thinking of the worst possible thing to say

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does this happen to you?

I mean, when talking to someone, and like a reflex your brain thinks of something truly awful to say, I mean something you don't even believe, just something offensive and ugly. It's a little like when people speak about thinking about pushing someone off a cliff or something.

It's more a reflex than like a thought.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 14:59 (eighteen years ago)

Yes. It frightens me that one day I might just flip and say these things all the time.

― braveclub, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:01 (eighteen years ago)

me too. I'm glad I'm not alone. is it self destruction or something?

― Ronan, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:02 (eighteen years ago)

not really.

― ken c, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:02 (eighteen years ago)

I love doing this - actually saying it I mean,. "Don't worry about the meeting, it'll be fine. The worst that can happen is that they'll all think you'll rubbish and laugh at you and make you feel small, then shout at your for wasting their time and suggest to your boss that the money they spend on your wages could be better used to buy lottery tickets. But that won't happen."

― The Wayward Johnny B, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:03 (eighteen years ago)

I don't do it with speaking so much as thinking. I sometimes get a compulsion to let myself think or imagine the most awful things.

― Alba, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:03 (eighteen years ago)

fuck you ken you unfunny asshole

― Ronan, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:03 (eighteen years ago)

(joke)

― Ronan, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:03 (eighteen years ago)

I do it with thinking too! Thinking mean or negative thoughts.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:04 (eighteen years ago)

I do this all the time. It's really hard to learn impulse control not to say/type them out loud. Sometimes I look up and all my colleagues are laughing their heads off - and it's because it didn't work, and I *did* say it out loud.

― Masonic Boom, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:06 (eighteen years ago)

One result of being brought up with strict religious thinking is that the perverse thoughts crowding around the edges of my brain aren't so much cruel or offensive as they are blasphemous. Worrying that insufficient mental discipline might put you at risk for demonic possession is no way to fall asleep at night, esp when you are eleven years old.

― Laurel, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:06 (eighteen years ago)

I mean, this is why I have people at work contact me by email rather than phone, because if I say the worst possibly thing in response to an email, that's way better than me actually saying it over the phone.

― Masonic Boom, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:07 (eighteen years ago)

I'm not sure it's the same.

If you said these things out loud, the sort of stuff I'm thinking of, you would live alone and be incapable of working with anyone. Everything would be destroyed.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:09 (eighteen years ago)

does this happen to you?

Yes.

― Fluffy Bear, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:09 (eighteen years ago)

Thinking of the worst possible thing to say is part of the process of figuring out the best possible thing to say.

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:10 (eighteen years ago)

If you said these things out loud, the sort of stuff I'm thinking of, you would live alone and be incapable of working with anyone. Everything would be destroyed.

What part of my life have you not described? ;-)

― Masonic Boom, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:10 (eighteen years ago)

saw that one coming!

― Ronan, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:12 (eighteen years ago)

while splitting up with a long-term girlfriend, a minuscule part of him wanted to laugh out loud because it considered her weeping, pleading face faintly hilarious

― Bnad, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:13 (eighteen years ago)

"...because the way the world's going, we'll all spend our final days scrabbling through a pile of steaming rubble, desperately scavenging for bits of charred baby to eat with our bare hands. And under those circumstances, a dark sense of humour will be a massive advantage."

Cf like half of my conversations with Ian.

― Laurel, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:15 (eighteen years ago)

i used to sit in church when i was little and think about how easy it would be to stand up and shout obscenities loud enough for the whole church to hear and then i would get scared i was going to do it if i didn't stop thinking about it so i would stare at the jesus on the cross until the thought left me. later i dated sad-looking boys with prominent ribcages and said dreadful things to them.

― estela, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:19 (eighteen years ago)

thank you for pointing me towards that so I could read charlie brooker writing about how joe mott's blog!

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:20 (eighteen years ago)

I once said (when asked in a mr-and-mrs type quiz style) that the thing I liked best about my girlfriend at the time was "the sound the door makes when it shuts behind her". I was quite proud of that one, until it was smacked out of me.

― peteR, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:25 (eighteen years ago)

scavenging for bits of charred baby to eat with our bare hands

Heaven forefend. If our dystopian future doesn't have cutlery, I'm not going.

