Hey You Getting Married Types. You're not DEFINED by getting married y'know

going on their wedding webpage etc

link?

Then that would give her rant possible exposure.

http://www.wondermark.com/comics/270.gif

That is rubbish. Many people go temporarily insane before their wedding, so I'd cut them some slack too if you've otherwise always liked these people. But OTOH the whole "not showing enough interest in the wedding" thing sounds MASSIVELY narcissistic of them

You sound like an awesome friend.

I got a lot of flack for missing my wife's friend's wedding so I could play a show. But a prior booking is a prior booking, and the wedding couple didn't give much notice.

How was the list ridiculous? LINK TO PRESIE LIST.

What does any of this have to do with being "defined" by getting married?

life is rough

you know those getting married types. the ones that are always getting married n shit. they so crazy!

But if you hate weddings, isn't not getting invited to them kind of a good thing?

xxxpost
haterade. . .

Yes that statment about not being interested enough sounds very dickish. But Nobody's did you give any inklings of the feelings you expressed here to the couple to perhaps prompt such a response? Or have they just always been dicks?

In general, a good friend should give people some slack for the temporary insanity caused by major life changes - marriage, divorce, birth of children, death of family, etc. If they are good friends in return when it's over they'll appreciate you that much more and be willing to reciprocate when it's your turn to be insane.

I was only engaged for 6 months but they were the most stressful six months of my life and I was so relieved once the wedding was over. My two closest friends are currently engaged and I am so sick of hearing about weddings. I can't wait until they're both married just so we can go back to talking about normal stuff again. Unfortunately, that'll be a year from now. Boo.

I mean, you're hostile to wedding crap -- presumably they can till this, and decide it's better not to bother you with it.

This wouldn't necessarily be the end of the friendship, except that it's a safe bet that someone who's hostile to your wedding crap will probably be hostile to your home-buying crap, your home-decorating crap, your baby-having crap, etc., until maybe you can be friends again once your spouse has died and you're just hostile old people hanging out, like in the old days.

There's always a lot of information missing in these "hey, take my side!" posts, so it's hard to give a fair opinion.

Wanted to add that I do listen and am genuinely interested in what they're up to but it'll just be nice to not have to talk about this anymore. It does seem like the whole planning phase can really consume some people.

When we were buying a house I was so sick of talking about houses. And I was part of the process!

To be honest though I'm pretty conversationally uninterested in hearing about people's attempts to develop their own lives. I know it's wrong of me, and conversations like this are actually a good way to accumulate information about how people do things in life, but good god: I hope people don't really imagine full reports on this stuff are any more interesting than, say, full reports on what they did at work that week.

xpost

x-post EXACTLY! I can't imagine having a long engagement because after so six months of answering the same questions and having the same conversation over and over again, I was ready to scream. I don't think I could have handled any longer.

Also to Nobodysprawn - I agree it's hard to take sides but totally understand where you're coming from in general. This shit can take over people's lives.

Excitedly talking about your wedding is exactly as engaging as dolorously talking about your problems.

Engagement rivals chicken pox in the category of things I just wanted to fucking get over with.

xpost Which is to say, your best friends care. No one else does.

If you want to talk about your wedding plans, talk about the catering.

I have no problem accepting that planning a wedding is pretty consuming. However, not hanging out after things have died down would be kind of lame.

So would it be totally guyish of me to say I'm alternately eye-rolly and repulsed at the level of attention and effort that goes into modern weddings? Cause I suspect there's not so much of a gender split on that anymore, and some percentage of everyone is freaked out by it.

Nobodysprawn should marry The Twisted Pollstarter.

It's pathetic, actually, this interest in weddings, and the problem I see with it is that everyone is doing it, regardless of income level. We had our wedding at a courthouse with one witness, simply because we had one kid and another on the way, and wanted to put our money to maxing our IRA contribution that year. I know my saying that is making your eyes roll into the back of your head, but it should be the thought process for the majority of people before they even consider a wedding IMO.

