This is the thread where we speak like our grandparents

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I can't get the hang of these new tins, I had a shufty at one and just couldn't get the gist of it. I remember when tins were tins - a twist of the key and it was open faster than you could say Jack Robinson. Now that grocer at the Home and Colonial Stores, he was a clever old stick, heard about some corned beef from the Argentine that was advertised on the Wireless, got a consignment in for half a crown, would you credit it? Not like these whippersnappers down at Tescos, don't show an ounce of respect for their elders and betters, do they? Make you do all the hard work, searching around the houses for everything! I remember when shops were shops!

― Grandpont Genie, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:05 (eighteen years ago)

When shops were shops! Hahaha oh lordy. That is just WONDERFUL! Dont you just love her to bits. Oh, oh goodness gracious. We are just never going to let you go! Come over here you wonderful thing.

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:19 (eighteen years ago)

That reminds me of a story, when I was 24 and I was in the reserves, and burble burble burble zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

― Trayce, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:21 (eighteen years ago)

what's all this guddle?

― estela, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:27 (eighteen years ago)

hello, me little flowers of the pine!

― estela, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:28 (eighteen years ago)

good morning young ilxor
i hope you are well
are you the young lady who runs this hotel?
are you the o'reilly
they speak of so highly?

― estela, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:30 (eighteen years ago)

― Noodle Vague, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:34 (eighteen years ago)

Do not pull out that specimen, Katrina, do you know what that is? No it's not a weed. That is of the genus GYMNOSPERM. Come, let us take it indoors and I'll show you its microtubule xylem and phloem structure on the ELECTRON MICROSCOPE. Oh, marvellous. Now for a wee dram of sherry. Where is the maid?

― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:35 (eighteen years ago)

top of the class, eh? well done. when your father was a boy we had to take a wheelbarrer to the prizegiving to bring all his cups home in.

― estela, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:38 (eighteen years ago)

"mhrmhurmrhmhrmruhm united mhrmhurmrhmhrmruhm..."

only my Dad's Dad left out of the four, he turned 80 on Sunday and there was a surprise do for him with more of my Dad's side of the family than I'd ever seen together before inc. distant cousins from Galway who I met for the first time.

actual 'speech' by my Grandad on the day: "My analysis and observations...are complete...and I think...we're all alcoholics....but it's okay..."

― blueski, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:43 (eighteen years ago)

lol

― estela, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:43 (eighteen years ago)

Well I never. Somebody who actually starts a sentence with "Come, ..." - it's like Peter Pan! WONDERFUL!

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:48 (eighteen years ago)

My Granny was GRATE!!! yes, she really did speak like a Victorian professor, all capital letters and "Lo!"s. Until she had too much sherry and then she would recite the OWL and the PUSSYCAT in perfect Scots-African diction.

― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 10:58 (eighteen years ago)

life was never the same after franklin godamn roosevelt...joe kennedy was SOB and a disgrace to the irish...who are these longhaired creeps on the ed sullivan show/bring back jack benny...why did cassisus clay change his name...giving your aunt anna a drink is like putting gasoline in the car...listen to the sisters at school mark...y'all come and see us again soon.

― m coleman, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 11:10 (eighteen years ago)

Scots-African! WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE! Oh it is just too too much! You - [points with finger and suddenly shrewd eyes] - are are a dear dear thing and we are going to keep you real close if we've got any sense at all. MMM!

― Tracer Hand, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 11:32 (eighteen years ago)

If that colored fellow becomes president, I'll eat my hat.

― fife, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 12:41 (eighteen years ago)

I just shat in my pants again yesterday. Do you know I lost 25 euros on that cause I had to throw away the clothes? How are you? (no pause) I put my clothes in a bucket of cold water overnight. I heard that water cleanses itself so I didn't put any soap in it obviously. Your grandfather was such a bastard, I never told you this when he was still alive. You're pregnant? I had the most awful delivery ever, never wanted kids AGAIN! The nurse deliberately didn't tell the doctor I needed a caesarian. It was AWFUL! Hell! Oh, your breasts look big. You have a cold? Thank god I don't have one! Bye!

