People you know who have a lot of baggage: A Commiseration Thread

Do you also use "quotation marks" when you address him or speak about him? Would be totally coolio if you did!

=) u sleepy person u

I have a couple of friends like this, but rather than go to therapy they became functioning alcoholics.

GO TEAM ALCOHOL!

http://www.sover.net/~nevt/AirportLuggageTagging.jpg

Seriously though, it's sort of lame to dump all your "mistakes" (heheh) or "problems" on your family. Yes, maybe his family contributed to his problems, but I'm assuming he's an adult now? Right? So time to tackle your problems and move on. Tell him that. Also, tell him his problems are just boring. ;-)

ha i wish! i so wish

my friends are either:

a) very optimistic and happy despite whatever crap they've been through

b) cynical but not really addled

b) not "into" talking about their baggage even if it means keeping it all in will lead to a nervous breakdown

ya that's more my thing too

It would probably be kinder to just avoid him, gradually cut him out of your life, than piss him off by making him feel that all his friends hate him for the very reason that he's unhappy. Then he can at least remember you as a friend that kind of drifted away from as that person who kicked him when he was down. This doesn't sound like a case when an "intervention" would work.

Also, it's not clear - is he actually going to therapy or just talking about it?

I try not to overload my friends with my crap, seriously, but I have earned to nickname "debbie downer".

oh he's going - is he ever. yes, that's what i came up with too - the gradual thing. i really don't think talking to him would work, cuz it seems like the whole POINT of his behavior is that he REFUSES to apologize for his self-absorption.

One someone is depressed or really suffereing from issues like that, it is nearly impossible for them to see that they are self-absorbed. It took me a long time, and a loving partner who refused to just walk away from me, to understand how much my problems and mental health affected him as well. This has ultimately helped b/c now I think of everyone around and it enables to put my issues in a larger perspective - thereby making them more easy to deal with.

My point is he many just be selfish, but unaware b/c of his own suffereing. People like that need compassion and gentle help to get better. If you can't be that person for him then I agree that it's better to drift away from him.

my typing sucks "he may not just be selfish"

and many other errors. . .

no i got it, quite lucid thx ;)

I can deal with depression; it is the friend whose life is in a total mess and whose version of events doesn't necessarily reflect reality that I have a hard time with. It's exhausting to try to be a friend in this situation. The refusal to apologize thing is there as well, but it's a refusal to apologize for anything, ever - or to acknowledge that she's had anything to do with causing her problems. I have no idea what to say or do most of the time.

Make him a t-shirt that reads "Cry about it, Sally."

ugh YES sara, SO FRUSTRATING.

haha oh god Kerm, i guess that would do the trick huh? ; )

thanks ms. misery for a sensible answer on this thread.

it's a refusal to apologize for anything, ever - or to acknowledge that she's had anything to do with causing her problems.

Did you or anyone tell this person that, though? As in, directly? I'm saying, sometimes I've really screwed up friendships this way & I wish ppl would just tell me, it might not be the most agreeable thing to hear but it'd do me a favor, because otherwise how am I to know.

No, it is not something that this person is going to hear; she's heard it from others, believe me. She has literally told me before that it is her Irish heritage that causes her not-so-occasional vicious comments. I'm really trying to be supportive of her as best I can... but yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm a crappy friend to her because I can't be confrontational with her - but at the same time, I'm not interested in escalating things into a big fight because she really needs some support right now and I know she feels like everyone is against her somehow. It's one of those situations with layers of complications that make everything hard to sort through.

So yeah, I am lame!

She has literally told me before that it is her Irish heritage that causes her not-so-occasional vicious comments

bullshit

ha ha - yes, obviously. But good luck fighing irrational ideas with rationality...

xactly - i feel like if try and talk to him about anything, he's going to get really emotional and irrational. and there goes the friendship. which wouldn't be a TERRIBLE thing, but i don't want to create a big dramatic mess. i just find it shocking, the different levels of self-awareness out there.

i remember this one weekend he was talking to a couple of us about his therapy for like 45 minutes at a fucking bar. that was hard.

be drunker > tell him to fuck right off

Say something like "you pay a therapist $80 an hour to listen to you SO WE DON'T HAVE TO".

exactly! i know, i'm much too polite sometimes

I would definitely be the second B according to Get Bent's Bristol chart. Most of my friends are the first B which meant that it was easy to bottle It was only when I was nearly at the inevitable conclusion of B2 (the feelings ended less than a year ago, there was a lot happening in life and it was all just getting to me. I also have a serious aversion to therapists. Ireland is too small to ever feel that you can have an private chat with someone and that they won't turn out to be the cousin of your worst enemy or something. Also they are smug shits in my experience) that a lot of them surprised me by turning out to be A for long enough to give me the much needed boot up the rear!

