That feeling of inadequacy that strikes you before a date?

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

You know, the idea that gets into your head, that "I'm too ugly/stupid/unfunny/whatever for her". What to do with that?

I guess it's easier to show your romantic interest when you're drunk exactly because booze makes you feel like the funniest, smartest, best-looking person in the place. But getting drunk on a date isn't necessarily wise, is it?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:03 (twenty years ago)

i wish i could get as far as the date, I get this feeling of inadequacy just looking at teh ladies.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:08 (twenty years ago)

I don't get this. After the date, on the other hand, is a different story.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:09 (twenty years ago)

best not to prod that one.

― benrique (Enrique), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:10 (twenty years ago)

Is that what you say when she turns up?

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:13 (twenty years ago)

stick to CS, Ste! Monkey Brothel regular Milky found love in CS Sauce. i'm not even lying.

i can't really contribute to thread, having not had a date in 10 years.

― teh_kit (g-kit), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:15 (twenty years ago)

...this feeling strikes me so far before a date, that I can't even get to the bit where you get asked on a date. Let alone go on one.

Oh, emo emo emo.

― Three In A Bed Socks Romp (kate), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:20 (twenty years ago)

have just a couple of drinks before the date, so you are more confident/uninhibited or whatever, but not actually drunk

― Mark Co (Markco), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:20 (twenty years ago)

yey kit, i'm inadequate at CS too.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:21 (twenty years ago)

how do i shot cum

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:23 (twenty years ago)

I don't get this. After the date, on the other hand, is a different story.

After the date, if you're lying in bed next to her, what's to feel inadequate about?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:23 (twenty years ago)

Oh, I see, you mean if the date doesn't work... Well, I at least find it much easier to rationalize things afterwards, like, "We weren't meant for each other", etc. And you don't have to be afraid anymore.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:26 (twenty years ago)

sleep with them before the date

― ;_; (blueski), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:26 (twenty years ago)

answer:
a) my pyjamas
b) my penis
c) my Action Man bedcover

― Ste (Fuzzy), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:27 (twenty years ago)

Actually, that option has worked the best for me. But it rarely seems to lead in any long-term relationships. And I guess there's some magic also contained in all the insecurity, scariness and awkwardness of going on a date.

(x-post)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 12 October 2006 09:29 (twenty years ago)

sleep with them during the date.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 12 October 2006 10:26 (twenty years ago)

spiceworld.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 12 October 2006 10:27 (twenty years ago)

answer:
a) my pyjamas
b) my penis
c) my Action Man bedcover
-- Ste (ste.foste...) (webmail), Today 10:27 AM. (later) (link)

First draft of "Lions after Slumber" Scritti Politti !

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 12 October 2006 10:32 (twenty years ago)

Spiceworld?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:42 (twenty years ago)

uktv reference.

― benrique (Enrique), Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:43 (twenty years ago)

I'm getting this feeling a lot right now.

Hopefully, to be replaced by the usual "i'm too inadequate to be going out with her," of course.

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:46 (twenty years ago)

argh, yeah, this is the worst! having a drink or two does help quite a bit.

― i've dreamt of rubies! (Mandee), Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:48 (twenty years ago)

not like i have dates, but if i were to, i'd be feeling inadequate, surely!

― i've dreamt of rubies! (Mandee), Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:51 (twenty years ago)

i don't think i've had this feeling before an actual date though, if i had a date i'd be feeling rather chuffed.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Thursday, 12 October 2006 11:52 (twenty years ago)

First draft of "Lions after Slumber" Scritti Politti !

i was on a date a few weeks ago and ended up at one of scritti politti's house! claim to fame.

cashback.

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 12 October 2006 12:00 (twenty years ago)

(no i wasn't dating one of them, either)

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 12 October 2006 12:01 (twenty years ago)

"one of scritti politti"

from that i infer NOT GREEN.

but kudos anyway *winky*

― benrique (Enrique), Thursday, 12 October 2006 12:08 (twenty years ago)

You need to do something to relieve your tension. I suggest wanking in front of a baby.

― Sadly, he will be the next Alexis Petridish. (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 12 October 2006 12:10 (twenty years ago)

why not just date the baby

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 12 October 2006 12:11 (twenty years ago)

date rape the baby

― ken c (ken c), Thursday, 12 October 2006 12:11 (twenty years ago)

It seems I can't post anything at all to ILX anymore without getting "funny" personal remarks, maybe I should just quit altogether. Then your hilarious liberal Scandinavian feminist strawman would be gone, how'd that feel?

