postcard from china!

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http://www.randomhouse.co.uk/vintage/seaotters/ecards/images/SeaOttersChina.jpg

‘Felix, this is your mother speaking.’

I was like, ‘Oh shit.’ My brain went into total hyperdrive. ‘Err…oh…hi mum.’

‘Felix, I have spoken to Dora today and she says she still can’t get you on the home phone. I hope there’s no problem?’

‘No, no, I was out and about this afternoon…’

‘Very well…anyway she phoned to say that Mrs Pretzel would like you to start work again in two days.’

‘Uh…yes…’ Cheng’s cousin looked at me. I opened the door and got out of the car, keeping my head down and talking quietly into the phone, ‘Is she sure? Is Vespasian OK?’

I stepped away from the car a little, carefully avoiding a small pile of desiccated dogshit just by my feet. As I did I heard a small but insistent metallic click. I looked up; directly in front of the car was a Chinese guy dressed in a black suit and an oversized black leather jacket, pointing a handgun at me.

‘Felix?’ the thin, electronic sound of mother’s voice was so distorted she sounded like she were trapped in a tin bucket at the bottom of a deep well. My arm froze. Two thoughts flashed into my head:

1. should I tell my mum about the guy with the gun? and
2. I’m going to die a virgin.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:44 (nineteen years ago)

BRITAIN PLS EXPLAIN YOURSELF

― ghost rider, Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:46 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.randomhouse.co.uk/vintage/seaotters/ecards/images/SeaOttersLondon.jpg

The interior of the House of Ming was total chaos. It was crammed full of overflowing cardboard boxes and these cheap storage units covered in all sorts of junk. On the nearest shelf I could see a row of anti-dandruff shampoo next to some cut-glass swans, then there were some crystal therapy gift packs beside some toothpaste with Arabic script all over the box. Immediately in front of me stood a dump bin advertising the Rugrats movie; however, the bin itself was full of socks, not Rugrats socks, just black nylon socks selling at £1.99 for ten pairs. Slumped on the floor next to the dump bin sat an exhausted cardboard box full of books. I knelt down and had a quick rummage, hoping I might find something interesting, but it was full of celebrity autobiographies, diet books and self-help manuals; the usual cultural sewage. I was just about to sack it and go and meet Jim when a massive tidal wave of nostalgia knocked me off my feet. Next to the books, propped against a grubby pillar, stood a pile of Sea Monkey kits. Sea Monkeys. I hadn’t seen them for total yonks.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:48 (nineteen years ago)

Louis Jagger's back?

― Dom Passantino, Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:49 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.randomhouse.co.uk/vintage/seaotters/ecards/images/SeaOttersHongKong.jpg

The hairdresser’s was empty apart from these three guys sitting around playing guitars and smoking cigarettes. I was a little taken aback, but the place looked pretty professional. It had all the proper, fucked up backwards sinks, plus the three guys had supercool hairdos, like the ones in the picture in the window. When I asked them about a haircut, they looked at each other blankly for a bit without saying anything, then one of them got up with a weary look on his face and pointed to one of the chairs.

The dude that cut my hair gave me a style book to look at and I picked this quite cool short do, which I could have passed off as being sensible if I wanted. But when he finished and I looked in the mirror, it looked nothing like the hairdo in the book. I don’t know if it was deliberate, but I swear it’s the worst haircut I’ve ever had in my entire life. I don’t even know how to begin to describe it, though if you can picture how a gorilla’s hair is, like really short at the front and sort of piled up in a tufty pyramid on top, and then if you can imagine that the same gorilla had just undergone an intensive course of chemotherapy, then you’re not too far away. When I tried to explain that it wasn’t what I wanted, I got the same blank kind of look as before. What could I do? I suppose I could have refused to pay them, but they looked pretty mean.

As I walked out the shop I’m sure I heard the bastards sniggering..

