Beryl thread - the sandbox era and beyond

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I have cut/pasted the sandbox thread below :

She's on great form today.
To me : "Ooo sweetie, where 'ave you been this week? And where's that £50 I gave yer aht of petty cash, eh?"

On phone : " 'E should know bettah than to leave his tools in the van, darlin'. 'Ow many times 'ave you told 'im pwecious?"

On phone again : "You AIN'T PAID FOR IT SO YOU CAN'T 'AVE IT! Do you foller me?"

Just now to colleague : "I'm no longer your work wife darlin'. Consider yourself SO BLOODY DIVORCED!"

-- Dr.C (petethane...), November 30th, 2006. (Dr.C)

Answers
She still got it.
-- Sir Gregory of St.Kitts (kittenslikemil...), November 30th, 2006. (g-kit)

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"Consider yourself SO BLOODY DIVORCED!" is a work of art.
-- Matt DC (runmd...), November 30th, 2006. (Matt DC)

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Did she really give you £50 out of petty cash? You better pay it back, I don't want her getting in trouble.
-- accentmonkey (tris...), November 30th, 2006. (accentmonkey)

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£50 was to get a 'present' for a customer who we're trying to butter up. I promise not to get her in trouble.
-- Dr.C (petethane...), November 30th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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Are the inverted commas supposed to insinuate that you bought this customer a 1/4 of weed? Because they do.
-- Sir Gregory of St.Kitts (kittenslikemil...), November 30th, 2006. (g-kit)

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No they were fresh out, so I got a crystal meth starter pack instead.
-- Dr.C (petethane...), November 30th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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Bargainous.
-- Sir Gregory of St.Kitts (kittenslikemil...), November 30th, 2006. (g-kit)

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To me just now (in wheedling voice) : "'Ave you got me a Christmas pressy yet, sweetie?"
On phone : "I'll send me bruvver down, that's wot I'll do - 'e likes a fight! And his mate Jim likes a fight an all!"

-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 8th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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I was thinking about Beryl this morning, wondering what she'd been saying recently.
-- C J (CJ_The_Unrul...), December 8th, 2006. (C J)

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i'm on Beryl watch today as I'm back in the office now. Watch this space.
-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 8th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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Have you got her a Christmas present yet?
-- C J (CJ_The_Unrul...), December 8th, 2006. (C J)

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No, but I think I should. She deserves something. But what?
-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 8th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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copy of 1984
-- Ronan (ronan.fitzgerald...), December 8th, 2006. (Ronan)

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-- C J (CJ_The_Unrul...), December 8th, 2006. (C J)

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Beryl strikes me as the kind of lady who'd like a nice box of choccies.
-- accentmonkey (tris...), December 8th, 2006. (accentmonkey)

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Nice one, CJ!!
Choccies - no. She'd like them, but is on a diet.

Earlier (on phone) : " I wish I 'ad the TIME to check every hinvoice, pwecious. But I really 'aven't. Can it wait until Monday sweetie?"

-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 8th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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There was a certain amount of simpering in that last phone call. I think she may have been talking to her fancy man from accounts aka G4reth.
-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 8th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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::insert picture of G looking quizzically at phone::
-- masonic boom (kateotheremail@yahoo.co.uk), December 8th, 2006. (kate)

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Oh Dr. C. Obviously she's on a diet. Choccies for christmas, though, are your way of telling her she doesn't need to be on a diet because you love her the way she is.
Plus, if she's really on a diet, she'll open them in the office and you can all scoff them.

-- accentmonkey (tris...), December 8th, 2006. (accentmonkey)

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"I'll send me bruvver down, that's wot I'll do - 'e likes a fight! And his mate Jim likes a fight an all!"
I oughtta smash his face in...Yeah, but he's bigger than me, innt he. I know, I'll get my mate Barry to hit him, he'd flatten him.

-- Laurel (sininspac...), December 8th, 2006. (Laurel)

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"I'll send me bruvver down, that's wot I'll do - 'e likes a fight! And his mate Jim likes a fight an all!"
HA! she sounds exactly like my friend's sister-in-law, trish.

-- Lauren (warmleatherett...), December 8th, 2006. (lauren)

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"Tina pwecious - can you just run these dahn to the post hoffice, sweetie? I'm pressed for time at the moment darlin', I really am"
(To me) "Ow's your bwoken wib, sweetie? Not stoppin' yer enjoyin' Christmas is it, darlin'?"

