end movies quicker

after hours - the guy doesn't put his money in the cradle

gandalf flies to mordor on a eagle's back, melts ring. the end.

transformers: race of interstellar, unstoppable giant robots lays waste to earth in approximately 25 minutes

It's this kinda stuff that failed to 'save' I Love Film, huh?

bascially they need to crack down on directors knocking dirt from their spikes and readjusting the velcro on their gloves between every at-bat

die hard - the guy doesn't make fists w/ his toes

Jumanji - they get sucked into the game and were never seen again. The end.

every action movie ever- they shoot the good guy when they have the chance. right in the head.

pirates of the caribbean II - jack has duel on top of rolling waterwheel, loses; dejected crew opens first-ever theme park

star wars - the imperial officer shoots the escape pod anyway. the end.

blade runner - LAPD checks the calendar, notes the escaped replicants only have about a week left, send deckard out for donuts. the end.

28 Weeks Later - two kids to try leave a quarantined area to explore the formerly zombie-infested London, but they're stopped by guards.

wizard of oz - tornado kills

Sleeper: Woody Allen wakes in 2173, immediately suffocates on vastly increased level of CO2 in atmosphere, expires.

H2G2: Ford Prefect held up by roadworks on A403, Vogons destroy Earth.

tron - Flynn spams ENCOM employees with mail advertising free tokens at his arcade if they click on a link. master control pwn3d by dumb users.

the departed - costigan decides not to take the job.

crank - they shoot him in his sleep

Knocked Up - horrified at waking up with Seth Rogen, she stops by Planned Parenthood and takes a morning-after pill before work

final destination - no premonition

Dude I spent the ENTIRETY of 28 Weeks Later doing this. "They're on the bridge! They're sneaking out! You have them in your sights! Just shoot the little fuckers!" I'm still baffled that critics tried to call this some sort of commentary on the folly of American military power: the only moral, in the end, was that if you don't want zombies to take over the whole of Eurasia, you should follow orders, shoot kids when you have the chance, and abandon your family as much as possible. The fucking military system would have worked fine if certain assholes weren't all "no, I'm not gonna shoot a kid."

butterfly effect - he commits suicide in the womb/nver makes friend with lady (WHICH IS WHAT HAPPENS AT THE END OF THE FILM WTF)

steel magnolias - they get shot in their sleep

(nb, this one works on lots of films)

Dumb and Dumber - they get shot in their sleep.

You're right!

INLAND EMPIRE - laura dern turns down the film

Talladega Nights - A man driving his pregnant wife to the hospital comes to a sudden halt, forcing the baby through the birth canal, crushing the infant's skull on impact with the car floor.

Glengarry Glen Ross - Alec Baldwin jovially hands out the new leads; Everyone has a record sales month and celebrates w/ karaoke night.

To The Ends Of The Earth - the boat sinks.

Mutiny On The Bounty - the boat sinks.

Is this the "they get shot in their sleep" for nautical films?

24 hour party people - tony wilson doesn't sign joy division

O Brother Where Art Thou? - Clooney, Turturro and Blake-Nelson are shot and killed attempting to escape the chain gang.

Cool Hand Luke - Newman is shot and killed attempting to escape the chain gang.

Life - Murphy and Lawerence are shot and killed attempting to escape the chain gang.

mine are morbid, sorry :(

back to the future - the libyans aim better

The Hunt for Red October -- Tim Curry immediately ascertains the truth and poisons Sean Connery so he can have the most absurd accent.

wargames - david gets hott girlfriend, does teh sex, computer gathers dust

ET - captured by the government. disected.

shrek- princess does not fall in love with ugly fat scottish ogre.

Revenge of the Nerds - All the nerds are given growth hormones during puberty, turning them into jocks who are all welcomed into the Alpha Betas. Dean Ulich is still an asshole.

Donnie Darko - fucker doesn't sleepwalk or time travel or anything stupid like that. Gets killed in crash. Oh wait, isn't that how it did go anyway? I'm confused. THE BOAT SINKS. the end.

Princess Bride - Fred Savage seriously doesn't want to hear about that kissing bullshit. Alternately, fever increases and is rushed to the hospital, no family allowed.

aliens - they nuke the planet from orbit when they arrive. (see "shoot them in their sleep')

goodfellas - "As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a grocer"

The Breakfast Club - The school principal delegates suspension supervision duties to an indifferent teacher who really can't be bothered to assign a 1,000 word essay.

The Ring - No one has VCRs anymore so they can't watch the tape. Everyone watches DVDs happily ever after.

jurassic park- samuel l jackson pwns t-rex.

Close Encounters: Alien craft revealed to be elaborate hoax advertising new talk radio jingle.

batman begin - young bruce wayne and his parents stay in and watch a video.

The Seventh Seal - Death doesn't care much for chess.

hamlet - he kills his uncle. quicker.

Babel: Three groups of people in three different countries don't pointlessly endanger themselves and others.

Cry Freedom, Last King Of Scotland, The Killing Fields, Beyond Rangoon, etc, etc, etc: Whitey gets the fuck out of Dodge.

In the Mood For Love: They do it.

The Killer: Danny Lee and Chow Yun Fat fire at the same time and kill each other.

Spartacus: "<i>He's</i> Spartacus!"

