A thread for ridiculous Friday news stories

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Rationale: some news stories are perfect for Friday. End of the week, we're all a little punch-drunk/stir-crazy from work, and all we need is a little ridiculous entertainment before we leave the office for the weekend.

And so to start things off I give you this:

Maryland Del. LeRoy E. Myers Jr. to truckers: If you've got 'em, you don't need to flaunt 'em.

As the General Assembly debates global warming and the death penalty, Myers (R-Washington) has something else on his mind: the outsized plastic testicles that truckers dangle from the trailer hitches of their pickups.

...

"People are making a joke out of it," Myers said yesterday. "But I think it's a pretty serious problem. You have body parts hanging from the hitches of cars. We've crossed a line."

His bill would prohibit motorists from displaying anything resembling or depicting "anatomically correct" or "less than completely and opaquely covered" human or animal genitals, human buttocks or female breasts. The offense would carry a penalty.

A hunter could still throw a freshly killed and uncovered deer in the back of his pickup, though, because the deer's body parts would be real, Myers said.

...

The truck ornament industry is not amused. "It's not a perverted sexual thing at all," said David Ham, founder of Your Nutz, a San Diego-based business that sells more than 200 kinds of fake testicles. "It's a sense of humor. This lawmaker is looking out for two or three old women in tennis shoes. He's got too much time on his hands."

Ham said he shipped about 100 orders last year to customers in Maryland and Virginia. He said those who support a ban would do well to recall that 50 years ago, many people in the nation lived on farms. "Did all the little donkeys and sheep walk around with their panties on so children wouldn't see their bodies?" he asked.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:22 (eighteen years ago)

David Ham, founder of Your Nutz

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:28 (eighteen years ago)

If this was olde ILX that would already be my new screenname. I pass the test, and diminish into the West.

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:29 (eighteen years ago)

As good an example needed for that feature request.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:30 (eighteen years ago)

[Removed Illegal Link].

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:31 (eighteen years ago)

That 'illegal link' feature is very strange. I've already asked Stet/Keith about it.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:32 (eighteen years ago)

[link First Beaver Spotted in NYC in 200 years]http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070223/ap_on_sc/bronx_beaver[/i]

― Michael White, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:33 (eighteen years ago)

First Beaver Spotted in NYC in 200 years

Obv, I need more coffee.

― Michael White, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:33 (eighteen years ago)

First Beaver Spotted in NYC in 200 years

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:34 (eighteen years ago)

Ned if you're going to double post, at least double post a crude play on the word "beaver".

― Mark C, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:54 (eighteen years ago)

Amazing!

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 16:56 (eighteen years ago)

Those plastic testicles are the stupidest things I ever saw. If someone I knew bought a set, I don't think I would speak to them anymore.

People are fucking idiots.

― accentmonkey, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:03 (eighteen years ago)

Okay this is actually from yesterday but you guys so need to see it (also I need to try this new hyperlinking):

[linkhttp://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/22/porn.sword.ap/index.html]Sword seized after man mistakes porn for rape[/link]

OCONOMOWOC, Wisconsin (AP) -- A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."

According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning February 12, damaging the frame and lock.

"Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. "Where is she?"

The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.

The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.

Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is scheduled to appear in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.

Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.

"I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel.

Contesting his neighbor's account, Van Iveren said he didn't look anywhere in the apartment except the front room, and that he never threatened the neighbor with the sword.

"I had the sword extended, but that was all," he said.

Van Iveren, who lives with his mother in the downstairs apartment, said he did not call police when he heard the noises because he does not have a telephone. He said he barely knew the upstairs tenant.

Police seized Van Iveren's sword, which he said was a family heirloom.

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:30 (eighteen years ago)

[link=http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/22/porn.sword.ap/index.html]Sword seized after man mistakes porn for rape?[/link]

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:31 (eighteen years ago)

Oh FFS.

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:31 (eighteen years ago)

Oh wait, I see...

[linkSword seized after man mistakes porn for rape???]http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/02/22/porn.sword.ap/index.html[/link]

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:32 (eighteen years ago)

God damnit.

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:32 (eighteen years ago)

Nick -- keep a space after 'link' and don't include punctuation in the text part in the bracket (ie, drop the question marks -- Daver just pointed this out to me elsewhere).

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:37 (eighteen years ago)

Thus (I hope):

Sword seized after man mistakes porn for rape

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:37 (eighteen years ago)

Thanks Ned! I got it!

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:38 (eighteen years ago)

Anyway, that story makes me miss apartment living.

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:40 (eighteen years ago)

Oh, I see, Ned gets to email people about features he wants fixed, but if someone else starts a thread to catalog those sorts of issues, it gets locked.

I would be totally annoyed by that if I weren't imagining donkey-panties right now.

― nabisco, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:43 (eighteen years ago)

Seriously, though, ILX is getting a little bit like Bush during the 2004 debate: "It's hard work. It's a work in progress. What we need right now is not dissent and criticism. I talk to world leaders on the phone. Don't forget Poland. It's unpatriotic of you to point out that you can't post twice in a row without having to log in again."

― nabisco, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:47 (eighteen years ago)

Ned is Rummy.