-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 19th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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What sort of voice does she have? In my head, she's become Angie off EastEnders, but I'm guessing it's rougher than that?
-- ailsa_xx (ailsa...), December 19th, 2006. (ailsa_xx)

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I imagine her as the secretary in Saxondale.
-- Euai Kapaui (tracerhan...), December 19th, 2006. (tracerhand)

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I imagine her voice being a higher-pitched version of Marcia from Spaced.

-- Forest Pines (il...), December 19th, 2006. (ForestPines)

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I like Beryl already and I've only known of her existence for five minutes.
-- MarkH (mark.heste...), December 19th, 2006. (MarkH)

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I imagine her to be in her 50s, a little on the plump side, about 5ft 2ins tall,, dyed blonde hair piled up on top of her head in an elaborate style, small feet - probably about size 4) with high heeled court shoes, and immaculately-polished fingernails. She brings a shopping bag in to work with her every day, and really likes scarves and Barry Manilow.
-- C J (CJ_The_Unrul...), December 19th, 2006. (C J)

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I think CJ and I both have the same Beryl Cook impression of Beryl.
-- accentmonkey (tris...), December 19th, 2006. (accentmonkey)

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The Beryl Files :
Voice : Kira from This Life with a touch of Babs Windsor.

Age : She's younger than me! No-one knows exactly, but I reckon about 37/38. I'll ask if I dare.

Hair : dark, dyed sort of browny-aubergine

Miscellaneous : yes, quite plump. Always smart. About 5ft 4 ins. CJ OTM about the shopping bag. Watches a LOT of telly, likes pubs and music. Seems to know quite a lot about reggae and soul and 80's pop.

-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 19th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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(Snippet just overheard) "....The lights are orf and there's wawtah runnin' dahn the wall!"
(On phone just now....very loudly) "I'M JUS' DOIN' IT NOW, DARLIN'. ALRIGHT?'!!"

-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 19th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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Now I've described her you've all gone off her, haven't you?
-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 19th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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To the contrary!
-- Euai Kapaui (tracerhan...), December 19th, 2006. (tracerhand)

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Not at all. She should have her own sitcom.
-- accentmonkey (tris...), December 19th, 2006. (accentmonkey)

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with Fractured playing the theme tune, obv.
-- MarkH (mark.heste...), December 19th, 2006. (MarkH)

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Who would play her though?
-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 19th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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Kathy Burke?
-- MarkH (mark.heste...), December 19th, 2006. (MarkH)

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Kira from This Life!
(I think Mrs Dr C should play her)

-- ailsa_xx (ailsa...), December 19th, 2006. (ailsa_xx)

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Who would play her in the bad American adaptation?
-- Ned Raggett (ne...), December 19th, 2006. (Ned)

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Fran Drescher
-- Ed (dal...), December 19th, 2006. (dali)

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Jane Leeves
-- ailsa_xx (ailsa....), December 19th, 2006. (ailsa_xx)

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Kathy Burke is a great suggestion. B's a bit more glamorous than her though.
Luisa B-W is also possible.

Mrs. Dr. C can do the voice, but otherwise miscast I think.

-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 19th, 2006. (Dr.C)

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Perhaps we could have animated Beryl.
-- accentmonkey (tris...), December 19th, 2006. (accentmonkey)

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it could be kind of The Simpsons meets The Office.
-- MarkH (mark.heste...), December 19th, 2006. (MarkH)

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i've been imagining her looking like this:

-- stevie (looking@you.com), December 20th, 2006. (stevie2)

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(On-phone, through gritted teeth) "Darlin', cwedit-hold don't mean we ain't shippin' the order. We just ain't shippin' it YET."
She's in a better mood this afternoon though :

Just now to colleague - "PAUL! PAUL! Give us a KISS sweetie!"

Just now on phone "Listen darlin', as Meg Wyan said in When 'Arry Met Sally.........YES! YES! YES!"

I think several Cinzano and lemonades may have been involved at lunchtime. I daren't venture near her desk.

-- Dr.C (petethane...), December 21st, 2006. (Dr.C)

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Did Beryl have a nice Christmas? Did she get tipsy on New Year's Eve and kiss a stranger or two?
-- C J (CJ_The_Unrul...), January 3rd, 2007. (C J)

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There's some interesting Beryl news.
1) She's had a mystery falling-out with her office 'best friend' and they're really ostentatiously 'not speaking'.

2) IRL she lives not too far from me, and by chance I met her IN THE PUB over Christmas! She was with her Dad (think Dave from Chas n Dave) and I was with the missus, taking a well-earned break from the 'festivities' (i.e hiding from various family members who were hell-bent on setting the world record for longest period being waited on hand-and foot). She was in fine form, but I noticed that she toned down the 'sweeties' and 'pweciouses' a bit, which really wasn't necessary.

