Food and drink packaging that annoys you with its marketing gobbledegook crapness

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

Give yr favourite examples.

― New Mark H (New MarkH), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:38 (nineteen years ago)

I am drinking some lemon juice I bought earlier in the work canteen. So what, I fancied some lemon juice. But this isn't just lemon juice. Oh no, this is The Juice Doctor - Hydration Fix: Lemon.

It is "still fruity water enriched with vitamins and minerals for rapid rehydration". And it features a pic of a lemon wearing a pair of glasses, which I suppose you might find cute if you were the kind of person who finds Mr Potato Head cute.

― New Mark H (New MarkH), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:40 (nineteen years ago)

Wait, you can't actually be drinking pure lemon juice - you must mean some sort of "juice drink" right?

― A-ron Hubbard (Hurting), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:43 (nineteen years ago)

well yes, I suppose. It has a hydration booster, I just discovered. "Potassium choloride has been found to increase fluid uptake" it says. But isn't it in every foodstuff evah??

― New Mark H (New MarkH), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:45 (nineteen years ago)

No, I'm guessing it's some sort of still fruity water enriched with vitamins and minerals.

xpost TIMING!

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:46 (nineteen years ago)

innocent smoothies

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:51 (nineteen years ago)

"Bifidus Digestivum" in Danone yoghurts. which, of course, must be good for your body as it sounds like 'digestion'.

and 'friendly bacteria' invented by Dr Schroeder fifty years ago so they could create 'Yakult' 45 years later.

― CraigG (Craig Gilchrist), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:52 (nineteen years ago)

I wish Danone would actually tell you what these fabulous health-giving effects actually are on the packet. Because they never go into any scientific detail at all. I should probably just stop drinking them, but I'm kinda hooked.

― Do Not Feed The Crush (kate), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:53 (nineteen years ago)

Apparently it's called Bifidus Regularis in the US, it's invented by danone, and "while some consumers seem to gain relief from using this product, others see results from no change to chronic diarrhea."

I think you're hooked on laxatives.

― CraigG (Craig Gilchrist), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:58 (nineteen years ago)

innocent smoothies

Beat me to it

― Feargal Hixxy (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:59 (nineteen years ago)

and 'friendly bacteria' invented by Dr Schroeder fifty years ago so they could create 'Yakult' 45 years later.

my ex-colleague swore by pre/probiotic yoghurts as a means of warding off illness. i like yoghurt anyway so don't mind buying them, but i have been ill all year and they're not helping :(

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 14:59 (nineteen years ago)

Fuck gobbledegook, here's some crisps with a GOBBLEDOCK. (Nobody will get this.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uXCz0DYh3c

― SAVE IT FOR THE CAKE LIST YOU CRAZY BROAD (patog27), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:03 (nineteen years ago)

M&S?

― Johnney B English (stigoftdump), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:06 (nineteen years ago)

prebiotic yoghurt = made of primaeval soup.

― New Mark H (New MarkH), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:07 (nineteen years ago)

Johnney OTM. See also: Crisps that mention any sort of 'Slow roasted' meat, 'cracked black pepper' and 'sea salt' etc... (mostly 'sensations')

― CraigG (Craig Gilchrist), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:11 (nineteen years ago)

can it get more specific. I have seen Mediterranean Sea Salt. How long before we see Sicilian Sea Salt??

Actually "produce of more than one sea" would look quite cool on a packet of salty crisps.

― New Mark H (New MarkH), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:13 (nineteen years ago)

Haha, yes. Sea Salt Crisps!

"Here! Try some Sea Salt Crisps!"
"Um, aren't they plain?"
"No, these are different. They have salt...FROM THE SEA!!"

― SAVE IT FOR THE CAKE LIST YOU CRAZY BROAD (patog27), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:14 (nineteen years ago)

From Walkers own page, sensations flavours:

Vintage Cheddar & Red Onion Chutney;Oven Roasted Chicken with Lemon & Thyme; Slow Roasted Lamb with Moroccan Spices; Gently Infused Lime & Thai Spices;Thai Sweet Chilli.

― CraigG (Craig Gilchrist), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:16 (nineteen years ago)

Barbecue flavoured crisps are the worst offenders. They taste of neither brick, metal or charcoal.

― Johnney B English (stigoftdump), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:17 (nineteen years ago)

sidebar: fuck a 'lightly salted'. they are salted as fuck!

