MC's running NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST IN X SECONDS thread

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Last night! Legalised begging on live TV!

Million Pound Giveaway! The dregs of society prostrating themselves afore a panel of Kapitalist scumdreck including Convicted Criminal Jeffrey Archer (so naturally the guy who'd been inside was going to get his money), Duncan Bannatyne Out Of Dragons Den, Ann Summers Woman, Another Woman and Mr 1986...begging, I ask you, PLEADING for scraps from their gilded bowls!

NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST IN FIVE SECONDS (one for each of them)

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 13:48 (nineteen years ago)

that first show, the poor people begging in front of self-righteous moralizing rich people, is the worst thing ever

― Storefront Church (688), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 13:51 (nineteen years ago)

I caught five minutes of that last week and had to switch it off.

― onimo (onimo), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 13:55 (nineteen years ago)

at a guess, is this on ITV?

― You've Got Scourage On Your Breath (Haberdager), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 13:58 (nineteen years ago)

That would be correct, yes, just before the oxymoronically-titled Soapstar Superstars.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:08 (nineteen years ago)

Next week, a similar format where contestants have to grovel for their lives. The losers will be executed--LIVE!

― you win again, gravity! (tissp), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:09 (nineteen years ago)

Oh and there will be text voting.

― you win again, gravity! (tissp), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:11 (nineteen years ago)

Soapstar Superstars?

Satire is dead. I'll only forgive ITV if Chris Morris is behind the whole sordid thing, and is indeed planning to implement tissp's idea any time soon.

No, actually, ITV is the worst thing ever and deserves nary a fifth of a second before nuclear holocaust.

― You've Got Scourage On Your Breath (Haberdager), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:12 (nineteen years ago)

we are probably about 5-10 years away from a gameshow where the loser has to have their pet executed in front of them

― Storefront Church (688), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:14 (nineteen years ago)

That's a bit optimistic, I would say.

― you win again, gravity! (tissp), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:15 (nineteen years ago)

Pets Lose Lives

― Storefront Church (688), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:18 (nineteen years ago)

"it's me or the dog".

er, okay. it's you. BLAM.

― grimly fiendish (grimlord), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:19 (nineteen years ago)

swap the words "pet" and "loser" and we have a winner!

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:21 (nineteen years ago)

i thought the iannucci/time trumpet 'rape an ape' thing was a bit crude, but it really is going that way isn't it?

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:23 (nineteen years ago)

"Nine Lives", where nine cat owners struggle not to be the one whose pet gets slaughtered by the quizmaster

― You've Got Scourage On Your Breath (Haberdager), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:25 (nineteen years ago)

The only worthy programme I want to see in this format is called:

"Give me your money (you bastards)"

Where the exact same panel is confronted by people who are not begging but demanding their money. With dogs. Or whatever. And the one that truly scares the panel the most gets a BONUS!!!

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:25 (nineteen years ago)

obv none of these foax are actual real economic-cultural gatekeepers IRL but i think i'd rather have TV* that depicts the GKs as ignorant capricious moralising cockfarmers than TV that
a. hides them away totally (allowing you to believe that YOU are a gatekeeper oh voter-viewer)
and/or
b. depicts them as wise noble likeable better-than-sugar overlords

the problem with revelation is that it is often also normalisation (cf all cop shows, real or fictional, which showcase police corruption)

*(not that i had any desire to watch this -- but dragon's den was riveting)

― mark s (mark s), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:33 (nineteen years ago)

Pets Win Prizes In Afterlife (with Danny Baker)

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:35 (nineteen years ago)

you watch the ITV you deserve

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

OTMFM

― You've Got Scourage On Your Breath (Haberdager), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

also it depends on your region

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:36 (nineteen years ago)

million pound giveaway is repulsive. there are lots of these shows around at the moment aren't there? i remember that one where some millionaires have to go and live in hackney, and pretend to be poor people, before truning round and beatifically showering money on one (one only) specially chosen Genuine Poor Person. and then i saw a grau article which argued that this programme was a socially beneficial thing because it helped the millionaire's son to grow as a person by experiencing poverty for himself.

also let's not forget gillian mckeith and her alarming obsession with poor people's poo.

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:45 (nineteen years ago)

i remember that one where some millionaires have to go and live in hackney, and pretend to be poor people

joke... forming...

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:46 (nineteen years ago)

I watched it thinking it was going to be basically Dragon's Den (which was grebt) and the first one sort of was in that people wanted the money to put novelty records out/build holiday homes for sick children/whatever and most of the people didn't seem to be taking it very seriously but the second one was so painful to watch I had to leave the room.