-- Dr.C (petethane...), January 3rd, 2007. (Dr.C)

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 18 January 2007 10:24 (nineteen years ago)

And this morning :

"Umbwellas ain't no use to ME, darlin'. I can't KEEP 'em - I left me last one on a twain"

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 18 January 2007 10:26 (nineteen years ago)

yay, more beryl:)
is she still 'not speaking' to her friend?

― estela (estela), Thursday, 18 January 2007 11:31 (nineteen years ago)

No she isn't. I will find out more when I can, but 'friend' isn't saying. I will ask B herself.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 18 January 2007 11:35 (nineteen years ago)

we have to know.

― estela (estela), Thursday, 18 January 2007 12:04 (nineteen years ago)

What do female workplace friendships fail over?

(a) Fancying the same man? Perhaps Christmas kissing was involved.

(b) Lending something treasured and not getting it back/having it accidentally broken?

― C J (C J), Thursday, 18 January 2007 14:08 (nineteen years ago)

(d) Slagging off behind back

― Mädchen (Madchen), Thursday, 18 January 2007 14:15 (nineteen years ago)

ooh, yeah!

― C J (C J), Thursday, 18 January 2007 14:16 (nineteen years ago)

Is Beryl a slagger-offer, though? I don't have her pegged as one of those.

― C J (C J), Thursday, 18 January 2007 14:17 (nineteen years ago)

No, Beryle isn't - in fact, she's from the generation that sees that kind of betrayal as worse than Hitler. It was her *friend* who did the slagging off, you see, hence Beryl's silence - I ain't going to bitch her out, tweacle, but I ain't saying one more word to That Woman.

― === temporary username === (Mark C), Thursday, 18 January 2007 14:20 (nineteen years ago)

Not really - she's more likely to speak her mind openly.

(a) Fancying the same man? Perhaps Christmas kissing was involved.

Could be. Not me though (as far as I know)

(b) Lending something treasured and not getting it back/having it accidentally broken?

An umbwella?

Again, possible

― Dr.C (Dr.C), Thursday, 18 January 2007 14:21 (nineteen years ago)

Just now to colleague :

"If you say you put it in my in-tway, then you put it in my in-tway, sweetie. Only it AIN'T THERE NOW"

Earlier to me :

"'Ave you 'ad a nice week, darlin'? Are you missin' 'er already?"

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Friday, 26 January 2007 15:05 (eighteen years ago)

I never want to meet her -- she's like this legendary figure that can only be described by those from beyond the fields we know.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Friday, 26 January 2007 15:06 (eighteen years ago)

I doubt you will, Ned!

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Friday, 26 January 2007 15:15 (eighteen years ago)

On phone, just now :

"Are you arsking if you can spend it, tweasure? Or are you twying to tell me that you've ALREADY SPENT IT"?

[pause]

"I KNOW it ain't my money, darlin'. But it ain't YOURS either, do you foller?"

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 13:46 (eighteen years ago)

I heart Beryl, I really do. Even her name is perfect.

Is she speaking to her fwend again yet?

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 14:24 (eighteen years ago)

Celeb Big Brother, next year!

― mark grout (mark grout), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 14:30 (eighteen years ago)

I am still trying to find out about her fwend. I need to butter her up a bit tomorrow because I need to get her to turn a blind eye to some money I have spent that I shouldn't have. I was thinking of starting with a 'how's things' type of approach, maybe offering to take her for coffee or something..

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 14:53 (eighteen years ago)

Beryl is my favourite ILXor who isn't actually on ILX. I seriously think I might come and stalk her some time. Dr C, if you bring her to a FAP, I will totally come to London instead of just making vague promises to do so.

― ailsa (ailsa), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 14:56 (eighteen years ago)

Ailsa - I dunno if she'd be up for a FAP. She's very sociable and likes pubs, but it's kind of a wierd set-up innit - 'come and meet all these people on the internet who KNOW you!'. She might come if she could bring a friend or two. If I just casually mentioned it, it might happen.

That said, she has been to see my band and I think has chatted to some ilxors there, or at least been in their presence sort of.

But....you totally have to come to London anyway!

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:09 (eighteen years ago)

I'm going to find her and stalk her anyway. Like what people do with celebs - I'll follow her at a lunchtime then sit at the next table to her in a cafe and hide behind a paper and listen out for what she says. Then REPORT BACK.