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:50 (nineteen years ago)

TOTAL YONKS

― river wolf, Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:50 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.randomhouse.co.uk/vintage/seaotters/ecards/images/SeaOttersJapan.jpg

I finished my beer, got up and moved on. Suddenly the rain upped a gear, people rushed to shelter in shop doorways, scurrying along, holding newspapers over their heads. I ended up under the awning of a noodle bar. The menu in the window was in Japanese only, but the pictures of noodles looked good and I was pretty hungry so I decided to go for it. Mind you, I had some major problems ordering. None of the staff understood English and I briefly contemplated sacking it and heading off to find a burger, but I thought that was a bit lame, so I persevered. With a bit of miming and pointing I managed to score some chicken noodle soup. I looked a little ridiculous flapping my arms and pecking at the ground and shit, but they seemed to get my drift and, as the food was excellent, a little amusement for the locals seemed a small price to pay.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:51 (nineteen years ago)

and that's the end of today's public performance of schefterblog, the musical. thank you all for coming.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 18:54 (nineteen years ago)

― ghost rider, Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:00 (nineteen years ago)

8....[

― river wolf, Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:00 (nineteen years ago)

crying dawkins 8080

― ghost rider, Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:01 (nineteen years ago)

i thought you guys didn't even like the pink otter.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:02 (nineteen years ago)

no he makes me cry like the crying dawkins emoticon

― ghost rider, Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:03 (nineteen years ago)

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/229/447431232_3321788f18.jpg

don't cry, barotter is here with a beer

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:05 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.alaska-travel.de/images/skins/otter/Postcard.jpg

I pick up the phone and call Julian, amazed that I actually can remember his number, but there's no answer. I sit up, and through the venetian blinds I can see the palm trees shaking wildly, actually bending, in the hot winds, and then I stare back at the poster and then turn away and then look back again at the smile and the mocking eyes, the red and blue glasses, and I can still hear people are afraid to merge and I try to get over the sentence, blank it out. I turn on MTV and tell myself I could get over it and go to sleep if I had some Valium and then I think about Muriel and feel a little sick as the videos begin to flash by.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:08 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.wildlife-fantasy.com/artwork/otter_relax.jpg

Nobody's home. The air conditioner is on and the house smells like pine. There's a note on the kitchen table that tells me that my mother and sisters are out, Christmas shopping. From where I'm standing I can see the dog lying by the pool, breathing heavily, asleep, its fur ruffled by the wind. I walk upstairs, past the new maid, who smiles at me and seems to understand who I am, and past my sisters' rooms, which still both look the same, only with different GQ cutouts pasted on the wall, and enter my room and see that it hasn't changed. The walls are still white; the records are still in place; the television hasn't been moved; the venetian blinds are still open, just as I had left them. It looks like my mother and the new maid, or maybe the old maid, cleaned out my closet while I was gone. There's a pile of comic books on my desk with a note on top of them that reads, "Do you still want these?"; also a message that Julian called and a card that says "Fuck Christmas" on it. I open it and it says "Let's Fuck Christmas Together" on the inside, an invitation to Blair's Christmas party. I put the card down and notice that it's beginning to get really cold in my room.

I take my shoes off and lie on the bed and feel my brow to see if I have a fever. I think I do. And with my hand on my forehead I look up with caution at the poster encased in glass that hangs on the wall above my bed, but it hasn't changed either. It's the promotional poster for an old Elvis Costello record. Elvis looks past me, with this wry, ironic smile on his lips, staring out the window. The word "Trust" hovering over his head, and his sunglasses, one lens red, the other blue, pushed down past the ridge of his nose so that you can see his eyes, which are slightly off center. The eyes don't look at me, though. They only look at whoever's standing by the window, but I'm too tired to get up and stand by the window.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:11 (nineteen years ago)

http://chascreek.blogs.com/local_life/images/asian_otter_1.jpg

A wave of cold wind sweeps over the crowd standing behind the barricades in front of the club and causes the confetti strewn over the plush purple-and-green carpet leading up to the entrance to dance and swirl around the legs of cops guarding the place and behind the velvet ropes stand three cool Irish guys Damien hired, each of them holding a walkie-talkie and a separate guest list, and on either side of the velvet ropes are huge gangs of photographers and then the head publicist--smiling warmly until she sees Chloe's dress--asks us to wait where we are because Alison, wearing the same Todd Oldham dress Chloe has on, and Damien in a Gucci tuxedo are making their entrance and posing for the paparazzi, but people in the crowd have already noticed Chloe and shout out her name in high, garbled voices. Damien appears unusually tense, his jaw clenching and unclenching itself, and Lauren suddenly grabs my hand and I'm also holding Chloe's and when I look over at Chloe I notice she's holding Baxter's.

