Dear The World or The People of the World

Dear The People of the World,

Why are you so hard on the innocent people?

Yours in heartbreak,

Abbott

p.s. Given my past missives I do not really expect a reply, it's okay.

Jan 22, 2007:

Hi "world,"
This is McCracken here from her house. I've ran out of plots. No writey pen plots, but 'plots' or 'schemes' as to what to do next. I do not want to be turned into the human pinball. I always get a TILT anyway.

What did you feel like world? I am still in my house. What do you feel like now? A fallopian tube? A ball of yarn? A bucket of corned beef hash? I can tell you about th feel of my recliner, my bedsheets, my office chair. A comfortable prison. I can tell you about the bus seats.

This room is filling up with carbon dioxide. I've been sitting in it too long with no ventilation. Woorld: maybe you could send me an aquarium full of blue-green algae? Or just a houseplant?

I hear there aren't any telegram machines out there anymore. How do you feel about it, world? Are you as confused as I am about things? Do you feel like you are swimming through molasses too?

World, I would never say you owe me a living. We're still on good terms, right? I miss you.

Love,
"McCracken"

Reply:

Dear McCracken,

I died from minerality and became vegetable;
And from vegetativeness I died and became animal.
I died from animality and became man.
Then why fear disappearance through death?
Next time I shall die
Bringing forth wings and feathers like angels;
After that, soaring higher than angels -
What you cannot imagine,
I shall be that.

Sincerely,
The houseplant

The reply was in fact from my friend Phil and it means the world to me.

not The World, though

Dear People of the World,

Many of you won't be able to read this, because you don't understand English or because you can't read, or both. For those of you who do understand, it is your duty as a citizen of the world to pass this message on to the others. I am writing to you because I need to tell you something - something terrible. You may want to sit down for this, if you aren't already. This whole letter - the fancy print on the front, the free cute cat stickers I've included inside, the faint scent of perfume - it was all a scam. A scam with the best of intentions, but a scam nonetheless. The deception was necessary in order to get you to open this and read it. There is a revolution at hand, an INTERNET revolution. The steps are very simple.

1. Open up your AIM instant messaging client, or go to www.meebo.com if you don't have AIM and do not wish to download it. (note: you may need to purchase a computer and internet access in order to successfully complete this step)

2. Go to the group chat room that is known as "CHATZ"

3. Here is the key part. Now you have to go back to wherever you were before, and tell them how great CHATZ is. Keep doing it until someone new shows up in the CHATZ room.

4. When someone new shows up, you have type "OH SHIT"

5. Billions of bonus points will be awarded.

6. Whoever is new to CHATZ must then complete steps 3-5 in order to become a full member.

I spent a lot of money printing up all of these letters, world. Don't let me down.

Very best,
Z S

ZS you aren't even IN chatz.

The revolution doesn't stop just because you're sleeping, Abbott.

But I'm not sleeping!

We could get into a complex philosophical discussion on whether or not you can prove that you are or are not sleeping, but let's keep the focus on the revolution plz.

Dear The World,

Fuck it, let's just watch the Animatrix instead. The Second Renaissance is actually pretty sweet.

- Z S