― ailsa (ailsa), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:12 (eighteen years ago)

Are you good at stalking celebs, ailsa? Any successes?

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:17 (eighteen years ago)

No. I sidled in to stand behind lovely lovely Dermot O'Leary at a pie stand at the football once and managed to surreptitiously take a photograph of the back of someone's head as "proof". This is about as good as it gets.

― ailsa (ailsa), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:30 (eighteen years ago)

I hope you haven't been spending money you didn't oughta on stuff you didn't oughta, like romancing TTH. Good luck with trying to get round Beryl on THAT one.

Ailsa, 'sidling' and 'pie stand' are essential elements for a new sitcom, and I demand someone write it immediately.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:37 (eighteen years ago)

Was the stand fully enclosed? If not it was a tart stand.

― onimo (onimo), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:40 (eighteen years ago)

Tarts don't stand, they lie down.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:41 (eighteen years ago)

That someone who owned the back of the head captured on film in the ever-so-amusing anecdote up there was NOT Dermot O'Leary, I should make clear. I am the worst stalker in the world. (actually asking if I could take a photo would be creepy, because I am probably OLDER than DO'L and therefore should know better)

― ailsa (ailsa), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:42 (eighteen years ago)

Sean Dermot Finton O'Leary (born 24 May 1973)

It was close :)

― onimo (onimo), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:44 (eighteen years ago)

I'm OLD :-/

Right, enough of this, back to BERYL please.

― ailsa (ailsa), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:45 (eighteen years ago)

Yes, I would like to know more BERYL FACTOIDS. Is there a Mister Beryl?

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 15:48 (eighteen years ago)

"'Ave you 'ad a nice week, darlin'? Are you missin' 'er already?"

Is Beryl insinuating that you have been UP TO NO GOOD with another woman?

Also, most importantly, have we established whether Beryl actually calls herself Bewyl?

― ailsa (ailsa), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 16:03 (eighteen years ago)

Beryl has noticed Dr C making puppydog eyes at TTH. Beryl misses nothing.

― C J (C J), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 16:14 (eighteen years ago)

Yes, Beryl was insinuating that. But I never did nuffink...as you well know....apart from making puppydog eyes. I did that a bit. (groans with shame)

No, the money is a semi-dodgy expenses claim that I need to make, and she needs to wave through. Nothing too bad.

Beryl facts - it was quite recently revealed that she is divorced. I think she's been divorced for a while, maybe 5+ years. There is no mang as far as I know. I haf met her dad (see waaay upthread). What other facts do you want to know? I'll try and find out her exact age.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 17:10 (eighteen years ago)

whether Beryl actually calls herself Bewyl?

As I interpret her accent, wouldn't it be more like "Bewyw"?

― === temporary username === (Mark C), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 17:15 (eighteen years ago)

yes - that's it.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Wednesday, 31 January 2007 17:21 (eighteen years ago)

Can't take B for coffee today - forgot that I'm out and about most of the day and tomorrow. Will have to try next week. Watch this space..

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 1 February 2007 09:21 (eighteen years ago)

Does she have any children? or does she live alone? Does she have any brothers or sisters? Where does she go on her summer holidays? How long has she worked in her present job?

― C J (C J), Thursday, 1 February 2007 09:40 (eighteen years ago)

No children. Lives alone. 1 brother. Hols - dunno, Selsey Bill I hope. She has worked here for about 5 years, before that she worked at the BBC and, I think, Sky or Capital Radio. I forget which.

― Dr. C (Dr. C), Thursday, 1 February 2007 09:49 (eighteen years ago)

three weeks pass...

This is where we left Beryl. I will paste in the last Sandbox era stuff at some point.

― Dr.C, Friday, 23 February 2007 15:11 (eighteen years ago)

Like now :

Beryl's adoring public demand more Beryl!
-- ailsa_xx (ailsa.watson@geeemail.com), February 12th, 2007. (ailsa_xx)

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There is lots of Beryl to report. I'm not sure I feel up to it today- we'll see. A cup of tea and a bacon roll might have restorative powers.
-- Dr.C (petethanet@planet.com), February 13th, 2007. (Dr.C)

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ask her about football
-- resumo impetus (no@no.com), February 13th, 2007. (blueski)

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we'll see.
PLEASE!! don't keep us hanging on like this!

-- emsk (vomit.quiff@hotmail.com), February 13th, 2007. ( emsk )

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A cup of tea and a bacon roll might have restorative powers.
Will you be having spread on your roll?

