Nee-Naw Nee-Naw Nee-Naw (a.k.a The Police - Why Are They So Bad and Hated?)

These comments were taken from the transcripts of police car videos around the country:

1 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6 "You don't know how fast you were going? Oh good, that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket"

7 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8 "Warning? You want a warning?? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again, or I'll give you another ticket."

9 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat candyfloss and step in dog shit"

11 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster."

12 "In God we trust, all others we run through PNC."

13 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

14 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we possibly can."

15 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief Superintendent is a personal friend of yours. You'll know someone who can post your bail then, won't you?"

16 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Wouldn't you rather sit on your arse all day looking for CCTV footage of young women in short skirts and low cut tops AND GET PAID than some other option that involves criminals and guns and getting shot at and danger and exactly the same pay as the CCTV skirt thing?

(lol @ those comments)

The last two police receptionists I've spoken to have been super nice.

Nice but useless

16 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

man, i'd hate to be zinged by a copper!

i've had to deal with the met a couple of times in the last couple of years and found them to be friendly, helpful, efficient and informative. i suspect i may have just struck it lucky though.

Did they solve a crime?

According to sources, and I quote:

The Police have an official "acronym database" of terms, containing such things as

ANPR - Automatic Number Plate Reader

BTP - British Transport Police

CID - Criminal Investigation Department

NCIS - National Criminal Intelligence Service

.... you know, the helpful stuff which a new probationer or a non-police person might find useful to know when watching the latest edition of The Bill.

The story goes that a person from a certain police force (not named) saw the acronym database and thought it would be useful information for members of the local Independent Advisory Group (no, I don’t know what they do either but it’s something to do with respected members of the community getting involved in police meetings, or something).

Unfortunately, said officer didn’t actually read the whole thing before they transmitted it to all the fine upstanding members of their community. I can imagine he or she will be suffering some, er, embarassment at discovering, after circulating it, that it contains such gems as:

GATSO - Gobby And Totally Stupid Officer

LoB - Load of Bollocks

NFI - Not Fucking Interested

FSQ - Fucking Silly Question

Oops….

They weren't useless per se. As receptionists they seemed to be doing their jobs well enough. I wasn't expecting THEM to catch the crimesters themselves (and in both cases this was pretty much impossible anyway).

<i>in both cases this was pretty much impossible anyway</i>

i think this is probably the point Tom is trying to make...

we've been broken into twice in the last six months, the second time over a bank holiday weekend, which meant it took THREE DAYS for anyone to come round cos they can't afford to pay the overtime to have the dedicated burglary team on over bank holidays...

...we have heard nothing back from either of these break-ins, not even a token "we have made no progress" letter...

This is less an attack on the police - who I accept are useless - than on people who say "You say you hate them but JUST WAIT TILL YOU NEED THEM".

i think this is probably the point Tom is trying to make...

people hate the police because some thieves are impossible to catch?

No, because the police don't even bother trying for the most part

and they are mostly twats

You'd think they would bother trying, too, what with them having to rack up sufficient points for detections etc every month or else they get into trouble for failing to meet targets.

No, because the police don't even bother trying for the most part

why waste time and resources on the impossible to catch?

they are better at catching criminals BEFORE they act e.g. terror plot suspects.

haha keep me the fuck away from this thread

Years back I once called the police because some friends and I witnessed a kid trying to set a pub on fire (and briefly succeeding but the line of petrol he'd lined the entrance with blew out after a few seconds). Anyway they rung me back a week or two later to ask if I would be willing to ID if required - tho he already seemed to think he knew who did it and that it wouldn't be required. Never heard anything after that tho.

why waste time and resources on the impossible to catch?

Ok, right, so that guy who assaulted me in a pub in Camden, they couldn't catch him, tho they had him in the back of a police van?

when/why/how did they have him in the back of a police van?

Because they caught him outside the pub.

The only times I've had to deal with the police was due to my own drunken stupidity (e.g. going for a piss in an alley in zero tolerance part of Soho) and they were OK.

I remember years ago a whole bunch of us went to Reading police station to protest the innocence of a mate of ours who was taken in for questioning for committing the crime of being black a few streets away from a burglary. That's about it.

Heard plenty of horror stories from others though.

my experience with po means that i generally assume now that they're all twats until proven otherwise, even though i have generally met more good apples than bad

when a friend of mine in chi got nicked for an open container, the bicycle cops that did him actually threatened to have him sent to cook co. lock-up. instead of, you know, just confiscating the booze and giving him a ticket. then dude actually paced back in forth in front of us, holding forth on how equanimous he was, letting my pal go and all, and how stupid and foolish we were to have an opened (but unsampled!) flask of bourbon on the mean streets of downtown chicago.

Because they caught him outside the pub.

Actually, the bouncers caught him outside the pub, let's not give the rozzers credit where none's due