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 12 October 2006 14:54 (twenty years ago)

The price of fame, Tuomas.

Btw, just like the internet teasing, learn to scoff at your inner pessimist telling you you're not worthy. That's for your date to decide.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 12 October 2006 15:03 (twenty years ago)

Where is the evidence of your feminism apart from the self-labelling? How does it manifest itself?

― Bob Six (bobbysix), Thursday, 12 October 2006 15:10 (twenty years ago)

Print this thread out and discuss it over a couple of pints, she'll definitely want to see you again.

― not-goodwin (not-goodwin), Thursday, 12 October 2006 15:50 (twenty years ago)

Well, just a few hours ago I was at a demonstration against a proposed law that would stop lesbian couples and single women from getting fertilization treatment through Finnish healthcare. Nor was this my my first feminist demonstration. But I don't think anyone needs to be an activist to prove their feminism, it's more about everyday attitude and behaviour. Do you really think I would've had the countless arguments about gender in here (as well as countless arguments in the real life) if there wasn't some sort of conviction there? It's not like this shit has brought me tons of blessings.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 12 October 2006 15:55 (twenty years ago)

(x-post)

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Thursday, 12 October 2006 15:55 (twenty years ago)

Find messages from I Love Everything, containing feminism, by user Tuomas*.

102,309 results found:

― roc u like a § (ex machina), Thursday, 12 October 2006 15:58 (twenty years ago)

It's worse when the feeling strikes mid-date, and you start thinking "oh my God! Why am I talking about transformers and wanting to be made redundant so I can live a life of idle leisure?!"

― jel -- (jel), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:04 (twenty years ago)

I STILLOVE U TUOMAS!

About inadequacy - I guess it depends on how you let it get to you. I went out on a date about a month ago and almost immediately after meeting this girl I figured she was out of my league and I'd be home playing Katumari soon enough! But i guess that idea relaxed me - everything went well and she's my girlfriend now. I'm not sure what my point is really... relax I guess.

xpost - fuck just talk about what you want - do you want to wind up dating someone you have to put an act on the whole time for?

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:16 (twenty years ago)

I get the nervous feeling when things are going well - I get terrified I'm going to blow it!

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 12 October 2006 16:17 (twenty years ago)

My style of pre-date inadequacy was always to suddenly feel bad about all the things I had promised myself to do and hadn't done (get a haircut, get enough sleep, lose weight, improve my career prospects, become a happier, funnier person, etc.)

Boy am I glad to be done with all that.

― A-ron Hubbard (Hurting), Thursday, 12 October 2006 18:30 (twenty years ago)

Pre-date nervousness just smacks of someone with no booze in the house.

― Laurel (Laurel), Thursday, 12 October 2006 18:35 (twenty years ago)

Laurel OTM. I once called a friend kind of spazing because I was having some new dude over for dinner, and she was all "CALM DOWN AND HAVE A BIG GLASS OF WINE," which I did and of course it helped.

― quincie (quincie), Thursday, 12 October 2006 18:46 (twenty years ago)

"become a happier, funnier person, etc"

dude happy people aren't funny.

― Shakey Mo Collier (Shakey Mo Collier), Thursday, 12 October 2006 18:50 (twenty years ago)

What the hell kind of dried fruits are you guys eating?

― got yourself a fish biscuit! (nickalicious), Thursday, 12 October 2006 18:54 (twenty years ago)

"Then your hilarious liberal Scandinavian feminist strawman would be gone, how'd that feel?"

It wouldn't feel good at all. You are very necessary.

― Issadora (Issadora), Thursday, 12 October 2006 19:06 (twenty years ago)

sadly, when i try to talk myself into being very CASUAL AND COOL, it is sometimes mistaken for DISINTEREST

― i've dreamt of rubies! (Mandee), Thursday, 12 October 2006 19:13 (twenty years ago)

Talk yourself into relaxed and natural, Mandee.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 12 October 2006 19:16 (twenty years ago)

oh forget relaxed and natural, no wai.

― i've dreamt of rubies! (Mandee), Thursday, 12 October 2006 19:18 (twenty years ago)

I say that but the incredible redhead who was visiting our office from New York today had me babbling and stammering nonetheless.