-- accentmonkey (trish@perfectlycromulent.com), February 13th, 2007. (accentmonkey)

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On a bacon roll, heavens to betsy that is wrong.
-- Ed (dali@zerointegrity.co.uk), February 13th, 2007. (dali)

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What's wronger is butter on a bacon roll. How people get that down without gagging I do not know.
-- Euai Kapaui (tracerhand@gmail.com), February 13th, 2007. (tracerhand)

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But Tracer, the flavour is in the fat.
-- Madchen (madchen_in_uniform@yahoo.co.uk), February 13th, 2007. (Madchen)

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maybe the flavour is the problem.
-- teh_kit (kittenslikemilk@hotmail.com), February 13th, 2007. (g-kit)

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Exactly?
xpost butter barely tastes like anything!

-- Euai Kapaui (tracerhand@gmail.com), February 13th, 2007. (tracerhand)

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I'm thinking about it more and the problem is the temperature. Cold butter does not go next to meat.
-- Euai Kapaui (tracerhand@gmail.com), February 13th, 2007. (tracerhand)

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It's funny to think that Beryl is so famous around the world, and yet is completely unaware of it.
-- C J (CJ_The_Unruly@hotmail.com), February 13th, 2007. (C J)

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Or so she lets us believe...
-- teh_kit (kittenslikemilk@hotmail.com), February 13th, 2007. (g-kit)

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But it should be the fat from the pan not added fat from butter. The bacon should bring it's own grease and if not the roll should be dragged around the pan dripping.
fry in butter by all means.

-- Ed (dali@zerointegrity.co.uk), February 13th, 2007. (dali)

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Cold butter does not go next to meat.
This is crazy talk. A baguette with jambon blanc is best with a good thick smear of unsalted butter.
-- Madchen (madchen_in_uniform@yahoo.co.uk), February 13th, 2007. (Madchen)

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Absolutely OTM.
-- Ed (dali@zerointegrity.co.uk), February 13th, 2007. (dali)

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The butter pretty much should be treated as cheese in that sandwich combination.
-- Ed (dali@zerointegrity.co.uk), February 13th, 2007. (dali)

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butter barely tastes like anything!
waht?

a LITTLE bit of butter in a bacon roll is fine

-- resumo impetus (no@no.com), February 13th, 2007. (blueski)

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What Would Beryl Do?
-- C J (CJ_The_Unruly@hotmail.com), February 13th, 2007. (C J)

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What do we want? Beryl! When do we want her? 'Old yer 'orses pwecious, I'm on me lunch bweak
-- It's Teatime in Buttercup Land (boyincorduroy@yahoo.com), February 13th, 2007. (Maaarghk C)

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Yeah, stop it with your mentalist bacon roll talk. More Beryl!
-- ailsa_xx (ailsa.watson@geeemail.com), February 13th, 2007. (ailsa_xx)

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This is officially my new favourite thread. Beryl love.
-- Hard like armour (mungbean@hotmail.com), February 13th, 2007. (Hard like armour)

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I hope Beryl gets a valentine's card from someone today.
-- C J (CJ_The_Unruly@hotmail.com), February 14th, 2007. (C J)

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I hope so too. I will try and find out. I just overheard this :
(Beryl on phone) : "So I sez, fank you for the woses...'ooever you are!"

What can that mean?

In other Beryl news :

a) The best friend tiff is patched up, I think. I never found out what was going on, but here and best-fwend went on a lunchtime shopping trip on Monday (see c)

b) I haven't taken her to lunch yet.

c) The shoppin' twip was to buy a gift for our office colleague, Graham (the recipient of the 'so bloody divorced' comment way upthread), who has just announced his engagement to the lovely and mysterious Louise, who no-one has met. Graham sits opposite Beryl and is her long-suffering sparring partner in office banter, albeit a rather gloomy one. They bought champagne, chocs and some SAUCY things. This led to some choice Berylisms e.g. :

" Gwaham -it sez on the packet 20 minutes of pleasure for you and your partner. That's 18 minutes more than usual, ain't it sweetie?"

I had a little contretemps with my expenses on Monday :

B (approaching my desk brandishing paperwork) : " Oi! Wot's THIS!"
Me : "My expenses?"
B (patiently) "Sweetheart, I can't pay 'em wivaht a VAT receipt, can I pwecious?"
Me : "Oh go on, you can just sign it off, can't you"
B "Larst time I did that Gaweth waised merry 'ell wiv' me, sweetie. He was WEALLY cwoss abaht it, darlin!"
Me : Just tell him it's my fault.
B : "Seein' as it's you, darlin', I'll sign it. But DON'T DO IT NO MORE, do you foller me"

-- Dr.C (petethanet@planet.com), February 14th, 2007. (Dr.C)

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Paper woses, paper woses, oh how weal those woses seeeemed to meee....

