For My Brother (1982-2007).

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Hey folks, I don't really blog, so I guess this is as good a place as any to post this...

Last Wednesday morning, my mother called me with the worst news I've ever personally received: after an almost five year battle with mental illness, my younger brother took his own life. He was 25.

My brother suffered from Schizo-Affective Disorder - a combination of bipolar disorder & paranoid schizophrenia. He had the extreme highs & lows associated with the former, and the disconnection from reality that comes with the latter. In my heart I believe he wanted to get off the bizarre merry-go-round of meds, breakthroughs, plateaus, & relapses. I hope that he finally has some peace.

I flew home to Newfoundland last Saturday to see him one last time.

The wake was beautiful. When I walked into the funeral home and realized how many people were there - not just family, but friends of the family, including some of my brother's schoolmates & ex-girlfriends (!!!) - I was absolutely overwhelmed. The love for him in the room was palpable, and if there's good in any of this, it's that I got to reconnect with people I'd not seen in almost 20 years.

My father (who has played music all his life) and his old bandmates brought their acoustic guitars and had a jam session in my brother's honour, right by the casket. (My brother loved punk, classic rock, and the blues, and was an excellent musician in his own right.) I sang "Tears In Heaven" and "Down On The Corner", completely impromptu. We explained to the director of the funeral home that we felt it was appropriate, given what an incredible role music had played in my brother's life. He'd never seen anything like it in 20 years, and was visibly impressed. "This," he said, "is an old-time, Newfoundland kitchen wake."

Dad put some guitar picks in my brother's jacket pocket. Mom put his Class of 2000 high school t-shirt, along with a teddy bear he'd had as a kid, in the casket. I kissed his forehead, hugged him as best I could, and told him I'd miss him. The three of us - Mom, Dad, and myself - hugged. Then it was time to say goodbye.

The funeral service & burial were appropriately solemn, the former almost too much so, I felt. I would've preferred a real eulogy to the Bible readings that were given, but I was told later that the Catholics don't really do eulogies, at least not in Newfoundland. My Mom's brothers were the pallbearers, and I sat at the front of the church between my parents. My Mom was very composed during the service until the very end, when she cried during "Amazing Grace". At the burial, I put my hands on the casket one last time before they lowered my brother into the ground.

I know that none of you ever got to meet my brother, but I'm sure you would've liked him. He was whip-smart, incredibly talented, wickedly funny, and just immensely likeable all around. Before he had mental health issues he was the very picture of normal - your typical small town snowboarder/skater kid, best known for his guitar chops and his big heart, who was well-liked wherever he went. (One of his exes set up a Facebook memorial for him, and almost 200 kids signed up in the first 3 days.)

I talked on the phone with my brother about 2 weeks ago. He was lucid and focused, the most like his old self I'd heard him in a couple of years. But even at his worst, when he was tortured by all sorts of terrible delusions & voices, you could still see his true personality fighting to come through.

I am proud to have had him as a brother and as a friend, and I'll miss him terribly.

― Tantrum The Cat, Friday, 4 May 2007 21:53 (eighteen years ago)

Damn.

Best of thoughts and love to you and all your family. I can't imagine how this must feel like.

― Ned Raggett, Friday, 4 May 2007 21:56 (eighteen years ago)

I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's very clear that he was well loved and I'm sure he knew that regardless of the mental illness he suffered. Like Ned said - I'll send good thoughts and wishes his - and your - way.

― Sara R-C, Friday, 4 May 2007 22:01 (eighteen years ago)

Your tribute is moving and I send the best of wishes and vibes in your direction.

― StanM, Friday, 4 May 2007 22:20 (eighteen years ago)

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Such a brother would be great to have.

― kingfish, Friday, 4 May 2007 22:22 (eighteen years ago)

I'm glad you took the time to tell us about your brother, and I hope that you and your family can find some peace.

― patita, Friday, 4 May 2007 22:26 (eighteen years ago)

My sincerest condolences, Tantrum. The wake sounds like it was something unique and in character with your brother and the family and friends who loved him. I imagine he would have liked that.

― Michael White, Friday, 4 May 2007 22:37 (eighteen years ago)

What a beautiful testimony to your brother's life. I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope your memories of him continue strong and warm.

― Jaq, Friday, 4 May 2007 22:43 (eighteen years ago)

So sorry for your loss, Tantrum. Your brother sounds like a great guy, and I hope he's found peace.