Damien turns around when he hears people shouting out Chloe's name and he nods at me, then smiles sadly at Lauren, who just mutters something indifferent, and when he sees Chloe's dress he does a hideous double take and tries valiantly to smile back a humongous gag and then he hurriedly ushers Alison into the club even though she's in the middle of taking major advantage of the photo ops, obviously pissed at the interruption, and thankfully Chloe's already too blinded by the flashing cameras to have noticed Alison's dress and I'm making a significant mental note about what should happen once inside: dim all the lights, sweet darling, or the night will be over with.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:23 (nineteen years ago)

http://img471.imageshack.us/img471/4536/otteronloggj7.jpg

― ghost rider, Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:38 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.kundalinibags.com/images/coldbacon/fez_otter1.jpg

SEXUAL FANTASIES IN CONNECTION WITH RONALD REAGAN. The genitalia of the Presidential contender exercised a continuing fascination. A series of imaginary genitalia were constructed using (a) the mouth parts of Jacqueline Kennedy, (b) a Cadillac, (c) the assembly kid prepuce of President Johnson...In 89% of cases, the constructed genitalia generated a high incidence of self-induced orgasm. Tests indicate the masturbatory nature of the Presidential contender’s posture. Dolls consisting of plastic models of Reagan’s alternate genitalia were found to have a disturbing effect on deprived children.

REAGAN'S HAIRSTYLE. Studies were conducted on the marked fascination exercised by the Presidential contender’s hairstyle. 65% of male subjects made positive connections between the hairstyle and their own pubic hair. A series of optimum hairstyles were constructed.

THE CONCEPTUAL ROLE OF REAGAN. Fragments of Reagan’s cinetized postures were used in the construction of model psychodramas in which the Reagan-figure played the role of husband, doctor, insurance salesman, marriage counselor, etc.

The failure of these roles to express any meaning reveals the nonfunctional character of Reagan. Reagan’s success therefore indicates society’s periodic need to re-conceptualize its political leaders. Reagan thus appears as a series of posture concepts, basic equations which reformulate the roles of aggression and anality. Reagan’s personality. The profound anality of the Presidential contender may be expected to dominate the United States in the coming years. By contrast the late JFK remained the prototype of the oral subject, usually conceived in pre-pubertal terms. In further studies sadistic psychopaths were given the task of devising sex fantasies involving Reagan. Results confirm the probability of Presidential figures being perceived primarily in genital terms; the face of LB Johnson is clearly genital in significant appearance--the nasal prepuce, scrotal jaw, etc. Faces were seen as either circumcised (JFK, Khrushchev) or uncircumcised (LBJ, Adenauer). In assembly-kit tests Reagan’s face was uniformly perceived as a penile erection. Patients were encouraged to devise the optimum sex-death of Ronald Reagan.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Thursday, 5 April 2007 19:46 (nineteen years ago)

waht

― HI DERE, Friday, 6 April 2007 01:05 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.melaniesemporium.com/cali_sea_otter.jpg

my parents went to china, and all they got me was this lousy red star from mao's tomb.

― Eisbaer, Friday, 6 April 2007 06:25 (nineteen years ago)

someone explain to me why I shouldn't bomb this thread with lyrics from the new Nickelback charity single

― Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 6 April 2007 06:28 (nineteen years ago)

LOOK ALLY I FOUND THIS http://youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno

THEYRE HOLDING HANDS

― kingfish, Friday, 6 April 2007 06:30 (nineteen years ago)

this thread is meme-o-licious!

― gershy, Friday, 6 April 2007 06:36 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.achewood.com/rsrc/img/philippe_blog.gif

― Ed, Friday, 6 April 2007 11:47 (nineteen years ago)

Ed, you have gone up in my estimation. That's my wallpaper both on work PC and at home! A pint shall be yours on the 21st for this.

― kv_nol, Friday, 6 April 2007 11:49 (nineteen years ago)

someone explain to me why I shouldn't bomb this thread with lyrics from the new Nickelback charity single

Because you might die.

― HI DERE, Friday, 6 April 2007 11:58 (nineteen years ago)

All I have to say is:

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/124/338123787_3dfc870036.jpg

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 6 April 2007 12:30 (nineteen years ago)

http://www.melaniesemporium.com/cali_sea_otter.jpg
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I OWN THIS THING

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Friday, 6 April 2007 14:49 (nineteen years ago)

also curtis why would you do that are you a dickhead?

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Friday, 6 April 2007 14:50 (nineteen years ago)

short answer: yes :[

― Curt1s Stephens, Friday, 6 April 2007 16:30 (nineteen years ago)

;_;
that's a sad story, bro.

― the schef (adam schefter ha ha), Friday, 6 April 2007 17:19 (nineteen years ago)

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