Beryl updates completely make my day.

-- C J (CJ_The_Unruly@hotmail.com), February 14th, 2007. (C J)

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Now I'm imagining her as the upstairs landlady in Spaced.
-- Euai Kapaui (tracerhand@gmail.com), February 14th, 2007. (tracerhand)

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Have the saucy things shocked people? Or maybe the anticipation of Beryl is better than the real thing?
-- Dr.C (petethanet@planet.com), February 14th, 2007. (Dr.C)

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I wasn't shocked at all. Beryl insinuating that Graham's capacity for pleasure-giving amounted to TWO MINUTES proved to me beyond any doubt that she is but an innocent in such matters, and she was probably only repeating loose talk she had overheard on the bus, for comic effect. If she really knew about men, she'd have been talking about seconds, not minutes.
-- C J (CJ_The_Unruly@hotmail.com), February 14th, 2007. (C J)

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:)
Don't forget she is divorced! Maybe it wasn't loose talk, but from BITTER EXPERIENCE.

-- Dr.C (petethanet@planet.com), February 14th, 2007. (Dr.C)

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wow. . .I've never read this thread before. It is a thing of beauty.
-- Ms Misery (missmisery73@gmail.com), February 14th, 2007. (MsMisery)

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Tracer, I've been seeing her as Marsha all along! 'Arf a bott-uhl of rioja and OOOOOH, the regrets.
-- Laurel (sininspace@inorbit.com), February 14th, 2007. (Laurel)

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Can't you post a photo of Beryl?
-- Maria :D (maria@wvvy.org), February 14th, 2007. (Maria :D)

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So how was Beryl's hot date on Valentine's Day?
-- Hard like armour (mungbean@hotmail.com), February 15th, 2007. (Hard like armour)

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Maria, no, it would ruin everything.
-- accentmonkey (trish@perfectlycromulent.com), February 15th, 2007. (accentmonkey)

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Well....
B wasn't around much yesterday, and I'm not at work today. But we did have a brief conversation :

Beryl (*slightly* suggestively) : "Did you 'ave a nice Valentines evenin' eh, darlin'?"
Me : "Not bad, Beryl. Did you erm,....go out or anything"
B : "Noooo, pwecious. Stayed in wiv a tub of 'aagen-dazs, sweetie"

That made me quite sad. There was no hot date. Poor Beryl.

I won't post a picture. I don't think that would be right. All I will say is that you wouldn't be disappointed - she is utterly perfect and exactly how you would expect.

-- Dr.C (petethanet@planet.com), February 16th, 2007. (Dr.C)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

hook her up with me
-- teh_kit (kittenslikemilk@hotmail.com), February 16th, 2007. (g-kit)

― Dr.C, Friday, 23 February 2007 15:12 (eighteen years ago)

Beryl is love. Or a luvvie. Or something.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 15:12 (eighteen years ago)

Not a luvvie. She'd like to be maybe.

She's out today and ~~I'm arsing about at~~ working at home for at least 3 days next week, so I will not see her for a while.

― Dr.C, Friday, 23 February 2007 15:21 (eighteen years ago)

Just now on phone : "'if you're weally from Stepney, sweetie, WHERE'S YOUR BLOODY ACCENT!"

and (indignantly)

"I said to her, 'I ain't payin' you that much for a SANDWICH, darlin'. Two bits of bwead and a slice of 'am!'""

― Dr.C, Friday, 2 March 2007 15:24 (eighteen years ago)

Latest Beryl news :

At work we are having a posh sort of charity dinner affair in April and Beryl has bought tickets for her +1.

Who will be Mr. Beryl for the night?

Candidates :

1) Her brother
2) G4areth, her fancy man from accounts
3) Her dad

― Dr.C, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:30 (eighteen years ago)

Dust off your tux - she's asking you.

― Hard like armour, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 23:30 (eighteen years ago)

Oh heck! b-but I'm already going with someone else.

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 7 March 2007 09:45 (eighteen years ago)

Oh noes, she'll be crushed.

― Hard like armour, Wednesday, 7 March 2007 22:06 (eighteen years ago)

her fancy man

Is this a gay euphemism?

― Ms Misery, Wednesday, 7 March 2007 22:07 (eighteen years ago)

Definition of Fancy Man

It's the second definition you want!