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:17 (nineteen years ago)

"less salty than fuck"

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:20 (nineteen years ago)

The worst fucking crisps ever were in Australia last year when they were trying to some wacky Commonwealth Games tie-in shit. Therefore, FOR A LIMITED TIME, you could "enjoy" such crisp flavours like Canadian Bacon, English Roast Beef and worst of all, Aussie Sausage Sizzle. Fuuuuuck, I take back everything I've said about the quasi-posh "Lime Cracked Pepper with Sea Salt" crisps.

― SAVE IT FOR THE CAKE LIST YOU CRAZY BROAD (patog27), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:21 (nineteen years ago)

All those "flavoured waters" are absolutely disgusting! I remember getting a free bottle of strawberry volvic when it came out and actually having to spit it out IN PUBLIC because it made me gag! This was at Glastonbury though, not on the street, and I don't think anyone saw.

What's wrong with "Canadian Bacon" flavour? They have "Canadian Ham" seabrooks crisps and they're yummy! And I don't mind if they say "English" in front of my "Roast Beef" flavour crisps! Not that I've eaten beef flavoured crisps in years. I should start again. The Aussie one sounds silly, but hey, promo things are allowed to be silly!

Now, if it were "Lincolnshire Premium 28 Day Hung Matured Beef with Port Infused Dripping" that would be another story.

(another YUMMY story)

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:25 (nineteen years ago)

"Old Lard"

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:27 (nineteen years ago)

Barbecue flavoured crisps are the worst offenders. They taste of neither brick, metal or charcoal.

first definition for 'barbeque'

pieces of beef, fowl, fish, or the like, roasted over an open hearth, esp. when basted in a barbecue sauce.

― Ms Misery (MissMiseryTX), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:28 (nineteen years ago)

The worst thing about the Commonwealth Games crisps, according to the stupid person I know who ate them, was that they tasted shite.

― SAVE IT FOR THE CAKE LIST YOU CRAZY BROAD (patog27), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:29 (nineteen years ago)

We just had in the office, some weird kettle chips fake pasta things. I didn't even get to read the packaging, but I'm sure it had to be great, as the things tasted vile. The viler the taste, the better the marketing gobbledegook.

― Do Not Feed The Crush (kate), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:30 (nineteen years ago)

Gnocchi crisps!

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:32 (nineteen years ago)

a couple of months ago my flatmate and i picked up some sainsbury's washing up liquid without looking at it closely in the supermarket. on closer inspection back home it turned out that this particular 'flavour' of washing up liquid was called APPLE QUAKE.

not so much annoying marketing as bemusing and slightly insane, really. why would anyone THINK to call WASHING UP LIQUID "apple quake"???

there was a small picture of an apple, as well, with a fault line splitting it open :(

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:32 (nineteen years ago)

People in marketing get bored, and have to express their artistic selves somehow.

― Do Not Feed The Crush (kate), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:32 (nineteen years ago)

I filled some marketing thing in for Kettle chips (I guess).

Every 6 months or so, I get a packet of some new product thingy through the post.

(Hang on, wasn't there some sort of 'first ten callers get a free bottle of tequila and some crisps' newspaper comp? I think that might have been it. Yes, I did get the liquid also)

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:33 (nineteen years ago)

All those "flavoured waters" are absolutely disgusting!

i like innocent's 'juicy water' - its more like a healthsome orange/mango squash than a flavoured water... if it wasn't for their smoothies, i would probably already be dead.

― i am not a nugget (stevie), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:34 (nineteen years ago)

I had the results of some "you asked for it, we made it" kettle crisps. The apple, sage and herb one was pretty good - it really did taste like stuffing.

― Do Not Feed The Crush (kate), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:34 (nineteen years ago)

xpost (squared) ha! the liquid was actual tequila, not tequila flavoured washing up liquid!

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:34 (nineteen years ago)

the cutesy blurbs on vitamin water bottles annoy me, although they would probably annoy me less if i didn't find the product itself to be vomit-inducing.

― lauren (laurenp), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:38 (nineteen years ago)

Slightly flavoured water:

Get a small slither of orange and crush it into a rusty sink full of water!

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:40 (nineteen years ago)

I've not tried the juicy water (!), although I am afraid I must be rockist in this respect: LEAVE WATER ALONE! As if the 'pure' water fannydangle wasn't enough - have you guys seen that super-saturated with oxygen water available? E-GAD!

(Does super-saturating water with oxygen even HAPPEN? I mean, like H2O plus extra O2 surely... oh I dunno)!

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:42 (nineteen years ago)

lightly flavored water reminds me of my mother's notion of 'ribena', which involved a minimal amount of the sugary stuff.

but yeah wtf @ those 'enhanced' waters, srsly? the apogee of this stuff has got to be selling 'special' water. it's a short step to magic beans.

