God's Answering Machine (MUST READ!!!)

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Imagine praying and hearing this:

"Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following four options:

* Press 1 for requests.
* Press 2 for thanksgiving.
* Press 3 for complaints.
* For all other inquiries, Press 4.

What if God used the familiar excuse: "All of the angels are helping
other customers right now. Please stay on the line.
Your call will be answered in the order it was received."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in
prayer?
* "If you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1.
* For Michael, press 2.
* For any other angel, press 3.
* "If you want King David to sing you a Psalm, press 6.

"For reservations at My Father's House, simply press the letters J-O-H-N on the keypad, followed by the number 3-1-6."

"For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's ark is, wait until you get here!"

"Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately."

"This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again Monday." End of message.

You only need to ring once and God hears you. Because of Jesus, you never get a busy signal. God takes each call and knows each caller personally. When you call the Lord will answer; you will cry for help and He will say: "Here am I!"

And when you call:

Emergency Phone Numbers
* When in sorrow, call John 14
* When men fail you, call Psalm 27
* If you want to be fruitful, call John 15
* When you have sinned, call Psalm 51
* When you worry, call Matthew 6:19-34
* When you are in danger, call Psalm 91
* When God seems far away, call Psalm 139
* When your faith needs stirring, call Hebrews 11
* When you are lonely and fearful, call Psalm 23
* When you grow bitter and critical, call 1 Cor. 13
* For Paul's secret to happiness, call Col. 3:12-17
* For idea of Christianity, call 1 Cor. 5:15-19
* When you feel down and out, call Romans 8:31-39
* When you want peace and rest, call Matt. 11:25-30
* When the world seems bigger than God, call Psalm 90
* When you want Christian assurance, call Romans 8:1-30
* When you leave home for labor or travel, call Psalm 121
* When your prayers grow narrow or selfish, call Psalm 67
* For a great invention/opportunity, call Isaiah 55
* When you want courage for a task, call Joshua 1
* How to get along with fellowmen, call Romans 12
* When you think of investments/returns, call Mark 10
* If you are depressed, call Psalm 27
* If your pocketbook is empty, call Psalm 37
* If you're losing confidence in people, call 1 Cor. 13
* If people seem unkind, call John 15
* If discouraged about your work, call Psalm 126
* If you find the world growing small, and yourself great,
call Psalm 20

Emergency numbers may be dialed direct.
No operator assistance is necessary.
All lines are open to Heaven 24 hours a day.
God Will Save Me God's Boxes

and what (ooo), Monday, 2 October 2006 19:06 (eighteen years ago) link

God Will Save Me God's Boxes

???

kingfish prætor (kingfish 2.0), Monday, 2 October 2006 19:09 (eighteen years ago) link

what, he can't afford a receptionist. totally hang up on that shit.

Sam: Screwed and Chopped (Molly Jones), Monday, 2 October 2006 19:12 (eighteen years ago) link

"For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's ark is, wait until you get here!"

and what (ooo), Monday, 2 October 2006 19:12 (eighteen years ago) link

Let me guess, this is an e-mail forward credited to Robin Williams.

A-ron Hubbard (Hurting), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:11 (eighteen years ago) link

dennis miller

and what (ooo), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:13 (eighteen years ago) link

What if God used the familiar excuse: "All of the angels are helping other customers right now. Please stay on the line. Your call will be answered in the order it was received."

God all the time is making 'scuses!
The thing about the praryer/phone analogy is it's a one-way conversation. But I will pass this on in five minutes and remember the Lord loves you!

Abbott (Abbott), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:20 (eighteen years ago) link

I was just watching one of those megachurch cable shows on TV and the pastor was preaching emphatically on the "penalty flag of doubt." They sure do have a way with metaphors.

A-ron Hubbard (Hurting), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:23 (eighteen years ago) link

Haha, in high school seminary once, the teacher handed out random household objects to every class member and assigned them to use it in a religious analogy: "This spatula is like...God's tool for...turning the other cheek???"

