Here is a collection of actual similes and metaphors found in real high school essays:
“She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword puzzle.”
“His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.”
“He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.”
“She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was a room-temperature Canadian beef.”
“He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.”
“The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.”
“The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.”
“McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.”
“From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and The Simpson’s comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.”
“The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.”
“Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.”
“John and Melinda had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.”
“Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.”
“The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.”
“Oh, Jason, take me!, she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.”
“He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.”
“The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.”
“He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.”
“She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
“It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall”
― lfam, Saturday, 28 April 2007 17:14 (eighteen years ago)
Dudes yeah, this has been around forever, as like:
'XYZ newspaper worst metaphor contest results winners!'
'Gravediggers Union Local 412 writes terrible metaphors for fun/profit!'
'Actual dumb metaphors typewritten by real human 2-year-olds!'
'Ancient internets ephemera: now with new tagline!'
But, they are funny, so, harm's not done.
― Abbott, Saturday, 28 April 2007 17:50 (eighteen years ago)