― M. White (Miguelito), Thursday, 12 October 2006 19:19 (twenty years ago)

Play a lot of video games to distract yourself.

― Eppy (Eppy), Thursday, 12 October 2006 19:29 (twenty years ago)

Ideally video games you're really good at so as to get your ego boost on.

― Eppy (Eppy), Thursday, 12 October 2006 19:29 (twenty years ago)

Maybe play a decent date-emulator game.

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 12 October 2006 19:54 (twenty years ago)

Like, say, GTA.

― Thermo Thinwall (Thermo Thinwall), Thursday, 12 October 2006 19:55 (twenty years ago)

Pre-date nervousness just smacks of someone with no booze in the house.

Kudos!

― jaymc (jaymc), Thursday, 12 October 2006 20:01 (twenty years ago)

I have gotten into this habit of flailing my arms around and shouting "AAArgH! AAArgH!" in an imitation of the fine muppet Grover. For some reason, this will calm me down about anything. I also find flapping my hands very soothing. Myabe I have Asperger's, christ. Well, it works for me.

― Abbott (Abbott), Thursday, 12 October 2006 21:16 (twenty years ago)

I never get insecure about dating.

― RoxyMuzak© (roxymuzak), Friday, 13 October 2006 00:58 (twenty years ago)

Same thing you do on a job interview:

Take note of your feelings and describe them as "EXCITED". Not scared, worried or nervous. You are just NERVOUS.

When your mind starts thinking dumb thoughts of fear, you need to find something to believe in which can effectively cancel them out.

This is the secret to being happy all the time. There are plenty of people who have the same or worse handicaps as yourself who do fine. If you dwell on what makes you feel bad, it will accentuate your bad feelings about yourself since whatever you focus on is magnified within yourself. Think about it: your self-doubt onlly exists within yourself. So, you need to focus on a more positive chain of thoughts. It is a fact that what you think about reflects in how you perceive yourself and the world around you. So, choose to think about all your successes instead of all your failures. And buying books on self-help, NLP, etc. will not hurt.

― Sir Lance A Zit (Dick Butkus), Friday, 13 October 2006 01:04 (twenty years ago)

Not scared, worried or nervous. You are just NERVOUS.

Haha, that should read: "You are just EXCITED."

It's all what you tell yourself. Look at all the little cocks who are convinced they're the shit. You laugh in your mind and think, "I could kick your ass, you little twerp!" but then they make a fake move toward you and you flinch.

― Sir Lance A Zit (Dick Butkus), Friday, 13 October 2006 01:06 (twenty years ago)

Here's a good tip: the secret to confidence is knowing that there is risk. Without risk, we wouldn't be confident. We would just know we could do something. Confidence involves risk. It does not involve pre-planning all the things you will say or do for fear of failure. That is the surest way to fail.

Confidence means realizing all your past experiences and achievements and knowing that you can handle whatever comes your way. It's true: you can handle anything. So what's to worry about? Worrying takes up all the time and effort you could be using to feel and act normal. You simply need to make room for confidence. Take note of how your body feels and note that it is merely "excited". Then, play it by ear. Don't overthink.

― Sir Lance A Zit (Dick Butkus), Friday, 13 October 2006 01:12 (twenty years ago)

Look at all the little cocks who are convinced they're the shit. You laugh in your mind and think, "I could kick your ass, you little twerp!" but then they make a fake move toward you and you flinch.

Bravo! That's right poetry, it is...

― hearditonthexico (rogermexico), Friday, 13 October 2006 01:15 (twenty years ago)

Right, but it's true! What if all those little guys thought to themselves, "Well, gee, he's much bigger than I am. I should act submissive as I walk past him or he might kick my ass..." ??? Then, they would be the little guys nobody notices. But, instead, they are the little guys who intimidate everyone around them!

It's the same thing with ugly idiots who get the hot girls. They are just confident and people are attracted to confidence the same way people are repelled by weakness.

― Sir Lance A Zit (Dick Butkus), Friday, 13 October 2006 01:22 (twenty years ago)

lol

― a name means a lot just by itself (lfam), Friday, 13 October 2006 01:44 (twenty years ago)

asl?

