Sustaining a Relationship: Personality or Luck?

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does a person's personality or luck play the greater part in determining whether they are good at entering into long term relationships?

― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:31 (eighteen years ago)

this seems like a 'how long is a piece of string' type of question.

― blueski, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:33 (eighteen years ago)

Personality of course. Luck is the same for everyone.

― Mark C, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:35 (eighteen years ago)

It has been a while since I have thought about this, but the 'how did you meet yr lover' thread really brought it home to me. There seem to be quite a lot of ilxors who have been in a relationship with their S.O.'s for five years or more. This has never happened to me. The most I have managed is two years, almost to the day in fact and there were a lot of warning signs earlier on that *that* relationship wasn't going anywhere, which I ignored or didn't see (mixture of the two). I have never married or even cohabited with anyone. But i honestly don't know whether my personality or just fortune is the main contributory factor.

― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:35 (eighteen years ago)

personality, environment, *the other*. it's a combination of things. luck? not so much in my opinion.

― nathalie, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:36 (eighteen years ago)

Luck is the same for everyone

not only do I not believe this but I am at present incapable of seeing how anyone could *ever* believe this, but I am open and willing to be put right on this.

― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:36 (eighteen years ago)

Who is/was Grandpoint Genie and why do they start so many threads? Actually just who is Grandpoint Genie, I'm glad of the threads!

― kv_nol, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:36 (eighteen years ago)

There are lots of different factors I think. Timing is an important one (i.e. both of you being in the same place, emotionally, and wanting the same thing out of the relationship etc etc blah blah)

― C J, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:38 (eighteen years ago)

if it is personality then it must be v subtle nuances of personality, insofar as it is obvious that all sorts of ppl do have long lasting relationships - from the very shy to the very outgoing for example. and I have been both of those things in my life.

― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:38 (eighteen years ago)

Who is/was Grandpoint Genie and why do they start so many threads?

is, certainly, the assumption that I had died in the few seconds between my last posting and yours was a somewhat large one, I feel.

maybe I should turn that question around and ask why other ppl start so few threads, but to be more direct - I am interested in lots of things, I like this board, I like to be noticed and I like to hear what other ppl think.

― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:40 (eighteen years ago)

Yes but who are you? MarkH? That would make the most sense anyway!

― kv_nol, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:41 (eighteen years ago)

Also plz 2 note:

Actually just who is Grandpoint Genie, I'm glad of the threads!

― kv_nol, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:41 (eighteen years ago)

I really do believe luck does play in part in meeting the *right* person, but from then on it's all about you and the other. How hard are you will to invest in the relationship and maintain it. So few people realize that there are always bumps on the road, it's up to you to drive carefully. haha God, what a crap way of saying this, no?

― nathalie, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:43 (eighteen years ago)

I have known a couple have personalities which were complete polar opposites but they still managed to sustain a relationship, although I suppose having complementary personalities is probably a smoother path to take.

I don't think there's any magic formula for what makes any relationship last long-term; I think when two people meet who are really right for each other, they just sort-of 'click', and all the agonising over how to 'make it work' evaporates because there isn't really any 'work' involved. It just happens. That's not really very helpful, is it?

― C J, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:46 (eighteen years ago)

CJ OTM, but I know a few couples who really shouldn't be together at all and only hang around each other because of habit/co-dependency/anger-energy/don't want to lose the sex. I'm sure we all know couples who spend their entire time arguing or shagging.

― The Wayward Johnny B, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 11:56 (eighteen years ago)

money, every time.

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:05 (eighteen years ago)

Everyone doesn't have the same "luck" - that's the whole point of luck, that it is something totally random.

I mean, we could break that down further, and say that what most people call luck is actually a combination of other factors, mostly access and opportunity. Which certainly aren't the same for everyone.

When I look at people who are in successful long term relationships, I'm struck by how much of it (mainly meeting the "right" person in the first place) does appear to be down to luck. Maybe that's discounting the amount of work that goes into these things - but from the other side, I'm someone who has put an immense amount of work into a relationship and still seen them go pear-shaped on an alarmingly regular basis. (Though I suppose that would point towards the personality side - that *I'm* just not cut out for long-term relationships.)