― stet, Friday, 4 May 2007 22:46 (eighteen years ago)

I'm sorry for your trouble Tantrum, it sounds like your brother got a raw deal, I hope your family can manage with the pain and sadness you all must be feeling at the moment.

― Ronan, Friday, 4 May 2007 22:50 (eighteen years ago)

Nothing can replace your loss but I hope you can find solace through your memories of him. Take care.

― Billy Dods, Friday, 4 May 2007 22:58 (eighteen years ago)

i'm genuinely saddened to hear about this, Tantrum, but i'm glad to have had the chance to read about him. RIP.

― jed_, Friday, 4 May 2007 23:00 (eighteen years ago)

I'm sorry for your trouble, Tantrum. Thanks for telling us about him.

― accentmonkey, Friday, 4 May 2007 23:03 (eighteen years ago)

My condolences, Tantrum. I'm sure he would've been well-loved around here too. Take care.

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Friday, 4 May 2007 23:16 (eighteen years ago)

What a beautiful post. All my sympathies - I'm sure he knew how lucky he was to have a brother like you too.

― Mark C, Friday, 4 May 2007 23:51 (eighteen years ago)

Tantrum, I'm sending all my best wishes to you and your family. I agree that the wake sounds very, very fitting for your brother. You couldn't have done better.

― If Timi Yuro would be still alive, most other singers could shut up, Friday, 4 May 2007 23:55 (eighteen years ago)

Tantrum, you rock. I miss your brother now too. Stay strong.

― Dimension 5ive, Saturday, 5 May 2007 00:11 (eighteen years ago)

That was a wonderful telling of your brother. All best to him, you & your family.

― Abbott, Saturday, 5 May 2007 00:41 (eighteen years ago)

Tantrum, I'm so sorry. I think I know how painful it can be when someone close to you takes their own life, and I hope that with time you are able to make peace with it. Thank you for sharing a tiny bit of his life with us, and let him live through your memory.

Leo

― lfam, Saturday, 5 May 2007 00:45 (eighteen years ago)

Oh Tantrum, I am so very sorry for your loss. Reading your post made me tear up, and I dont really even know you, but you speak so beautifully of who he was to you. I trust he has found peace now, and hope you and your loves ones will also. *hugs*

― Trayce, Saturday, 5 May 2007 01:01 (eighteen years ago)

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your beautiful words brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure your brother knew how loved he was and always will be.

― ENBB, Saturday, 5 May 2007 01:09 (eighteen years ago)

jesus tantrum i'm sorry. that's really sad. your bro sounds like a great person.

― s1ocki, Saturday, 5 May 2007 01:25 (eighteen years ago)

How very awful to lose your brother. Your words about him so very eloquently convey the love and joy he brought to you, your family and friends. He is at peace and surely knew that he was deeply loved.

― Wiggy Woo, Saturday, 5 May 2007 01:27 (eighteen years ago)

thanks for sharing that, tantrum. it's a terrible thing for you and your parents to have to go through, but it sounds like you are focusing on all the right things; coming together, remembering what made him great. it certainly was moving to read your recollection. I had a nearly identical experience, although with a more distant family member. there was consolation in imagining he finally had his peace at last. my thoughts are with you.

― Edward III, Saturday, 5 May 2007 01:29 (eighteen years ago)

Tantrum, I'm very sorry to hear of your/his loss. Take care of yourself.

― SusanD, Saturday, 5 May 2007 01:30 (eighteen years ago)

tantrum, i am very sorry you have lost your dearly loved brother.

― estela, Saturday, 5 May 2007 02:13 (eighteen years ago)

You have a beautiful way with words; I was also moved to tears. I think you should write more about your brother and about Newfoundland.

― Maria :D, Saturday, 5 May 2007 02:25 (eighteen years ago)

I miss your brother just from reading what you've written about him. he sounds like a wonderful person and I don't think he could've asked for a better tribute than the one you've given him.

― bernard snowy, Saturday, 5 May 2007 02:42 (eighteen years ago)

Thank you, everyone, for the kind words. I'll write more later.

― Tantrum The Cat, Saturday, 5 May 2007 04:32 (eighteen years ago)

What Maria said: you have such a beautiful way with words. So much so I'm crying a little bit. Lots and lots of hugs.

― stevienixed, Saturday, 5 May 2007 06:55 (eighteen years ago)

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but there are tears in my eyes and sadness in my heart and I really hope that he's found peace and that you and your family and his friends will find comfort in having shared your lives with someone who clearly meant so much to so many.