― a name means a lot just by itself (lfam), Friday, 13 October 2006 01:44 (twenty years ago)

Actually I think I'd like a person more if she appeared a bit nervous and scared on a date rather than all casual and cool (which, as Mandee said, could be interpreted as "I'm not that interested"). So I guess it's okay.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 October 2006 05:16 (twenty years ago)

You can be other than nervous or cool and casual. I'm not very good at being either; I tend towards being enthusiastic and I don't mind displaying a real pleasure that someone wants to spend the time of day with me.

― Ed (dali), Friday, 13 October 2006 05:35 (twenty years ago)

I tell you something, if you already have the feeling that you're fat and ugly (even if deep down you know it's not true), don't visit a fitting room in a clothes store, because the lights there will make you look even fatter and uglier. I don't know why this is so.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 October 2006 12:13 (twenty years ago)

....? dont tell me you think you're fat and ugly. because that is crazy talk.

― i've dreamt of rubies! (Mandee), Friday, 13 October 2006 12:25 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, I know. Thanks, Mandee. But when you're feeling insecure, it's kinda hard just to get these thoughts out of your head.

― Tuomas (Tuomas), Friday, 13 October 2006 12:29 (twenty years ago)

is it really good form to have boozy breath going into a date?

― ken c (ken c), Friday, 13 October 2006 12:36 (twenty years ago)

yes. disguise it with a scotch egg.

― ;_; (blueski), Friday, 13 October 2006 12:37 (twenty years ago)

Depends. A hint of Scotch is never a problem. You probably shouldn't be able to knock people over by exhaling, though.

XP: EW.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 13 October 2006 12:38 (twenty years ago)

is it really good form to have boozy breath going into a date?

It is if you're meeting for drinks anyway.

― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 13 October 2006 12:46 (twenty years ago)

This is the best way to be! It's also easy to feel your pounding heart and sweaty palms and say, "I'm excited!" which plays into enthusiasm easily.

― the Adversary (but, still, a friend of yours) (Uri Frendimein), Friday, 13 October 2006 13:18 (twenty years ago)

Surely it's not a good idea to meet someone for drinks, *already* having boozy breath?

Question: when you can tell the person you're going to be meeting is having feelings of inadequacy, what's the best way to reassure them that really they're the one who is way out of your league?

― Forest Pines (ForestPines), Friday, 13 October 2006 13:23 (twenty years ago)

Take them home.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 13 October 2006 13:24 (twenty years ago)

Well, okay, that might be hasty. Perhaps the deserted stoop make-out is more in order.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 13 October 2006 13:25 (twenty years ago)

what's the best way to reassure them that really they're the one who is way out of your league?

There's some debate whether it involves stammering followed by surprise anxiety-caused public vomiting or sweaty-browed silence followed by involuntary incontinence and tears. Either will work just fine, in my opinion.

― M. White (Miguelito), Friday, 13 October 2006 13:28 (twenty years ago)

Surely it's not a good idea to meet someone for drinks, *already* having boozy breath?

Just don't get close enough for them to tell until after the first drink!

― Jordan (Jordan), Friday, 13 October 2006 13:29 (twenty years ago)

I don't get this. I'm much happier with my feelings of incompatibility during dates instead.

― Badrock Example (Barima), Friday, 13 October 2006 13:56 (twenty years ago)

when you can tell the person you're going to be meeting is having feelings of inadequacy, what's the best way to reassure them that really they're the one who is way out of your league?

man, whatever you do avoid calling them "lardass". TRUST YR UNCLE OTTO.

― otto midnight (otto midnight), Friday, 13 October 2006 13:58 (twenty years ago)

i get lots of incompatibility feelings, too. I AM KIND OF misunderstood.

― i've dreamt of rubies! (Mandee), Friday, 13 October 2006 14:52 (twenty years ago)

what's the best way to reassure them that really they're the one who is way out of your league?

Here's a tip: don't make the gurls cry. D- - - - WOULD NOT BUY AGAIN.

― Laurel (Laurel), Friday, 13 October 2006 14:58 (twenty years ago)

I comfort myself with the likelihood that my date will be spectacularly inadequate.

― Dr Morbius (Dr Morbius), Friday, 13 October 2006 18:14 (twenty years ago)

did you eat the whole sundae?

― and what (ooo), Friday, 13 October 2006 21:35 (twenty years ago)

Was that to Tuomas?

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 13 October 2006 21:44 (twenty years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.