But whatever it is, I think it pretty much is unique to *each* individual relationship - and cannot be generalised upon. There is no one size fits all approach to relationships, and badness results if you try to apply that kind of standardisation upon relationships.

― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:10 (eighteen years ago)

johnny, sex and co-depedency are not bad reasons, really. better than no sex and simmering resentment, no? encountering people's parents after their kids have moved on often you're like, damn, basically it was just their kids keeping them there wasn't it? which is sad but maybe not as much as you'd think.

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:10 (eighteen years ago)

"That one guy that quit" - are you Enrique? I kinda want to ask you why you are so bitter.

― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:12 (eighteen years ago)

i don't think i can teach you anything about bitterness kate.

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:16 (eighteen years ago)

I'm serious, Enrique - some of the things you've said on this thead have me *way* beat for bitterness, and that's really saying something. Did I miss something? Looking through old ILX threads, you used to be such a dynamic and interesting poster. I'm not being mean, and I'm not trying to make zing-fodder, I just really wonder what happened in the interim - if you just got bored, or something else.

― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:18 (eighteen years ago)

i made two posts. 'money' was a joke; the other one wasn't bitter at all! i though johnny was being odd -- the concept of 'co-dependency' is a wanky pseudo-psychological way of saying what is frankly the beating heart of most human relationships. what's wrong with depending on one another? and what's wrong with sex? i was being the opposite of bitter -- and again when i said sticking together for the kids wasn't the worst thing in the world. sheesh.

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:23 (eighteen years ago)

i mean given i've just had a seven-year relationship end, i think i'm doing ok, bitterness-wise!

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:23 (eighteen years ago)

that's right ladies: he's on the market.

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:24 (eighteen years ago)

I'm sorry that your relationship ended, I didn't know that. It does kind of explain where you're coming from, though. These things colour one's posts.

Half the things I say, I don't even think I'm being bitter, just honest about mine own experiences, and then I get people jumping on me going "BITTER MUCH?!?!?"

― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:26 (eighteen years ago)

it's all happening!

― unfished business, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:27 (eighteen years ago)

Don't all rush at once.

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:28 (eighteen years ago)

settle down louis.

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:29 (eighteen years ago)

i am bitter about nu-ilx sucking.

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:30 (eighteen years ago)

I imagine it might be pretty bitter.

― Marcello Carlin, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:32 (eighteen years ago)

Don't all rush at once.

I don't know, I'd say he's a pretty good catch. He has form, and is aware that relationships not consisting entirely of hearts and flowers and no-you-hang-up-first moments can still be considered successful. If he can psychically sense when cups of tea are required, I'd say he'd be a good bet.

So, that one guy who quit, do your people have any land at all? What are your teeth like?

― accentmonkey, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:33 (eighteen years ago)

it doesn't matter enrique, come back to cambridge and i'll show you a wild night on the town, that'll take your mind off things.

― unfished business, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:35 (eighteen years ago)

we broke up over my teeth :(

haha louis.

no.

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:36 (eighteen years ago)

I have lots and lots of money

― RJG, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:39 (eighteen years ago)

RJG should've designed the new £20

― blueski, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:42 (eighteen years ago)

It's both. I was lucky enough to meet someone who was both compatable with me and who also fell in love with me at the same time I fell in love with them - but also personality, because we ARE compatable. But what you're missing here is that long term relationships are also work; they aren't always easy and you aren't always going to get along. That doesn't mean that there aren't people who shouldn't get divorces or break up, but there's a choice between is this worth putting the work into maintaining the it and the return you get from the relationship.

(Uh, sorry to make relationships sound bizarrely like economics at the end there...)

― Sara R-C, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:43 (eighteen years ago)

I have lots and lots of buildings that don't exist

― RJG, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:45 (eighteen years ago)

i don't think luck has been a significant factor in my personal (limited) experience of long-term relationships, other than the 'luck' of meeting them in the first place perhaps.