So would it be totally guyish of me to say I'm alternately eye-rolly and repulsed at the level of attention and effort that goes into modern weddings?

Only if I'm a guy.

I usually get friend-dumped around the time that the boyfriend appears on the scene, so by the wedding I've long since lost track, and therefore don't have to even hear about it, let alone go.

So would it be totally guyish of me to say I'm alternately eye-rolly and repulsed at the level of attention and effort that goes into modern weddings?

What do you mean by "modern weddings"? Are you talking about the ones they talk about like in Modern Bride and other nutjob magazines? Because most people don't have those kinds of weddings. But even having a "normal" wedding takes a fair amount of attention and effort, because you're basically throwing a party for 100+ people.

I'm just taking offense to this because we totally had a normal, reasonable wedding, as anyone who came to it could tell you, but it still took like a year of planning and a fair chunk of change to pull off.

Well, I'm not really taking offense.

I'm being defensive.

One of the ironies, I found, was that by trying to do our wedding in a way that avoided what we saw as typical wedding ridiculousness we wound up probably putting in just as much effort. Trying to keep to a budget that's less than 50% of the average, for example, leads to a lot more legwork and a lot more tinkering with spreadsheets. Having your friend take the photos and your local favorite eatery cater is fun, but it means a lot more coordination is required.

My first wedding was pretty non-consuming largely b/c I was out of the country until a week before the event. I'm sure my mother's and grandmother's friends were sick of hearing about it though.

I wouldn't do a big to-do for a wedding again. Low-key is the new black folx.

fwiw I went to a cool wedding recently. It certainly wasn't Bridezilla but I'm sure cost a lot. A lot of thought went into it, it fit the couple perfectly and it was altogher an awesome event.

I kind of feel the same way, N. A friend of mine has been complaining for months about how her hair is so long and how she really wants to get to cut. When I ask why she doesn't, she says she has to keep it for the wedding (in September). She also had a recent appointment with a makeup consultant for the wedding day. I should say that she's not someone who lives extravagantly at all, but she gets really into planning things.

Nick and Sarah sort of set the model for a good wedding in my mind with their small-scale affair. Half the shit that people obsess about w/r/t their wedding nobody even notices, anyway.

(xposts: I wrote that before n/a posted!)

I never get tired of talking about buying houses.

Low-key is the new black folx

Comma required here or no?

I totally feel you, n/a. I've gotten into lots of annoying arguments with people about this, including my own sister-in-law. People who haven't gone through it sometimes just don't understand.

I mean sure there's always the judge route, but saying "I just want a pleasant, meaningful celebration with my family and close friends" turns out to be a lot more work than it sounds.

Somehow I had either missed n/a and Sarah's marriage or knew it and it shamefully slipped my mind. So either way, belated congratulations! (And hurrah for low key though most of the weddings I've ended have been splashy affairs.)

still so glad I eloped.

a tiny part of me is jealous of the fun of a tom-and-ally style bash, but I am far too cheap and lazy to make that happen.

I like going to weddings, but I would never want to plan another one. (And really, my mother did a lot of the work.)

But yeah, it is a very stressful event and trying to take on more of the workload yourself and keep $$$ down would be difficult.

My cousin just got married last week. This was her second wedding, and it was huge - seven bridesmaids, long service, etc. I can't imagine going through that process TWICE.

I wish we had eloped to Las Vegas and married in front of priest dressed in Elvis attire.

The amount of stress and thought that go into a wedding aren't really apparent until you start planning one, because you've never had to deal with the WEDDING INDUSTRY, which simultaneously amps up the pressure by emphasizing over and over what an important day it is and how it has to be perfect, while also charging 3 to 4 times as much for every service just because it has the word "wedding" in it.

n/a k-otm

Basically, wedding industry = evil.

thanks, Ned

most of the weddings I've ended have been splashy affairs.

