Leaked opening to Uwe Boll's upcoming film "Postal"

The trailer makes this look better than Alone In The Dark and Epic Movie COMBINED!

something told me you'd be the first to be inticed by mere mention of the bollmeister

well, it's coincidental I checked ILX this moment, but I was happy to take the bait.

Epic Movie-ism is pretty much OTM, though. head to imdb and check out the cast. we've got verne troyer and dave foley in the roster already. regrettably, seymour cassell has inexplicably decided to involve himself as well.

oh, wait. (b)WAIT(/b). with larry thomas aka the soup nazi checking in as osama bin laden.

wow.

I haven't heard of this Uwe Boll....Uh, this is unbelievable.

Directed by

Uwe Boll	 	

 

Writing credits

(in alphabetical order) 

Uwe Boll	 	
Cast (in credits order) 	

	Dave Foley	... 	Uncle Dave

	Seymour Cassel	... 	Paul

	David Huddleston	... 	Peter

	Verne Troyer	... 	Himself

	Uwe Boll		

	Larry Thomas	... 	Osama Bin Ladin

	J.K. Simmons	... 	Candidate Wells

	Brent Mendenhall	... 	George W. Bush

	Derek Anderson	... 	Retarded Taliban

	Daniel Boileau	... 	Cooter

	Richard Kyanka	... 	K.O.tax

I hope Lowtax gets residuals from this. Also, how'd DAVE FOLEY show up in this?

xp

This scroll, shown AND read by a narrator, opens Boll's Alone In The Dark and its an even funnier opening for a movie than this.

In 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed that there are two worlds on this planet, a world of light and a world of darkness. 10,000 years ago the Abkani opened a gate between these worlds. Before they could close it, something evil slipped through. The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth. Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's most remote places. These artifacts speak of terrifying creatures that thrive in the darkness, waiting for the day when the gate can be opened again. Bureau 713, the government's paranormal research agency, was established to uncover the dark secrets of this lost civilization. Under the direction of archaeologist Lionel Hudgens, Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government shut down his controversial research, Hudgens built a laboratory hidden within an abandonded gold mine. There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children in an attempt to merge man with creature. Hudgens victims survived as "sleepers" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling.

Read it aloud yourself! It's fun!

Judging from the trailer, I'm guessing Postal is less boring overall, though. It's got zeitgeist.

No C4lum no credibility.

POSTAL follows two days in the life of the Postal Dude, in the regrettably named town of Paradise. Just when he thinks he has hit rock bottom, things get worse. Sharing a trailer with his ever-expanding wife, Bitch, Dude is in a bad way.

ha, Boll's scathing indictment of American culture. can't wait.

Is there any way that this movie won't get the living fuck boycotted out of it?

Uwe Boll's Dogville

http://img530.imageshack.us/img530/8004/image005ex7.jpg

didn't he also do the doa movie?

no, don't believe so.

DOA movie was some other putz. There's a fun review of it here:

http://www.teleport-city.com/movies/dvdjournal/2007/05/doa-dead-or-alive.html

weirdly enough DOA actually played at a local multiplex here for about a week.

ok now I really want to look up the box office take...

Opening Weekend
$260,713 (USA) (17 June 2007) (505 Screens)

Budget
$21,000,000

That Postal trailer is funny like Blue Collar TV is funny.

there's yr sign

http://blog.wired.com/games/2007/08/you-dumb-fck-uw.html

'You Dumb F*ck': Uwe Boll Responds To Our Postal Review [Update 3]
By Chris Kohler EmailAugust 14, 2007 | 12:52:53 PMCategories: Culture

UweheadUpdate 1: Boll's publicist writes to respond to Wired News' interview request. After the jump.

Update 2: Boll responds. (Update 3: and responds again.)

Uwe Boll isn't happy with Wired's review of Postal. We attended the US premiere of the game-to-movie director's latest film and didn't find it especially funny. Boll, in turn, doesn't find us especially funny. Here's the email we receieved yesterday evening:

chris
your review shows me only that you dont understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and fuck her ...because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it.
people like you are the reason that independent movies have no chance anymore.
uwe boll
PS: POSTAL is R RATED . The MPAA understood the satire -- you not -- you dumb fuck

I take some of what I said back: Uwe Boll can in fact be hilarious! As to Boll's heartfelt concerns, I couldn't let stand the accusation that I am against independent film. Our response is below.