― blueski, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:45 (eighteen years ago)

**I think when two people meet who are really right for each other, they just sort-of 'click', and all the agonising over how to 'make it work' evaporates because there isn't really any 'work' involved. It just happens.**

I think CJ is right here - up to a point. Agonizing over how to 'make it work' means that it probably isn't going to work. But assuming that no work is ever needed can be dangerous - I have been guilty of that kind of complacency in the past. Sometimes you just sort of assume that it's still working without bothering to check and that's not good.

― Dr.C, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:53 (eighteen years ago)

surely the luck can only be in finding a person with whom you can sustain a long-term relationship, it's not something you'd want to rely on in the actual maintenance of the relationship.

― c sharp major, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:54 (eighteen years ago)

Luck is the same for everyone

not only do I not believe this but I am at present incapable of seeing how anyone could *ever* believe this, but I am open and willing to be put right on this.

Obviously in whether you meet x person or y person or both or neither, is a given - it's not a variable, it's a starting point. What I'm saying is that luck absolutely can't be relied on. You can't EVER base any decisions on how "lucky" or otherwise you might be because at any point in time it is by definition equal for everybody.

So if you ever find yourself wondering about something you can do/change/affect vs luck, the former is the only possible course of action because the latter is 100% arbitrary and random. The person who has a piano dropped on his head is no more unlucky than the person who wins the lottery BEFORE these events happen,and since we're also talking about changing future events, luck has to be discounted.

The only way luck can realistically be taken into account is in the form of probability. If you have to cross a raging river to be with your beloved, and you reckon there's a 75% chance you'll drown, then you can make an informed decision about risk vs reward. If you go to a party and give yourself a 10% chance of pulling and a 1% chance of meeting your soulmate, again, you can decide whether it's worth it. But that's not "luck" in the way you're using; the "luck" you refer to is the utterly arbitrary nature of happenstance and it's completely beyond our control.

― Mark C, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:04 (eighteen years ago)

you're missing here is that long term relationships are also work

what I said upthread. so i would also add that relationships work when the other listens which obv rarely happens on ilx. (i'm halfjoking)

― nathalie, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:05 (eighteen years ago)

Sorry - "Obviously in TERMS OF whether you meet x person or y person or both or neither, LUCK is a given"

― Mark C, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:06 (eighteen years ago)

otm -- where the luck comes in is "arbitrary bad things haven't happened (yet)". you can't rely on it for the future, that's the thing with luck.

― That one guy that quit, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:07 (eighteen years ago)

Spot the poker player :)

― onimo, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:07 (eighteen years ago)

xpost

― onimo, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:07 (eighteen years ago)

I'm starting to think that all my bitterness is due to my relationship with ILX.

― nathalie, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:08 (eighteen years ago)

I think I phrased that badly - I don't mean that a long term relationship doesn't require any work, but rather that it shouldn't actually feel like work, as such. If it feels like 'work' too much of the time - if you are having to mind what you say, or how you say it, or make too many compromises or sacrifices to keep your partner happy, then perhaps it isn't the right relationship to be in. Obviously life isn't all sunshine and lollipops all the time, but if two people are mostly compatible and if they really really like each other (over and above fancying each other and being in love etc, I think truly liking each other is a pretty important thing), then it's second nature to treat them with the kindness and respect which is needed to weather the little bumps along the way. Being able to slop along together in easy-going harmony isn't quite the same as being complacent, but I see where you're coming from with that - it can be a mistake to assume that everything is okay without checking once in a while. But that's where communication comes in (also v important in relationships, unless you are both mind readers WHICH IS UNLIKELY).

― C J, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:10 (eighteen years ago)

the laws of probability and statistics applied to relationships...hmm. since 50% of marriages in the US end in divorce and both my siblings are divorced (after 10+yrs and kids) odds are my marriage will last? somehow the numbers don't reassure. to ans the q: luck in meeting somebody, personality in sustaining a relationship and once you're wed/formally committed a willingness to change or adjust yr personality is required.