I have to be misreading this!

novemberrain.mpg

WHY DOES LOW-KEY NEVER WANT TO ROCK?

actually I don't think anyone has ever talked to me about their impending wedding. is this because my friends are guys? because they know better? because I black out in a murderous rage? not sure!

and humid! but, i can vouch for the AC at the historical society. regardless, summers in buffalo are A++.

they are!

ha ha ha tehresa - my sister is conservative and she married into a huge, conservative Catholic family. The stripper was the date of one of the black sheep family members.

But yeah, middle sister bridesmaid = a role made for excitement and trouble

(Pregnant older sister/matron of honor = kind of a dull job)

haha wedding madness now spreading to other family members! i just got an e-mail from my cousin:

Dear T,

I know you’re all wedding’d out, but check this out: http://www.xquisiteeventsfl.com/ -- if you click on the wedding section, there’s an amazing bouquet and also a great shot of I think the Biltmore up in NC….

I was an attendant at my Native American cousins wedding - in a long house. The best thing - it's traditional, in Native American culture - to give. So we had all this stuff to give. I handed a child a gift, and her mother said "We can't take it!" I asked why. She said it was because there was supposed to be a performance!
They actually went to the wedding, thinking it was a Native American performance (which it was, but...)
Fortunately, in the Shoshone/Bannock mythology - belief system -religion - it is good luck to have a stranger at the wedding.
Seahdom, my cousin, wore a deerskin wedding dress that was the only thing her Shoshone grandmother was able to save when the tribe was burned off of the land.
The marriage, alas, did not last.
"We thought it was a performance!"
that's a wedding crasher story, huh?

I don't get big trad weddings at all. Sorry to wade in late (stupid time zone) but I'm with MissM, if I'm gettin' married its all about what me and the guy want, and fuck everyone else.

I dont think I'll ever bother getting married though. The idea seems all a bit much, and plus who'd want me anwyay ;_;

fucking everyone else? you mongrels have weird weddings

Hey, spread the love, I say.

;)

i went to a wedding once where at a predetermined point everyone was supposed to follow the bride and groom up some hill; trailing behind them was a guitar player, singing a song, about them i guess. it was kind of indie rock, kind of jonathan richman. i hated it. it ended up being fun, though. weddings are always fun at some point.

Yeah when the booze kicks in and everyone and their granny starts dancing to AC/DC.

one of the saddest company-wide CC'ed e-mails i've ever read was from this girl I sort of knew who called off her wedding (dude split on her) and she was offering up a $10K rental of some jersey reception hall for like $2K or something. felt terrible for her.

sometimes i be like... DAMN!

another good reason to elope, though! if he splits, you can still take a trip w/ a friend and get drunk!

TS discounted reception hall vs. pawn shop wedding ring?

does said pawn shop wedding ring have an inscription to someone else inside?

I can't imagine how incredibly horrible it must feel having someone bail on you just before a wedding. I was dumped after I got engaged and that was bad enough; it was embarrasing having to tell people I wasn't getting married anymore, and I was all "should I give back engagement presents?" luckily I hadn't been given many. God it was so awkward and unpleasant.

xposting all the way back to the thread title...

Hey You Getting Married Types. You're not DEFINED by getting married y'know

Despite the suggestion that this situation was "temporary madness," I can't help if these are people who actually will define themselves by being married, and what you're suffering through over the ceremony is just a more extreme version of how they'll relate to you from now on.

(geez this question touched a nerve! I haven't seen this much activity on a normal ILE question in months)

xpost to Trayce - yes, that would suck, but on the other hand, is it maybe better to go through that than to get married to the the person who didn't actually want to marry you? (Not saying any of these are great options, mind)

mitya - kind of otm. as far as my sister's concerned, getting married is just the first step on her path to becoming the best soccer mom she can be. in fact, her matron of honor is some girl i have never even heard of much less met. the maid of honor also has no idea who this chick is. we finally realized that the matron and her husband represent who my sister wants to be - happily married vegan couple with cute new baby. in fact, they will even share an anniversary (i *hope* that was a coincidence!). my sister barely ever talked to me prior to the beginning of wedding planning, now we talk all the time, but never about anything deeper than china patterns and flowers. i am glad that i get to see and talk to her more often, but if, after the wedding, the conversation moves on only to puppies, babies and houses without so much as a 'hey, how is your life going?' i don't know that our contact will remain as frequent.

that is to say, i am very happy for her and her fiancé and am thrilled to share in the celebration of their love, but you only get *so* long to have a one-track mind, right?

