years ago)

Nice one MC - major congratulations!

― Tom (Groke), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 10:46 (nineteen years ago)

Jurassic Park! Congratulations.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 11:11 (nineteen years ago)

wow! reading that sent shivers up my spine. what a lovely post! congratulations to you both.

― gem (trisk), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 11:23 (nineteen years ago)

congratulations, lovely news, so glad.

― estela (estela), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 11:24 (nineteen years ago)

Neat, neat, neat. Congrats to you both!

― Danny Aioli (Rock Hardy), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 11:46 (nineteen years ago)

That's wonderful news Marcello. Congratulations! I wondered if you were going to wind up here in Toronto, but it looks like you two will be calling London home - excellent! Best wishes to the both of you.

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 11:47 (nineteen years ago)

Roxor to all this, as I told yer the other day. :-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 11:48 (nineteen years ago)

Aww, bless. If anyone deserves a happy ending, you do Marcello. I raise a coffee cup to a long and happy future together.

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 12:48 (nineteen years ago)

You're not alone...you're wonderful.

Congrats, Marcello!

― My Little Ruud Book (Ken L), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 13:41 (nineteen years ago)

Awesome stuff. But the best bit is that when you click on 'Five Years' at the top of the New Answers page, the words there are in exactly the same place as the 'Five years' that begin this story. As a way of unfolding such a fundamentally emotional tale, it takes some beating!

― Obvious Ninja (Haberdager), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 13:46 (nineteen years ago)

Congratulations Marcello and Lena! Wishing you every happiness, every good thing, every possible joy!

― Jaq (Jaq), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 13:49 (nineteen years ago)

Congratulations, Marcello. I wish you both every happiness.

― M. White (Miguelito), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 13:54 (nineteen years ago)

Ain't nothing wrong with a happy ending.

― Haikunym (Haikunym), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 14:00 (nineteen years ago)

This is not an ending, ergo this is not a happy ending. Just saying. Regardless, I wish you well, Marcello and Lena.

― Aimless (Aimless), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 15:10 (nineteen years ago)

That Marcello's a bit of a dark horse, eh?

― dud Hab 'C' dEva (Dada), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 15:14 (nineteen years ago)

Congratulations!

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 15:19 (nineteen years ago)

All the best, I'm happy for you.

― jel -- (jel), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 15:31 (nineteen years ago)

This is great news. Congratulations

― Rufus 3000 (Mr Noodles), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 15:31 (nineteen years ago)

Marcello. I have neither met you nor know you but having been on this board for all of those five years and more, I need to say that this is all a fabulous thing. Best of luck, mate. You deserve it more than most.

― Venga (Venga), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 22:43 (nineteen years ago)

Treasure everything about each other, and every day that you spend in each other's love. That is happiness, truthfully.

Congratulations.

― Esquire, Bitch. (Big Loud Mountain Ape), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 22:55 (nineteen years ago)

Ward OTM. Congratulations, Marcello. I'm happy, and I have to also say relieved, for you.

― Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Tuesday, 29 August 2006 23:36 (nineteen years ago)

Wow! Best wishes.

― jim wentworth (wench), Wednesday, 30 August 2006 00:18 (nineteen years ago)

congratulations !

― geordie racer (s.r.w.), Wednesday, 30 August 2006 16:06 (nineteen years ago)

work and love will make a man out of you

congrats!

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Wednesday, 30 August 2006 22:44 (nineteen years ago)

Bloody hell: Geordie Racer!! Please save ILx, GR!

― Jerry the Nipper (Jerrynipper), Wednesday, 30 August 2006 22:54 (nineteen years ago)

Great news. Congratulations!

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Wednesday, 30 August 2006 22:59 (nineteen years ago)

xpost: did you play that game as well? bless!

"Baz is a pigeon-fancier..."

― Obvious Ninja (Haberdager), Wednesday, 30 August 2006 22:59 (nineteen years ago)

Just couldn't stay away, could you?

― Kv_nol (Kv_nol), Wednesday, 30 August 2006 23:02 (nineteen years ago)

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