(trust me, this is typical. in fact repeated every time we meet.)

― stevienixed, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 12:58 (eighteen years ago)

my mother's mother (RIP) = http://www.cbc.ca/gfx/pix/walters_jessica_cp_.jpg

Except less booze, more cigarettes.

― jessie monster, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 17:33 (eighteen years ago)

also way less money.

― jessie monster, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 17:36 (eighteen years ago)

grandpa speaks

― Shakey Mo Collier, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 17:39 (eighteen years ago)

actual grandpa phone conversation from wkend:

i know you like that rock and roll but you should play some duke ellington, here here, it goes like this (sings/scats/hums parts of two songs) - there ya go, d'ya like that? hehehe, play some of that

― rrrobyn, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 17:39 (eighteen years ago)

Oh let me tell it's a real shame my eyes are so bad that I can't read this thread, I'd dearly love to imitate my own grandparents....but unfortunately I can't read this thread so have no idea what it's about. Now pass me the phone please I need to dial a number I've written in tiny writing in my address book.

― Ronan, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 17:42 (eighteen years ago)

my grandfather is one of those immigrant types and sounds pretty much like that old mumbling QC off The Fast Show, except I've yet to hear him exclaim "Poisonous Monkeys!".

― Roberto Spiralli, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 17:42 (eighteen years ago)

2005: "Ronan! You are extremely rude! Where did you learn to be so rude! Why your cousin "insert cousin's name" is SO polite!"

2006 (repeatedly):"Ronan! You've always been my favourite grandson because you're the only one who ever says thank you! Some of "insert auntie's" kids have NEVER thanked me for a card or present"

My granny's opinion of her family changes like the weather.

― Ronan, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 17:47 (eighteen years ago)

[Best belly laugh ever] I think we should just build 100 more nuclear power plants, and the government should sell the power to everyone else. Now what game did your grandma want for the Nine-tendo? Good man.

― en i see kay, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 18:11 (eighteen years ago)

nie myslisz Mrowku, o przepraszam, Panie Rybkins, ze nie wszyscy zwracaja AZ TAK WIELKA uwage do tego, w jaka calosc logiczna lacza sie piosenki, jak maja sie one do etapow zycia i tworczosci np Kaczmarskiego.[/quote]
Nie bardzo wiem co tu do rzeczy mają etapy życia i twórczości Kaczmarskiego.
Nie przypominam sobie bym cokolwiek gdziekolwiek o tym pisał.

wszyscy juz wiedza, ze jestes ekspertem.

Nie wiem czy jestem, nie wiem czy wiedzą - ale co to ma do rzeczy? Nigdzie
nie użyłem argumentu, że wiem lepiej, bo znam twórczość Kaczmarskiego,
nie starałem się też nigdzie na siłę wykazywać jak świetnie ją znam.

udawadnianie, ze piosenki nie lacza sie wg Ciebie w jakas calosc, moim zdaniem do niczego nie prowadzi.

Równie dobrze można powiedzieć, że dyskutowanie o tej płycie
do niczego nie prowadzi. I w jakimś sensie będzie to prawda - Zenkowi
się podoba, Frankowi się nie podoba, co tu zmieni dyskusja?
Z drugiej strony jednak nic nie stoi na przeszkodzie, by wymienić się
uwagami co się w jakiejkolwiek muzyce komuś podoba lub nie podoba.

I ja to właśnie uczyniłem: wyraziłem opinię, że piosenki zostały wybrane
dość przypadkowo, przeczytałem opinię, ze piosenki zostały wybrane
logicznie - więc starałem się te dwie opinie skonfrontować.

tymbardziej, ze poki co, tylko Ty wiesz, czym dla Ciebie owa "logiczna calosc"

Myślę, że oprócz mnie także ci, którzy czytają moje posty ;> .
Starałem się w każdym wyjaśnić pobieżnie swój pogląd.

― Eisbaer, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 18:25 (eighteen years ago)

grandparents speak polish html tags

― rrrobyn, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 18:28 (eighteen years ago)

ooooh, that there was Ivadene. remember she run off with a man that lived up there on tha ridge. they had two kids that moved to the city years ago. One's usin dope...

