being the other man/woman

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i'm sure there are other threads on this topic, but search sucks. so: do you have any experience with this? how did it end? what are your personal ethics on the matter? your anecdotes, hard-luck tales and words to the wise below, please.

― ^@^, Thursday, 10 May 2007 11:12 (eighteen years ago)

I've been in this situation once. The partner of the person I was seeing knew there was a third weel involved (their relationship was kinda open), but not that it was me. I probably couldn't have done if it had been a total secret. Anyway, there were situations where all three of us were together, and that felt really awkward. We eventually stopped seeing each other, but I can't say it was all in all a negative experience, just too complicated for everyone involved.

― Outlogged, Thursday, 10 May 2007 11:34 (eighteen years ago)

i was the other man, she (finally) dumped her boyfriend to go out with me, then cheated on me two years later, over and over again

― Tracer Hand, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:17 (eighteen years ago)

what goes around comes back around (i thought i told you, babe...)

― Gukbe, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:17 (eighteen years ago)

I've always been of the opinion that if it's possible to steal someone away from their current partner, then they are the kind of person who can be stolen. And that's not really the sort of person I've ever wanted to be with.

― C J, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:19 (eighteen years ago)

I didn't have the stomach for it.

This all happened a very long time ago... met a bloke who was in my town because he was going to uni. I knew he had a girlfriend back home, but he told me they had an "open relationship" so I kind of carried on with him, but was never particularly comfortable with it. One night I found (I can't remember if it was by accident - I certainly wasn't snooping, but I feel he was being careless because he *wanted* to get caught) a letter from the girlfriend back home. She told me that she had heard he was spending a lot of time with me, but urged him to "be strong, for the sake of their (not at all open) relationship."

I just felt sick. I had thought that it would be better to be the other woman than the cheated-on person, because at least you had the knowledge and therefore the power - but no, it didn't work that way. If someone is lying to their partner, they will lie to you, as well.

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:23 (eighteen years ago)

i dont think ive been the other person before. i would though, sure, why not? you know where you are (nowhere...but fun along the way)

― 696, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:29 (eighteen years ago)

I was once cited as being "the other man"

Incorrectly, funnily enough.

The girl basically *was* having an affair, but talked about the things that *we* had been doing (all chaste and above board, she was a friend of my sisters and we had all done these things in groups of three or more shuttup about Louis Jagger, I said no sex was involved right? OK brackets end), as that was safe to talk about. Overcompensating.

About a year later, she moved back up north. I visited her about a year after that, met her best friend, and .. two kids later.... here we are.

― Mark G, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:34 (eighteen years ago)

Kate and CJ totally OTM. I wouldn't do it - you're opening up a world of lies and deception which will ultimately lead to misery. I've had it done to me too, and obv it's v.v. hurtful.

― Dr.C, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:35 (eighteen years ago)

i dont mind a stranger being hurt

― 696, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:35 (eighteen years ago)

What if you were the stranger? Empathy? The categorical imperative/golden rule?

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:36 (eighteen years ago)

I've been this person (sort of) a couple of times. Once was like you describe Gareth. I didn't expect anything to happen (nor want it). Getting with someone who cheats is bad news. This situation was fine. He broke up with the girl after we had finished. Obv. wasn't meant to be.

The other time was with an ex who told me he and his current long-distance girl were in a "seeing other people" period. Later I realized this wasn't true but I wanted back with him and took the offered chance. We did get back together for awhile but it was a disaster (for reasons unrelated to infidelity). Good riddance to bad trash.

Overall I have a meh feeling on this. Could go either way depending on your feelings going in. In general it's probably safer not to want anything out of it than the superficial.

For the record, I've never cheated on anyone. That's a completely different story.

― Ms Misery, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:36 (eighteen years ago)

i have been the other man. it was lots of fun, esp when i realised he was into me but still trying to resist. that was a couple of years ago - lasted for a few months, then i moved to a different city. as far as i know they're still together.

― lex pretend, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:39 (eighteen years ago)

if i was the stranger? yea, itd suck. i like girls too much though. if they cute, they cute

agreed, cheatings a different story, never done that, wouldnt really want to go down that road particularly

― 696, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:41 (eighteen years ago)

What is the difference? I don't understand how you can be fine with being someones cheating-partner, but wouldn't cheat on your own partner? I don't understand that moral fineline.

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:43 (eighteen years ago)

I've been there a few times. I think it depends, if there's a friend involved or any additional circumstances (eg the couple have kids or something) then no way.

Otherwise, I kind of assume that if it's not happening with me, it's going to happen with someone else, and the poor bastard is going to end up cheated on anyway. Then I'm not too bothered. In fact it almost seems wasteful not to.