I find it very difficult to not help people but yes, you have to be careful not to give them an out where they feel that they don't have to do something or that they, not the situation, might need to change. I think it was Ms. M or ENBB on another thread who discussed helping relatives with depression and they (and others) were pretty otm that you need people to help themselves, you can't live their lives for them.

Also Irish cattiness? I wouldn't know what you mean...

Sometimes (and I'm speaking from my own personal experience here) very depressed people become so self absorbed out of the (mistaken) belief that no one else actually cares about them. It's kind of a compensation thing.

There have got to be ways to be pro-active, and let your friend know that you care about them, without them getting into an hourlong debrief of their therapy session.

Take the lead, do ask how they are, and how their therapy is going, to let them know that you care about *them*, but derail the conversation before it descends into the monologue. Change the subject. If you can't do it tactfully, say, "look, this is stuff you should discuss with your therapist, I'm not trained, and I don't want to make things worse by saying the wrong thing to you" and try to distract them onto another subject. Suggest they keep a diary or a blog. That way, they have a record of how they are progressing in therapy.

People who just ... drift away ... are the worst. You just wonder what on earth you did wrong. I can dwell on it for years. If that person had just said "stop being so self absorbed!" or I could have said "well, for five minutes a day, show you care about me!" it would have been a lot better.

People who just ... drift away ... are the worst. You just wonder what on earth you did wrong. I can dwell on it for years.

oh god im in the middle of this now, effectively blown off by a friend after almost 30yrs. he's always been self-absorbed to the point of pathology and yet Im obsessing on this split and getting mad @ myself for obsessing like I don't already have enuff emotional suitcases.

With some people it's impossible not to, though. Either they utterly resist discussion, or a confrontation would be impossible. It's not fun for either side.

I can deal with depression; it is the friend whose life is in a total mess and whose version of events doesn't necessarily reflect reality that I have a hard time with.

I can understand your friend taking this a bit overboard, but noone sees reality "as it is." You always have a skewed vision of how things are. Sadly, in my case, I see things as a lot more negative (or potentially negative). So you do have to take that into account and tell them. Also, in a way, you have to bluntly tell them the conditions of your friendship: "I can help you with your depression, but if this is a take and not give kinda relationship, fuck that. You can piss right off. I can't be dragged down, I refuse to wallow in your misery." This way they'll know if you don't pick up the phone anymore. Easier said than done (for me anyway). I tend to let myself be carried away. If it happens, then I take a "few weeks off." This way I can evaluate it better (for myself *and* for my friend(s)).

my boyfriend's sister used to break up with friends when she felt the relationship wasn't going anywhere. i need a little more of that in me. so now i'm really beginning to wonder if i should say something to him, given all the "if i had known" comments...

in person? or email? god i hate in person talks like that.

Hmm, I think upfront is better, that way maybe there's still a chance to save the friendship? But if you're adament about it, just don't contact'em anymore. Or let it *trickle*.

It depends if you think there's anything worth saving in the relationship.

I mean, what do you want? To just not be friends with this person any more? Or for this person to be a... I don't know, better friend?

i agree with masonic boom: friendships are a two-way street, and if he's just going through a bad time then you should maybe stick it out. but if he's just a crap friend in general, all the time, then maybe it's time to move on.

so the thing is about this friend is our shared interests. tennis, music, movies, ppl - we appreciate all the same things, which is why it's incredibly functional in othe respects. he plays tennis really well, and i'm always grateful to have a partner, he plays music and he helps me out with mine, bla bla bla. it's just, every time we're DOING something like that together, there's too much FEELING. that's why tennis is good, ya just hit the fucking ball.

srsly tho, i always admired said sister so much - she'd be like, "listen, i really don't know that this friendship is working out for me right now, i need to take a break." no bullshit. i love that.

i've been in a similar situation for the past few months. my good friend has been going through a pretty stressful time and has been pretty self-absorbed, but he's also totally aware of it. a few weeks ago i found out that i had passed a class which i was 100% convinced i'd failed. it was a pretty big deal to me because not failing has just taken a whole semester off my degree.

but when i emailed my friend with this news, he responded briefly and without mentioning it at all. i thought about letting it slide, but in the end i emailed him back and told him i was really bummed that he hadn't acknowledged it. and in turn he apologised profusely and admitted that he had just been too wrapped up in his own stuff.

understanding and compassion is required, but so is honesty and limits on what's expected of you.