― SusanD, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 18:41 (eighteen years ago)

i've got all this beautiful crystal and china and one day FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION (cough cough wedding grandkids cough cough) i'm going to pass it down to you!

― get bent, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 18:45 (eighteen years ago)

"Oh, you're soooo beauuutiful! What's your name, dear?"

grandma avec alzheimers.

― Andi Mags, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 18:49 (eighteen years ago)

Answering machine message from my Grandma:

"Gramma F called.... Gramma F.... Decoration day picnic is on Sunday... Gramma F. [insert phone number recitation here, as if I didn't have it]. Gramma F."

― molly mummenschanz, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 18:56 (eighteen years ago)

SusanD:

Canada or the Midwest?

― fife, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 18:58 (eighteen years ago)

pennsylvania. but she speaks just like the smalltown Canadian characters alice munro's novel

― SusanD, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 19:22 (eighteen years ago)

My Grandad's pretty awesome. He built ships. Which is a damn sight more impressive than anything I've ever done.

― Matt, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 23:00 (eighteen years ago)

Say there, you sound like your Dad on the phone! How're you doing? I'm just sitting around here talking to the cat, and your aunt was by earlier today -- she was telling me about your second cousin who's so gosh darn fat she can't sit on just one seat on an airplane. They make her buy two. Poor thing always has liked to eat, though. Her mother would feed her anything she wanted, at any time. Well then there was also the time... (extended gossip about various people, inevitably someone gets in a car accident or loses a limb on farm equipment... then segue to asking about whether I'm ready to get married yet).

― dan m, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 23:16 (eighteen years ago)

(only surviving grandparent (-mother) btw. she is awesome)

― dan m, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 23:18 (eighteen years ago)

stevienixed's grandma sounds a lot like Joan Rivers!

― JTS, Wednesday, 21 March 2007 23:56 (eighteen years ago)

mgf, d 1950
pgf, d 1959
mgm, d 1977
pgm. d 1996
sigh

― M.V., Thursday, 22 March 2007 01:04 (eighteen years ago)

How're the boys? They must be getting so big now and I hear that you are just such a wonderful mother. I hear they're awful smart. When are you coming to visit me? Soon? I don't think I'll manage to get up there this year with my hands all crooked and awful-looking. I know you kids think I can't still drive but I get around just fine, just went to the hairdresser's yesterday and that nice neighbor Bob helps me out quite a lot. When are you coming to visit? But I'm making out just fine, had lots of people over looking at Joe's old carved ducks and the pool man has been to clean the pool. I had another lizard in the house. Little Jimmy said he'd help clean but he made more of a mess than anything. When are you coming to visit? Soon? I have had so many visitors and I keep my mind sharp with the Wheel. I'm driving fine you know. Just went to the hairdresser's. I can't complain. My hands look awful now but I used to be quite a looker. That nice neighbor Bob carried me down to see Shirley. You remember Shirley from the Chatter Club? Joe was as sweet and polite as could be but he would just get up from the table when she was here when she started going on about education this and education that and politics. He never did like the New Deal and didn't care a hoot about any of that. He was a farmer and Shirley couldn't respect that. Now he's gone we visit but I can't stand her for more than a few minutes going on about politics. Joe and I would chuckle about the Clamdigger with the Farmer. Those boys must be getting big. I look at their pictures every day. I got the CD player working and I'm driving just fine. When are you coming to visit? Soon?

― Maria :D, Thursday, 22 March 2007 01:38 (eighteen years ago)

Maria-Fife-Matt-Get Bent-Ronan, oh, whoever the hell you are, there's cornbread in the dining room but it ain't fit to eat. Another bat came in through the chimley. That exterminator wasn't worth two cents, but I have no complaints about his butt. See, if the Thorn Birds is on, my lit'lest angle.

― emilys., Thursday, 22 March 2007 02:30 (eighteen years ago)

Would you like some rose hip tea, dear? Or would you prefer a small glass of ginger wine?