― ailsa, Saturday, 5 May 2007 08:56 (eighteen years ago)

That's so sad, my deepest condolences to you and your family. He sounds like a great guy and you gave him a wondeful goodbye. RIP

― onimo, Saturday, 5 May 2007 09:15 (eighteen years ago)

All the best for you & your family

― badg, Saturday, 5 May 2007 10:31 (eighteen years ago)

Hey Ian, wow. I'm so sorry for not saying something sooner, but I did not realize until now the reason for his death. Absolutely heartbreaking, and you'll never really get over it - but that's good in a strange way because it will keep a part of him with you as you go on. Let us know if we can do anything or you want some company or distraction. Spending time with you is always a pleasure! I hope the rest of your family is doing ok. Condolences to you, your dad and the rest. Take care.

― Kim, Saturday, 5 May 2007 15:21 (eighteen years ago)

My deepest condolences.

― HI DERE, Saturday, 5 May 2007 18:10 (eighteen years ago)

Deepest sympathies, Tantrum, and wishes for solace for you and your family. The wake sounds like a wonderful time of remembrance we'd all be lucky to have when it's our time.

― Rock Hardy, Saturday, 5 May 2007 18:22 (eighteen years ago)

a beautiful tribute, tantrum. my heartfelt sympathies.

― grimly fiendish, Saturday, 5 May 2007 18:52 (eighteen years ago)

my heart goes out to you - and thank you for sharing this - it reminded me of how much other people, esp family, can change our lives for the better just by being who they are. i don't know who/where i'd be without my brothers. it sounds like he'll always be with you, and many others, though. keep up the love.

― rrrobyn, Saturday, 5 May 2007 19:00 (eighteen years ago)

I also offer thanks for your eloquent testimony. My girlfriend's brother is a diagnosed schizophrenic so the subject is close to my heart.

Blessings and kind thoughts,

S

― sleeve, Saturday, 5 May 2007 22:32 (eighteen years ago)

Hugs to you, Tantrum. That kind of mental illness is so cruel. Your poor, sweet brother. Ach.

― Beth Parker, Sunday, 6 May 2007 00:24 (eighteen years ago)

Damn, Tantrum, I'm so sorry, for you, your family and your brother.

― Ms Misery, Sunday, 6 May 2007 00:48 (eighteen years ago)

My condolences and love to you and your family, Tantrum. An awful way to lose someone, but it seems as though you will keep his wonderful spirit alive.

― the table is the table, Sunday, 6 May 2007 17:51 (eighteen years ago)

I'm so sorry, Tantrum. There's a bit in At His Brother's Grave (the eulogy given in 1879 by Robert Green Ingersoll, on the death of his brother) where he says :

"He added to the sum of human joy; and were every one to whom he did some loving service to bring a blossom to his grave, he would sleep to-night beneath a wilderness of flowers"

Your brother sounds like someone who was very well loved also, and I hope that he too sleeps beneath a wilderness of flowers, and is at peace.

Hugs

C J

― C J, Sunday, 6 May 2007 20:48 (eighteen years ago)

Thanks for that, CJ. The full speech is [url[Removed Illegal Link]. (More can be read about Ingersoll here.

― Ned Raggett, Sunday, 6 May 2007 21:11 (eighteen years ago)

Trying that first link again.

― Ned Raggett, Sunday, 6 May 2007 21:11 (eighteen years ago)

that's very moving to read, and i'm very sorry for your loss.

― tipsy mothra, Monday, 7 May 2007 06:39 (eighteen years ago)

Oh god I'm so sorry. :(

― Curt1s Stephens, Monday, 7 May 2007 06:48 (eighteen years ago)

Just adding my voice to the chorus. It's a wonderful and moving remembrance of your brother. You've got my sincerest condolences.

― en i see kay, Monday, 7 May 2007 08:56 (eighteen years ago)

My little sister can drive me crazy like few other people alive, but I don't know what I would do without her. Although I've never met either of you, I'm sorry. What you wrote about him is beautiful, and is a credit to you both.

― j-rock, Monday, 7 May 2007 10:48 (eighteen years ago)

My condolences and best wishes to all concerned.

― PJ Miller, Monday, 7 May 2007 12:04 (eighteen years ago)

TTC, my sympathies and best wishes to your family.

― Dr Morbius, Monday, 7 May 2007 13:28 (eighteen years ago)

When my father died a friend of mine told me, "Now you can be him." It's true, in a way. The qualities you admire are free for the taking—he's not here to fill that role. You can be him, in some small way, and thus keep him.