― Dr.C, Thursday, 8 March 2007 09:15 (eighteen years ago)

Except G4reth from accounts is more of a prospective fancy man than an actual fancy man. I am back in the office today and will try and find the identity of "Mr +1"

― Dr.C, Thursday, 8 March 2007 09:21 (eighteen years ago)

Skipping 68 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Are there any chaps here you think might be right for Beryl, Doc? Would she be open to a blind date?

― Mark C, Monday, 30 April 2007 16:27 (eighteen years ago)

I bet she looked a treat. What did she wear?

― Hard like armour, Monday, 30 April 2007 23:54 (eighteen years ago)

Oh - I didn't go, so didn't see her. There will be photos I guess. She does scrub up nicely, I have to say.

Mark - there are definitely chaps here who are right for Beryl!

― Dr.C, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 08:01 (eighteen years ago)

names?

― estela, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 08:03 (eighteen years ago)

Yes, they have names.

― Dr.C, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 08:04 (eighteen years ago)

this is very mysterious, i hope we get a say in the matter, 'we' being the beryl faithful.

― estela, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 08:07 (eighteen years ago)

When's her birthday? I think of her as a Gemini, for some reason.

― C J, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 08:21 (eighteen years ago)

Ooh - I don't know. Will ask, but not today, as I am at home.

― Dr.C, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 08:37 (eighteen years ago)

x-post estela, the Beryl faithful are, of course, held in the highest regard and you will be consulted should a short-list of prospective suitors be drawn-up. Indeed, why not suggest some names yourself?

― Dr.C, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 08:41 (eighteen years ago)

mark s

― Mark C, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 09:44 (eighteen years ago)

Someone called Gary.

― Mark G, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 09:46 (eighteen years ago)

i was also going to suggest mark s but i don't know him or if he is romantically available so it seemed a bit presumptuous of me. but i am sure beryl would enjoy all that larfing and larfing.

― estela, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 11:00 (eighteen years ago)

I just want to ride the bus and go shopping with her. And get some fashion advice.

― aimurchie, Tuesday, 1 May 2007 12:38 (eighteen years ago)

She's busy today :

"Pwecious, I'll bwing it rahnd WHEN IT'S FINISHED! Don't keep 'asslin me, sweetie!"

"You're messin' with me system, darlin' - hinvoices first THEN purchase owdahs!"

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 13:15 (eighteen years ago)

What is this madness?? I want me purchase owdahs processed FIRST because I don't want to wait for things I've owdahed a moment longer than I need to. Stuff the hinvoices.

― C J, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 14:50 (eighteen years ago)

But that AIN'T THE SYSTEM, darlin'. Do you foller me?

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 15:08 (eighteen years ago)

Hang on, POs have to go through the system first so you can pay the invoice promptly when it comes in, as any fule kno!

― Madchen, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 15:40 (eighteen years ago)

She was filin' stuff.

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 15:45 (eighteen years ago)

Her nails?

― C J, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 17:19 (eighteen years ago)

...while they were draggin' the lake.

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 19:11 (eighteen years ago)

two weeks pass...

To colleague :

"Ooh I want to twy some of that weggae weggae sauce, darlin'!"

and,

"GWAHAM! Stop starin' - it's WUDE, sweet'eart!"

― Dr.C, Thursday, 24 May 2007 14:18 (eighteen years ago)

VERY loudly earlier :

"TINA! Did you descwibe me to the photocopier fella' as MATWONLY, darlin'? 'OW DARE YA!"

To me, just now :

"Gwaham ain't allowed out to watch the football tonight, sweet'eart. That Louise is still twyin' to mould 'im. You don't 'ave that twouble, do yer, darlin'?"

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 6 June 2007 11:07 (eighteen years ago)

Where is the love for poor old Beryl? It seems that the Beryl faithful have finally deserted her.

Maybe it's time that she retired to a small caravan near Selsey Bill?

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 6 June 2007 14:58 (eighteen years ago)

We still love Beryl!

The question is - *is* she matronly?

― Forest Pines, Wednesday, 6 June 2007 14:59 (eighteen years ago)

We all love Beryl, sir.

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 6 June 2007 15:01 (eighteen years ago)

No we loves Beryl, I just wasn't online to read her antics¬!

― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 6 June 2007 15:02 (eighteen years ago)

I described her way upthread thus :

The Beryl Files :
Voice : Kira from This Life with a touch of Babs Windsor.

Age : She's younger than me! No-one knows exactly, but I reckon about 37/38. I'll ask if I dare.