Abbott (Abbott), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:34 (eighteen years ago) link

* When the world seems bigger than God, call Psalm 90

lol world is hueg

Allyzay lives aprox. 200 feet away from a stadium (allyzay), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:44 (eighteen years ago) link

"We are sorry, the person that you have dialled is currently unavailable due to the fact that He does not exist".

chap who would dare to contain two ingredients. Tea and bags. (chap), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:46 (eighteen years ago) link

To speak with horny co-ed angels, press 5.

A-ron Hubbard (Hurting), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:46 (eighteen years ago) link

In what way is this a "must read"? Not even vaguely amusing.

Andrew (enneff), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:54 (eighteen years ago) link

joeks, andrew. joeks.

chaki (chaki), Monday, 2 October 2006 20:56 (eighteen years ago) link

your call may be monitored for quality control purposes

literalisp (literalisp), Monday, 2 October 2006 21:00 (eighteen years ago) link

"Your suffering is very important to us. Please continue to hold..."

nate p. (natepatrin), Monday, 2 October 2006 21:45 (eighteen years ago) link

"If your call is in relation to the up and coming apocalypse, we are aware of this problem and our engineers are dealing with it. For all other queries, please hold"

Ste (Fuzzy), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 08:22 (eighteen years ago) link

Yeah, I'm trying to reach the Human Resources department?

It's the lazy and immoral way to become super hip. (Austin, Still), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 11:41 (eighteen years ago) link

Hi! You have reached Hell. All of our demons are busy right now.

If you would like to sell your soul, please press 13.

If you would like to speak to Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer himself, please press 666.

(Actually message on our ansaphone in NYC before my mum got wind of it and made us change it.)

Virginia Plainsong (kate), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 12:42 (eighteen years ago) link

But nothing will ever beat George Constanzas answering machine message

"wheeeere could I beeeeeee! believe it or not, I'm not home"

Ste (Fuzzy), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 12:54 (eighteen years ago) link

Why are atheists so hairy? Is God punishing us by giving us an excess of body hair?

Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 13:09 (eighteen years ago) link

Because you're descended from monkeys, you see?

Virginia Plainsong (kate), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 13:11 (eighteen years ago) link

George "The Atheist" Steele

nate p. (natepatrin), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 13:37 (eighteen years ago) link

"Our computers show that you have called once today already. Please hang up immediately."

wtf u guys, Psalm 34:1 pls HELLO!?! lol

Thomas Tallis (Tommy), Tuesday, 3 October 2006 13:52 (eighteen years ago) link

one year passes...

Can you imagine getting these kinds of responses as you call on God in
prayer?
* "If you'd like to speak with Gabriel, press 1.
* For Michael, press 2.
* For any other angel, press 3.
* "If you want King David to sing you a Psalm, press 6.

and what, Monday, 18 August 2008 15:32 (sixteen years ago) link

In what way is this a "must read"? Not even vaguely amusing.

-- Andrew (enneff), Monday, October 2, 2006 4:54 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Link

and what, Monday, 18 August 2008 15:33 (sixteen years ago) link

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah's ark is, die!

goole, Monday, 18 August 2008 15:36 (sixteen years ago) link

I was gonna call the supermarket for boxes but god's are probably a lot bigger I could probably move in one trip

Edward III, Monday, 18 August 2008 15:37 (sixteen years ago) link

It wld be kind of awesome if you could not contact god on weekends! Church would be all for naught. Tiniest cactus flower, lowliest yucca tree, etc.

Abbott, Monday, 18 August 2008 17:26 (sixteen years ago) link

FB shop is perfect.

Abbott, Monday, 18 August 2008 17:27 (sixteen years ago) link

Hi! You have reached Hell. All of our demons are busy right now.
If you would like to sell your soul, please press 13.

If you would like to speak to Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, Lucifer himself, please press 666.

(Actually message on our ansaphone in NYC before my mum got wind of it and made us change it.)

-- Virginia Plainsong (kate), Tuesday, October 3, 2006 12:42 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark Link

^^^Kate's mum OTM

DJ Mencap, Monday, 18 August 2008 17:41 (sixteen years ago) link

FB shop is perfect.

-- Abbott, Monday, August 18, 2008 12:27 PM (21 minutes ago) Bookmark Link

Thank you.

Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows, Monday, 18 August 2008 17:49 (sixteen years ago) link


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