Cracked magazine searches for relevance, talks about bad cover songs

No Lou Reed doing "Soul Man" no credibility.

Cracked has the weirfness. N1cholas Gurewich (sp?) tol' me they offered him some deal: "CRACKED. I don't know about them lately. They wanted me to do something for em, but the mag is a bit...confused it seems." otm.

free sylvester p. smythe

They hired Evan Dorkin for work lately, didn't they?

Cracked cracked.

Cracked is over with by the way.

I got sidetracked (sideCracked?) by "The Five Most Unintentionally Funny Albums of 2006"

Belle and Sebastian are trying to achieve the exact opposite image of DragonForce. A far cry from a raging metal band obsessed with burning flames of fire, these dandy fops want to bring you into their world of tea and crumpets, where unicorns and leprechauns pick daisies and talk about rainbows. Their music is the sound of two Smurfs hugging.

With songs like “We Are the Sleepyheads,” “Funny Little Frog” and “For the Price of a Cup of Tea,” The Life Pursuit is so ridiculously happy, it makes Care Bears look goth. It’s what the Powerpuff Girls would listen to if they won the lotto. And just check out some of the songs rumored to be on the band’s next release:

“Kisses for Grandma”
“Spoonin’ and a Cuddlin’”
“I Pooped a Cupcake”
“The Ballad of the Missing Testicles”

You’ve heard the stories of bands requesting copious amounts of booze and drugs backstage as part of their payment for performing. Belle and Sebastian have a stipulation in their contract that they must be provided with at least one dozen puppies and a gallon of vanilla ice cream before they go on stage.

roflz @ The Ballad of the Missing Testicles

They really are kinda confused -- most of the texts make like zero sense:

How bad a cover version do you have to create to look bad compared to The goddamn Monkees? That's like losing a paralyzation contest to Stephen Hawking.

Hawking's pretty thoroughly paralyzed, though, I dunno how you'd win that contest!

I was stuck on that one too. It's like a koan.

Bonus points for using the phrase "musical AIDS" in the Dylan entry.

Tasteful.

Also, "911 is a Joke" cover by Duran Duran is fucking awesome.

jj, that is just wrong. sorry.

what i wonder is whether the person who wrote that article has ever been to a dylan show-- he never remembers the words to his own songs, so what's the point? also, that cover is better than the original, imho, but i hate van morrison.

also, “I Pooped a Cupcake”

It's sort of like Chunklet as written by aliens who have done a surprisingly good job of learning the nuances of our culture considering that they're aliens.

I like how they claim Hilary Duff has no right to sing about her generation being put down, then spend the rest of the text proving this by putting down her generation.

Maybe it's because your generation gave rise to a version of the music industry that asparagus-pisses in the face of everything rock stands for

Go Hilary's generation.

Hah, they really have it in for Dylan. From "Rhyme Crime: The 20 Worst Rhymes In Pop Music History":

1
Bob Dylan, "Ballad of a Thin Man"

“You have many contacts
Among the lumberjacks
To get you facts
When someone attacks your imagination
But nobody has any respect
Anyway they already expect you
To just give a check
To tax-deductible charity organizations”

And top prize for worst rhyming goes to his Bobness, naturally. Sure, he is a poet and the voice of a generation, but at some point during the '60s he realized that he could write anything he wanted and, as long as it rhymed, Rolling Stone would think it was important commentary on Vietnam. So, like any artist who isn't being challenged, he got lazy, and started alternating actual poetry with nonsensical jibberish about "having contacts among the lumberjacks."

Also anyone who actually had the song ruined for them by "The 5 Worst Lyrics Ever to Ruin Good Rap Songs" is a fucking weirdo:

Mami's a narcoleptic, always sleepin’ on Hov',
Gotta tie the back of her head like Deuce Bigalow.

I give a holler to my sisters on welfare,
Tupac cares, and don't nobody else care.

I'm just trying to say the way school need teachers,
The way Kathie Lee needed Regis that's the way y’all need Jesus.

Don't they know my nigga Gutter fuckin’ kidnap kids?
Fuck ‘em in the ass, throw ‘em over the bridge.

“Rapper's Delight” Sugarhill Gang
The Chicken Verse (too long, too much badness, just listen to the damn thing)

Well ok, I was never big on that Kanye one...