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:43 (nineteen years ago)

As annoying as the little stories and aren't-we-such-a-good-company blurbs on pret a manger napkins and packaging are, I must admit I like having something to read on the rare occasion when I'm eating there.

― g00blar (gooblar), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:45 (nineteen years ago)

Gnocchi crisps

Gnocchrisps! Man that's hard to say.

(Does super-saturating water with oxygen even HAPPEN?

Wouldn't that make hydroxen peroxide? That'd give you quite a kick.

― === temporary username === (Mark C), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:46 (nineteen years ago)

Weak squash also deserves to be in that "unaccountably expensive" thread.

― Johnney B English (stigoftdump), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 15:47 (nineteen years ago)

Supersaturation means dissovled not as in joined atomically.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:00 (nineteen years ago)

Could it involve making the oxygen bits of H2O... BIGGER?!

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:01 (nineteen years ago)

H2OH MY GOD

― === temporary username === (Mark C), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:01 (nineteen years ago)

Coke = water super-saturated with carbon dioxide

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:02 (nineteen years ago)

I am finding this ALL TOO CONFUSING.

JM please explain using Topsy and Tim style language.

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:02 (nineteen years ago)

i saw a tv prog which explained the bermuda triangle by oxygen-supersaturated ocean ftb underwater landslides

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:03 (nineteen years ago)

I thought it was Atlantis.

― Johnney B English (stigoftdump), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:05 (nineteen years ago)

is that special water fizzy then?

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:05 (nineteen years ago)

The term supersaturation refers to a solution that contains more of the dissolved material than could be dissolved by the solvent under normal circumstances. It can also refer to a vapor of a compound that has a higher (partial) pressure than the vapor pressure of that compound.

Oh, er, I think I get it! But it still doesn't stop it from BEING RUBBISH. Take that, stupid Life o2 water. It has 10 times more oxygen in it so yr body has 10 times more oxygen in it. DOES THIS SCIENCE WORK?

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:08 (nineteen years ago)

Well, let's see. Is oxygen absorbed by the stomach? No, it's absorbed through the lungs. So unless you're inhaling this water (in which case you would DROWN), then no, it's not doing you any good.

― Do Not Feed The Crush (kate), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:09 (nineteen years ago)

is that special water fizzy then?

fizzy water generally is so wrong

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:10 (nineteen years ago)

Lex... I used to think so! Then I had to go a month off the sauce, and it became a lifesaver!

It also gives you a funny feeling on yr tongue which you can amuse yrself with when imprisoned in any grey "conference facilities" which may or may not involve powerpoint.

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:11 (nineteen years ago)

Great for hangovers too.

― Johnney B English (stigoftdump), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:12 (nineteen years ago)

Then I had to go a month off the sauce, and it became a lifesaver!

i'm taking a month (a possibly "month", we'll see how it goes) off booze at the moment! i prefer vitamin c tablets dissolved in normal water though.

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:16 (nineteen years ago)

OTM. also, as i rarely eat/drink things that are healthy, i like the packaging to congratulate me for doing so, when i do so.

― i am not a nugget (stevie), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:18 (nineteen years ago)

All fizzy pop got way too sweet for me so I ended up with the options of yuck overprice concentrate juice, boring old lime and soda, TAP WATER which to be honest is best but you can hardly order tap waters all night and then fizzy water!

GOJI BERRIES annoy me.

(I like chewy vitamin c)

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:19 (nineteen years ago)

Oh but dissolving fizzy vitamin C is so much FUN.

― g00blar (gooblar), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:29 (nineteen years ago)

ILX- where observational comedy goes to die.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:30 (nineteen years ago)

Look, it's Dom Passantino! Ha ha!

I see what you mean.

― Bhumibol Adulyadej (Lucretia My Reflection), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:31 (nineteen years ago)

GOJI BERRIES should annoy you. They are also called cloudberries and are found in hedgerows in Britain, but they had this major marketing campaign for them which kinda implied they were exclusively grown in Tibet.

― New Mark H (New MarkH), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:31 (nineteen years ago)

Given the fuss about foodmiles, I'd have thought that berries grown in local hedgerows would be far more marketable to health conscious people than weird shit flown in from Tibet.

― Do Not Feed The Crush (kate), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:32 (nineteen years ago)

Goji berries are also called Wolf Berries. How can you be annoyed by anything called Wolf Berry? It's a great name.