Expecting any of this to lead to a happy and trusting relationship is hoping for too much though.

― Matt DC, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:43 (eighteen years ago)

same reason i give a tenner to someone i know, and i dont give it to somme other guy i dont know

― 696, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:43 (eighteen years ago)

or when i drunkenly took a piss in steve m's garden. id never do it in a friends garden though

― 696, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:45 (eighteen years ago)

Otherwise, I kind of assume that if it's not happening with me, it's going to happen with someone else, and the poor bastard is going to end up cheated on anyway. Then I'm not too bothered. In fact it almost seems wasteful not to.

Expecting any of this to lead to a happy and trusting relationship is hoping for too much though.

^^^ absolutely true. wouldnt hope for anything like a relationship out of it. i'd probably be expecting at least an awesome blowjob though

― 696, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:46 (eighteen years ago)

i dont encourage the dated to keep comin w th come ons anymore..altho i used to and im sure it felt bad for sumone..a girl i like who i know has a new bf and could be easily swept away from him,was a lil drunk and kept tellin me what she wante dto do and stuff..and all i could think about was sum poor dude sittin at home counting his next weeks paycheck versus what he could buy her for dinner in his head and i made sum weird adult decision to let it all be.like th beetlulls

― danbunny, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:46 (eighteen years ago)

its not just wasteful, its immoral. in fact, you're helping the guy out really, showing him his girl sleeps with other people, and that also he should trust strangers less:D

― 696, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:47 (eighteen years ago)

How about being the other man/woman in bed with both of em? Based on my single piece of experience, don't.

― Dr Morbius, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:48 (eighteen years ago)

I've always been of the opinion that if it's possible to steal someone away from their current partner, then they are the kind of person who can be stolen. And that's not really the sort of person I've ever wanted to be with.

-- C J, Thursday, May 10, 2007 2:19 PM

oh, totally otm. a friend of mine met her chap while he was living with someone else, and they started seeing each other well before he broke up with his live-in lover. they've now been together for a year and have just moved in together, but now she's terrified that if he did the dirty for her, it's pretty likely he'll do it to her eventually as well. horrendous thought to have in the back of one's head.

does The Overlap count though, strictly speaking? I admit I used to do it a lot in my youth, and it seemed reasonable enough to my young, selfish mind. can't imagine doing it now though.

― CharlieNo4, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:49 (eighteen years ago)

you're all so negative about it! when i was the other man, as far as i know the relationship wasn't in trouble - it may have been but given that 2 years later they're still happily together it clearly wasn't serious. no one got hurt, no one faced any unpleasant truths, i had a fun summer fling.

― lex pretend, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:49 (eighteen years ago)

Are we talking about cheating on an ongoing basis, or stealing someone away from someone? Mister M stole me away. Am I the kind of person who can be stolen? I guess I was then, because I was no longer in love with the person I was with at the time. Now I am in love, so I'm no longer the kind of person who can be stolen away.

I suppose what I mean is that there isn't "that kind of person" on an ongoing basis, but circumstances can temporarily turn you into "that kind of person".

― accentmonkey, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:49 (eighteen years ago)

Also Kate - cheating on your own partner is actively and DIRECTLY hurting someone you're supposed to be close to, or even in love with. It's a totally different thing when there's a complete stranger involved.

― Matt DC, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:49 (eighteen years ago)

The Overlap only works if there is a certainty of dissoulution

― danbunny, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:50 (eighteen years ago)

too many letters

― danbunny, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:51 (eighteen years ago)

I keep thinking that I'm being old fashioned for being kind of shocked and/or horrified by some of the things being said in this thread.

But then realising that no, it's not the lack of "morality" or whatever, it's the total lack of empathy for the third party.

But I guess that's down to my experiences of being the cheated-on third party, or having my family ripped apart by a third party. No bit of fun, no matter how enjoyable, could make it worth it knowing I was inflicting that kind of pain on someone else. I'm not that cruel. WHETHER THEY ARE A STRANGER OR A FRIEND. I mean, what kind of an excuse is that? Is it OK to rob people if they're just complete strangers, and hey, I wouldn't rob from my friends?

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:55 (eighteen years ago)

i dont mind a stranger being hurt

-- 696, Thursday, May 10, 2007 4:35 PM (20 minutes ago)

i thought you were a socialist. this is 'thatcherkid of love' territory.

― That one guy that quit, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:57 (eighteen years ago)

The seriousness of the other person's relationship is a big factor too. If they'd been together years or had plans to do so then that's a 'no way' as well.

