Golden Tee God

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I just got a hole in one on a par four!

What do you think of quiz/games machines in pubs? I think they're great for lunchtime amusement.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

But bad for taking all my money.

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Not as bad as fruit machines, but I don't play them due to their complexity.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Yes they are complicated. I wonder if that manufacturers realise how off-putting this is to newbies. In New Zealand they have these completely skill free electronic games of chance (I can't remember what the name for them is) for idiots that are incredibly popular.

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Quiz machines are FANTASTIC unless you all decide that rather than nominating someone to go to the bar to get a round in you will all plough your hard-earned cash into the quizzer until you have enough to get a round in. Be warned that this approach will leave you very thirsty indeed even if you are a genius. We have won several quid over the years but also lost several more quid. I'm quite fond of the cowboy hangman one.

They are also not fantastic if you are a bit tipsy and feeling like you know it all and keep happily banging the wrong answer button.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Especially if it's a "touch-the-screen" style one. Those weren't designed very well with pubs, and therefore tipsy quizzers, in mind.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Hmmm. Pete is the worst co-quizzer, he INSISTS on only picking Pop Music as a subject then proceeds to get the questions wrong. Plus all my geeky chums totally refuse to pick Sport until the quizzer forces us to. A-Z, Food and Drink and Pot Luck are all good. As is the smug feeling of yelling the RIGHT answer, having the designated answerer choose the WRONG answer and shouting I TOLD YOU IT WAS B.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

very true, I long for the days of DLT's Treble top quizzer, me and my Sixth form mayes used to empty that of twenty quid on a regular basis. I like the golf game that Jonnie speaks of too, but I've never played it, however the concept of high scores and great shots being seen by punters all over the country appeals.

― chris, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

top categories = food & drink (especially on the london underground and pirates chest quizzers), sport is good, as is science and nature based. The music rounds tend to be the hardest as they seem to attract the smart-arses (sorry Pete) and the questions seem harder accordingly.

― chris, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Especially when you get to choose your 3 letter name ! Watch out for shots from YID on your local machines.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I always try to pick Entertainment if possible, rather than Pop (though it is my second favourite). Emma is not to be trusted in what she says above, I have an excellent strike rate on pop questions and I never get film questions wrong.

Sport though. Pah!

― Pete, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

shut it verruca boy!

― chris, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

The worst quiz machine in the world is the one that stole our money because it said that pandas AREN'T bears.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Do ILEers believe me (=truthful & honest as the day is long) or Pete (= well known to be an inveterate FIBBER)?

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

B-but they aren't bears.

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

and he's the sort to get out of PE by felt-tipping verrucas on his feet. No wonder he's rubbish at the sport questions ;-)

― chris, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

oh Nick, what have you done?

There'll be blood spilt at the Village tonight.

― chris, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

You've probably thought of red pandas N. which are just racoons who want to look like Nicole Kidman.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

The best quizzers have flat tops with a little drink-shaped dent to hold your drink. The worst have slopey tops meaning you have to hold your drink which slows you down in your answer-button-bashing vigour.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Pandas aren't bears but they are BARE

A Who Wants To Be A Millionairre quiz machine (which really ought to be called "Who Wants To Win Ten Quid?") once posed the following;

Put these four oven temperatures in order from coldest to hottest

1. Cold 2. Hot 3. Moderate 4. Warm

And I got it wrong. Well, what is Warm, anyway?

I saw a man-formerly-addicted-to-fruit-machines on telly once who reckoned fruit machines are basically okay, even though you never make money in the end, because you're actually paying for the entertainment like you would pay to watch a film.

― Billy, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Emma you are bang on the money there. The London Underground quizzer was a prime offender there.

Destroy all hangman-based quizzers too, they are awful.

― chris, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

FACT: Pandas are fucking bears.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Pervert. Where are you seeing this?

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Maybe you should have complained to the barman/maid? Or even the landlord? Or even written down the name of the quizzer manufacturers and complained to them?

PS To Pete: according to Science Journal Metro, publicans are 3.8 times more likely to die of cirrhosis than the national average. Yikes.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

(have you been at Chris's flatmate's porn collection again?)

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Pandas are not fucking bears, they're bloody racoons.

― RickyT, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

N. I wish you hadn't said that!

Ricky T, please be careful.

― chris, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Red pandas are raccons but pandas , i.e. giant pandas are bears. Please don't get me started on this one.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I have googled pandas and Jonnie is right. I think an ILE petition to MayDay (or whoever) should be started.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Scientists have debated for more than a century whether giant pandas belong to the bear family, the raccoon family, or a separate family of their own. This is because the giant panda and its cousin, the lesser or red panda, share many characteristics with both bears and raccoons, Recent DNA analysis indicates that giant pandas are more closely related to bears and red pandas are more closely related to raccoons.

― chris, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

If I were doing the questions for quizzers I think I would steer well clear of such controversial territory. I know Pete bitterly regrets not checking up on the Pokemon question in last week's SOAS quiz.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

He hasn't bitterly regretted it enough to give us the special prize though.

― RickyT, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I will beat it out of him next time I see him.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

[x] and [y] are difft species = [x] and [y] can have sex but not offspring => pandas are not in the same species even as themselves, let alone bears

― mark s, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Only because red racoons have similar eye marking to pandas so some dullard called them red pandas.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"idiots that are incredibly popular" = who does this remind you of?