― Nicole, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:49 (eighteen years ago)

I've heard weirder.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:51 (eighteen years ago)

Stet is Cheney!

(I wuv you guys and appreciate every bit of work done, but it's like ... just let people have a thread to point out all the stuff that's bugging them: it harms nothing and provides usable feedback.)

― nabisco, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:51 (eighteen years ago)

I had nothing to do with whatever thread locking has happened, FWIW, and I v. much *want* there to be a thread about features and issues -- actually I'd want even more but that's another story.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:54 (eighteen years ago)

Anyway, there is a new FAQ up from Stet which hopefully helps clarify things.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 18:56 (eighteen years ago)

"As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don't know we don't know. I had nothing to do with whatever thread locking has happened, and I very much want there to be a thread about features and issues -- actually, I'd want even more, but that's another story. I think what you'll find -- I think what you'll find -- is, whatever it is we do substantively, there will be near-perfect clarity as to what it is. And it will be known, and it will be known to the Congress, and it will be known to you, probably before we decide it, but it will be known."

― nabisco, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:00 (eighteen years ago)

I dunno.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:01 (eighteen years ago)

Guys he broke into dude's apartment wielding a sword!

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:08 (eighteen years ago)

Yeah, but the guy learned a basic, important lesson that most people pick up from Cinemax around age 14: when watching porn, keep the volume low enough that other people can't hear.

― nabisco, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:20 (eighteen years ago)

Ha, the neighbor would have seemed way less crazy if he'd busted in with the sword and just been all like "OMG TURN THE FUCKING PORN DOWN, YR DRIVIN ME NUTS"

― nabisco, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:22 (eighteen years ago)

(oh wow, I made a pirate joke without even realizing)

― nabisco, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:26 (eighteen years ago)

Especially raep pr0n

― Edward III, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:27 (eighteen years ago)

2007: Year of the Sword?

― Fluffy Bear, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:29 (eighteen years ago)

A photo of James Van Iveren has been published:

http://static.flickr.com/28/59153298_1f3fe9924c_m.jpg

― Edward III, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:30 (eighteen years ago)

haha

― kenan, Friday, 23 February 2007 19:42 (eighteen years ago)

RAT ATTACK

Best part is learning that the parent company of Taco Bell/KFC is now called Yum Brands.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 23 February 2007 20:52 (eighteen years ago)

There was no answer at the phone number displayed in neon on the store window below the words "We Deliver."

Rats shmats I want my ~~monkey-man~~ TACO BELL DEILVERY.

― nickalicious, Friday, 23 February 2007 21:00 (eighteen years ago)

I've totally eaten there. To be honest, I pretty much buy the "exaggerated by construction in the basement" line: obviously the rats aren't going nuts in there every night; it's a busy street; people would have gotten all interested just like they did this time. Not that it's SO much more reassuring to think they've just got a low-level rat problem that suddenly got its boom, but ... it's Manhattan, I kinda assume any place that sells me a meal for less than $10 has some sort of rat problem somewhere.

― nabisco, Friday, 23 February 2007 21:08 (eighteen years ago)

i hate fake bbcode

― Jonathan Williams, Friday, 23 February 2007 21:16 (eighteen years ago)

two years pass...

This is the town I work in and is one of the most O_O things I've read in a while not even for the subject matter which is awful enough on its own, but for its EXTREMELY descriptive nature.

Chelsea Rabbit Rapist Convicted of Animal Cruelty

― t(o_o)t (ENBB), Saturday, 9 January 2010 14:19 (fifteen years ago)

three months pass...

http://www.saasta.fi/saasta/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/6a00d83451c45669e201347fc2979e970c-800wi.png

― Tuomas, Friday, 16 April 2010 18:52 (fifteen years ago)

omg lol

― call all destroyer, Friday, 16 April 2010 18:58 (fifteen years ago)

hahahahhaah this was in new hampshire

― call all destroyer, Friday, 16 April 2010 18:59 (fifteen years ago)

thank u tuomas for making my afternoon happier

― call all destroyer, Friday, 16 April 2010 19:01 (fifteen years ago)

I bet you could write a whole stoner comedy based on that news item.

― Tuomas, Friday, 16 April 2010 19:15 (fifteen years ago)

http://www.unionleader.com/article.aspx?headline=America+going+ape+over+gorilla&articleId=02dd26d0-6df6-491c-bdce-a0bd1a671468

― Mr. Que, Friday, 16 April 2010 19:17 (fifteen years ago)

i know--i want to live in a context-free world sometimes

― call all destroyer, Friday, 16 April 2010 19:22 (fifteen years ago)

oh sorry if i ruined it, i just thought it was cool. my "uh" meant "this dude is awesome."

― Mr. Que, Friday, 16 April 2010 19:23 (fifteen years ago)

hahah ok--no i ruined it for myself when i backtracked to figure out where it was from, tho i didn't know abt the internet sensation follow-up story

― call all destroyer, Friday, 16 April 2010 19:24 (fifteen years ago)

six years pass...

thanks, Facebook trending

Thailand: Python Emerges From Toilet and Bites Man's Penis, Official Says

http://www.cnn.com/2016/05/27/asia/thailand-snake-toilet/

― nomar, Friday, 27 May 2016 23:51 (nine years ago)

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