Hair : dark, dyed sort of browny-aubergine

I'd say matronly-ish but it's a bit unkind.

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 6 June 2007 15:02 (eighteen years ago)

Dr. C what can one add to such perfect conversational confections as are recorded here??

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 6 June 2007 15:04 (eighteen years ago)

"I want sex with Beryl?"

― nabisco, Wednesday, 6 June 2007 16:32 (eighteen years ago)

Please submit a photo and short biog, Nabisco. If your application is successful you'll be required to take her dancin' and buy her lots of dwinks. And maybe shoppin' beforehand.

― Dr.C, Thursday, 7 June 2007 10:43 (eighteen years ago)

Oh and.....Tina may be along too as a chaperone. You'll need to plan to lose her at some point if things are going well.

― Dr.C, Thursday, 7 June 2007 10:54 (eighteen years ago)

(in the ladies, during the date): "e's pwetty otm, that nabisco bloke, ain't 'e darlin'?"

― estela, Thursday, 7 June 2007 11:05 (eighteen years ago)

haha - there would be plenty of visits to the ladies to assess progress, yes!

(Adjusts skirt) "Tina, sweetie, does this make me look matwonly?"

― Dr.C, Thursday, 7 June 2007 11:11 (eighteen years ago)

'gawd, doesn't 'e talk in long pawagwaphs, i can 'ardly foller some of it, 'e's nice though, ain't 'e, a reel gentleman.'

― estela, Thursday, 7 June 2007 11:20 (eighteen years ago)

― Dr.C, Thursday, 7 June 2007 11:30 (eighteen years ago)

Just now, at coffee machine :

"Darlin'....I KNEW 'e was foweign, as soon as I seen 'is shoes"

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 13 June 2007 08:42 (eighteen years ago)

omg i LOVE her

― emsk, Wednesday, 13 June 2007 08:46 (eighteen years ago)

Haha that one reminds me of my step-grandmother (who also has a similar accent if I'm imagining Beryl right): 'I could tell she was German because she 'ad a square head, see.'

― Archel, Wednesday, 13 June 2007 10:01 (eighteen years ago)

three weeks pass...

How is Beryl enjoying her summer?

― Hard like armour, Friday, 6 July 2007 06:16 (eighteen years ago)

Oh, so-so.

Just now - on phone :

I sez to 'im - "Darlin', your dweadlocks just add to the intwigue!"

― Dr.C, Monday, 16 July 2007 10:45 (eighteen years ago)

She phoned Ed?

― aldo, Monday, 16 July 2007 10:56 (eighteen years ago)

"Darlin'....I KNEW 'e was foweign, as soon as I seen 'is shoes"

Was there any detectable note of approval or disapproval in this, I wonder, or just a matter-of-fact comment?

― anatol_merklich, Monday, 16 July 2007 11:08 (eighteen years ago)

Could have been Ed, yes!

It was matter of fact, verging on approval. She likes exotic, does our Beryl.

― Dr.C, Monday, 16 July 2007 11:42 (eighteen years ago)

one month passes...

Beryl's in a funny mood :

Just now :

Timid new employee (who spends a lot of time talking to friends on the phone and is probably single-handedly responsible for facebook getting banned this week) : "Erm, can I use that office over there for half an hour?"

Beryl : "Is it for work, or for PERSONAL darlin'? Only, if yer plannin' on talking to yer boyfwend, sweetie, remember the walls AIN'T THAT FICK, do you foller me?"

― Dr.C, Thursday, 13 September 2007 12:57 (eighteen years ago)

hahahaha

― Tracer Hand, Thursday, 13 September 2007 13:37 (eighteen years ago)

Oh Bewyw. I luff you too.

― luna, Thursday, 13 September 2007 19:51 (eighteen years ago)

nine months pass...

So...the Beryl era is about to close. I have 2 weeks left working with the lovely Miss B. Any final messages or questions from her fans?

― Dr.C, Thursday, 3 July 2008 11:52 (seventeen years ago)

Awwww. I've missed Beryl since this thread was last updated.

― Forest Pines Mk2, Thursday, 3 July 2008 12:13 (seventeen years ago)

one month passes...

I am sad to discover the Beryl era is over, Dr C.

― Grandpont Genie, Thursday, 28 August 2008 12:31 (seventeen years ago)

I miss her, although I have excellent new colleagues here. But there is no-one who refers to 'in-tways' and 'hinvoices' in the same way...

― Dr.C, Thursday, 28 August 2008 13:03 (seventeen years ago)

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