Also, sometimes you just don't know there's another person involved!

― Matt DC, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:57 (eighteen years ago)

I never ever thought I'd use the term, but...

i thought you were a socialist. this is 'thatcherkid of love' territory.

...is kind of OTM.

― Masonic Boom, Thursday, 10 May 2007 13:58 (eighteen years ago)

Kate. It's not all about you. Honest.

― kv_nol, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:00 (eighteen years ago)

i was the other woman in a drunken regrettable one night utterly crap shag about three years ago. the bloke was/is part of my circle of friends (though at that stage no one knew his girlfriend well, and I had never met her). We were spotted snogging and then leaving a club together by others in the circle. I have regretted it so many times it isn't funny... his girlfriend is lovely and always very nice to me, no doubt she wonders why I'm a bit cool to her (because I'm overwhelmed by guilt every time she smiles at me), and they are getting married later this year. Some friends in the circle no longer speak to me as a result of it, and I know that I took an absolute dive in the respect of others even though they do still consider me a mate. Surprisingly no one seems to look badly on him for it even though he was the one with the girlfriend and I was single. It made me hate myself, particularly my drunken self, it was the last straw in a long period of reprehensible behaviour on my part so I pretty much gave up drinking.

my ethics on it? don't do it, it's not worth it, it impacted on my relationships with a whole bunch of people i care about in negative ways, i can't really imagine what it did to his relationship with his girlfriend and i hope to god he never tells her. i still cringe whenever i see either of them, which is relatively often.

― gem, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:01 (eighteen years ago)

i was the other man, and it was hott. the main thing wz that i'd come out of a long term relationship a few weeks before, so the level of semi-commitment (TO FUN) without being something as pointless and depressing as a fuckbuddy error or whatever was so exactly what wz necessary. and her guy wz rubbish, so i never felt bad. eventually we got together, (not without a little heartache, granted, but hey) and i never worried about the whole "well if she can cheat once" thing what with it being an extremely lazy cliche and all.

― r|t|c, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:07 (eighteen years ago)

― ^@^, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:14 (eighteen years ago)

kate the problem with your analogy is that the third party cheatee doesn't take something the way a robber does.

― ^@^, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:26 (eighteen years ago)

I think being the "other man/woman" is a naughty thing to do.

― g-kit, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:30 (eighteen years ago)

I dunno, you're being party to the cheater taking something substantial out of their relationship, or away from their partner. It's metaphorical, but no less real. Of course, you could argue that a cheated-on relationship was obv not working anyway, or you could argue the opposite, that cheating isn't always significant and can be a way to stay IN a relationship if you have the right headspace...but being the third party is still a bit of an ethical morass.

― Laurel, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:32 (eighteen years ago)

when you are the "other" man/woman, the cuckold is ALWAYS rubbish

― Tracer Hand, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:38 (eighteen years ago)

agreed.

i think matt is otm about it depending on the various factors involved, as well.

xpost

― ^@^, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:39 (eighteen years ago)

btw if we're socialist surely "to each according to his need"

― Tracer Hand, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:40 (eighteen years ago)

property is theft

― Tracer Hand, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:40 (eighteen years ago)

minimum wage

― Mark G, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:42 (eighteen years ago)

dictatorship of the proletariat

― That one guy that quit, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:43 (eighteen years ago)

it's still naughty, no matter how many long words you use to justify it.

― g-kit, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:43 (eighteen years ago)

Expecting any of this to lead to a happy and trusting relationship is hoping for too much though.

Friend of mine discovered that she was being cheated on. They divorced. He is still with the other after more than seven years. It's dead wrong to assume that it won't ever work out because cheating can't lead to a lasting relationship. It depends on the reasons why the cheating happens. I think it's a very simplistic way to look at how relationships and people work.

― nathalie, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:44 (eighteen years ago)

sure, but is it just too much effort to break up with one person before persuing another?

― g-kit, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:46 (eighteen years ago)

G-kit, it depends. Effort? Maybe he still loved her (in some way). Relationships are never that simple.

I've always been of the opinion that if it's possible to steal someone away from their current partner, then they are the kind of person who can be stolen.

Sadly, you're a bit naive. Everyone can be stolen (at the right moment).

