Smiling when miserable

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Today I walked back to my car after a miserable milestone on a long road of misery. I had a beaming, beatific smile on my face. I walked a little more slowly than usual, because this felt more peaceful and helped to maintain this smile, and the sense that maybe things weren't so bad if I just didn't think about them, but just floated back to the car happily.

It almost felt good, until I began to think again.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 10:02 (eighteen years ago)

― Tracer Hand, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 10:13 (eighteen years ago)

Jesus Ronan, what's up?

― kv_nol, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 11:15 (eighteen years ago)

: (

― RJG, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 11:16 (eighteen years ago)

bah...just more health stuff. went to see a neurologist today, he says he thinks I definitely have migraines, and isn't really sure about what else is wrong. no real solutions. he did suggest I get an MRI scan though, which is a little scary but he assured me it was just routine and he didn't think that was the problem.

that's mildly worrying, but mainly I'm just depressed because the more doctors I see the more it seems like I'll just have to "give up" at some point. give up on ever feeling well again. I've seen so many doctors and even though I should be happy one has said "you definitely have this" mostly I just feel I'm in some sort of limbo between conditions.

It's sad, having to think like that. it makes me feel like I have two lives, one before being sick, and one afterwards, and that I must accept that the first one is over.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 11:29 (eighteen years ago)

Sorry man, that's rough altogether. Is an MRI like a cat scan? I had one of them a while ago and they're fine really. Is it the process or the actual fact that you need an MRI scaring you?

― kv_nol, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 11:32 (eighteen years ago)

It's not really the MRI that's worrying me, I don't think I have a brain aneurysm or any such horror, nor does the doctor. It's more the being sick forever part that is the problem I suppose. I haven't felt normal for 2 years.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 11:35 (eighteen years ago)

It's crap that they can't give you a proper diagnosis. If you at least knew what was going on you could work on that side of things. If possible (I know how stupid and condescending this sounds on a messageboard, sorry) try to view the illness as an episode. If things get cleared up and diagnosis is straightforward then you can work on and build up. [/Life coach] It's tough though, there's little you can do except keep pushing on with everything else while waiting for the possible solution. I'm not doing a very good job here, sorry.

― kv_nol, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 11:39 (eighteen years ago)

Horrible, horrible situation. I wish you all the best.

― *rumpie*, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 11:43 (eighteen years ago)

i know you've probably already tried this but maybe there's some diet thing that's being overlooked? wheat? milk? gluten?

― Tracer Hand, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 12:25 (eighteen years ago)

Aw Ronan, that's horrible and I think I'd feel exactly the same in your position, but you never know what's going to happen. You could go somewhere and be diagnosed and well on the way to feeling better in the next month. I know I sound like a self-help book, but it is true.

― Anna, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 12:48 (eighteen years ago)

:( poor Ronan.

― Madchen, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 12:56 (eighteen years ago)

It's sad, having to think like that. it makes me feel like I have two lives, one before being sick, and one afterwards, and that I must accept that the first one is over.

I'm sorry Ronan -- I know that feeling and it is a terrible one. Don't give up just yet, it can take a long time to get a diagnosis for a number of conditions.

― Nicole, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 13:05 (eighteen years ago)

yeah I guess that is true, I could get better. Though I don't know where else to go really, I am sort of hoping it might just go away some day.

Mostly I try not to think of getting better, because it is sort of a torment to hope about it. But that leads to other problems, it is very strange to live this life where you force yourself not to think about the past or the future.

It is a strange situation, I am inclined to hold out hope and keep seeing people. Then on the other hand my mum has been suggesting that maybe I'd be better off just sort of accepting it and living with it.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 13:07 (eighteen years ago)

I am inclined to hold out hope and keep seeing people.

Come FAPping on Saturday! We need an alternative to Iveagh because of weather.

Accepting it might be a bit risky, you don't want to give in!

― kv_nol, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 13:28 (eighteen years ago)

Lyme Disease in Ireland

I don't know what your symptoms are, but in the States, before there was an awareness of the disease, people used to suffer from headache, fatigue, neurological symptoms and joint inflammation for years. The organism is a spirochete, so it acts very much like syphilis—lying quiet, then going into a tertiary phase.
You don't always see the rash (bullseye lesion) at the site of the bite.

Just a thought. Maybe get tested.

― Beth Parker, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 13:43 (eighteen years ago)

But about the smiling—I read somewhere that using the zygomatious muscles actually activates a happy-making neurotransmitter.

― Beth Parker, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 13:47 (eighteen years ago)

This is true: it's been my quick fix for a few years now.

― Madchen, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 14:18 (eighteen years ago)

It does usually work! If I come in to work feeling gloomy I will fake cheerfulness long enough that it becomes real.

― Nicole, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 14:28 (eighteen years ago)

Ronan, I think for the most part your mom is right. To avoid making yourself ten times more miserable via depression you have to accept the illness as a new challenge in life. There will be many more in your future good and bad. This doesn't mean you have to give up on treatment. Learn all you can, try anything you think might work, and find a way to live with this so you can move forward and actually LIVE. You really don't have any choice do you? Feeling miserable about the unfairness of life does you no good, trust me.

― Ms Misery, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 14:31 (eighteen years ago)

I read somewhere that using the zygomatious muscles actually activates a happy-making neurotransmitter.

Didn't a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode use something like that once? (If it works, hey.)

― Ned Raggett, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 14:34 (eighteen years ago)

I agree really, I think I have done this to a big extent, I've changed my life sufficiently that it feels a little more normal now. It's not really that I feel miserable at the unfairness of life, more that I feel miserable purely because of physically feeling bad, sometimes. That can be hard to escape, plus it is a little difficult to forge ahead when things like meeting new people are inhibited by illness.

But yeah you are right, generally.

― Ronan, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 14:34 (eighteen years ago)

x-post, I agree with Ned too tho

― Ronan, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 14:34 (eighteen years ago)

It is a strange situation, I am inclined to hold out hope and keep seeing people. Then on the other hand my mum has been suggesting that maybe I'd be better off just sort of accepting it and living with it.

There's no reason you can't do both. Just because it doesn't go away doesn't mean you can't find ways to improve your situation, and it doesn't mean you shouldn't look for treatments. Ongoing tests might not produce magic diagnosis followed by miracle cure, but they could turn up something.

On the other hand, I'm one to talk. I bloody well hate hospitals and doctors, and resent every second I spend anywhere near them.

― accentmonkey, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 15:33 (eighteen years ago)

he says he thinks I definitely have migraines

Welcome to the club. I had to lie in today. My headache (or migraine) was so horribly thomping awful, I actually thought my head was bopping along with the thumpings (?). My husband (and others) claim that my inability to drink enough water is causing this. I doubt it. I just have fucking migraines, now shut up and leave me crying all alone in my bed. I wanted to crawl in the ground and never see the world again.

That said, my husband is amazed that, even when I feel crap, I can still walk into the shop and smile at customers. Hey, they don't give a shit about how I feel. I get it. I don't have a problem with it. And it actually makes me feel a little less sick. For a splitting headache of a second.

― stevienixed, Tuesday, 8 May 2007 20:19 (eighteen years ago)

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