― moley, Thursday, 22 March 2007 02:39 (eighteen years ago)

Is your father doing anything good? Probably not, that fool doesn't know if he's on the ground or astride half the time. Never did anything. You're the only one having any kids, right, all your brothers and sisters are too old by now. I'm 90! Can't hear a damn thing. Can't hear you really. Not much I want to hear anyway. Honey, Ora, you take the phone and tell her goodbye, I've got to sit down. (my paternal gf)

― Maria :D, Thursday, 22 March 2007 05:58 (eighteen years ago)

xpost

but just don't drink that ginger wine TOO FAST, you'll choke on it if you drink it too fast! i remember cousin bill one time, HE drank ginger wine too fast once and etc etc

― impudent harlot, Thursday, 22 March 2007 06:33 (eighteen years ago)

We should have another thread where we do our parents. There is rich material for me there...

― moley, Thursday, 22 March 2007 07:20 (eighteen years ago)

From the accumulated wisdom of my (sadly now dead) maternal grandfather:

"There's nothing spoiled by butter except a nice black dress".
"Lean meat is fine, but I'd rather have a boiling piece."
"There's nowt so queer as folk, except women and pigs. And you can understand pigs."

― peteR, Thursday, 22 March 2007 09:55 (eighteen years ago)

Oh, and from my grandma (same side, also dead now):

Her: "Where are you off to?"
Me: "I'm going down the pub with Gary."
Her: "You be careful. You'll be on full pints before you know it."

― peteR, Thursday, 22 March 2007 10:44 (eighteen years ago)

I've never had grandparents (I mean, I obviously did, but not while I'm alive.) Are all old people stupid and slow and unable to keep up with what's going on? I don't love my parents, so I don't look forward to having to put up with this nonsense when they get older. And what about when I get older? I'm gonna turn into a burden, aren't I? Fuckers.

― The Wayward Johnny B, Thursday, 22 March 2007 13:45 (eighteen years ago)

"Hello Anna darling! [Hello] Where are you? Are you on your mobile? [I'm going home from work, walking to the bus stop] You be careful walking around on your own in the dark! [It is 6.30pm and I'm on one of the busiest streets in central London] Couldn't one of the boys you live with come and meet you? [Yes, if it was 1934 and neither of them had jobs or lives of their own] Now, Ann's neighbour bought new towels and linen, [Ann.. Ann... Oh - Ann you used to work with. I think] so I've given your mother a tablecloth [conversation with my mother reveals tablecloth was resisted, but had to be accepted in the end 'for when you have dinners'] and I've saved the towels for when you move house [but I have towels, I am not moving to a towel vortex]. You can pick them up at Easter. Do you need a teapot? [where did that one come from?]"

I love my nan, but I wish she'd stop giving people random things. Still, as faults go it's a nice one to have. She's also a shocking flirt, I have to pre-warn boyfriends and male friends. "If I was younger I'd have gone for him myself!" "I wouldn't have fancied competition from you Nanny Beryl." What's the response? A nice grandmotherly 'you are beautiful my lovely grandaughter?' No. A tinkling "Thank you! Anyway I need to go now! Bring him to see me, I like a nice young man!" She always expresses shock that "those boys I live with" see me without make up.

― Anna, Thursday, 22 March 2007 14:13 (eighteen years ago)

1. Calling "Hob Nobs", "Nob Hobs"

2. Calling a clock, "a knock"

3. Calling the cupboard, "a press"

4. "For any favour!" = "For goodness sake!"

― Tom D., Thursday, 22 March 2007 14:16 (eighteen years ago)

Wisdom from my grandmather that I totally agree with:

"The problem with a lovely country view Anna, is tha you turn around and you find there's no bugger to talk to."

― Anna, Thursday, 22 March 2007 14:18 (eighteen years ago)

SO WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING IN HERE STARING AT THE SCREEN? IT'S A LOVELY DAY! YOU THERE, COME AND HELP ME PUT NEW SLATES ON THE ROOF THEN WE'RE GOING FOR A HIKE COME ON COME ON

― .stet., Thursday, 22 March 2007 14:18 (eighteen years ago)

5. Calling a Chinese person, "a Chinee"!!!

― Tom D., Thursday, 22 March 2007 14:19 (eighteen years ago)

stevienixed's grandma sounds a lot like Joan Rivers!