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 14:47 (nineteen years ago)

The Victorians are back and this time they've got televisions

― Storefront Church (688), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 15:22 (nineteen years ago)

Now that Michael Grade's back at ITV perhaps there'll be an improvement in quality and we'll get Soapstar Improv as I suggested to them several years ago.

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Wednesday, 10 January 2007 15:22 (nineteen years ago)

THURSDAY 11 JANUARY

Documentary

Tourettes de France

10:00pm - 11:00pm

Channel 4

Keith Allen travels to Paris on a double-decker bus with a bunch of teenagers who have Tourette syndrome: it's the kind of idea that could turn out cringe-makingly wacky or heart-warmingly strange. Happily, it's the latter. Since part of the teenagers' exhausting condition is a compulsion to blurt out obscenities at full volume, the language could hardly be worse. These guys make Gordon Ramsay look like a mother superior. ("Suck my t**s!" one of them shouts, apparently addressing Canterbury Cathedral.) And lest we miss anything, the outbursts are captioned on screen in big wobbly letters, one of several knowing, postmodern touches. The film isn't quite as interesting and riotously funny as it thinks it is, but it has terrific moments, my favourite being when one of the group shouts "comb-over" at the nice French doctor they visit. And the obscenely redubbed version of Cliff Richard's Summer Holiday (to which the whole programme is a kind of warped homage) will be hard to forget.

Review from the online Radio Times. One of the few times in my life entirely summed up by "you couldn't make it up".

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Thursday, 11 January 2007 11:35 (nineteen years ago)

TV imitating TV Go Home

― teh_kit (g-kit), Thursday, 11 January 2007 11:38 (nineteen years ago)

"one of several knowing, postmodern touches" -- as opposed to all that inadvertent merely modernist sub-titling back in the day

if ever there was a concept exploded by its popular uptake it's that the term "postmodern" ever had an actually existing contentful referent

― mark s (mark s), Thursday, 11 January 2007 11:39 (nineteen years ago)

Keith Allen really does make the worst fucking documentaries of anyone ever ever.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 11:40 (nineteen years ago)

It'll be great!

Actors Turned Polemical Documentary Makers TS: Keith Allen vs Kenneth Griffith?

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 11 January 2007 11:44 (nineteen years ago)

Is this million pound giveaway the same thing as the prog on c4 where millionaires go undercover?

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Thursday, 11 January 2007 11:49 (nineteen years ago)

one of several knowing, postmodern touches - !!!!!!!
it's the kind of idea that could turn out cringe-makingly wacky or heart-warmingly strange. - INDEED

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Thursday, 11 January 2007 11:57 (nineteen years ago)

this programme is bad, i'm sure, but ITV is no worse than the other channels and better than them at a hell of a lot of things. actually ch4 is far more repugnant, on the whole, than ITV. talk of chris morris (AGAIN, ZZZ) doesn't make them any better than they are. also, and i'm sure everyone is fed up of me mentioning it, but corrie is the best programme on british TV now. it's the best drama and the best comedy. Louis, i don't think you're all that bad on the whole but reading this thread makes me think you probably are.

― jed_ (jed), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:00 (nineteen years ago)

i have never seen 'coronation st' but otherwise yeah it is hard to see how c4 trumps itv in any way; and the fact they're supposed constitutionally to represent some kind of alternative makes it even worse that their figureheads are fucking jimmy carr, kirsty and fucking phil, and noel fucking edmonds.

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:03 (nineteen years ago)

Jon Snow.

― g00blar (gooblar), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:04 (nineteen years ago)

i watch C4 more than ITV

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:04 (nineteen years ago)

xxp

yeah, exactly.

i have never seen 'coronation st'

i wish i'd never said that about you Louis, i think you're a good guy.

stevem, i watch more ch4 too. that fact doesn't makes it any better than itv though.

― jed_ (jed), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:07 (nineteen years ago)

yes pls shut up about chris morris louis

― Frogm@n Henry (Frogm@n Henry), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:11 (nineteen years ago)

But what about all the good tv that chris morris has made in the last ten years like oh wait.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:15 (nineteen years ago)

c4 and itv are as bad as each other as far as i can see - the only tv progs i ever watch (and these only rarely) are the us imports like desperate housewives though, these happen to be on c4 but c4 can't exactly be given any credit for them. i really hate tv even in the background, i hate its horrible mid-range blaring.

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:16 (nineteen years ago)

other weird thing probably mentioned elsewhere: tv burp is mainstream itv; screen wipe is not even primetime on *bbc4*.

louis is not alone in flogging the dead news horse (i tried for a morrisism there)! i wish he'd stop with the 'arrested development' refs tho.