Weekend at Bernie's: Bernie kills Larry and Richard, disposes of the bodies, holds an orgy

Face/Off -- bodies reject transplanted faces, die of sepsis

Showgirls: Nomi fails to hitch a ride to Vegas, opens up coffee shop, becomes smalltown matriarch played by Meryl Streep.

Maverick flies into jet wash for the second time, and sadly crashes again.

Passion Of The Christ: Jesus decides he could do more good alive, using his superpowers to kick Roman ass.

Apocalypse Now: USAF triangulates in on Kurtz's location and firebombs everything to cinders.

Annie Hall: Marshall McLuhan sides with the obnoxious guy in line. Alvy skips ride with Annie after tennis.

Death Proof: After a half hour of listening to a group of bar patrons talk about their fondness for '60s hipster arcana, Kurt Russell says "fuck it," picks up a prostitute and crashes his car.

Vanishing Point: Former cop Kowalski pulls over and dutifully accepts a speeding ticket.

Heat: Pacino and De Niro meet up at a diner, drive to Vegas together, get massages, catch Cirque du Soleil, relax.

Superman Returns: Superman realizes he fucked Lois and left for five years without telling her his true identity or why he was leaving, finally grasping that he must not actually love her.

"City Lights": "would you like to buy some flowers" "no, I've got no money, I'm a tramp, as you can see! Oh, sorry, you can't, can you"

"Pandora's Box": "Jesus Christ you're the sketchiest broad I've ever met in my entire life, and who the hell is this little freak? You're packed, GTFO of my apartment, the pair of you"

scooby doo - they accidentally reverse over scrappy doo

Time Bandits - they just give back the damn map.

Kill Bill - Beatrix has a beautiful wedding.

brief encounter - knee-trembler in the toilets. never speak of it again.

A Matter of Life and Death - David Niven survives the drop but drowns in the English Channel

ALL LYNCH SPECIAL:

Eraserhead - the baby is stillborn
Elephant Man - John Merrick rolls over in his sleep, dies, is dissected.
Dune - Paul and Lady Jessica eaten by a sandworm fleeing from the Harkonnens
Blue Velvet - opossum eats ear
Wild At Heart - Sailor crashes the car into a truck while drunk
Fire Walk With Me - Laura decides she should knuckle down and get better grades. Leland sectioned as schizophrenic.
Lost Highway - Rebublican Senator is behind in the polls, moves Fred Madison to the front of the queue in Death Row
Straight Story - lawnmower breaks down, 6 month delivery forecast for the parts. Alvin has a nice cup of tea and a sit down, and decides he never liked his brother that much anyway.
Straight Story (alternative) - Alvin develops Alzheimer's, can't remember who his brother is
Mulholland Drive - someone recognises Camilla and asks for her autograph, relieving her amnesia.
Inland Empire - Laura Dern calls the police to arrest the crazy woman in her house.

Annie Hall: Marshall McLuhan sides with the obnoxious guy in line.
-- Elvis Telecom, Tuesday, 3 July 2007 23:02 (Yesterday) Bookmark Link

This actually did happen didn't it? McLuhan got pissed off because Allen wouldn't let him retake his line or something.

Another one for AH anyway - Alvy stays with Alison Portchnik, has kids, gets some perspective in his life, quits whining...

28 Days Later - Cambridge animal research centre don't cut corners by using a cheap, crap security system.

almost famous - kid decides tommy is rubbish. pursues ornithology as hobby.

one night in paris - police bust the house and put paris back in jail.

fAST AND FURIOUS : Tokyo drift : dude's car sucks and breaks down during race. Doesn't get into all kind of trouble. Keeps being a loser at school.

The Wizard of Oz - Glenda tells Dorothy that her ruby slippers can send her home before sending her a pointlessly dangerous journey.

Jumanji - they get sucked into the game and were never seen again. The end.

The kids find the board game in the attic, laugh about how lame and "really really gay" it looks, sod off and play the Xbox.

same for Goonies and the pirate map. Chunk does the Truffle Shuffle again, roll credits.

Knocked Up - horrified at waking up with Seth Rogen, she stops by Planned Parenthood and takes a morning-after pill before work

-- Jordan, Tuesday, 3 July 2007 16:27 (2 days ago)

Sir, I believe you're looking for the "make movies realistic" thread, five doors down on the left.

True Romance : "First time my ass... you're a fucking prostitute! I have to go to the goddamned clinic now - get the fuck out."

Code 46: Tim Robbins correctly fingers annoying and unattractive Samantha Morton, goes home to wife and kids. Also avoids the tedious belt-you-in-face parallels between reality and movie refugees.

No that first sentence came out wrong.

Bourne drowns.

That saves about 3 minutes - thanks, Kerm!

big lebowski - he pees on the floor

...in the Mediterranean.

manos the hands of fate - they turn around

monster a-go-go - someone appears onscreen and says 'thanks for the money, BYE', the end

Don't get me started.

alec guinness dies of dehydration.

being john malkovich - malkovich gets irreparable brain damage from so many people riding along in his brain, turns into a vegetable

even shorter version of star wars: yoda gets a fucking clue

Fight Club: Ed Norton looks at group photos.

The Shining: Shelley Duvall realizes her husband is FUCKING INSANE well before they arrive at the hotel.

HUEY WINS.

After the death of his mother, a young Henry Jones, Jr. rebels against his father's obsessive scholarly ways, drops out of school and breeds Malamutes until he is murdered by Nazis looking for his father's journal in 1938.