― m coleman, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:11 (eighteen years ago)

for me it's personality. im stubborn and give up easily.

― homosexual II, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 13:19 (eighteen years ago)

Skipping 140 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

It is personality, but I go with luck.

― jel --, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 18:43 (eighteen years ago)

Berbatov and Keane last night proved that it's not about personality or luck but SKILLS and INTERACTION!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 15 March 2007 08:57 (eighteen years ago)

...with Steed Malbranque as their bit on the side.

― unfished business, Thursday, 15 March 2007 09:40 (eighteen years ago)

And something to do with fingers, I think.

This I can confirm is useful in keeping relationships together.

― The Wayward Johnny B, Thursday, 15 March 2007 09:46 (eighteen years ago)

I don't get the citrus farm reference.

Other than that, some good stuff here!

― Grandpont Genie, Thursday, 15 March 2007 09:49 (eighteen years ago)

ATTENTION GARETH - SCHTICK NOW OFFICIALLY LAME, WE NEED A NEW ONE. CONVENE IN 20MINS.

― Matt DC, Thursday, 15 March 2007 09:52 (eighteen years ago)

which one is gareth?

― unfished business, Thursday, 15 March 2007 09:53 (eighteen years ago)

Then again, Tara and Colin doing "Sometimes When We Touch" without actually touching. Were fingers banned from this hard hitting FAMILY SHOW?

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 15 March 2007 09:53 (eighteen years ago)

I don't know who anyone is any more, and I kind of give up trying to keep track of who is a regular and who's a sock puppet and who is a random fluctuation in the space time continuum. I just find it difficult to carry on any kind of meaningful discourse with a squiggle, but hey, Prince's missus must manage somehow.

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 15 March 2007 10:32 (eighteen years ago)

Where were Isaksson's fingers last night when he needed them then?

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 15 March 2007 10:38 (eighteen years ago)

Los Candbury's fingres

― C J, Thursday, 15 March 2007 10:39 (eighteen years ago)

Candbury's? sheesh.

― C J, Thursday, 15 March 2007 10:39 (eighteen years ago)

SAY NO TO BOURNEVILLE TESCOS!

― Marcello Carlin, Thursday, 15 March 2007 10:41 (eighteen years ago)

**Prince's missus**

Is there a Mrs. Prince? We must know.

― Dr.C, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:04 (eighteen years ago)

I'm sure there is! Didn't he marry the girl from The Most Beautiful Girl In The World video? I don't know, I am not a Prince expert, but I'm sure there is a Mrs. Squiggle.

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:07 (eighteen years ago)

Manuela Testolini, but I think they're currently going through a divorce.

― C J, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:08 (eighteen years ago)

http://images-srv.leonardo.it/progettiweb/francescamariabersani/blog/prince2.jpg

― C J, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:09 (eighteen years ago)

Hang on - Prince is TALLER than her? I thought Prince was about 3'4". (This may be from R&M insisting that prince was "too wee".)

― The Wayward Johnny B, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:15 (eighteen years ago)

He's standing on someone's shoulders. Any woman called Manuela Testolini has to be at least 6 feet tall. She's not hott either.

― Dr.C, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:18 (eighteen years ago)

Maybe she's kneeling

― C J, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:18 (eighteen years ago)

she actually is a sock puppet! There's prince's hand!

― Mark G, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:21 (eighteen years ago)

not hott? waht?

― onimo, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:23 (eighteen years ago)

If the divorce goes through she'll be the 'Former Mrs. Artist Formerly Known As Prince'

― Dr.C, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:24 (eighteen years ago)

NOT HOTT! Just not, alright!

― Dr.C, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:25 (eighteen years ago)

She is hott. That's not a great photo. Not the HOTTEST EVER or anything, but still HOTT.

I'm disappointed this thread seems to have outlived the sustaining a thread thread.

― onimo, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:35 (eighteen years ago)

Well, that just tells you something, doesn't it?