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:16 (nineteen years ago)

There's also not a single good US import on Channel 4 anymore either. Desperate Housewives fell off like Rod Hull, Sopranos has been shunted off to E4, and Ugly Betty = chickflick holocaust in two seconds.

They need to get MTV's Yo Momma on side.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:17 (nineteen years ago)

Man Ugly Betty is awful.

― g00blar (gooblar), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:18 (nineteen years ago)

Ah yes, Kirsty and Fucking Phil, back on last night helping thrusting Thatcherkids to find a big house by the seaside in Kent and also a "bolthole" in poverty-stricken Putney NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST TWELVE SECONDS AGO

― Marcello Carlin (nostudium), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:19 (nineteen years ago)

lol at whichever tv critic who was so stuck for something positive to say about it praising ashley jensen standing around collecting woodworm as the highlight of the show.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:20 (nineteen years ago)

i haven't watched any of them regularly in over a year. loved desperate housewives 1st series but have no idea what's going on now. lost was annoying but compulsive, but again no idea what's going on. ugly betty is not bad but neither is it good enough to want to commit to every week which defeats the point of a programme of that ilk somewhat.

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:21 (nineteen years ago)

-- Dom Passantino (juror...), January 11th, 2007.

yeah this is the thing -- even four or five years ago 'the sopranos' and 'the west wing' were mainstream c4 items. there are loads of US programmes (OK about 5-7 that i know of) that c4 could import that'd be better than fucking desperate housewives (weeds, entourage, the wire ffs, i dunno i'll take a punt on studio 60, and i for one would like to see the unit) AND they lost lost, the cunts.

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:21 (nineteen years ago)

ah the west wing was SO SO GOOD back in the day!

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:21 (nineteen years ago)

i would watch tv again if the west wing was even just repeated.

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:22 (nineteen years ago)

to my huge surprise i really liked Ugly Betty. i've laughed heartily at 2 episodes so far.

ch4 lost lost? haha!

― jed_ (jed), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:22 (nineteen years ago)

I have no fucking idea why Channel 4 hasn't picked up Weeds. It's got EDGY EXCITING DRUGS REFERENCES and also has SUBURBIA MALAISE SO POSHIES CAN RELATE.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:23 (nineteen years ago)

without a trace is ok he said gloomily

― mark s (mark s), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:23 (nineteen years ago)

But at least C4 has this brand new show:

www.channel4.com/entertainment/ tv/microsites/S/skins/index_main.html

Nuclear holocaust last Wednesday, plz.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:23 (nineteen years ago)

they do on more4 and it was ALL good except the bad one (s05).

xposts to lex

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:23 (nineteen years ago)

haha i was gonna start 'skins' anticipation thread.

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:24 (nineteen years ago)

I mean, if you're going to make a TV show that appears to have gotten stuck somewhere in 2002, you may want to stay away from getting DJ Yoda to do the soundtrack to it. I dunno, The Distillers and Chilly Gonzales were busy, what?

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:24 (nineteen years ago)

Urgh, fucking hell, buildup for this Skins show is making me want to strap myself to a warhead.

― teh_kit (g-kit), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:25 (nineteen years ago)

bizarre to see that wee guy from that hugh grant+wee guy film all growed up.

― jed_ (jed), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:27 (nineteen years ago)

they do on more4 and it was ALL good except the bad one (s05).

xposts to lex

don't know how to get more 4 :(

parents have videos, would have stolen them at xmas but i don't have a video player

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:28 (nineteen years ago)

Shameless is good.

― Johnney B English (stigoftdump), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:30 (nineteen years ago)

shameless seems stretched a bit thin as they lose people

― mark s (mark s), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:33 (nineteen years ago)

re this 'Louis stop talking about stuff you like' - why don't we just ban under 21s from ILX and have done with it?

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:36 (nineteen years ago)

i'm as bored of Morris-love than anyone else but Louis should probably do a Lex here and stand firm.

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:37 (nineteen years ago)

i did not expect to see Ashley Jensen in Ugly Betty.

daftest bit of the first Ugly Betty was when she stormed off into the street after getting roped into doing the modelling, STILL wearing the garish revealing PVC outfit but seemingly oblivious to this.