With less of a functioning brain, yes, maybe.

Oooh I love this one!

She was still living in the South of France at the time.

on the phone with my mum "This is just APPALLING, but did you know that in the banks here they don't speak Dutch! Can you imagine!" rofflicious

in a letter to me after I sent her a pic. I was 14 years old at the time. "Don't worry, you'll acne will disappear in time."

in a reply to my mother asking if she should buy a house: "You liar. I will never ever give you money. Never. How dare you to ask us for money."

at a family dinner (my parents weren't present) to my family in law:"Nathalie's a good girl. It's her parents, they were such naughty people! Very very naughty."

― nathalie, Thursday, 22 March 2007 14:33 (eighteen years ago)

I'm imagining her being slightly doddery with the gravy immediately afterwards, and then being escorted out muttering "...of course, he's not your real dad. We don't know who your real dad is..."

― peteR, Thursday, 22 March 2007 14:40 (eighteen years ago)

hahahaha God, I think I love yer nan, PeteR

― nathalie, Monday, 26 March 2007 14:09 (eighteen years ago)

My entire family gets voicemails from my Nanna that sound like this:

5 seconds of breathing or occasionally a huff
2 seconds of fumbling
Really loud clunk as she puts the phone down

On the occasions that she does leave a message, she always signs off like this:

"Hope you're alright"
small pause
"Bye!"
long pause
"Nanna"

― Madchen, Monday, 26 March 2007 16:17 (eighteen years ago)

Whenever we go visit my grandma she says: "don't you people have any plans for the day?" [we drove 6 hours to visit her] "I'll be alright here, you just do whatever you need to do."
The social worker at the old age home calls my grandmother "challenging"

― saudade, Wednesday, 28 March 2007 01:24 (eighteen years ago)

one year passes...

transcription of birthday voice message from my grandmother:

"I have a wonderful birthday present. I'm giving you the state of Pennsylvania for Obama. I feel confident, having just listened to the news hour, that it's going to work out. It's so nerve-wracking not knowing what the people your age are doing. I mean, we know that you're all signing up to vote, but nobody knows where and who you are! And... But that's all right, that's just the people on television. I know you're all out there. "

― max, Sunday, 12 October 2008 20:34 (seventeen years ago)

watching a "filim".

― stone cold all time hall of fame classics (internet person), Sunday, 12 October 2008 20:36 (seventeen years ago)

Max, your grandmother rocks!

― Le Bateau Ivre, Sunday, 12 October 2008 20:43 (seventeen years ago)

one year passes...

grandpaw chats with me on AIM, from a hotel computer apparently:

Papa: HI UNREGISTERED ARE YOU THERE?????
Papa: THIS POPA AND GRANDMA
Me: oh, hi
Me: how are you?
Papa: WE ARE JUST FINE HOW ARE YOU DOING?
Me: pretty good
Me: i have to work at 5 today, but right now I'm just searching for jobs a little bit
Papa: WE ARE NOW DOWN AT CAPE COD FOR 3 DAYS TO CELEBRATE BEING MARRIED FOR 54 YEARS
Me: oh, happy anniversary!
Me: I hope it's nice down there
Papa: THATS GOOD I HOPE YOU FIND A GOOD ONE I KNOW UT TAKES A LONG TIME.
Me: thanks. I know I can manage it, though.
Papa: IT IS 50 RIGHT NOW BUT TO TMORROW IT WILL BE RAING
Papa: WE WILL SEE YOU THANKSGIVING DAY I HOPE YOU COOK A BIG TURKEY
Me: haha, I will
Me: though I'd prefer lasagna
Papa: WELL UNREGISTERED I WILL LET YOU GO FOR NOW AND GOOD LUCK ON THE JOB HUNTING
Me: ok, thanks. hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation.
Papa: WE LOVE YOU POPA & GRANDMA
Me: I love you -- bye.

― mrs. baoutterworth (unregistered), Thursday, 19 November 2009 17:40 (fifteen years ago)

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