Unless JW blows a gasket on yr thread, threads about relationships last longer than meta-threads about threads about relationships!

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:40 (eighteen years ago)

Unless JW blows a gasket on yr thread

So the answer to the other thread was "personality" :)

― onimo, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:44 (eighteen years ago)

Let's see another photo then, hey?

Prince shoulda married Sheena Easton when he had the chance. She would have fed him up on Scottish food like, erm.....haggis and fried mars bars and stuff. Then he wouldn't be 3 feet tall, would he?

― Dr.C, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:44 (eighteen years ago)

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/b/b7/Manuelanelson1pz.jpg/200px-Manuelanelson1pz.jpg

― onimo, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:47 (eighteen years ago)

http://is.blick.ch/img/gen/L/o/HBLoAyVS_Pxgen_r_180xA.jpg

Prince has great taste in bad trousers.

― onimo, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:47 (eighteen years ago)

Note leg length to hide huge heels in shoes.

― onimo, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:48 (eighteen years ago)

Those white trousers make him look like he's going to be one of the newsreaders singing "There ain't nothing like a dame" on the Morecambe and Wise Christmas Special.

― C J, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:50 (eighteen years ago)

http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d61/KFloyd/manuela_bet.jpg

― onimo, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:50 (eighteen years ago)

How long was Mr. and Mrs. Squiggles' relationship sustained for?

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:51 (eighteen years ago)

No, she is hott. The more I look at that pic of her in what white dress, the hotter she gets, like a magic eye drawing or something.

― The Wayward Johnny B, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:51 (eighteen years ago)

Testolini married Prince on New Year's Eve of 2001 in Hawaii and took Prince's family name, Nelson. The two filed for divorce May 24, 2006 and had no children together.

― onimo, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:53 (eighteen years ago)

Five years, yeah, that's better than I've ever managed. Maybe I should change my name to a squiggle.

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:54 (eighteen years ago)

I assume they had a relationship before they married.

― onimo, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:55 (eighteen years ago)

I was in a pub quizz last week, we named our team "The team formerly known as prince" That's because none of us could remember the squiggle!

― kv_nol, Thursday, 15 March 2007 11:56 (eighteen years ago)

The squiggle was pronounced 'Maurice' IIRC.

OK, she's warm.

― Dr.C, Thursday, 15 March 2007 12:10 (eighteen years ago)

http://www.atwmusic.com/22475.gif

I just remember that it looked like a funny ankh.

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 15 March 2007 12:13 (eighteen years ago)

My Prince expert tells me he doesn't use it anymore, because he resolved his differences with Warner Brothers, so now he's just Prince again. Or the Artist Formerly Known as the Artist Formerly Known as Prince.

― accentmonkey, Thursday, 15 March 2007 12:26 (eighteen years ago)

nine years pass...

it's all happening!
― unfished business, Wednesday, 14 March 2007 12:27 (nine years ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

this was a good entrance imo

― loudmouth darraghmac ween (darraghmac), Friday, 9 December 2016 23:59 (nine years ago)

morbs otm about the original q btw

― loudmouth darraghmac ween (darraghmac), Saturday, 10 December 2016 00:00 (nine years ago)

how much tolerance tho

― F♯ A♯ (∞), Saturday, 10 December 2016 00:03 (nine years ago)

enough

― loudmouth darraghmac ween (darraghmac), Saturday, 10 December 2016 00:06 (nine years ago)

so precise

u_u

― F♯ A♯ (∞), Saturday, 10 December 2016 00:08 (nine years ago)

crucial not to weigh yr tolerance too precisely unless you want to end up starting despairing threads like this imo

― loudmouth darraghmac ween (darraghmac), Saturday, 10 December 2016 00:09 (nine years ago)

why in the name of fuck would you want to sustain a relationship? the beginning is the only good part... after that u can just dip

― sleepingbag, Saturday, 10 December 2016 01:05 (nine years ago)

when u dip I dip we dip

― El Tomboto, Saturday, 10 December 2016 01:07 (nine years ago)

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