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:39 (nineteen years ago)

i was about to post 'you're wrong, and you're a grotesquely ugly freak', but then realized that zing thread syndrome had pretty much taken over my brain.

xpost

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:40 (nineteen years ago)

also that would've been really boring

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:41 (nineteen years ago)

it was actually the whole superciliousness over ITV that annoyed me rather than the morris refs.

xxp

― jed_ (jed), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:42 (nineteen years ago)

i know right -- but also ironic!

xpost

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:42 (nineteen years ago)

Ugly Betty kinda reminds me of that Placebo song where Brian Molko, without any irony, draws parallels between goff kids being picked on at school, and ACTUAL FUCKING LYNCHINGS OF BLACK GUYS IN 1920S AMERICA. Ugly Betty is pretty similar, "Hey, being ugly is a pretty similar experience to being Hispanic, amirite?" Although wandering Dale Gribble clones patrolling the US border to ensure ugly people don't get in could get kudos.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:43 (nineteen years ago)

The Bill is still okay. I have TV crush on Mel Gutteridge but never mind about that.

List all good current ITV shows please.

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:49 (nineteen years ago)

South Bank Show

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:51 (nineteen years ago)

'tv burp'
um
'the office'
'entourage'
rpts of 'miami vice', 'lovejoy', etc.

― the original hauntology blogging crew (Enrique), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:51 (nineteen years ago)

ITV piss me off because they do not allow their schedules to be listed on Bleb nor do they allow Homechoice to stream any of their programmes on demand anymore. The latter is most likely down to Sky takeover but the former, well perhaps they're just too ashamed generally?

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:53 (nineteen years ago)

Ugly Betty is pretty similar, "Hey, being ugly is a pretty similar experience to being Hispanic, amirite?"

erm you know it was originally a latin american telenovela, yes?

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:56 (nineteen years ago)

Yeah, but when you translate it into an American setting, and it becomes less "we (ugly) people get dissed down by the establishment" and instead "we (ugly/Hispanic depending on what tone the show wants to take tonight) people don't get treated fair by the white teeth/white skin man", it gets into territory it shouldn't really bother entering.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 12:57 (nineteen years ago)

i assume salma hayek just didn't want to translate it too far - clearly she felt that the hispanic setting was important to an extent. i've only watched the pilot and didn't notice that much flagging up of "Being Hispanic" as an issue - the class thing was more apparent.

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:01 (nineteen years ago)

either way the whole idea 'thick rimmed specs + braces = ugly' thing seems a failure of imagination.

― reverto levidensis (blueski), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:03 (nineteen years ago)

When Channel 4 first did the adverts it didn't twig that the metal stuff attached to her teeth was braces, I thought they were taking the piss out of Paul Wall or something.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:04 (nineteen years ago)

the real reason she doesn't convince as ugly isn't just because the braces and eyebrows are just comedy, it's because she has PERFECT SKIN.

― lex pretend (lex pretend), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:11 (nineteen years ago)

You can also see perfectly straight American pearly white actress teeth behind the braces.

― onimo (onimo), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:12 (nineteen years ago)

They should have got Simon Weston to play her.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:13 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.mushrumps.com/gfx/sleeves/57.jpg

― teh_kit (g-kit), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:13 (nineteen years ago)

either way the whole idea 'thick rimmed specs + braces = ugly' thing seems a failure of imagination.
-- reverto levidensis (n...), January 11th, 2007 1:03 PM. (blueski) (later)

i thought so too from the trailers but, and i guess this is an obvious point and the obvious point of the programme, but she's not "ugly" nor do the programme makers think she is, it's everyone else she works with who is ugly.

― jed_ (jed), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:14 (nineteen years ago)

It's the American Nathan Barley!

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:16 (nineteen years ago)

lol jk

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:16 (nineteen years ago)

much funnier than that.

― jed_ (jed), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:34 (nineteen years ago)

Er, I don't think anyone in their right mind actually thinks Ugly Betty is ugly. Also, how is Vanessa Williams the white man? And Gina Gershon, who appeared in the first episode, and Salma Hayek, who is going to show up later?

I'm not sure why I'm defending the show so vigorously other than the fact that I like it and deciding in advance that you don't like a show and then looking for reasons to back that up seems kind of dafter than just deciding you don't like it based on the trailer and then watching it anyway.

I have no fucking idea why Channel 4 hasn't picked up Weeds.

Because Sky have got it.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:34 (nineteen years ago)

Wait, what I meant was it seems dafter than deciding you don't like it based on the trailer and then not watching it. That's what I meant.

― accentmonkey (accentmonkey), Thursday, 11 January 2007 13:50 (nineteen years ago)

the whole situation with betty's family is briliiant esp. her (probably gay) little brother who gives an amazing performance.

― jed_ (jed), Thursday, 11 January 2007 14:16 (nineteen years ago)

Hello, I quite enjoyed the Keith Allen Tourette's documentary.

And now, you say.....

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 12 January 2007 10:13 (nineteen years ago)

gtfo

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Friday, 12 January 2007 10:46 (nineteen years ago)

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