Uwe,

I'm sorry we didn't get to meet at the Postal premiere. I appreciate being invited. I'm sure we'd have had an interesting conversation -- certainly your email has caused no end of enjoyment in the Wired offices this morning.

Although I did enjoy the first segment of Postal, it is true that I think the comedy timing faltered after that and never quite recovered. I can certainly be more specific if you'd like me to. (We did fix the piece with regards to the rating, and regret the error.)

That said, I don't want to leave you or anyone with the impression that I am somehow against independent film in general. I certainly want to see independent, envelope-pushing films distributed. We have the same problems in the video game industry, so I understand where you're coming from.

If you'd like to do an interview by phone and tell your side of the story, you're absolutely welcome.

Best regards,
Chris Kohler

Any and all requests for boxing matches, meanwhile, will be politely declined.

UPDATE: After sending our response, Wired News received the following email this morning from William Wanstrom, Uwe Boll's publicist:

Hi Uwe,

I would pass on this invite. They will do what the New York Post did. Twist your words.

We can afford to by-pass these guys. We only want press that is fair in their reporting. They will take your earlier reply and work it against you.

Uwe let me reply with a nice thank you but I will inform that your schedule won’t allow any more interviews for the time being.

This is a trap and it won’t help you with some of the theatre owners if this continues on as a pissing war

These are my thoughts

Bill

Wired News reiterates that we would still like to conduct the interview if Boll chooses to participate.

UPDATE 2: Boll responds to his publicist's email.

Chris wrote that article in bad faith to damage me. His whole goal is to destroy my business. If he cannot see that scenes (for example WELFARE OFFICE, Job Interview) are genius in that movie - then there are 2 possibilities: he is dump and has no idea what movies are or he hates me and is dissappointed about his own shitty career.

He ignored also that the audience enjoyed the movie and tons of other critics LOVED it.

Wired News is emphatic that we have no designs on destroying Boll's business and upon further reflection, would add that the Welfare Office scene was a high point.

UPDATE 3: I emailed Boll and his publicist with my replies above, and Boll responds:

chris ...read your own article again .... this has nothing to do with the film ...only with a piss off journalist

My response:

Uwe,

I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm actually quite a happy person. I want to point out again that I found the movie's first scene to be quite funny and very nicely paced, but felt that nothing thereafter lived up to it.

Of course, my article was meant to be entertaining and funny -- if, in your estimation, I fell short of that goal, I'll just remember that everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Best,
Chris

Boll's response:

your article is an insult and honours zero the movie, the filmmaker etc.....

My response:

Uwe,

I absolutely agree that the review is unfavorable to Postal. However, if I start to consider how the people who make the things I write about will feel about it, I have lost objectivity. My job is to deliver my own analysis of the film and to be as objective as possible. If you don't feel I did my job properly, we do have to agree to disagree here.

Again, I am absolutely open to the idea of a phone interview in which you can lay out your thoughts in more detail.

Best,
Chris Kohler

Uwe Boll has agreed to conduct a phone interview with us tomorrow. Look for more later in the week.

@_@

http://www.petitiononline.com/RRH53888/petition.html

http://blog.wired.com/games/2007/08/uwe-boll-interv.html

That opening clip is like a bad college comedy sketch.

Initial trailers market the film as a shock comedy, and have caused controversy as they show a jet flying into the South Tower of the World Trade Center, remniscent of the September 11, 2001 attacks.[2]. It was later revealed that this scene is in fact the opening scene of the movie, where two of the hijacker terrorists (one of them played by Merik Tadros, who also appeared as one of the kidnappers in Munich) get to know that their signup deal for the "99 perfect virgins" might not work out due to the lack of resources after too many recent martyrs, decide to hijack the plane to the Bahamas instead, only to be overpowered by the airplane passengers, who, in the struggle for the controls, end up driving the plane into one of the towers.

things that happen in this movie:

1) dave foley's dick
2) uwe boll getting shot in the dick
3) verne troyer punching a child in the dick