― nathalie, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:48 (eighteen years ago)

"I love you so much that I couldn't even break up with you before nobbing this other girl over and over"?

dat tru love

― g-kit, Thursday, 10 May 2007 14:50 (eighteen years ago)

Skipping 495 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

haha you're like our grandma

you're like "another time, another time"

― i like lucy (surm), Friday, 4 February 2011 00:17 (fourteen years ago)

ENBB is way younger and cueter than most grandmas, iirc

― one pretty obvious guy in the obvious (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Friday, 4 February 2011 00:18 (fourteen years ago)

tote

― i like lucy (surm), Friday, 4 February 2011 00:18 (fourteen years ago)

like way

― i like lucy (surm), Friday, 4 February 2011 00:18 (fourteen years ago)

hahahaha <3

Listen, I used to want to be a writer. It's in my blood, this storytelling thing.

― ENBB, Friday, 4 February 2011 00:19 (fourteen years ago)

ENBB: cutest storyteller ever :)

― VegemiteGrrrl, Friday, 4 February 2011 00:20 (fourteen years ago)

aw :)

(hey VG I don't know if you got it but I webmailed you a couple days ago)

― ENBB, Friday, 4 February 2011 00:22 (fourteen years ago)

You did? :D!! I don't think I got it :(
did you send it to s✧@r✧✧.✧3nny at g✧@i✧.✧*m?

― VegemiteGrrrl, Friday, 4 February 2011 00:27 (fourteen years ago)

This thread just got more interesting.

Jokes, jokes.

― one pretty obvious guy in the obvious (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Friday, 4 February 2011 00:28 (fourteen years ago)

No I did it through ILX so it would have gone to whatever email you registered with.

― ENBB, Friday, 4 February 2011 00:28 (fourteen years ago)

Wait! i found it ENBB :)

― VegemiteGrrrl, Friday, 4 February 2011 00:32 (fourteen years ago)

― ENBB, Friday, 4 February 2011 00:32 (fourteen years ago)

<3 <3

― VegemiteGrrrl, Friday, 4 February 2011 00:33 (fourteen years ago)

I should take this to another thread but quick question: if I've changed email addresses do I have to re-register?

― VegemiteGrrrl, Friday, 4 February 2011 00:34 (fourteen years ago)

yeah unfortch

― basically just a 2/47 freak out (sic), Friday, 4 February 2011 01:05 (fourteen years ago)

i had a one night stand with a coworker like four years ago and i'd had no idea he was married until about a month later

when he parades his baby around the office i give him the stink eye

― homosexual II, Friday, 4 February 2011 01:54 (fourteen years ago)

that's really very awful

― i like lucy (surm), Friday, 4 February 2011 04:42 (fourteen years ago)

i cannot imagine

― i like lucy (surm), Friday, 4 February 2011 04:42 (fourteen years ago)

i had a very close "friend" when i was younger who was bi, one night in a drunken flirty mess she asked me if I wanted to watch her and her female friend...of course i said yes, about 30 seconds into it once they were nude i freaked out and ran out of the room. DAMN IT.

But to answer the question above, I don't think I could watch my wife do that. I'd get jealous as I have trust issues anyways.

― Cultivating a manly musk puts your opponents on notice (chrisv2010), Friday, 4 February 2011 16:25 (fourteen years ago)

My weirdest story in this genre:

I flirted with a woman in a class, but it turned out she had a boyfriend, so I stepped away. A few months later I met her again and she talked about her boyfriend as though they were a thing of the past, so started hanging out with her. We drove to Mexico one night, got drunk, then came back to her place and fell asleep. In the middle of the night her boyfriend showed up and tried to kick me out of bed. I was too drunk and sleepy to leave, so I stayed and he laid down in bed with the two of us. In the morning the woman woke up to find herself between the two of us and was pretty freaked out.

― President Keyes, Friday, 4 February 2011 16:35 (fourteen years ago)

awesome.

― Cultivating a manly musk puts your opponents on notice (chrisv2010), Friday, 4 February 2011 16:36 (fourteen years ago)

that happened in a joe matt comic book

― dell (del), Friday, 4 February 2011 17:25 (fourteen years ago)

eight years pass...

Talk me out of it. But I’m out my marriage and I want some uncomplicated fun. It’ll never lead to anything serious. The easy part: he lives several hours away. My best friend said to stop pursuing it but I rrrrreally like him. More like a friend with benefit? We’ll see.

― nathom, Friday, 3 January 2020 00:00 (five years ago)

unlikely to be uncomplicated if he doesn't have an arrangement? even if he does complications may arise

― bidenfan69420 (jim in vancouver), Friday, 3 January 2020 00:12 (five years ago)

my mil's boyfriend of like 20 years has been married and living with his spouse the entire time. It seems to work fine.

― Yerac, Friday, 3 January 2020 00:22 (five years ago)

My friend: her mother had three kids w her (also married) lover. None with the husband. So weird.

Anyway we’ll see.