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:34 (nineteen years ago)

Wolf Gillespie is probably annoying

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:36 (nineteen years ago)

TS: Health conscious vs environmentally conscious.

― Johnney B English (stigoftdump), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:42 (nineteen years ago)

We had some wolfberries sent to the office a while back. They tasted very dull and going on the breathless excitement of the press bumph you'd think they cured AIDS

― Feargal Hixxy (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:45 (nineteen years ago)

VitaminWater. SoBe iced teas.
Dasani bottled water (it's a Coca-Cola brand) I think the Dasani name is supposed to evoke images of thirsty Africans, so we drink more water out of pity.

― aimurchie (aimurchie), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 16:59 (nineteen years ago)

> the apogee of this stuff has got to be selling 'special' water.

i'm still amazed that they sell (non-special) water in such amounts. nationwide drought? yes, it's because all the water that would normally be in the sky / lakes / rivers etc is on supermarket shelves.

> And it features a pic of a lemon wearing a pair of glasses

i think mark H has been drinking hooch on the quiet.

― My Koogy Weighs A Ton (koogs), Tuesday, 9 January 2007 17:10 (nineteen years ago)

Hear hear. I read the other day that Coca Cola sell (or make, maybe) more bottled water than they do Coke, even. And in Australia, they get obscenely cheap subsidised water from our rapidly-dwindling supplies (they pay way less than households or farmers do)... and then they bottle the shit and sell it back to us for $3 a bottle, fuck off!

Also, bottled water hasn't got flouride in it, so all the kiddies teeth have started to rot now, innit.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 01:42 (nineteen years ago)

Now now. No one who grew up off of city water lines got fluoride in their drinking water anyway. For instance, anyone in my family!

― Laurel (Laurel), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 01:55 (nineteen years ago)

On a sort of related note (not really), what do Kelloggs' 'LCMs' stand for?

― S- (sgh), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 02:52 (nineteen years ago)

Like Cardboard Meals?

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 02:54 (nineteen years ago)

"Hear hear. I read the other day that Coca Cola sell (or make, maybe) more bottled water than they do Coke, even."

Dasani. I guess it hasn't hit your shelves. The label is Dasani - evoking a fake African nation that makes you thirsty. Advertisers are smart!

it's evil , it sucks, and it IS Coca-Cola.

― aimurchie (aimurchie), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 06:05 (nineteen years ago)

An advert, not the packaging, but still...

This is not just food, it's Marks and Spencers' food.

Fuck off.

― Anna (Anna), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 13:19 (nineteen years ago)

xposts

they did launch dasani in the UK and iirc it was flopped and we dumped them all in the proverbial boston harbour.

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 13:22 (nineteen years ago)

dasani was discovered to actually be tap water, only slight polluted, I think.

― Mark Co (Markco), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 13:26 (nineteen years ago)

dasani launched, but it turned out that the 'purifying' process they used somehow left it with over-EU-sanctioned levels of some carcinogenic substance, and had to be pulled from the shelves. I remember the mirror going 'peckham spring more like - also IT GIVES YOU CANCER'.

― ampersand, spades, semicolon (cis), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 13:26 (nineteen years ago)

I only fools and horses has done one good thing it was giving us a cultural reference point to string Coca-Colas rebottled carcinogenic tapwater from.

― Jarlr'mai (jarlrmai), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:04 (nineteen years ago)

This is not just food, it's Marks and Spencers' food.

Fuck off.

Oh but it's fun doing the highlarious "this is not just lard..." parodies

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:05 (nineteen years ago)

also Dirvla needs the work

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:06 (nineteen years ago)

Wasn't Dasani just taken from the mains water system and spruced up a bit (or made cancery) prior to re-sale? It was no longer on sale after about a month, iirc.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:14 (nineteen years ago)

Oh, those spare rib flavour Walkers Sensations list 'pork powder' in the ingredients, which is nice.

― Mädchen (Madchen), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:15 (nineteen years ago)

The Vitamin Water ones do really irritate me, because they "let you in on the joke," but you're still paying $2 for sweetened water so the joke's on you.

― A-ron Hubbard (Hurting), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

Oh but it's fun doing the highlarious "this is not just lard..." parodies

This is true. Boyfriend and I have much fun in M&S being all: "this is not just a baked potato, it's a King Edward tuber hand-grown by the King himself and roasted to perfection in the centre of the sun..." etc. Must spend less time in Marks and Spencers.

― Anna (Anna), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:42 (nineteen years ago)

Oh my god, the M&S adverts make me want to KILL KILL KILL!

― marianna lcl (marianna lcl), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 15:13 (nineteen years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.