How do you react when someone who's been recently bereaved takes an interest in you?

I once breifly dated a much older guy when I was quite young, he had lost his wife to cancer a few years before and said I was the first person he'd been with since. It was handled all fairly maturely and casually without too much weirdness - but he was 42. I dont know how someone else would.

So how would you have reacted if she didn't have a deceased husband? If she were just 'normally' single? Would you have wanted to see her again?

You need to say this stuff to her, it's the only sensible solution.

I'm not really in a position to get involved in something like this right now, for a whole host of reasons.

I can understand why you would be hesitant to enter a relationship with her.

What are your reasons? Are you afraid that the deceased partner would be the *third person*?

Or are you afraid the relationship would take a higher level of "seriousness" than if she were single?

if rigor mortis has just set in - quite badly.

if he's on the sofa and still warm - very badly.

if the death rattle coincides with opening the front door - extremely badly

how would you have reacted if she didn't have a deceased husband? If she were just 'normally' single? Would you have wanted to see her again?

In honesty, probably not. I might have been more willing to take a non-committal 'lets see where this goes' attitude, but it's unlikely. Either way, that wouldn't be fair at all in this situation.

Dont assume she's after something serious just cause she's bereaved.

i thought recently bereaved would be more like 2 weeks ago.

i don't know how little damage you think you're doing if she wants your hot cock in her flange and you don't give it to her because of her late husband. way to not make someone dwell on the past.

sorry by hot cock in i meant poo on

So what's wrong with treating her like any other single woman you quite like but don't particularly want to date? I'm not sure you need to be overly concerned about how she is going to react if you say that you had a nice time the other evening, but don't wish to pursue any sort of relationship with her right now. From what you have said, she seems to have her head totally together and is delaing with her bereavement very well - it may be that she feels that she's at the stage where she would like to start dating again in which case she's going to have to experience all the highs and lows that any single girl looking for a relationship does. The fact that she's widowed shouldn't mean that she's treated any differently by people, and from her matter-of-fact approach it doesn't sound as if she's expecting to be.

Do you feel that you might be seen as insensitive by turning her down?

CJ - yes, that's the sort of response I was hoping for really. I'm sure I'm worrying about nothing much really, just concerned that this would require an extra degree of sensitivity and was kind of wondering how much would be seen as too much.

OK, I'm going to approach this from the perspective of someone who's been in her position and made the same mistakes.

The first thing I want to say is that even - or especially - 12-18 months on from losing your partner it's debatable whether you're really ready for that kind of relationship again (and please note I'm using the second person as a convenient shorthand here; also it's less pretentious than saying "one" throughout). It's far too soon and you end up carrying the invisible "bereaved" placard which for better or worse puts people off, and perhaps not without reason - your anxiety is palpable, as indeed is your desperation.

What you need to cultivate and develop as a bereaved person are friendships; these are vital, far much so than forlorn chatting-up or desperate, shortlived sexual flings, because you do feel like half a person, like half of you has been summarily cut off with a chainsaw, and you endlessly size up people to compare them with a "rival" with whom in truth they could never compete. It's easy to turn your lost love into a crutch; goodness knows I've come close to doing so enough times.

(With me the double placard of "widower plus Asperger's" was a double no-no for any potential partners, apart from the two shortlived and utterly misguided pseudo-relationships into which I entered during my period of bereavement, but anyway that's not strictly relevant here...)

So clearly this woman is anxious, and she has every right to be; bereavement is a long and harrowing process (in Kobler-Ross terms it took me on average one year to pass through each of the five stages) and the bereaved needs plenty of people around him, both sympathetic and empathetic. Is it not possible just to cultivate a friendship with her and make it clear (not in a cruel way) that that's the level at which it should continue until or unless things develop further? If you're not attracted to her in that way, then it's also unfair for her to have expectations which you couldn't possibly fulfill, as well as putting an unfair burden on you.

The fact is I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship for the best part of five years; I had to pass through the grieving process, however messy or unattractive it made me seem, at the correct and natural speed. And when I think of what I've got now - because in the end I was patient, and waited, and all the time this long-distance friend of mine got closer and closer to me, and I to her, and she is so clearly the right one; and now I'm glad that I didn't succumb to earlier temptations, didn't enter into any further ill-advised and potentially destructive affairs...she is truly worth a lifetime's wait.

This is a rather messy and incoherent post, but then these things are never straightforward, and I just wanted to say what it was like from the perspective of someone who's been through it.

I've been in the position you're in, have thoughtlessly charged into the breech, and have lived to regret it. A lot. But that's me, and I'm not sure it has anything to do with your situation.

Noodle is right. You should talk to her about this (if you spend time w/ her again, that is).

And in spite of the presentation, Ken C is right, too. There's something sad about the idea of her being rejected on the grounds that she's been "recently bereaved."

Still, bottom (and super-obvious) line is that you shouldn't go anywhere you don't feel comfortable.