― Beth Parker, Monday, 7 May 2007 13:32 (eighteen years ago)

Anyone who is interested in seeing pics of my brother can join the group "For Cream..." on Facebook. (My brother was nicknamed "Cream" in high school because of his love for Eric Clapton's band of the same name.)

Much love to you all...

― Tantrum The Cat, Monday, 7 May 2007 15:27 (eighteen years ago)

hope you're doing well, bud. holla if you're free at all this week, drinks are on me.

― The Cursed Return of the Dastardly Thermo Thinwall, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 05:12 (eighteen years ago)

oh man, tantrum, reading the stuff on that facebook page is making me cry. i hope you are taking care of yourself okay.

i had a friend in high school, ferisa, who i'd lost touch with over the past few years. she took her life in december '06. i didn't deal with it very well and the resulting depression snowballed out of control and i had to leave school. i hope you have someone you can talk with. i think that is the most important thing.

― lfam, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 06:00 (eighteen years ago)

sorry, i didn't mean to make this about me.

― lfam, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 06:00 (eighteen years ago)

No worries, lfam. I've been blessed with some really good people in my life.

Some days are harder than others, but I'm holding up. What I'd really like is a couple of days off (I went straight back to work after the funeral) to just... do nothing, and regroup.

It's become a cliche to say so, but the web really has changed the way we communicate - even the way we grieve. Although I only know a handful of you in real life, it's really helped me to tell all of you about my brother.

― Tantrum The Cat, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 14:43 (eighteen years ago)

That's very good to hear. And take those days off.

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 14:45 (eighteen years ago)

I will - not this week, but the week coming.

― Tantrum The Cat, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 03:17 (eighteen years ago)

I'm so sorry - my condolences to you and yours. xxx

― luna, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 15:58 (eighteen years ago)

I'm really sorry to hear about this. Your posts are incredibly moving, though. Your brother sounds like an amazing person.

― Masonic Boom, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 16:01 (eighteen years ago)

He was, and is.

― Tantrum The Cat, Wednesday, 9 May 2007 18:11 (eighteen years ago)

Many thanks (again) for everyone's kindness.

I've got today & tomorrow off, so I'm just relaxing right now. I'm slowly easing back into normal life, although I was a crying, bawling mess last night, and I don't think that will end just yet.

This may sound strange, but I feel like I'm mourning two people - the guy my brother had been before he started having troubles, and the guy he'd become when he passed on. I think I've really been grieving the former for a few years now. :(

I'd like everyone's advice on something. I took a few mementos of my brother from my Mom's house. One of these was my brother's watch. It's nothing fancy, just a mid-price Timex Ironman watch, but I thought about wearing it (I don't usually wear a watch, because both my iPod and cellphone tell the time) in his memory. Is this weird / creepy? Should I just get a box and store it away? I have exactly three photos of the two of us together, so I'd like something tangible to remember him by.

I've never lost anyone this close to me, so I have no idea what I'm doing.

― Tantrum The Cat, Sunday, 13 May 2007 16:44 (eighteen years ago)

Do what you feel is right. (I don't think it's creepy or weird at all, FWIW)

― ailsa, Sunday, 13 May 2007 16:46 (eighteen years ago)

It sounds perfectly understandable and not remotely weird.

― Noodle Vague, Sunday, 13 May 2007 17:00 (eighteen years ago)

I don't think it sounds weird or creepy; I think it sounds like a nice way to remember him.

― Sara R-C, Sunday, 13 May 2007 17:12 (eighteen years ago)

It might be a good way to grieve him.

― Michael White, Sunday, 13 May 2007 17:14 (eighteen years ago)

i was given my uncle's watch when i was 16, after he died in a motorbike crash. i didn't really know what to do with it, so i squirrelled it away in a box. i found it when i moved house seven years ago and it seemed the most obvious thing in the world to wear it.

then the strap broke - or rather the bit connecting the strap to the body - and absolutely nobody i spoke to could fix it.

i wish i'd worn it more. yes, i would do this. absolutely. it's not weird at all; it's absolutely natural.

― grimly fiendish, Sunday, 13 May 2007 17:27 (eighteen years ago)

so sorry to hear about this tantrum. my heart goes out to you and your family. as thermo said, if you ever feel like stepping out for a drink here in toronto, i'll be there.

― Rob Bolton, Sunday, 13 May 2007 17:42 (eighteen years ago)

When my father died, I kept a cashmere sweater of his (which I had bought for him one Christmas). Whenever I'm sad or upset about anything I hug it, and I'm sure I can still smell his aftershave on it. It's immensely comforting.