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:28 (eighteen years ago)

I wonder what wine goes best with charred baby, now?

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:28 (eighteen years ago)

sounds like a regular day on ILX to me.

― g-kit, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:29 (eighteen years ago)

I find that a small apple grasped in one chubby little fist goes well with roasted baby, actually.

― Laurel, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:29 (eighteen years ago)

Nothing goes better with charred baby than wine made from the tears of it's mother.

― Fluffy Bear, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:30 (eighteen years ago)

I should have thought that baby roasted with fig would be nice as well, Laurel.

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:31 (eighteen years ago)

i used to feel really guilty about this until i realised that most people i know also do it...i don't know whether this says most about the company i keep though

― lex pretend, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:31 (eighteen years ago)

What would you recommend for a glaze?

― Fluffy Bear, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:32 (eighteen years ago)

Fig seeds get stuck in my teeth, though, Michael. Maybe a persimmon glaze will lend the fruitiness we're looking for.

― Laurel, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:34 (eighteen years ago)

Instead of a glaze, I recommend some kind of eau de vie flambé for the proper charred effect.

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:34 (eighteen years ago)

I find that I can't resist plucking out the oyster before serving. What is your favorite part of the baby?

― Fluffy Bear, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:37 (eighteen years ago)

Giblets. I know that's peasanty of me, but they're unpolluted at that age and quite tasty. Also, remember to save the neck and 'trotters' for stock. Mmmm. Baby soup!

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:39 (eighteen years ago)

FETUS GOULASH

― TOMBOT, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:44 (eighteen years ago)

i made such an awful, awful joke at my best friend's expense at lunch a few weeks back that had it not been my best friend i might be in a wheel chair right now.

so yes, i do this all the time. and then it comes out of my mouth. NO SHAME.

― strongohulkington, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:49 (eighteen years ago)

you can't post that without telling us what you said. well i guess you can, but it just doesn't seem right somehow.

― blueski, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:50 (eighteen years ago)

Strongo, you zing tease!

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:51 (eighteen years ago)

you have a best friend? JOEK JOEK

― gff, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:51 (eighteen years ago)

it would really take too long to set up. it was about his (still fairly recent) ex-girlfriend of almost nine years fucking someone else.

the thing i felt worst/best about was everyone else at the table stifling laughter.

― strongohulkington, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:51 (eighteen years ago)

In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.
In real life, it's almost never right to nail live pigs to the wall.

― gff, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:52 (eighteen years ago)

i'd also never seen him make a face like that after i said it, which cured me of the need to ever make a joke like that ever again.

― strongohulkington, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:53 (eighteen years ago)

oh ouch. the roffle has no conscience, after all

― gff, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:53 (eighteen years ago)

it's really terrible! i mean like ronan said, i have no idea why i even thought it, let alone said it.

― strongohulkington, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:54 (eighteen years ago)

and despite my "no shame" above, i did feel bad about it later on and apologized.

― strongohulkington, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:54 (eighteen years ago)

i think it's the "knowing it's the worst possible thing to say" part that makes this sort of thing so bad. because usually that means the context isn't at all conducive to that sort of thing. i know for a fact that, say, ethan and i have said far worse things about each other as jokes than what i told my friend, but we were in zing mode.

― strongohulkington, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 15:59 (eighteen years ago)

just tell us what you said!

― ^@^, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:01 (eighteen years ago)

I think the worst thing I've ever said in actual polite company, as opposed to real life zing mode, was when I sort of accidentally found myself drunkenly flirting with my best friend's mum at the dinner table. It wasn't even particularly filthy (or indeed filthy at all) but I shouldn't have said it in the presence of her son, daughter, sister and husband.

― Matt DC, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:02 (eighteen years ago)

haha no.

― strongohulkington, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:02 (eighteen years ago)

Matt must also confess...

― Ronan, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:03 (eighteen years ago)

i cant take this no fucking xposts thing anymore.

― strongohulkington, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:04 (eighteen years ago)

Matt, I thought a diner was required to flirt with the hostess?