What the hell, ANY party for 100+ people would be a planning nightmare, esp in an era when there is not a lady of the house + her staff to get everything ready, sew new wardrobes, clean, decorate, make food, serve food, clean up; a string quartet for the dancing; a ballroom for the dancing -- this is why party planners exist! And seamstresses, and banquet halls, and godawful DJs, and so on. Whoever said the thing about wife's mother being an accountant and not a seamstress was OTM.

And there is every chance that X percentage of people who throw massive weddings want that for THEMSELVES, not just their parents or mothers or in-laws or whatever. Now, whether people want the bells and whistles for what you and I might consider defensible reasons is endlessly debatable (FUCK U REDDING INDUSTRY) but whatevs, those people are not my problem. Happily!

Hm that said my sister's redding was modest by industry standards, actually (altho not by, say, hippie standards), and happened in the country where you'd think things were cheap, and still cost abt 15K. Which I thought was retardo but on the other hand there was nothing extravagant that stood out that could have been easily excised from the planning, either. And we did a lot ourselves. I suppose 150 people simply cost a lot to feed & seat.

Wd also like to note that 150 peeps was not including every second cousin and distant relation -- in fact not one single person from my dad's family came -- but my mom is one of 5 kids and the groom's mom is one of like 8 kids and even basic aunts and cousins add up. So in closing there can be LOTS of reasons for things.

friends of my parents' daughter who are v. wealthy threw her a 100k wedding and i suspect that most of that was to say 'look how much money we have' (they also did ridiculously extravagant bar and bat mitzvahs for all three of their children). the wife has even gone so far as to buy half the place settings of my sister's china already. the husband flew them up to the shower in his plane. even though sister's ~30k (i'm guessing) wedding is way crazy, thinking about those people puts it in perspective (though i'm sure the wife did have a planner and many many ppl to do her bidding for her while she simply delegated).

yeah this 175 list is mostly mom's family (she is 1 of 6 kids, etc.). groom's immediate family is a little psychotic and he is having some relatives, but not v. many. probably 20 are actually their friends.

i went to a wedding once where at a predetermined point everyone was supposed to follow the bride and groom up some hill; trailing behind them was a guitar player, singing a song, about them i guess.

what the shit

I suppose 150 people simply cost a lot to feed & seat.

THIS IS SO SO SO SO SO TRUE. Our meal alone was $55/person, which was a huge deal given that we were in the Theatre District of Boston across the street from The Wang Center (actually we wanted to have the reception there because HEY, WANG CENTER, but that would have been something like $125/person). We had 175 confirmed guests.

Yes, that math is what we call "totally sucky", especially when you are paying for 80% of that by yourself with no savings. This did not include the free-to-guests beer & wine, church, pastor, flowers, dress, wedding party favors, invitations, etc etc etc god and I am still paying it off, argh.

let's face it, the only good thing about weddings is dan perry in a rocking ensemble.

AND BOOZE

I suppose 150 people simply cost a lot to feed & seat

Very very true. Two of my friends getting married next year are having their weddings at AMAZING locations and saving $$ by having cocktail receptions instead of a full dinner. There will still be plenty of food and they get to have their ideal venues.