― C J, Sunday, 13 May 2007 20:29 (eighteen years ago)

i have one of my grandpa's sweaters in a garment bag. still smells like mothballs and cigarettes!

― the table is the table, Monday, 14 May 2007 03:13 (eighteen years ago)

also tantrum, i think wearing the watch is a beautiful gesture.

― the table is the table, Monday, 14 May 2007 03:14 (eighteen years ago)

one month passes...

Is it supposed to hurt this bad? This week has been the worst in a LONG time...

― Tantrum The Cat, Friday, 6 July 2007 16:33 (eighteen years ago)

I'm so sorry Tantrum.

Grief is really, really hard. The only thing that truly eases it is time. Even then you will never (rightfully) forget, just learn to live more comfortably with it. Do you have someone you can talk about with it? What about writing things?

For awhile after my grandmother died I kept a notebook where I wrote letters to her. Although writing them was painful and I cried a lot it was cathartic. Afterwards I felt better. I still do this time to time when I miss her a lot.

Big hugs to you.

― Ms Misery, Friday, 6 July 2007 16:39 (eighteen years ago)

I lost my 24 year old cousin in a motorcycle accident just a couple of weeks ago. I can only imagine the pain and grief his family are going through. I'm very sorry for your the loss of your brother, Tantrum.

― Trip Maker, Friday, 6 July 2007 16:40 (eighteen years ago)

My sympathies, Tantrum. It's been a rough week for me, too. July 4th is the anniversary of a friend's death and despite the festivities, I can never help but undergo a little pang thinking about him.

― Michael White, Friday, 6 July 2007 16:48 (eighteen years ago)

Sorry about all this Tantrum. I lost my brother over 20 years ago and I still miss him and think about him quite a bit.

Yeah, even after all that time it still hurts but now instead of being paralysed for days it's just a momentary thing.

Anyway I don't have advice- you'll get though this.

― brownie, Friday, 6 July 2007 17:17 (eighteen years ago)

Sorry that you're still feeling it hard, Tantrum. I lost a good friend about 9 years ago, and I can still be caught by surprise at how much it hurts to miss him.

― patita, Friday, 6 July 2007 18:07 (eighteen years ago)

It's weird: I'm okay now, but a couple of hours ago it hurt to breathe.

Thanks again, everyone, for the kind words.

― Tantrum The Cat, Friday, 6 July 2007 18:36 (eighteen years ago)

Grief is weird like that, I think; it sometimes comes back in a wave. I think that is normal even years later.

I'm glad you're feeling better now. All I can say is hang in there...

― Sara R-C, Friday, 6 July 2007 18:55 (eighteen years ago)

Hurting is a natural reaction to any sort of pain, like a reminder that you can feel. And, as with any other pain, it does heal, though you do get twinges from time to time.

― ailsa, Friday, 6 July 2007 19:19 (eighteen years ago)

seven months pass...

Happy 26th Birthday, bro, wherever you are...

― Tantrum The Cat, Tuesday, 4 March 2008 16:33 (seventeen years ago)

one year passes...

... and Happy 27th!

― Tantrum The Cat, Wednesday, 4 March 2009 21:31 (sixteen years ago)

Such a moving post, still.

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 4 March 2009 21:33 (sixteen years ago)

Aww man, I didn't see this the first time around. I wish you well TTC and hope that the good memories are shining through brightly.

― Frank Sumatra (NickB), Wednesday, 4 March 2009 22:44 (sixteen years ago)

Thanks. I'm actually okay today. A little wistfully nostalgic, but okay.

― Tantrum The Cat, Wednesday, 4 March 2009 22:45 (sixteen years ago)

one year passes...

Three years today. Miss you, brother.

― Tantrum The Cat, Sunday, 25 April 2010 15:43 (fifteen years ago)

very moving thread. thanks for sharing the memories of your brother with us...nothing more important than family.

― Bogart Puff 'n Stuff (Cattle Grind), Sunday, 25 April 2010 15:58 (fifteen years ago)

echoing everything that has already been said. my sympathies.

― dyªº (dyao), Sunday, 25 April 2010 16:01 (fifteen years ago)

Lovely opening post, Tantrum. I hope you're bearing up.

― Ismael Klata, Sunday, 25 April 2010 16:09 (fifteen years ago)

Your words in this thread are so touching, Tantrum. Your brother sounds like such a quality guy.

― kissogram powers (Abbott), Sunday, 25 April 2010 17:10 (fifteen years ago)

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