People with boatloads of woes have to have equal parts of wit or fun or something to balance it out. Otherwise you end up avoiding them, unless you're a caregiver type.

Being the caregiver type can completely suck...

I can understand your friend taking this a bit overboard, but noone sees reality "as it is." You always have a skewed vision of how things are. Sadly, in my case, I see things as a lot more negative (or potentially negative). So you do have to take that into account and tell them.

Nathalie so OTM here.

yes being the caregiver can completely sick. cuz we all have to take care of ourselves as well, so when you're constantly being asked to take care of someone else it's just downright draining.

Ruby i'm glad u said something to ur friend that's rude!!

ha funny update. in an effort to not be the rudest person on the planet, but at the same time to establish some distance with said person, i emailed him saying i've had a rough time of it lately since i've started seeing a therapist. brought a lot of issues to the surface.

i'm not really seeing a therapist. but i thought it would work in a pinch. :-)

Dude, you have just signed yourself up for even MORE therapy stories, coz he is gonna wanna compare notes and stuff.

hahaha i'm gonna use it as my get out of talking to free CARD :-)

How? I'm sorry, but I don't understand your logic.

well i haven't called him back for a while so i've felt a bit guilty. and a while ago, we had this falling out that ended with him being like "i can't think about your feelings at all right now, i can only think about MY STUFF." all of this was related to his treatment of course.

so i figure i can give him a dose of his own medicine. i can't be bothered with him cuz i've got ALL MY OWN STUFF TO DEAL WITH etc.

I don't think that's a bad plan Surmounter. It's buyng yourself some space in language he can understand. If he does want to discuss it say you appreciate the offer but this something you need to keep between you and your therapist for right now. Maybe he'll take a hint.

I'm thinking my bum joints might be because of all the baggage I've been carrying around for the past 33 years. ugh.

Exactly - I'm glad you see the direction of the plan :-) Putting it in terms he can understand.

Well, stress DOES have plenty of physical side effects.

You could always play the latest Roisin Murphy single=

When I think that I'm over you
I'm overpowered

You're dating my daughter
The chromosomes match
Exact doesn't matter
A matter of fact

These amoring feelings
A cognitive state
Need the love object
To reciprocate

When I think that I'm over you
I'm overpowered
It's long overdue
I'm overpowered

When I think that I'm over you
I'm overpowered
It's long overdue
I'm overpowered

A chemical reason
If reason's your game
A chemical needing
Is there in the brain

With preprogrammed meanings
Like a little more pep
Alien feelings
We have to accept

When I think that I'm over you
I'm overpowered
It's long overdue
I'm overpowered

When I think that I'm over you
I'm overpowered
It's long overdue
I'm overpowered

As science struggles on to try to explain
Oxytoxins flowing ever into my brain

As science struggles on to try to explain
Oxytoxins flowing ever into my brain

While you're at it, can you explain what she's on about? It seems deep and, like, psychological, but I still don't have a clue as to what exactly she's on about. :-(

It's about my favourite neurotransmitter - Oxytocin. The pair-bonding hormone, it comes into play in childbirth (why mums "fall in love" with their newborns) and it's also released by romantic or sexual attraction.

Addictive as fuck. Basically, if you're looking for the science of "love" that's the one.

xpost

yes some parts are nice but I don't get the 'you're dating my daughter" bit.

That's what I don't get either. :-( Sometimes I thinkshe's on about drugs. But that couldbe me wanting some Prozac. hah

So consciously she's over her partner, but then the chemicals *override* it? Argh!

Perhaps she's just in love with her daughter's lover. Which is kind of gross.

She becomes a child when she thinks about her lover. Because Oxytocin reduces her to that infantile state, that's what I got out of it.

xpost Yeah, I got a Lolita vibe, but Kate's explanation makes more sense. Thanks! I R DUMB.

Or Mrs. Robinson rather. Which isn't too bad actually.

You're dating my daughter

ha ha i can't believe people keep putting this up on sites as the lyric - must be deliberate 'copyright-fix'.

it's 'your data my dah-ta' people

I've never even heard of this person.I'm just taking Nath's word for it.