Dan, I feel for you - it's so expensive. We were really lucky in that our parents paid for 80% of ours. If had been left up to us we'd probably have had to have the reception at Charlie's Kitchen.

xxpost

Basically our formula for keeping it cheap went like this:

- self-designed invitations
- food from awesome local Turkish eatery where we were regular customers (and that doesn't usually cater big events)
- separate vendors for tableware (very minimal) and servers, allowing us to shop around for cheapest price
- venue for a song -- a botanical garden at our school rented at alumni price
- beer & wine only
- minimal flowers since we were in a fucking garden
- minimal other decorations (just some paper lanterns and string lights to make the pavilion look less like a picnic area)
- friend's band for cheap
- dad was the rabbi
- friend (a pro) did photography for cheap and we printed the shots ourselves at target
- we both have small families, so having 100 people meant pretty much everyone we wanted

All of this involved shitloads of legwork though - coordinating, shopping around etc. I mean I drove to showrooms in bizarre, hidden parts of NJ, by myself, to compare and photograph tablecloths. And we planned the whole thing in under 6 months.

And we still had to hire someone to manage the whole thing on the day of - with set-up, vendors coming and going, etc.

"Invitations"? Why, does someone I know not have email?

http://img228.imageshack.us/img228/8264/beefmw4.gif

- minimal flowers since we were in a fucking garden

some friends of mine watching costs put on a beautiful wedding in a west village flower shop, they actually rented the (admittedly upscale) store for cheap during its closing hours. amazing floral arrangements everywhere.

That's brilliant.

Yeah my brother got lucky too, he had his wedding in a big cathedral in Canberra, thathappened to be during Canberra's Floriade festival. And that church happened to have a massive feckoff flower display inside it that they allowed to stay during bro's wedding.

$55 a person? oh i weep for such prices.

signed,
my avoidant personality is really not helping me get my wedding planned in the next year or so

i should just elope but the one thing that makes me really excited is having a party and having a bunch of my friends there, and my family

Our secret to cutting reception costs was to get a coordinator who was vice-president of a wedding coordinators' association and could use her connections and promises of using venues for industry conventions/meetings to get us discounts, ergo we got a (then) 4-star hotel for budget prices!

people without kids have no real understanding about what having kids is really like.

Seeing my friends and my sister have em, I think I have a fairly good idea, ie something I would never fucking do in a million years even if I was straight.

if anything, couples with children try harder to make efforts to see or hang out with childless friends.

Wait a sec -- which planet? Unless you mean hang out w/ childless couples?

i should just elope but the one thing that makes me really excited is having a party and having a bunch of my friends there, and my family

Why not elope and then just have a separate party later? (I think that's what Teeny did.)

Duh, because a party for 100 people is STILL A PAIN IN THE ASS. :)

yes, but that way, you do eliminate the aforementioned problems of family meddling

think of it... you're married, then later you have a big-ass party with wall-to-wall cocaine and strippers.

Ok, maybe not that.

"Invitations"? Why, does someone I know not have email?

Ha, the only reason anyone I know has my address is if they've sent me a wedding invitation. I think it's kind of cute how people I know who are engaged will send me an e-mail and just say, "Can I have your mailing address?" -- as if I don't know what it's for.

wall-to-wall cocaine and strippers.

That's for the bachelor/ette party.

i am already tired of being single among couples-only friends, i cant imagine what happens when they all get married and shit. actually, i have one married couple friend and they are usually pretty fun. but now they got a dog and i will probably never see them outside of their house again.

I wish some of my friends wouldn't presume my wedding preparations were 'consuming me'. They're not! CALL ME! CHAT ABOUT THINGS THAT AREN'T MY WEDDING! IT'S FINE! I WANT TO KEEP UP WITH THE REAL WORLD FANKS! I dunno, praps people think I'm ugly so presume I'm spending all this time on beauty treatments.

I will never get a dog.

maybe some of us have tried to call and chat about things that aren't wedding-related but <you> keep turning the conversation back to china and flowers, etc.!!!

catfight, awesome

Nah. I promise, I'm more sick of the topic than anyone else. It's all just admin. Admin is boring! But getting married is nice. Perhaps we should have just done a registry office thing with just the two of us and a witness.