assertiveness

i should add that at certain times in the past, i was assertive and it backfired bigtime. and i always remember that when i'm faced with a situation where i have to decide whether to articulate that there's something on my mind.

I would say focus on getting the goal accomplished. You can still be polite, if that's your nature.

I'm like this to the point where I actively avoid positions of responsibility - my rationale is that I don't want to get into an argument with somebody just because they can't manage themselves. But sometimes I've been in jobs where I've had to tell people what they need to do. Assertiveness is totally compatible with being calm and polite, right? It's a question of calmly explaining the consequences of not meeting the required goals, and being able to follow-up those consequences if need be. Altho that also means you need supportive managers above you and consistency throughout yr workplace, which aren't exactly common in my experience.

I used to be so completely unassertive that I wouldn't even speak up if someone gave me back the wrong change. I've changed quite a lot. I've had some trouble lately with being too assertive.

I find if you don't let those feelings out they go in and fuck with your head. I'm trying to be more assertive. Its definitely worth doing it the way the books say, rather than just saying nothing and then it all being too much and getting shouty.

Shut the fuck up Ian you pussy!

(Like that, you mean?)

Well, I don't shout that very often. Perhaps I should. It might scare people into doing what I wanted. If assertiveness fails, try straight out anti-social behaviour.

Nah, I wouldn't, it didn't work for me.

I've had problems at work with this too--being put in charge of a group of not very reliable types. First I didn't want the stress & let everyone do their thing, which ended in chaos & more stress & passive aggressiveness on my part. Then I started to calmly lay down the law-- "This kind of thing is not going to happen anymore." But that didn't work with some of the employees & I ended up having to talk to them frequently about their poor performances--which led to open hostility against me. One guy, who was black, went to my boss claiming that I was a racist because I criticized him & supposedly let another guy (who's also black BTW) get away with murder. My boss kind of laughed at him and then fired him--so things have gotten better.

I guess the moral here is--you have to become an asshole or get out of the game. And also the WTF Race Card doesn't really help you.

Assertiveness only works out correctly for me when I am concious of the authority of my position. That way, when I get pushed back, I am able to stay firm. If you are prone to doubt yourself, or lack the skills to express yourself clearly and forthrightly, or don't understand the importance of what you are trying to do, then trying to be more assertive is just going to land you in the same old discomforts every time someone disputes your authority.

Merely on holding a position in a heirarchy and asserting your will upon others is a crap basis for authority. If you really want to assert your authority, base it on thinking things out clearly, making good choices, and taing responsibility for their outcome. Then you can dig your toes into something tangible and hold your ground.

Merely on holding...

I am worried about not being assertive enough this year, not in an authority position but in making opportunities instead of waiting for them to come to me. I am going to be all on my own, but assertiveness is not second nature!

I'd like to be like that scene in Dead like me where they guy is all "hey lady, you think this woman behind you is an asshole?" "Excuse me?" "You heard me, is she an asshole?" "Why no... I..." "Well when you skip in line like that, that's what you treat her and everyone else here like, an asshole"

Or something.

I'd like to be like that scene in Dead like me where they guy is all "hey lady, you think this woman behind you is an asshole?" "Excuse me?" "You heard me, is she an asshole?" "Why no... I..." "Well when you skip in line like that, that's what you treat her and everyone else here like, an asshole"

1. You've gotta choose yr battles wisely. Don't waste good energy trying to get yr Whopper Jr. and fries 2 minutes sooner.

2. Don't overdo it. Assertive != angry. Calling down the nukes almost always backfires if you plan to be around the recipients for any period of time afterward. Uncontrolled anger dissipates respect, and respect is an incredibly powerful tool.

3. Know what yr scope of power is. There are some ends you cannot accomplish, no matter how assertive you are.

Perhaps these are kinda obvious principles, but there are an awful lotta folks out there who don't believe that a single one is correct.

Yeah I've tried hard to find that line between assertive and angry. Its finer than it seems, and especially for women. Its hard for us to stand our ground at all without being labelled a hardass bitch or a complainer sometimes.

Oh I wouldn't shout at staff in a restaurant or shop or something, that's foul behaviour. I just mean I'd like to be able to call people who are acting the prick instead of feeling pissy about it afterwards.

I meant call people out.

be assertive! it's sexy

Most of the people that tell me I need to become more assertive would probably make my life hell if I actually did.

fuck assertiveness - unless you are really in a jam its over-rated!!

I'd like to be like that scene in Dead like me where they guy is all "hey lady, you think this woman behind you is an asshole?" "Excuse me?" "You heard me, is she an asshole?" "Why no... I..." "Well when you skip in line like that, that's what you treat her and everyone else here like, an asshole"

Or something.

that's being agressive, isn't it?

Being assertive often comes down to speaking in simple, declarative sentences. Especially when staying silence would end up making a concession you'll regret later.

xp yes. Being assertive is simply saying "Excuse me, the line starts back there."

why not say nothign but get uncomfortably close to them and breathe on them?

Jimmy savile was an assertive man

"ownership" does not mean SHIT!!!