― nathom, Friday, 3 January 2020 00:39 (five years ago)

I did this inside of an arrangement and it was not uncomplicated.

He was an asshole who pressured her into an open marriage after she shut the door on threesomes, she was kind of my boss (I was barbacking a couple of nights a week for under the table cash, she owned the bar) and immediately pursued me. He didn't find anyone who'd fuck him for months (or maybe a year) and got increasingly assholish about it, she moved out of their house, started drinking heavily and started to get mad at me for not stepping up our relationship quicker. I noped the fuck out, I signed on for sidepiece sex, not dating someone 12 years older with three kids who wasn't even divorced.

Last I heard they were back together.

― Greta Van Show Feets BB (milo z), Friday, 3 January 2020 00:53 (five years ago)

barbacking a couple of nights a week

you best believe i read this three times

― Banáná hÉireann (darraghmac), Friday, 3 January 2020 00:56 (five years ago)

anyway, if everyone knows, then sure nath

if someone doesnt, eh its shitty imo but lifes complicated right

― Banáná hÉireann (darraghmac), Friday, 3 January 2020 00:57 (five years ago)

xp I was young but thankfully not that dumb.

― Greta Van Show Feets BB (milo z), Friday, 3 January 2020 00:59 (five years ago)

Xpost setting rules. just so i know what i’m getting myself into. fuck it, i need some fun. after these horrible two years, i need a break. don’t need a relationship, just some fun. we’ll see how it goes.

― nathom, Friday, 3 January 2020 23:12 (five years ago)

yeah, what's more fun than traveling several hours

― j., Saturday, 4 January 2020 01:33 (five years ago)

If it’s on a train, then nothing.

― Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby), Saturday, 4 January 2020 01:37 (five years ago)

Love train journeys tbh.

― Frozen Mug (Tom D.), Saturday, 4 January 2020 01:38 (five years ago)

nath is there any chance you could bang on the train

― j., Saturday, 4 January 2020 01:57 (five years ago)

coupling

― Banáná hÉireann (darraghmac), Saturday, 4 January 2020 01:58 (five years ago)

I recommend this until the exact moment that either party starts to feel any level of emotional attachment toward the other. Once that happens, sever contact immediately.

― kelis navidad (flamboyant goon tie included), Saturday, 4 January 2020 02:50 (five years ago)

nath is there any chance you could bang on the train

I vaguely remember doing that already. Lol.

Yeah, once I fall for him, then it’s/shld be over.

Honestly more a post divorce romp for me tbh.

― nathom, Saturday, 4 January 2020 03:06 (five years ago)

shouldn't this be on 77 though

― StanM, Saturday, 4 January 2020 03:27 (five years ago)

since apparently no one's gonna straight-out say it: we all want you to get laid -- but maybe first make sure you're not fucking up someone's family

― mookieproof, Saturday, 4 January 2020 03:34 (five years ago)

the other man/woman is the same category of person as bad tippers

― the girl from spirea x (f. hazel), Saturday, 4 January 2020 03:53 (five years ago)

In contrast, the married men I’ve slept with have been very generous with their tips

― kelis navidad (flamboyant goon tie included), Saturday, 4 January 2020 04:16 (five years ago)

To insure promptness, indeed.

― Ned Raggett, Saturday, 4 January 2020 04:20 (five years ago)

thought i said it, tbh mookie

― Banáná hÉireann (darraghmac), Saturday, 4 January 2020 06:29 (five years ago)

I was the other man once, maybe twice; I don't remember

― Sassy Boutonnière (ledriver), Saturday, 4 January 2020 06:31 (five years ago)

xp a bit too circumspect imo

life is indeed complicated tho

― mookieproof, Saturday, 4 January 2020 06:48 (five years ago)

Mookieproof for sure.

― nathom, Saturday, 4 January 2020 07:40 (five years ago)

whoever you hook up with right out of a long term relationship -- it's gonna be a mix of exciting and awkwardness and you will probably end up feeling like garbage. Idk whether it's better for it to be in this more garbage-feeling-prone context of the person being married/in a relationship -- like just go balls deep for potential garbage feelings? ... Anyway, you can always make a thread about it, create a throwaway gmail account to create a sock account to start the thread ... ah memories!

― sarahell, Saturday, 4 January 2020 22:28 (five years ago)

“Just go balls deep for potential garbage feelings” yup

― calstars, Saturday, 4 January 2020 22:34 (five years ago)

having a sure sense of self and an emotional support system is key, so you don’t fill up with resentment toward the public facing relationship and its attendant gestures of affection/appreciation

but i mostly advise against this tbh

― maura, Sunday, 5 January 2020 03:18 (five years ago)

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