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:06 (eighteen years ago)

there's a fine line between flirt and tossed on yr ear

― strongohulkington, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:07 (eighteen years ago)

lololololololololol tossed on yr ear

― g-kit, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:09 (eighteen years ago)

that's dating advice 4 lief

― g-kit, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:09 (eighteen years ago)

these days i really prefer thinking of the worst possible thing to do

― ghost rider, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:12 (eighteen years ago)

That way you can hear them coming, g-kit.

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:12 (eighteen years ago)

My friend was screaming at her (broken) phone last night, which had frozen on a photo of her, exclaiming "i hate you, you fat fat FAT BITCH!!!"

Then I said "Don't put yourself down!"

She now actually does hate me. I do this far too often. What makes it worse is that she tells people "He called me a fat bitch" which is in no way true.

― JTS, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:13 (eighteen years ago)

I also do this with writing, when I have a mental block I type the most offensive thing I can think of. One day I will accidentally hit 'send'...

― braveclub, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:21 (eighteen years ago)

or, indeed, "Submit Response"

― Mark G, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:24 (eighteen years ago)

When my brother went to the emergency room after badly mangling his hand with a table saw, cutting off two fingers and slicing deep into his palm, a nurse told him "You should be more careful!"

― Beth Parker, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 16:26 (eighteen years ago)

I actually just told a coworker "Fuck you in the face" without thinking and while she didn't respond negatively or even act like she heard me; I feel like quite a dick at the moment.

― forksclovetofu, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 18:35 (eighteen years ago)

Wow!

― Beth Parker, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 18:36 (eighteen years ago)

I got rid of my call-waiting after I said "I don't want to talk to this bitch" about my neighbor, thinking I'd toggled over to the person whose call the neighbor's was interrupting, but noooooo....

― Beth Parker, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 18:38 (eighteen years ago)

I salvaged the situation by convincing her that I referred to EVERYBODY as a fucking bitch.

― Beth Parker, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 18:39 (eighteen years ago)

I can talk absolute crap and enjoy doing so, but I don't really say anything offensive or terrible, I hope.

― jel --, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 18:40 (eighteen years ago)

This year I went to a Superbowl party with my roomy & his dad, they warned me ahead of time to be careful what I said around the host couple's daughter, who is pretty severly mentally handicapped. Long story short, roomy's dad got pissed drunk and when a field goal got missed he yelled out "WHAT A FUCKING RETARD!". They had some killer barbeque.

― nickalicious, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 18:47 (eighteen years ago)

Ha! That's funny!

― Beth Parker, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 18:53 (eighteen years ago)

Sometimes I think of horrible things to say, but more often it is a case of me imagining doing really awful things. Like this instructor at work that has this really awful yellow wig...every time I speak to her I think about ripping the wig off. I don't think I'd ever really do it, but still.

― Nicole, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 18:57 (eighteen years ago)

As a form of mental purge, I often indulge in a kind of conscious esprit d'escalier after someone has pissed me off and mentally compose the most venomous indictment of them I can, but I rarely utter such things unless I really want to close the door for good.

― Michael White, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 19:07 (eighteen years ago)

sometimes i have the urge to strike somebody at the most inappropriate moment, like a church service or a class. never actually done it, not very hard to resist, but i think it's similar to this urge.

― lfam, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 19:23 (eighteen years ago)

It's interesting, because I did once get to say the worst possible thing to someone, when I told my husband that I was leaving him. There is a truly weird liberating feeling that comes when words you have been almost physically holding behind your tongue for so long just come out and you hear yourself saying them and expect the sky to turn black and the room to collapse around you, but it doesn't happen. It's like saying a spell. I kind of had to stay away from people I was socially connected to but didn't actually like for a long time after that, for fear I would try the experiment again just to see.

― accentmonkey, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 19:41 (eighteen years ago)

this urge is the root source of all that is funny.

― Edward III, Tuesday, 6 March 2007 19:41 (eighteen years ago)

yeah, i do this all the time. the worst thing is that i mostly do it around people i have no desire to say worst things to.

― emsk, Wednesday, 7 March 2007 00:16 (eighteen years ago)

Lily Allen OTM.

― Abbott, Wednesday, 7 March 2007 01:22 (eighteen years ago)

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