― mark s, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

MayDay quiz machines have some howlers in their questions. eg: Which is heavier
a) Gold
b) Potatoes
c) Niether

The answer (apparently) is potatoes.
Also: Which of these is a real Author:
a) JR EWING
b) JR Hartley
c) JR Madeup
Mayday will have you believe that it's b) which any fule knows is the guy from the yellow pages ad. So he's made up then shurely? Grrr... One of them lost me £20 once...

― Simeon, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I think the Pub Mob should march on MayDay HQ and demand refunds.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

NOT TO MENTION the scandalous prize round on a MayGay quizzer where to get your money you had to identify which manufacturer made which quizzers! Hubris as well as ignorance!

― Tom, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Everyone knows that the atomic weight of the element Potato (459) is higher than the atomic weight of Gold (79). So 1 mole of spuds is heavier than 1 mole of pure gold.

The problem with this is that the maths to which has proved the existence of the highly unstable element Potato is as yet imaginary. Chemists have been forced to rely on a young branch of the sciences known as Fat Belly Fried Snackology. Of which I am a Professor.

― Tim, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

They eat bamboo shoots = they are pandas

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I never understood that whole mole farango when I was at school.

― jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

B-but JR Hartley was a real author. Or am I missing the joke.

My dictionary says pandas are 'bearlike'. Thus, by the law of Collins Concise Dictionary being the authoritative answer to everything, pandas are only bears in the sense that Emma is ladylike.

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

My book Called "Pandas and Bears" (bought recently after shameful incident with the pub quiz machine) says Pandas are bears.

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

THEN WHY ISN'T IT JUST CALLED 'BEARS'?

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Because there is a lot of confusion about the whole area and a numpty who wanted pictures of pandas AND polar bears AND grizzly bears would probably have been put off by the title "Bears".

― Jonnie, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

But what is the most dense element - eh?

― Pete, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I will have you all know that I am both a lady AND ladylike in much the same way pandas are bears AND bearlike.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Hartley was only a real author *after* the ad came out, N.

Definitive bear info from bears.org: "They are generally large animals, and are characterized by a plantigrade walk (on their heels, like humans), a large body, short legs, a stub of a tail, small, round ears, and forward facing eyes."

I can think of a few people round here who might be bears! Ho ho!

― Tim, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

According to latest snackological thinking, the densest element is the stuff in the middle of cheesy moments. And Sainsbury's cheese and ham snack biscuits.

― Tim, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Hartley was only a real author *after* the ad came out, N.

Yeah - so? Damn your rockist approach to authorship.

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Surely it would depend on when the quizzer was around? I mean if it was after the advert but before the real author they would've been wrong but if it was after both the advert and the real author the quizzer people are fine.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I have to concede that JR Hartley was more of a real authour than JR Ewing (also a fictional character, but no books published as far as I know) or JR Madeup, with whose work I'm unfamiliar.

― Tim, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Yes, this is surely the key point.

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Actually - can someone check this? - the book that came out I think was titled "Fly Fishing By JR Hartley" and no author was credited.

― Tom, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

I wouldn't want to impugn your book retail expertise, Tom, but to the layperson, when a book has what looks like a title, followed by the word "by" then what looks like a name, it feels like an author has been credited.

I do understand that JRH is a fictional construct, though.

― Tim, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Yeah, it was ghost written and published in 1991 (EIGHT YEARS after ad came out). Norman Lumsden (who played Hartley in ad) went to book signings and stuff. He died last November.

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Well this puts an entirely new complexion on matters. I say burn the mendacious quizzers and their manufacturers too.

― Emma, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

As I understood it though the book was about the fictional book "Fly Fishing By JR Hartley" and was a postmodern metafictional jape which the layperson could not possibly have been expected to understand.

Book signings? Who the fuck bought it?

― Tom, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

It was a best seller! And obviously much loved by its owners if you are not aware of its popularity through your time a second hand book buyer. Mind you, I don't suppose you got many requests for it either. Except for those from people who enjoyed long past their sell by jokes (eg. ME - it is now funnier than ever to shout "BUY! BUY! SELL! SELL!" at mobile phone users).

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh we got quite a few copies in. It hadn't yet reached the ten-years- old point though when all the people who got given it for Christmas feel that it is no longer impolite to chuck the damn book out. So our big bestseller nemeses were things like Is This It? by Bob Geldof. We were still seeing a good few copies of Adrian Mole, How To Be A Complete Bastard and that book about Wallies, too.

― Tom, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Possible confusion w/ L. P. Hartley, the 'real' author of 'The Go- Between' etc.('The past is a foreign country' blah blah)?

― Andrew L, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Or Hartley Hare?

― Tim, Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Or (and this would be terrible) Hartley's jam.

― N., Wednesday, 27 February 2002 01:00 (twenty-three years ago)

seven months pass...

So is the dury still out on the bear/panda issue?

― Rubicon, Thursday, 17 October 2002 14:13 (twenty-three years ago)

Yes, but since Amazon will sell you Fly Fishing by J.R. Hartley, and indeed a volume on Golfing by him, I declare him a real author (or at least as real as Voltaire etc.)

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 17 October 2002 14:33 (twenty-three years ago)

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